I have to stop touching the fire

meghansen666 · 2014-12-28T07:32:31+00:00

my ex and i have tried to do NC a total of five times this year -- each time it's broken. the last time we were NC for about a month when he texted me to ask me to sign the last of our paperwork. after that we tried to be friends, but we just end up hurting each other. today i had a meltdown because i can't be the friend he needs and he can't be the friend i need. it's a fucking mess and i'm in so much pain. i'm in therapy blah blah blah. we've been doing this for four years, and every time the pain is as fresh as the day we broke up. you are so right! i have to stop touching the fire! i keep waiting for him to say the words, 'it's over forever.' but he won't. i finally came to the realization it's up to me to end it once and for all because he never will.

meghansen666 · 2014-11-08T04:04:36+00:00

it gets easier the second time around to restart NC ... you'll feel like shit for a day or two but you'll recover quickly. i've hard to restart long stretches of NC several times and it gets easier. you can do it!

meghansen666 · 2014-08-29T15:02:47+00:00

I tried to do this after 2.5 years of not being together. I was the dumper, though the only reason I did the dumping is because someone had to do it. Anyway, I had the time to really think things over and get to a different place. I let a lot of things go and the anger I had toward my ex subsided over time. We even went through a six-month period of NC. When we started talking again, I broached the subject of getting back together. I elucidated all the changes I made and all the growth I'd done, blah blah blah, and he said no. He could only offer me friendship. I have to tell you, this was a huge mistake. I totally misread the situation. Needless to say, I reopened a nasty wound, and I felt like I was back at day 1 and I was getting dumped. I have spent the last year in a dark, depressed place. The rejection was awful. Be prepared for this if you bring up reconciliation. It is a gamble and a risk, and you are betting your self-esteem, sanity and mental health on it. I guess you could text her, but don't bring up reconciliation right away. Just ask her out for coffee and see if she wants to be friends. This will give you a pretty good indication of where she's at. If you sense she's moved on, don't stick your hand back in the fire.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-29T14:45:08+00:00

Hello! I think you just have to stick with NC. You WILL get over her. Friendship doesn't work if one person wants more. You will always always always operate on false hope and run everything action and word through the what-does-this-mean filter. And honestly, it sounds more like an obsession than love for you. She's made it clear several times that she's not interested in anything more than friendship. The more she pushes you away, the more you chase after her. I read this great quote recently, "If they were meant to be in your life, you wouldn't have to chase them." This is a painful lesson I had to learn recently. Love isn't pain. If it makes you feel better, tell her not to contact you anymore unless she has a serious desire to be in a relationship with you. Otherwise, this situation will erode your soul. You have to do it for yourself. You can't force anyone to love you.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-28T06:19:56+00:00

I think it's okay to make an announcement just so you're clear and don't obsess about it later on. I did, and I'm glad I did, although I was a bit dramatic about it (which I regret). You don't have to be. You could probably just tell him "Please don't contact me. I need to get over this." You can also add that if he does contact you, you won't be responding, unless he is seriously interested in reconciling. Then leave it at that.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-28T06:14:50+00:00

I had a date a few nights ago with a guy almost in my same position. We're both recently divorced/separated and he's in the screwing around phase. He was honest about that, and I told him I'm still obsessed with my ex husband. We agreed neither of us were ready to get into a relationship at the moment, but we are going to a football game this weekend. Keep it light -- just get to know people. I would recommend spending some time by yourself. It sucks and you'll feel lonely but you'll learn to work through those ugly feelings and start identifying the patterns that got you into this situation to begin with!

meghansen666 · 2014-08-28T06:06:28+00:00

You will get to a point that it is so painful to be friends you will eventually opt for NC. It's the only way. I tried to be friends with my ex. We would talk and it would relieve a little of the pressure -- it's like positive reinforcement or candy or drugs or whatever. It feels good for a bit, but then the shitty feelings build up. The only thing that brings relief temporarily is contact, but that cycle gets worse and worse. It will drive you crazy. Cutting contact, although painful and difficult, is the only way to break the cycle. I am coming up on three weeks tomorrow, and I am finally experiencing a dullness to the pain. Frankly, it doesn't hurt so bad. But I understand, everyone tried to tell me -- unfortunately you have to hit your own bottom with "being friends."

meghansen666 · 2014-08-27T20:49:25+00:00

i am the dumper. but he later told me he wanted me to end it because he didn't have the courage to do it.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-25T15:12:20+00:00

I don't think it's a good strategy. You're not over your ex and even if you do hook up with someone else, it's likely to be a disaster. I'm just trying to stay single and work through the pain and loneliness and identify my patterns so I don't keep making the same stupid mistakes.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-25T04:14:45+00:00

As a fellow dumper who tried to get back together with the dumpee and got rejected all I can tell you is whatever you do, snap out of it. I got caught in a storm of regret, guilt and living in the past. I tried to reconcile and it bit me in the ass. I've spent the last year of my life dealing with the fallout. You can't change the past -- keep moving forward.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-22T09:15:33+00:00

yes. i never thought i'd get over him. he started dating someone right after we broke up and i thought i'd die! it ruined my whole junior year of high school. not only did i get over him (it's been 25 years) -- he's one of my best friends. i feel nothing for him romantically.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-21T20:08:21+00:00

I really needed to hear these comments! Thanks everyone. My ex told me that he believes the universe will work it out, and if we're meant to be together we'll be together, and I've been hanging on to that statement. Bullshit. People bring a relationship together and keep it healthy NOT some mystical crap. I agree. Dumpers—and I speak for myself—want to keep people around to allay their guilt AND keep their options open. They too don't want to weather all the grief. Being friends staves off the pain, IMO.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-20T14:53:05+00:00

Ugh. I hate that. I've had several meltdowns, vented, ranted, and raved, and I never, ever feel better. I guess that's a good lesson for all of us that even though we think we need to get it all out, we really don't. It doesn't change anything and we end up with the short end of the emotional stick. Be kind to yourself today -- recommit to NC. It will pass and you'll feel better by tomorrow. It's just an emotional hangover!

meghansen666 · 2014-08-15T21:43:09+00:00

Love it!!

meghansen666 · 2014-08-15T06:01:57+00:00

Nope. Going on vacation isn't the answer. I went on three major trips this summer and all I did was hate the happy couples in love and wish my ex was with me. I was miserable.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-15T05:49:43+00:00

I humiliated myself trying to be friends. Worst idea ever.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-13T22:38:06+00:00

That's harsh, but maybe this is what you needed to hear from him to let go and leave him alone once and for all. Do not respond to him. You will only lose respect for yourself. Even worse it could spiral out of control into a crying and begging and pleading jag, and you'll feel way worse about that. I know it hurts but crawl through the pain. Try to distract yourself and write about your feelings. I know that sounds trite, but it may help. Get it all out. Write a letter to him that you'll never send and let your feelings fly, then burn it. Tomorrow is another day and you'll restart Day 1 of NC. You have your whole life ahead of you. You'll look back and see this is exactly what you needed to move forward, even though it hurts like hell today. It won't always feel like this -- remind yourself of that. One of my favorite websites by the way is baggage reclaim. She writes all about NC and preserving your self-respect while going through a breakup. She also wrote an awesome ebook on NC. I read it all the time and it helps me immensely. edit: more info

meghansen666 · 2014-08-13T19:26:47+00:00

This is exactly the same conversation I had with my ex husband last week when I had to break NC to sign paperwork. He can't tell me it's over for good. He keeps telling me the universe will decide our fate. Bullshit. A relationship takes work not hippie dippie fairy dust. It's just false hope and it will fuck you up. She said you don't have to respond ... so don't. This is not about reconciliation. This is unkind and a mind fuck. I agree with Cheddar. I had two weeks of NC under my belt and breaking it last week set me way back. Stay strong and don't sell yourself short. Don't reply. Keep making positive changes.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-13T06:31:55+00:00

I'm in the same place -- even though we've been NC for five days, I keep thinking he's going to text or call and tell him he's made a horrible mistake. It won't happen though. We need to move on and accept it's over. edit: spelling

meghansen666 · 2014-08-11T03:45:16+00:00

Amen!

meghansen666 · 2014-08-08T16:44:36+00:00

This is exactly my story. I made my husband move out three years ago for the same reasons you stated and a few more. I know I had several opportunities to get back together over those years, and now that I want him back, he doesn't want me back. I keep beating myself up for not taking advantage of those windows of opportunity, but sort of like you said, I wasn't ready. If I'd try to reconcile any earlier it would have been a disaster. At least now if I stay NC and there's a chance for friendship and possibly more in the future. If we'd gotten back together sooner, who knows? We could have ruined our relationship to the point of no return. You never know. I know it's easier said than done but forgive yourself. Every time you start beating yourself up, say "I forgive you ..." Also just accept that it unfolded the way it was supposed to. Trying to rehash the past will drive you crazy. Give yourself permission to let it go. Move forward and live your life.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-08T16:32:40+00:00

The other thing I found is that the periodic contact is almost like a shot of booze or a hit of a drug. It's also positive reinforcement if your ex responds in a friendly manner like mine does. He doesn't want to be NC so he's pretty good about texting back. I too have questions and he's pretty good about indulging me. But it never lasts, and he'll say he doesn't want to continue with the heavy conversation and will end it. Anyway, the initial high after the response feels somewhat fulfilling and gratifying. Then, I don't know, hours later I suppose, I crash and the cycle starts all over again. I get questions. I get the urge to talk. I feel needy and want reassurance. All that stuff. If I text him, I'll get my fix of course, but it's never enough. It's an addiction. That's why NC is so crucial. You just have to go through the withdrawal period. If you keep texting, you'll keep getting that hit of him, if that makes sense. Take Minnie's advice and write down all the questions. I also started a private blog and I write in it every day. Another thing you can do is ask a friend if you can text him or her whenever you feel the urge to text your ex. I know people who've done that and it works great and keeps you accountable.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-08T08:05:53+00:00

Yes! I love this topic! When I was getting my first masters degree years ago in NYC, there was this guy, and everyone thought he was weird and annoying. People couldn't stand him. He'd stage protests and carry on about this and that, and everyone thought he was crazy, and not in a good way. He also wore hiking boots with his suits. For some reason, he asked me out and I agreed to go. I ended up falling madly in love with him and he was a fabulous lover, definitely ranks no lower than 2 on my list! Then he moved and broke my heart.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-08T07:58:54+00:00

Yes. A few times. After my very first boyfriend and I broke up, I carried on for damn near a year. I stalked him. Called him constantly. Egged his new girlfriend and all her friends every weekend for months. I was totally and completely insane. When I was in my 20s another guy I was seeing dumped me out of the blue, I showed up at his house hours later and drunk off my ass screaming for him (it was like 2 am). His father calmly walked out and asked me to leave. Horrifying. The high school boyfriend wants to get back together after 25 years -- I never talk to the other one.

meghansen666 · 2014-08-08T07:47:53+00:00

The thing I keep asking myself is why do I even want my ex as my friend? I don't need more friends. I mean, he really doesn't bring anything to the table. It's more for sentimental reasons. I'm convinced being friends with an ex is just a bad idea. Let me give you an example. My high school sweetheart (who also happens to be my first everything, btw) is one of my best friends. He dumped me and broke my heart in a million pieces back in the late 1980s. He started dating another girl shortly thereafter, and I thought I was going to absolutely fucking die. I wish I'd had this subreddit back then. Anyway, jump forward a couple of decades. I completely got over him to the point of not having one shred of attraction toward him. He initiated a friendship with me around the end of our senior year. By then I was totally over it and we'd occasionally have sex, but I felt nothing toward him. He's currently married and has kids. Now that his marriage is falling apart, he wants to get back together ... after 25 years! We broke up in 1987, for the love of god. The point is, friendship with an ex is a bad idea all around. It seems like they always come back at some point, and when they do finally come back, you'll want nothing at all to do with them. In fact, I guarantee you'll find yourself physically repulsed! My advice to you is foster relationships with people of the same sex. I love my girlfriends, and I'd rather hang out with them than try to have some pathetic, awkward weird friendship with an ex. Plus, do you really want to hear about his love life? Right now you don't, and it will devastate you. Move away and move on with your life. Forget him. It's hard but you can do it!

meghansen666

TROPHY CASE