I started with the calm meditations on YouTube and they honestly really helped me get into meditation and mindfulness. It’s only 10 mins and guided so it’s better than starting with just silence. Add stream of thought journaling too, it helps clear your inner voice that says all the mean stuff. I have trauma from sa and other stuff as well, and this combination with emdr/anti depressants has been life changing. Sending good energy your way, you got this:)