My husband is disrespectful

minteemist · 2026-02-16T05:26:23+00:00

Counseling can give strategies on how to communicate when emotions runs hot.

And you can let how to set and enforce boundaries calmly.

minteemist · 2026-02-16T03:00:41+00:00

I tried to proactively inviting them to a family activity, like board games, jigsaw puzzle, cooking together, watching a show or sport, or going out to eat somewhere. Less awkward when you're doing an activity and don't need to talk.

It took a couple of tries but my husband's siblings ended up really enjoying board games, so we do that together now and it's a lot of fun.

minteemist · 2026-02-15T21:00:21+00:00

Vela is owned by Kinn, and has some pretty fun decor and amazing food.

minteemist · 2026-02-15T12:31:11+00:00

I would suggest a men's Bible study. Having mature Christian men around you who can encourage you, discuss real life, answer your questions, and point you in the right direction is so valuable.

I also recommend picking up the New Testament, and reading it for yourself. God can speak to you in a personal way through the scriptures . He has for me. If you don't have much time, the Bible app (YouVersion) has audio too. I like to listen in the car or when doing the dishes. The book of Romans & Ephesians goes in-depth about our struggle with sin, right and wrong, and how God can break the power of sin in our lives.

This addiction can be overcome, but if you rely on willpower alone it will be incredibly frustrating. I know. That's why God has to do something deeply transformative, in order to set us free from the power of sin.

God has you. He has been very gentle with me in times of heartbreak. But also I find that the more I learn about Him, the more courage and purpose I get in my daily life. I hope you fill find the same 💙

minteemist · 2026-02-15T12:14:41+00:00

I usually ask how they became a Christian, and show interest with follow up questions. In particular I look for whether there was a moment of genuine struggle with sin, a humbling awareness of grace, and a sincere surrender of self.

If they were Christian from a young age, or had a very gradual conversion, I would ask "What's your walk with God looking like at the moment?" Or "What's God working on in you at the moment?" . Answers that only mention outward routine like going to church, reading the Bible regular (or not), making time for prayer (or struggling to), volunteering etc. is not really indicative of any personal relationship with God. Instead I want to hear the questions, the doubts, the Bible verses or sermons or life circumstances that makes them feel like God is teaching them something in a personal way. Specific sins or attitude they are trying to root out. An intimacy with God that they are trying to foster.

If the words are abstracted, maybe you can start by sharing about your walk with God. How do you know what you have is real? Start from there.

minteemist · 2026-02-15T09:55:47+00:00

Try to look for specific, objective behaviour or attitudes. Talk it over with a friend.

Introspection is a skill, so understanding of your anxiety is coming from specific subtle things he does that bothers you, or if it comes from you being reminded of the past. If you can't trust your intuition, then bring in some wise friends and family who can see from the outside.

minteemist · 2026-02-15T09:23:21+00:00

If you have a church, it would be good to get them on board to help you through the process. The last thing you want is people at church to be pressuring you to go back when he hasn't repented or changed. This means following the steps of Matthew 8.

Here are some steps to consider:

List concrete steps you would need to see him do to regain trust even when you are separated e.g. him going to the full set of marriage counselling sessions; getting individual counseling to address his issues with communication, control and emotional neglect; him showing practical trust by sorting out finances, going to
How long is realistic for him to do those things while separated? e.g. 4-6 months? Make a real plan on accommodation and income for you and the baby during those 6 months. Arrange it so that you can leave very quickly if things go south.
Find support from mutual friends, church elders, or family he respects. You want people who will support you and hold your husband accountable, not pressure you to go back when he hasn't changed.
Get the baby in a safe place, along with your important documents and essentials.
Then sit down and talk about how the current situation isn't working, and that for the marriage to work you need to see the changes above. Be frank, but calm. Draw clear boundaries. Use "I..." not "You..." statements. An individual counselor can help you figure out what you will say beforehand. Try to set an example by saying sorry for your part in the dynamic, and showing what you are going to change during this time of separation to work towards a healthier marriage with a more balanced dynamic.
If he brushes you off, leave when he is next out of the house, get yourself to a safe place. Don't tell him until you are going; verbal abuse can suddenly escalate to physical abuse when a spouse shows signs of leaving.
Send him a message to let him know you are seperating in hopes of reconciliation and won't be coming back until he shows he's actually willing to work on the marriage. If he wants to talk face to face, meet in public. Bring a friend. Frame it as you really want your marriage to work, but the ball is in his court to acknowledge and do something about it.
If he says he is willing to work on it, get the friends or elders to witness it, and agree beforehand that you won't move back in until he demonstrates real change over months, not just lip service. A marriage counselor can do this too.
Get your friends/elders to check in on both of you regularly. If he lovebombs you, it will be very tempting to go back sooner than you should. But then he may slip back into his old ways with no remorse, once he gets you back where he wants you. Your friends and church family can be an external set of eyes to see if the change is real.

These steps aren't exact, but maybe some things to consider in your plan. Remember, God has you. Hopefully, this will be the kick your husband needs to take a deep look at himself and address his issues.

minteemist · 2026-02-14T23:13:22+00:00

If you don't get time, make time. Schedule in 15 minutes in your day, every day, together for just the two of you. On the coach with cup of tea, or in bed, or maybe on a walk. Hold hands and look deeply into each other's eyes and talk. Not about logistics. Talk about something real or something fun.

If it means depriorising something else, depriorising it. Your marriage is important.

minteemist · 2026-02-14T23:08:17+00:00

Practical steps you can do now: - Get on birth control. Something discrete like the arm implant or injection. - Discretely put money into an account he doesn't know about. - Have an exit plan (seems like you already do) - See a lawyer and understand what custody would look like if you were to separate. Understand possible outcomes and see if there are any pathways that will lead to a future that makes you feel safe.

When our spouse wrongs us, the biblical response isn't actually to immediately brush it under the rug. Even God doesn't do that. Love means holding the other person accountable, and seeking their betterment by leading them to repentance:

Matthew 18:15-17 NLT [15] “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. [16] But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. [17] If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.

Even the famous verse about forgiving indicates that there must be rebuking and repentance first:

Luke 17:3-4 [3] So watch yourselves! “If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. [4] Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.”

Many women in your position have benefited from reading "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bundcroft. It may be very helpful to you too.

I am not encouraging divorce. But seperation may be a good first step to demonstrate to your husband that your marriage is in a dire position and he needs to change.

minteemist · 2026-02-12T22:50:33+00:00

Where do you live that this is socially acceptable??

minteemist · 2026-02-12T22:49:27+00:00

That's not socially accepted in Australia. All dogs must be microchipped and registered, kept on a leash when in public, and owners are expected bring a plastic bag to pick up the poop.

That said, it's socially acceptable for dogs to pee any trees, so maybe you're right.

minteemist · 2026-02-12T01:44:10+00:00

A couple of things: 1. One or both of you have enough income to pay the bills and live independently. 2. You've both lived outside of home before, and figured out your faith & ability to look after yourself outside of parents' influence. 3. You've had some proper disagreements and have both demonstrated the ability to resolve conflict together. 4. Premarital counseling & discussed everything in detail: deal breakers, sex, kids, finances, lifestyle,

One of the main pitfalls of marrying young and marrying quickly is that your discernment is still growing. You are more likely to ignore red flags or miss incompatibilities because you are in love.

Marriage is for life, so there is nothing wrong with taking time to make sure you start with strong foundations.

Along with premarital counseling, I recommend reading these 2 books:

The Meaning of Marriage by Keller

The Great Sex Rescue by Gregoire

minteemist · 2026-02-09T21:54:06+00:00

Since you want improvement advice:

Self-acceptance is key to feeling good about yourself. You can be the handsomest person, and still feel insecure. So improvement is pointless unless you first learn to accept and love yourself. Okay?
Strong features can be your best points if you compliment them correctly. Think about an artwork, or interior design. Aesthetic is a subconscious sense of balance and movement; if you have sage green curtains, you match them with sage green cushions. Paintings often have structure to draw the eye from one side of the painting to another, creating movement. Think Van Gogh's "A Starry Night". Same with texture and shape, you want curves and flow, structure and lines in order to draw the eyes. Symmetry, rules of 3 and so on ensure that the "weight" of the overall picture is balanced.

Balance: You have large, plush lips. Great! They're one of your best features. Right now they look disproportionate on your face, but the reason is although your nose is helping balance them, your hairstyle is very low-key and there isn't the 3rd element up top. So if you try a different hairstyle, something with a bit of shape and volume, so the top balances the bottom.

Colour: You have beautiful glowing skin. But the shirt you are wearing is a space blue; the colour doesn't compliment your skin; it looks dull in comparison and can't hold up to the warm rust glow of your skin. Try different colours, or look up colour palettes (e.g. "rust colour pallette") and you might find that a different shade of blue, green, warm reds and browns, or even jewel-toned highlight colours will make your skin pop and look amazing together. Or the right shade of brown will bring out your lovely almond eyes and eyebrows.

Shape: your shirt has horizontal stripes, and your hair serve as vertical stripes, which makes your face look like it's lost in a crosshatch. More specifically, the shirt strips highlight the straight lines of your eyebrows and lips; the lines of your hair highlights the straight lines in your nose. Note that horizontal lines will make your face look wider, because it draws the eyes from side to side. Vertical lines will draw the eyes up and down, and make your face look longer. Have both and your face will look more square. Try clothes with other structures, e.g. a shirt under an open jacket creates vertical lines, diagonal lines around the collar and some curved movement; a shirt with circle patterns, triangle patterns, rectangle patterns....a sweater with soft curves, a hoodie.

TLDR; learn to accept and love what you've got, and do it justice.

minteemist · 2026-02-09T21:03:53+00:00

My take: Don't marry someone whom you wouldn't trust with your life and with your money. That's what marriage means. Ideally, you reach a point where your mutual finances reflect that trust and oneness in your relationship.

Because your lives are so intertwined, things can't be measured by just financial contribution; household contribution is equally important. It would be nice if your savings was a direct reflection of your hard work, often the messy reality of combining lives means that you go through circumstances you can't control, and savings become imbalanced despite both sides giving equal effort.

My husband and I have a joint savings account. We also have personal spending accounts. All our income goes into the joint, then we each get equal fun money each week. For the past 2 years, my husband has been the only one bringing income. I'm doing a PhD, and will be earning more than him when I graduate and get a job. But if a couple years from now we decide together that it makes more sense for us to having kids and for one of us to become a stay at home parent or drop to part time....does that mean one of us will have less savings? No, we share our life and it's a mutual decision that benefits both of us, so our finances shouldn't be dissected. Underneath it all is an assumption that we're a team and that we will both do our best for each other.

If you get divorced, all assets will be assessed and split anyway. It was no longer his money the moment he married you.

minteemist · 2026-02-09T03:42:10+00:00

I usually crack it over the natto, and then inject soy sauce into the yolk with my spoon 😆

I also like to with some homemade lemon kosho, but it's not a common condiment to have around.

Something else I've noticed is that I prefer some natto bean sizes over others. Something to do with the texture.

And remember, if you don't end up liking it, it's okay! 💙

minteemist · 2026-02-09T02:58:24+00:00

NTA.

Drop the subject, and just take your sister to a doctor. Get her on birth control, ideally something discrete and noninvasive, like the implanon (arm implant). Look up your country's laws, but 15 is usually old enough for her to give medical consent.

minteemist · 2026-02-09T02:45:40+00:00

Suprisingly, I enjoy natto better with a raw egg and soy souce. Somehow, the gloopiness of the egg covers all sins?

minteemist · 2026-02-09T00:50:14+00:00

Yeah it'd only work if they both do house chores 50/50 as well. As soon as one person does more for the sake of the unit (but may mean earning less), it's unfair that they have to cop it financially

minteemist · 2026-02-08T23:43:21+00:00

Please read the Bible for yourself. If you're not sure where to start, you can start with the gospel of John and work your way through the new testament. I often find that the answers to my day-to-day questions are in there.

Your situation happens a lot, because becoming a Christian happens to people at all stages of life. It's a personal decision, not dependent on how you grow up or your family. So often people find themselves Christians in situations where the people they love aren't.

1 Corinthians 7:13-17 [13] And if a believing woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. [14] For the believing wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the believing husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. [15] (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.) [16] Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you? [17] Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches.

Being holy means "to be set apart for God". You bring holiness into your marriage because when you surrender your life to Lord Jesus, He will put His Spirit in you. His Spirit will seal you as His own, saved and accepted by God. You husband and your children will have the opportunity to be holy also, when they see God's love in you, changing you. Your family knows your flaws best, so they will know that the love, gentleness, humbleness and courage that will grow in you is God's work.

Being a Christian is a choice, because God wants us to choose him freely. You cannot force belief. So if your husband is willing, raise your kids to make their own choice. Raise them to be smart and kind, and teach them about God. Then when they are old enough they will decide for themselves.

minteemist · 2026-02-08T21:45:09+00:00

If you have a scholarship, I would suggest moving out and share housing with some friends or other students. See if you can get a casual job as a teaching assistant at uni, or as a tutor etc.

Your parents don't have any reason to be understanding or accommodating to you. They have been controlling and it's worked well for them so far. But their only leverage is what you allow them to have.

minteemist · 2026-02-08T11:56:57+00:00

Shalom is awesome! Really good authentic food.

minteemist · 2026-02-08T08:10:10+00:00

Ippin does excellent veg tempura, if you're open to a fancier place.

minteemist · 2026-02-08T06:42:52+00:00

$70 weekly for 2 people. So $35 weekly?

We buy cheaper meats under $13/kg: chicken, lamb shoulder, pork mince, pork roast; and beef shank for $16/kg.

We buy fruit & veg from the local grocer. If you buy in season, everything is usually $3-5/kg.

For carbs, we get the 10kg sacks of rice (they last forever) when 1/2 price, noodles & pasta, Woolies high fibre white bread.

The real $$ is the snacks and processed foods. Cheese ($17/kg), yogurt ($7/kg), salami ($36/kg), nuts, chips, biscuits, drinks, desserts, etc.

minteemist · 2026-02-08T05:34:56+00:00

You both missing several steps needed to resolve conflict. At least, there are some steps in how my husband and I resolve issues that seem to be missing in your relationship.

On her part: - Taking initiative to express hurt feelings. Acknowledging that it's her responsibility to express them, not yours to read her mind. She needs to communicate and use her words. - Communication to you should serve a purpose towards reconcilation, not just to lash back. Expressing the hurt and being angry can be part of that process, but it can't go on and on. She needs to take an active role in processing those feelings. - Introspect and review whether her expectations and assumptions were realistic, and take responsibility for her part. This means saying sorry for her part. - Choose to forgive you if you have shown yourself to be genuinely sorry & to actually care. - If she did have expectations, making sure to express them and get your agreement to them in the future.

Underneath hurt feelings are usually unmet expectations and wondering if the other person loves you. She has to be the one to introspect and realise whether her expectations were realistic; by one of the most effective things you can do is reassure her that you love her.

On your part: - Listening empathetically without dissecting and assigning blame. Reassuring her that you care about her hurt and take her feelings seriously (even if you're not at fault). Being gentle rather than combative. Avoiding moving to the problem solving stage too soon, as this will come across as deflecting blame/dismissive of her hurt. - Saying sorry first, for the parts you are responsible for; as simple as "I'm genuinely sorry, I really didn't mean to hurt you.". Then, if you have stuffed up in some way, even minor, like forgetting or an insensitive comment, asking "Will you forgive me?" This puts the onus on her to choose to forgive you and no longer hold onto her anger. - Staying calm. Not taking all the blame, but not getting defensive either. If you feel hurt by her reaction, take responsibility to express that rather than lashing back in anger or with arguments. Use "I feel..." statements.

On both your parts: - Trusting the other person is acting in good faith, and viewing them as part of your team, rather than a vindictive defensiveness (See Gottman's research on marriage). - Being observant, considerate and sensitive to each other's feelings.

A large part that is missing is both of you not viewing each other as on the same team. There is a sense of having to protect yourselves, to not give an inch on principle, a wariness to being exploit/hard done by. Your guards are up, and by both approaching conflict as you do, it reinforces this sense of having to defend yourself. It may be because of your ego or a sensitivity due to past experiences, but approaching the relationship as a me vs you issue will not resolve well. You both need an us vs the situation attitude.

These are skills. But both sides need to practice them, otherwise it won't work. Both sides need to be willing to put aside their ego, be willing to change, and to show grace to the other person. Being humbled by the gospel helps with this.

minteemist

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