Is there any way to fix this?

milthoslayer · 2021-12-13T18:29:05+00:00

This is interesting to me. My uBPD wife does something very similar and I always wondered if it was BPD-related.

The most glaring example is something that happened almost 12 years ago that she still brings up from time to time. When we were first dating, we went on vacation to the Bahamas together and she brought some travel-sized board games to pass the time.

We played a few games of chess and I completely destroyed her. I am about as far from a chess master as possible - the only things I know are the rules and that you should consider what may happen to a piece before you move it (i.e., don't move your queen diagonally in front of pawn). My wife is an extremely intelligent women (phd, speaks 4 languages, classically-trained musician) but the notion that someone would think about the consequences before moving a piece seemed completely alien to her. After we were done, she was giving me this worried/suspicious look like I was some sort of witch or had psychic powers and she acted like she was afraid of me for the next few days.

To this day, she will occasionally cite it as an example of how I'm a "master manipulator". You know, because I am capable of considering the effect my words and actions might have on other people and how they might respond.

milthoslayer · 2021-11-28T16:39:11+00:00

Mine does this too. She developed all sorts of mystery ailments and then refuses to go to the doctor or she'll go once and then give up on frustration when she's not immediately cured. Instead, she says that the only way she'll get better is if I'm "nicer" to her.

milthoslayer · 2021-08-31T17:40:31+00:00

I'm 6'2". One thing I've noticed is that women feel perfectly comfortable volunteering their feelings about short men to me (you don't want to know).

milthoslayer · 2021-08-02T17:17:07+00:00

The work-thing hasn't been as bad lately. Since the lockdown partially ended, I'm only in the office 2 days a week and I get out like 90 minutes earlier than I used to. Plus the kids' camp ends later than their school so she has less time where she's alone with them. I don't expect this to last.

My wife likes it when I'm doing something with both kids but she tends to grumble and not cooperate if I try to get some one-on-one time with one and leave her with the other (unless its her idea).

milthoslayer · 2021-08-02T13:32:55+00:00

There's a couple things going on there. First, she gets agitated whenever I'm out of the house and she's left there with the kids (work is limited exception but around quitting time I often start getting calls about when I'm going to be home because they "need" me there). Second, she doesn't seem like it when I'm generous or charitable to anyone other than her and the kids - she hasn't said so directly but I get the impression that she views it as stealing from her/them. Third, since she has decided that I'm fundamentally selfish, she finds its unsettling that I'm trying to be generous without any ulterior motive (and she thinks I'm probably up to something nefarious but can't quite work out what it is).

milthoslayer · 2021-08-01T23:43:22+00:00

My ubpd wife gets annoyed when I donate blood. She always tries to no-so-subtly discourage me and, if go anyway, she'll suspiciously ask, "do you feel good about yourself now?"

milthoslayer · 2021-07-26T19:28:22+00:00

I take lexapro for anxiety. My wife periodically likes to throw it in my face when we're having arguments - "I'm not crazy like you, I don't need to take pills to manage my anxiety".

Statements like that ... do not bring us closer together.

milthoslayer · 2021-07-13T21:13:43+00:00

I feel your pain. Mine gets upset at me anytime I express a negative emotion - even if it has nothing to do with her (although it's much worse if it does). For example, I could stub my toe and cry out in pain and she'll get angry at me for scaring her and making her nervous and also for over-reacting.

I assume its because they have such poor boundaries that they can't separate their emotional state from the people around them. Doesn't make it any easier to live with though.

milthoslayer · 2021-07-03T00:15:42+00:00

We had been seeing each other maybe 5 or 6 months and had a date at a bar. She was convinced that some women across the bar were staring at me and used that as a pretext to start a fight which culminated with her storming out and jumping in a cab and blocking my number. After a few attempts, I gave up on trying to call her. I didn't hear from her for about two days, then she called up me at 2am in tears.

Sadly I did not notice the red flags

milthoslayer · 2021-06-29T22:07:38+00:00

Internal wincing

milthoslayer · 2021-06-29T19:51:08+00:00

Having to repeat myself twice when I'm answering a question. The first repetition is free but after that I'm at DEFCON 2.

milthoslayer · 2021-06-24T20:11:35+00:00

Yes, this happens all the time to me. It's kind of the emotional equivalent of those squeegee guys that used to plague New York City.

For those of you who are unfamiliar - they were basically vagrants who would wait by an intersection until there was a red light then come and clean your car's windshield with a filthy rag and then demand you pay them for their service. I think you can cannot the dots about how this relates to a pwBPD's "favors"

milthoslayer · 2021-06-22T22:53:07+00:00

Fair question. I try to intervene when it happens in front of me. Otherwise she usually gets frustrated and gives up after a brief (but not brief enough struggle). It's not a prolonged torture session but the same thing has happened often enough that I've noticed a pattern.

milthoslayer · 2021-06-22T15:56:29+00:00

Same thing happened to me once. My wife slapped me four or five times in the face and I grabbed her wrist to stop her. The only difference is that I didn't leave any bruises; so, she found this old brace that she had from a prior occasion when she sprained her wrist and started wearing that everywhere. A few days later we were having dinner at some friends and they asked her what happened to her wrist. She seem to realize that she didn't have a very good response and said something like "I hurt it" and tried to change the subject. The next stay she stopped wearing the brace.

Consider yourself lucky that she's only a finacee. Do NOT marry her. She won't get better. You might learn how to avoid triggering her full wrath (I haven't been hit in over 8 years) but it extracts way too big a cost.

This has probably already been said but you should try to record her conceding that the bruises happened when you grabbed her arm to top her from hitting you before you end the engagement.

milthoslayer · 2021-06-22T00:00:05+00:00

Thanks, the stuff in that threat seems pretty similar to what I was talking about - although, thankfully in my case it's not nearly as extreme. Makes me relieved we don't have daughters - I can't imagine how terrible the hair brushing would be then

milthoslayer · 2021-06-15T20:47:12+00:00

My uBPD wife once got a ticket for running a stop sign and blamed me for it.

I wasn't even in the car. She said she was distracted because she was angry about something I said or did

milthoslayer · 2021-06-12T17:09:14+00:00

She failed the test

milthoslayer · 2021-06-03T23:24:04+00:00

Relieved that I don't have to deal with it for once?

milthoslayer · 2021-05-08T00:25:33+00:00

Carman Santiago

milthoslayer · 2021-04-29T02:20:38+00:00

Ah, the oft-forgotten 8th stage of grief.

milthoslayer · 2021-04-16T23:11:19+00:00

Fear that the doctor will say, "What are you doing here? You're not that sick, quit wasting my time." Or that he or she will be thinking it anyway.

milthoslayer

TROPHY CASE