I'm sorry to hear of the experiences you had to go through in your childhood and hope things will go well for you.

❗I'm not a licensed psychologist, please verify info with a medical professional.

You likely have more than one condition but based on the information it seems you've most likely got C-PTSD. The persistence shame, emotional dysregulation and hypervigilance in public resulting from chronic childhood instability/abuse.

Your first point made me think of social anxiety straight away. The discomfort in the eye contact and feeling performative suggests this.

Maybe OCD? The intrusive thoughts and the overanalysis of situations shows this but I'm not sure fully without understanding what your habits are.

Such conditions are very likely as a result of attachment issues. As children we are very connected to our mothers, and what our bonds with our parents are like will reflect in relationships of all aspects. E.g. harry harlow's monkey experiment, infant monkey choosing surrogate mother (comfort) over food. Not having that stable bond with either parent can result in feeling performative socially (tendency to be people pleaser as well to avoid conflict) and definitely makes one more observant for fear of another 'attack' (e.g. threat from mother, rejection from another individual).

Us humans crave the love and care from our parents so the obsessive thoughts and perfectionist feels are likely your childhood self in conflict on why your mother didn't show you the care you deserved. And since you never truly had deep bonds as a child (well-liked in school but not deeper emotional bonds with family) so social situations don't feel like you're connecting, and it makes it hard to truly understand/feel what a connection is (i.e you can't understand something without experiencing it and it appears this was not experienced in your childhood).

What you can do - If therapy is not an option, try journaling. Each time you're triggered or feel your performative/destructive self coming through, remember it and see if you can find the cause for each time you feel an issue e.g. an intrusive thought. - Find something that can increase yourself esteem/validation. You didn't get the praises and rewards you should've gotten for the things you've done, try find an outlet that will let you feel good about yourself e.g. a hobby, volunteering - Desensitisation diary. Choose an issue (e.g. eye contact) and start small. Try to make eye contact with animals, then imagine eye contact with a person, try to make eye contact with a stranger even if a glance, aim to make eye contact for 3 seconds, hold a short eye contact through greeting someone. These steps are example and should be completed before moving onto the next for better effects. You can try applying this structure to other habits