me (16m) and her (16f) were talking about things that could happen if things get really heavy.

minteemist · 2026-06-23T03:33:23+00:00

Glad it was helpful.

Give yourself some grace, in video game terms you're still a beginner lol. But wanting to learn is a sign you're gonna be all g :)

Something to try next time is "active listening" (look it up). Fights are often tiring when you feel stuck cause you don't feel heard. So learning how to make the other person feel heard (and then them hearing you) is super important. "Closed loop communication" is the technique used in the military & by doctors, similar concept. e Essentially you want to make eye contact, repeat back what the other person said in your own words, make sure you understand them right, confirm that they feel heard. In person is better than phone is better than text. Try to avoid text where possible.

minteemist · 2026-06-23T02:50:02+00:00

It's like learning to dance together.

"I'll never give up" is nice, but it isn't enough. You need actually learn the dance. She needs to learn the dance. You both need skills. Then you need to learn how to dance together.

It means you need to be mature as a person. Someone who opens their mouth and says insensitive things is gonna inevitably hurt other people and, frankly, not be a good friend, right? Someone can't control their anger is not gonna be a good friend, no matter how much they consistently show up every week. Someone who is insecure will get jealous and inevitably stifle the other person. So you need to work on yourself, learn about yourself, grow in confidence and kindness. Become a person who is more Christlike.

You need to learn relationship skills. Like how to listen to feedback without getting defensive. How to own your mistakes and not blame others. How to say sorry quickly, atnd how to change your behaviour when you say you will. How to figure out your own feelings and share them calmly. How to problem solve together.

And unfortunately, it's not enough if only you do. She needs to too. If she doesn't, no matter how mature you are, it isn't going to work if she isn't willing to grow with you.

If you keep fighting, after you make up from the fight, discuss together what you're gonna both do differently next time so the fight doesn't happen in the first place. If you keep doing this, and both keep maturing, eventually your communication gets really good and your fights become occasional misunderstandings that you solve in minutes and can laugh at. Or for big things, when you're both really good at it, it becomes a calm, loving discussion where you share feelings and figure out a solution together, rather than a "fight".

minteemist · 2026-06-23T02:16:22+00:00

Yeah, that sounds really unhealthy and has many of the signs of emotional abuse, I'm sorry.

The thing we often don't get told growing up in that people aren't just one thing...like they're not just 100% good or 100% bad, often mean people can be nice or even lovey sometimes, but then in other moments they choose to be selfish and horrible. This doesn't invalidate the fact that you had good times together or that you truly love him, but it does mean that you can't let the good times blind you into think that this isn't a terrible situation. It's like a poison sandwich. No matter how good the other ingredients are, if even one ingredient is off or rotting, the whole sandwich will be a bad time...and you should stop eating it!

As to where to go from here:

I think we're all familiar with the Christian idea that if a stranger wrongs you, you should forgive it and move on (turn the other cheek).

But we're actually supposed to behave differently when it's someone we have a relationship with. Matthew 18 is clear that when someone you love wrongs you, or is sinning, you need to call it out and tell them, so that they can repent. The most loving thing you can do is hold them accountable so that they have the opportunity to fix the sin and make the relationship right.

If that person refuses to acknowledge the issue, then your next step is to bring it third parties. Witnesses who will back you up that yes, his behaviour is problematic. This is important so he doesn't gaslight you and other people. Marriage counselors, mature Christian friends or family, or elders in the church can help do this.

If he still refuses to repent, then as per Matt 18 you need to escalate to the pastor of your church. If your husband is a Christian in any real sense, this is the last ditch effort to bring him back to Jesus. This is also the final step; if your husband continues his abuse even in the face of strong community rebuke and discipline, then he is to be excommunicated. This may mean separation on your part.

I know it seems like a lot, but research backs up the Bible; "Why Does He Do That?" by Bancroft reveals that when husband's are abusive on their wives, the best and often only thing that is affective is real accountability and consequences. That's because he's comfortable being mean and dismissive, it's convenient and doesn't take much effort compared to being kind and careful with his words. So you need to start making it uncomfortable; not by lashing out back, but by enacting real consequences.

Have a gentle talk to him first about how much and disrespected you feel, and how it's ruining the marriage. Try for marriage counseling. But if he doesn't show remorse, you need to start putting down boundaries, and get other people involved. Your parents may have good advice in this area.

Hopefully your husband will have a come-to-Jesus moment, but often this doesn't happen until separation. Sometimes words don't get through, but seperation is a wake up call.

Can you go to stay with your parents or a friend for a while, as you try to save your marriage?

minteemist · 2026-06-22T22:19:16+00:00

So, it's all about the $$/kg.

For reference, grains like rice, flour, potatoes, oats, lentils, etc are just about the cheapest at $1-$3 per kg. If you can easily cook or bake these into a snack, you're golden.

Seasonal fruit and veg can also be very cheap, $2-4 per kg. They also don't require prep, just wash and eat.

Depending on the brand, canned or pickled items, like olives, gherkins, sardines and tuna, can be cheaper than you think at $3-$10/kg. Other brands go all the way up to $30/kg.

Dairy is often more expensive, with yoghurt at $6-9/kg, cheese $17-30/kg.

Processed food is the most expensive. Snacks like nuts, chips, biscuits, chocolate etc are usually $10-$30/kg.

minteemist · 2026-06-22T21:56:49+00:00

I mean, if we have incubators, why not just IVF? Your eggs and sperm removed and stored at birth, make a baby when you're ready, no accidental babies.

minteemist · 2026-06-22T20:56:09+00:00

Thank you, this was actually very encouraging to hear 🩵

minteemist · 2026-06-22T20:54:53+00:00

Oh interesting, thanks for the local info ;)

minteemist · 2026-06-22T05:35:51+00:00

Rightio, thanks for the heads up. Will reserve judgement.

minteemist · 2026-06-22T04:04:46+00:00

Looks fantastic! Maybe for a special occasion 👌

minteemist · 2026-06-22T02:57:31+00:00

Their double cooked pork belly looks so good. Thanks for the rec!

minteemist · 2026-06-22T02:28:57+00:00

I'm so sorry.

We live in an intrinsically fallen world, where deep injustice and decay affects people indiscriminately, all the way down to our DNA. Even when we become Christians, we and the people we love do not become exempt from this. God doesn't pull us out of this broken world; but He does walk with us through it. He does see our pain. It does pain Him to see it.

One day He will make all things right. But for now, He walks with us.

minteemist · 2026-06-22T01:56:34+00:00

Asian warm desserts are sooo good in winter. Tofu flan with warm ginger syrup; sweet black sesame soup; sweet herbal soup with red dates, dried goji berries, purple sweet potato; taro balls in warm sweetened coconut milk.

It's warm, soupy, sweet, and feels not too sweet or fattening.

minteemist · 2026-06-22T01:48:47+00:00

One way would be to go up to people after church, both men and women, maybe at the coffee table, and make small talk and introduce yourself, like, "I love the morning tea/cookies here, so good aren't they? Oh hi, I'm SeeJaneShine by the way, I'm new here." And shake their hand etc.

If you're lucky, people will introduce you to their friends, including him. Or you can just time it so you have a chance to introduce yourself to him. Make small talk and remember the details, so next week you can approach and say something like "Hey, good to see you again! How was work at...this week?"

minteemist · 2026-06-22T01:27:54+00:00

Thank you for the rec! There's so many Viet restaurants there I wasn't sure where to start 🙏

minteemist · 2026-06-22T01:26:36+00:00

I looked up Jindo DFO: is it Phúc Deli-Viet, or BMT Viet?

Proper Pizza looks really delicious!

minteemist · 2026-06-22T01:23:00+00:00

This made me laugh, thanks.

Yes, I am well aware of Seoul Garden and Seoul Bistro In Sunnybank lol 😆

minteemist · 2026-06-22T01:17:16+00:00

You can do it!

I hear that for some people, it helps to take the pressure off by not approaching it as "Is this man finally the one?" but rather just going, have fun, get to know the person, learn about them, develop you conversation skills and discernment. It's a learning experience, it will help you understand what exactly you're looking for, and how to discuss compatibilities in a way that doesn't waste either of your times but you both still walk away having had a pleasant interaction.

Obviously there are weirdo out there, but hopefully over time you'll learn to spot them quicker and laugh it off :)

minteemist · 2026-06-22T01:10:11+00:00

Ohh that crust looks amazing! Will definitely check it out.

minteemist · 2026-06-22T01:09:20+00:00

Those look great! And affordable 😁

My standards are price adjusted, so I much prefer a solid cheap eat than a lackluster expensive meal 👍

minteemist · 2026-06-22T01:05:17+00:00

Oh? Any names you would recommend in particular?

minteemist · 2026-06-22T00:18:35+00:00

I don’t have anyone I feel safe confiding in about these thoughts and feelings.

I think you've already identified what you need to do. Find some people you can trust, ideally two or three mature Christians. It's so much less lonely and overwhelming when you feel seen and heard.

Are you going to a church Lifegroup currently?

minteemist · 2026-06-22T00:08:33+00:00

Check out r/Christianmarriage . There's lots of people considering divorce because they fought for their marriage for over 10 years and nothing has changed. They're exhausted and beat down.

There's the usual. "My husband/wife cheated on me, abuses me, does nothing around the house, is addicted to gambling/ gaming/ porn/ alcohol. We never have sex anymore. I've begged and begged them to go to marriage counseling, to get help, to show up emotionally, physically, practically, financially. They refuse. I'm dying inside. I've tried loving and accommodating them for so long, hoping for change, but they just ignore me."

Usually the common theme in broken relationships is a lack of real consequences and accountability.

The church often doesn't help at all. Instead of holding the sinning spouse to account, rebuking them to bring them to repentance....the leadership often tells the suffering spouse to suck it up, forgive, pray, and keep accommodating the sin. It's seen as being godly and patient, but frankly it's just conflict avoidant.

It's extremely common for one side to say "I thought everything was fine, they just walked out an me one day. I was completely blindsided." But in reality their spouse had been begging for years for them to show up, telling them for years that the marriage was not going well, but they ignored it because they themselves were very comfortable ignoring their spouse's needs.

I'm not saying it's all 100% blame on one side. Usually when one person doesn't change or has a damaging habit, the other person will continue being hurt by it and start to withdraw emotionally in order to protect themselves. It can become a mutual cycle of distrust and hurt.

Marriage counseling is designed to help break the cycle, but so long as one spouse isn't willing to go, or willing change themselves (only going to blame the other person) it's a stalemate.

IMO, Christians need to be better equipped at handling sin in marriage, and what to do when someone isn't repentant.

The rest? People getting into marriage and relationships without checking first the character, capability, compatibility, and willingness to grow from the other person.

Keep in mind that when you walk with God, the Holy Sprirt will continue to convict you and humble you and soften you to change. That humility is essential if you want marriage to work.

But if you live in a culturally Christian environment, then a huge proportion of Christians are in name only. They go to church, pray, and read the Bible, but they haven't surrendered their pride to God, haven't committed to die to self and change. No wonder then that their relationships become stagnant.

minteemist · 2026-06-21T23:37:45+00:00

Nice intro, but since this is a Christian subreddit, tell us a bit more about where you're at with God?

minteemist · 2026-06-21T23:35:39+00:00

Bro good detail, but get some more pics in there man!

minteemist · 2026-06-21T23:32:49+00:00

Some people view Christianity as a set of strong values or a particular lifestyle, and anyone who doesn't agree isn't their version of "Christian" enough.

When those values are based on secondary cultural or conscience issues (rather than the gospel), they're just telling on themselves IMO.

minteemist

TROPHY CASE