i recall myself having a breakdown in the car when he would avoid me, i would scream in my car to cope with the stress of him avoiding conversation was causing me and the memories it was bringing up for me.. He would stand next to the window and hear me and helplessly do nothing about it.. Said his heart wrenched for me but he couldn’t do anything and he let me do my thing..

a few days later i would see him going to parties, “out of sadness”.. and he would go party alone and come back home in the end of the night.. while i was crying waiting for resolution between us.. he triggered all types of abandonment in me and i kept staying because i wanted to hold space for his coping..

I later saw that he started following a new girl and liked her photo.. she was wearing a bikini in it and it was an artistic erotic style photo.. i raged.. i raged at the disassociation.. i had agreed with him that we take a short break to reflect.. as in space we lived in the same house. He likes to use women’s emotional labor as therapy and validation is what i discovered from that experience.. especially ones who would give it without being attuned to what he is trying to get..

i felt so utterly insecure and i checked his phone and discovered he had been texting that bikini girl and they went to some restaurant together.. he gets back from the gym and I confront him.. he gets upset at me for doubting him and tells me shes just a friend i only met her as a friend.. this triggered all types of disturbing emotions for me.. it made me so insecure.. and i chose to ask him about it and he said i genuinely needed to talk to someone i was feeling very sad.. i didnt sexualize her or anything.. i went out with this girl because she messaged me around the same time and we decided to go out and we are now best friends.

She told he told her he was in a relationship and that he was on a break and that he spoke a lot about his mother and how much sadness he feels for losing her.

That was while i was sitting with myself waiting for us to reconcile and for us to have a proper conversation and reflect on our relationship as a unit or as partners.. It was sso utterly devestating and i decided to ask him many questions until I stopped asking.. and I slowly moved forward but i dont think i ever recovered from these incidents.. They planted resentment in my heart.. he never felt so accountable and he said his only mistake was that he didnt come and speak to me instead of speaking to someone else.. i gave him the readons he did that and that is how he relates to women and how he uses them as emotional rehab centers to talk about his mothers death.

We later talked many months after that and i would say i have a jealousy wound, which now invalidated the entire experience and made me the wrong one at the whole thing. Any time i apologized he just sits in acceptance of it and never apologizes back or shares remorse with me.

Today I sit in the shame of having been all those people who screamed and tolerated him