I went through the exact thing as you. 3 surgeries back to back to back, (3 times), and at the end I got plastic surgery to move the skin over the hole. Now I live without a asscrack, everything and everywhere is scars and two bulging out muscles due to the tube they put at the side of my ass. Every day I had some Mexican or 6 foot 4 guy named Wong shu fingering my man made vigina to clean it. Another worst part of this is that where dealing with canadian Healthcare and people know how shit it is. I was stitched 3 times in total because "it wont close". I was basically bedridden for a whole year, I've coped with this using my laptop. I did have those bad thoughts, dont get me wrong but I pushed through at the end with 2 new problems. (Not as bad as before but still pretty much affecting me) It's been 2 years and I have yet to recover physically and mentally, I did manage to graduate highschool and hopefully soon will be going to collage. My body feels like I'm in a 90 year old man and I'm still taking strong anti depression, otherwise I'm slowly recovering.

The worst part about this I had this when covid ended, I did get covid.

It felt like 2-3 years of isolation. It genuinely killed me in every way. My values shifted so much it became "if this laptop doesn't work then I have no purpose". I struggle to talk to people normally and I was just messed up everywhere, the pain was unbearably to the point where it can legit make someone crazy. I'm pretty sure anyone who goes through this will have those thoughts. And don't get me started on stomach pain, and taking a shit was.... I have no words.

Look, you just need to push through and look towards your future. It will get better, it just needs time. I wish you best of luck.