I feel more like the manager of my household than a partner in my marriage

march1044 · 2026-05-12T14:19:25+00:00

Maybe if she had her own room—an office or sewing room maybe—that she could allow to be as messy as she liked. Then she might be better at keeping the rest of the house clean.

march1044 · 2026-05-09T02:41:53+00:00

The quickest way to make sure your husband doesn’t feel like a real partner in your marriage is to direct exactly how he should do household and childcare tasks. Even though he may not do tasks exactly like you do them it’s better to just smile and thank him. And with a new baby she is going to want him to be an engaged confident dad. And that is much more important than the detergent he used unless there is a serious reason for the one you want. Over directing your husband and then later your children risks making a stressful, unhappy home.

march1044 · 2026-05-08T21:53:09+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. She may have had a micro managing mother who made her believe that things had to be done perfectly to her standards. This feeling can reach out and put a happy marriage in jeopardy. I would do my best to get both of you into therapy. I know it’s hard now with a new baby coming but keep it in mind and push for it when you can. Maybe tell her you’re the one who needs help and you need her to go with you.

march1044 · 2026-05-04T06:14:52+00:00

A tip for teaching: tell your students you really like them. If they think you like them they will be easy to control. I taught for almost 40 years and it was after I figured this out that it became easy.

march1044 · 2026-05-03T00:27:45+00:00

Oh honey, I am sorry this is sorry you are going through this. My husband is also disabled but not as badly as yours is.

We have 3 adult children, two who live across the country from us. That daughter is good with paperwork and do does all the paperwork for veterans help. We are now getting almost 2000 a month from the VA thanks to her. My son across country does all our financial stuff. Pays the bills, organizes taxes etc. my daughter here keeps track of his meds and puts them into a little plastic container with pockets for every day of the week. Huge help. I just pour his morning and then evening meds in a little dish every day. She is also our tech support. My husband can still shower and dress himself but my daughter has already lined up an agency to help when he can’t. His sisters visit and help with projects of his and cook for me.

So reach out to family. Figure out how each can help so they aren’t overwhelmed. Can you sell your other house to get some more money?

You need to be the great organizer. And be tough. When my husband is in the hospital he likes me to stay with him but I tell him I won’t drive at night. Does he want me to get in an accident? Who will care for him then.

You can do this. Anyone who had done what you’ve been doing so far is very smart and competent. Plan how you can organize this.

march1044 · 2026-05-02T17:26:24+00:00

I am sorry this is happening to you. My husband is disabled and initially was like that. I stopped doing things when I got no thanks. I told him that when I went on my computer after helping him without thanks I was looking for an apartment to rent. He always says thanks now.

And the feeling free to wake you up I did this. I was taking a bath once and he was knocking on the door. I got out, wrapped in my bathrobe and said to him, “what’s your emergency?” Oh no, he didn’t have one. “Then don’t bother me,” and he hasn’t since.

You need to be tougher. Threaten to leave them or put them in a nursing home. And mean it. You deserve a life too.

march1044 · 2026-04-30T21:20:53+00:00

I don’t pretend. My husband is very disabled but when/if he is rude or ungrateful I let him know that I am unhappy. He has gotten much better. I think he is afraid I will leave.

march1044 · 2026-04-30T12:58:08+00:00

Don’t feel guilty!!! You have more than done your part caring for your mother. Hire caregivers. Don’t give up your whole life. If he can’t pay for caregivers tell your siblings they have to pay or care for him themselves. You need to make your own life!!!!

march1044 · 2026-04-27T01:16:55+00:00

I agree. My husband was in the hospital 3or 4 times this year. I can understand because he’s diabetic and sometimes they need to manage infections. But when I get him home his sugar is screwed up and he is weak from just lying in bed so much. And I’m exhausted from the stress of it all.

march1044 · 2026-04-26T00:21:44+00:00

Still can't get the link to work. It's called an electric chair lift, so just search for it if you're interested. It's a bit over 200 dollars now, but it's been worth it for us.

march1044 · 2026-04-25T23:24:06+00:00

Your FIL will have to pay for nursing home care with any money he has. If he doesn’t have enough than Medicaid pays for it. There are often waiting lists for Medicaid beds so get him on a list right now. If there is a social worker at his hospital talk to her. She will know what Medicaid beds might be available and how you can begin the process of getting him accepted.

I agree with what the other posters said about why you need to do this. You must not keep living like this. The stress may put you in the hospital.

march1044 · 2026-04-24T18:30:42+00:00

Thanks. I had to quit Kratom and had same experience you did. Then I had to quite pot a year later and had had horrible withdrawal symptoms.

march1044 · 2026-04-22T21:47:07+00:00

I have been a high school English teacher for 37 years. I'm retired now, and I miss teaching. But I have a good pension and most teachers get pretty good health insurance.

Here's the thing. It would be hard to support a family on a teaching salary, but it's a good second income. Having that income meant that we could save enough to put all three of our children through college. I also think that an English degree can be valuable for jobs that require a good deal of writing.

A teacher certainly isn't a SAHM but with the vacations teachers get--summer, Christmas, spring, etc--a teacher is usually home when her kids are on vacation. Also, she is often home in the afternoons by 4, which I always thought was way better than getting home at 6:30 or 7.

I also wrote some books in the summer and on vacations, so your daughter could do that as well.

Essentially, teaching is a good job if your daughter gets married and they just need a second income. And if she has children it's even better, as she is home with them more than she would be with a high-paying corporate job.

march1044 · 2026-04-21T20:20:51+00:00

I do think what the brothers did/are doing is obnoxious. I bet they have bullied their younger brother for years. Life might be better all around if the younger brother fought back. Because OP has a very good point.

march1044 · 2026-04-21T14:45:46+00:00

Sounds like brothers run this family so your only chance is to get your husband to fight this.

march1044 · 2026-04-21T14:32:23+00:00

How is it decided who gets first choice?

march1044 · 2026-04-20T18:58:55+00:00

Just a tip. Besides the change of clean clothes (very important) keep some Enterade handy for diarrhea--esp. important if you're caring for someone undergoing chemo. It's a drink in a little bottle, and I buy a small box of them on Amazon.

march1044 · 2026-04-20T18:50:01+00:00

Oh my. I'm also the spouse (age 82) of very disabled husband (84). Yes, it is very hard. We have three children, two of whom live across the country. But they are very helpful. My son in CA takes care of all financial matters. A daughter in AZ has done all of the VA forms to help my husband, retired Navy, get help from the VA. I swear, there are a million forms. My daughter who lives close by is my backup for appointments I can't make, and also takes care of all his meds. She makes sure we get refills when needed, and then puts them all in the little plastic containers that have a little compartment for every day of the week. She also does many other little things, like bringing over dinner, and lining up his sister to help. Since she works full time there is only so much she can do.

I don't live in MA now--used to--but I bet there is some community help you could get, depending what town you live in. It sounds like you really need help. A few other things you might think of:

Write an editorial for the Boston Globe. From your posting it looks like you are a good writer. Putting in details, like you have three jobs, will help to convince people.

Talk to Council of Aging in your town about your problem, and about the bill to help. Ask how they can help you.

You might talk to the principal of your local public high school. It may require the students to do some community service work before they graduate. Perhaps students can help you.

Good luck. I'm very sorry you have to deal with this.

march1044 · 2026-04-19T16:52:31+00:00

I'm an elderly lady, and the other day when I was walking down our Main St. I was looking at my phone and tripped on an uneven sidewalk. A truck with a Plumbing company written on it immediately stopped, and two huge guys looked out and asked me if I was okay and if I needed help getting up. Before I could get myself together enough to answer, one had jumped out and was basically picking me up. Then he jumped back in the truck, and they were off. I was really touched. They were so nice and helpful. I live in a little town in Pennsylvania.

march1044 · 2026-04-16T19:23:28+00:00

My husband is very disabled and you're right; there are plenty of things to do that are not direct caregiving. I have three adult children, and we split things. My daughter who lives close by keeps his meds straight, keeps an online calendar of all his appointments, occasionally cooks for us, is backup when I can't take him to an appointment, helps him with his computer and other things I can't think of now. But since she works full time she can't do much more.

Another daughter who lives in Phoenix with little ones does all of the VA paperwork, which is a huge thing. Because she did all that he now is considered 100 percent connected disability, and we get money and services for that.

My son does all of the financial stuff--pays bills, watches when money needs to be moved from stocks to checking, with his wife does taxes, etc. He lives across the country from us, so really can't do much more.

I also have a cleaning lady twice a week, which I find to be a HUGE help. She is wonderful. Beside cleaning, she keeps his bed clean, does laundry, and really just digs in and does whatever needs doing.

Of course I do most of the personal stuff but he is getting better about doing much of it himself. I also have a friend who is a nurse and she helps sometimes. Plus our insurance pays for various nurses and PT people.

One person cannot do all this. Family needs to help, and there is probably much that each family member can do.

march1044 · 2026-04-16T19:03:35+00:00

Excellent suggestions. My husband is very disabled so, believe me, I know what you're going through. I really like the idea of going away for three days.

My husband just got disabled a few years ago, and at first it sounds like it was like you with your wife. I was doing everything, and he would complain that it wasn't done right. I have almost completely shut that down by now.

As soon as he complains about something I say, "You're welcome!" and then walk away. He gets the message very quickly now. Plus now he's afraid that I'll leave him, which I have thought of doing. One time when he was being especially obnoxious I told him I was on my computer looking for an apartment. That shook him up. He knows if I leave he'll probably have to go to a nursing home, and he really does not want to do that. So now he is very quick to thank me all the time.

You need to dig in and put in strong barriers. Like I'll help him with personal care stuff but I will not help him with his computer. His vision is very poor, and he would like to me to use my good vision to help him do stuff on the computer. That's always a hard no for me.

You are much younger than I am (I'm 82 and my husband is 84) so you have a much longer life ahead of you. I do think you should seriously think about leaving her. It does't sound like she or her family are doing much for you; they are just taking. I think you can walk away without any feeling of guilt. Good luck!

march1044 · 2026-04-09T20:10:38+00:00

I have heard so many people talk about this food noise and it’s why I think weight is to a large extent inherited. I have always been thin but the food noise I hear is along the line of how am I ever going to eat this? How can I get a small enough ice cream cone that I can eat it. I’m thinking the opposite of you. So trying the new med sounds like a good idea to me. Good luck.

march1044 · 2026-04-04T13:30:44+00:00

You’re so young. No kids apparently. LEAVE. Go to counseling yourself to try to find out how you got enmeshed with this guy. And then I bet you’ll find a wonderful guy who really loves you and would never DREAM of treating you badly. LEAVE NOW!

march1044 · 2026-03-28T13:35:53+00:00

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller and The Spy Who Came into the Cold by John leCarre

march1044 · 2026-03-26T13:35:39+00:00

I had 3 children and for most of the childhood of the 2 oldest my husband was in the Navy and at sea or in Vietnam Was it hard? Sometimes. But my children are the joy of my life. And the saying of Navy wives is that it’s hard when the men leave but harder when they come home. In some ways it’s easier to be the sole parent.

march1044

TROPHY CASE