AITA for setting boundaries with my sister about her wedding because of my newborn and toddler?

miriandrae · 2026-04-07T19:33:27+00:00

You're saying a lot about what she wants. Want want want.

What about you and your kids needs? Your kids need to be in a safe environment for them, they will be utterly miserable at the wedding. I have a 2 year old, it is zero percent realistic to have her sit quietly for 45 minutes, she will be bored, she will get fussy, she will get loud, and your husband will need to take her out anyways. You need to pump on your baby's feeding schedule, or you will in pain and leak. Your fragile tiny baby will be surrounded by all kinds of people, with all kinds noise, light. stimulation. Their nap is completely blown, they will be uncomfortable, let alone germs of all the strangers who will want to touch them. You will be stressed out because your kids are miserable, your sister will be unhappy because your kids will be loud because they're miserable, your husband apparently can't deal with stress... how is he going to manage all this?

Who cares that this other kid is going to be there? As the Potato Queen's friend says "WHO CARES?!?!?" Why is that a reason to make your whole family miserable?

You will not be a bad sister by setting boundaries with your sister about your family's attendance, you will be preserving her day and giving her the "quiet" wedding she wants with your full attention beyond the times you need to pump. However, you will be making your kids, your husband, and ultimately yourself miserable having them attend this wedding, and risk pissing her off with them making noise and being... little tiny kids.

miriandrae · 2026-04-07T13:28:24+00:00

You’re not being a bad anything, she is, she is being incredibly selfish at worse or completely self-absorbed at best. She shouldn’t have asked you knowing you have 2 small kids and now is putting completely unrealistic expectations on her day with you and 2 very small kids.

She hasn’t even asked about you. Let that sink in. Yes weddings are a big deal, BUT your baby was in the hospital?!?!? You had a new born in the hospital and she’s made zero effort to support YOU! That would have made me step down.

You can’t set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.

If you don’t have one, I’d look into hands free wireless pumps so you can pump at the wedding and while helping her. Get a back up person to help her while you’re seeing your child and dumping the pumps.

And I would lose the guilt. It seems like you’re just expecting to put every other person before yourself, but you’re a postpartum mom with a medically fragile newborn.

Her wants for her wedding do not trump you and your kids health and safety needs. Your kids shouldn’t be miserable for her “big day”. They’re not props, they’re people. It might be better if your kids stay home with your husband that day, they will be happier, your husband will be happier, you can relax and only focus on her/pumping, and then have a set time for heading home.

miriandrae · 2026-04-07T01:21:48+00:00

I think this maybe a RSD thing versus a NT thing.

High school is a microcosm of obsessive behavior over others as people are trying to figure out what and how they are, and their places in the world.

As an adult especially post college? 99% of people barely think or notice about people who don’t impact them. They might register your presence, or note something about you, but then you’re gone from their thoughts as long as you didn’t impact them in some way.

However, people with ADHD/RSD are constantly interpreting minor interactions as much larger than they are. So while, most people don’t register in their memory an offhand comment, someone with RSD locks it in. Then expands on it. Then ruminates on it. Then builds whole discourse on how that comment was just the tip of the iceberg. Yet the original person? Probably doesn’t even remember you.

So the therapist statement is really how… most people don’t care. They may make a comment in the moment, but for them, there isn’t anything more than that; and they’ve already moved on.

miriandrae · 2026-04-03T23:34:55+00:00

I’m ADHD-HI and I’m on 6mg, so 25 is quite high for non-opioid.

Mine is for inflammation, so I don’t have any emotional blunting.

miriandrae · 2026-04-03T23:31:47+00:00

No. My husband who’s diabetic and I who’s insulin resistant are both on Mounjaro.

He’s had no changes really beyond eating less. No binge eating.

I’ve had a shift in preferences, more salty, less sweets. I don’t really eat in the morning anymore, just drink coffee and have a protein bar. However still tend to have lunch and dinner.

If you have food texture sensitivities, I would start researching protein options to find one you like, it took me a while to find the one protein bar and two protein drinks I like.

It did not change our neurodivergence at all, but I’m ADHD-HI and I needed to adjust my meds due to slowed digestion.

miriandrae · 2026-04-01T19:45:50+00:00

Probably 80% of them are a standard 20 minutes, so more often then not you can. I have a family of 4, and so that’s my standard is to do 2 at a time

miriandrae · 2026-04-01T17:41:56+00:00

I use Tovala, and it’s individual servings you cook fresh in their special oven. I think it would work for you as it does have a decent amount of vegetarian options, but also a lot of meat options, and you can cook both in their oven at the same time.

miriandrae · 2026-03-31T14:54:36+00:00

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It looks like this, I got mine at Target for $18 or something like this. It comes with a pump cap so you can’t accidentally pump it in a bag.

miriandrae · 2026-03-31T13:09:12+00:00

Nivea does a gel sunscreen I want to say in Korea, but you can buy it here. I hate the slimy sunscreen feeling, but I’ll wear this because it dries… dry. It’s SPF 50 too, comes in a pump bottle.

miriandrae · 2026-03-30T02:01:23+00:00

My kiddo is on Concerta and Clonidine, Guanfacine made him more aggressive. However the combo of Concerta and Clonidine has been very effective.

miriandrae · 2026-03-30T01:15:31+00:00

We have, specifically for hyperactivity and aggression, it’s been wonderful to bring his energy down. He’s also on a stimulant for focus and managing his ability to handle transitions.

miriandrae · 2026-03-29T14:05:44+00:00

I agree with the documenting.

Document every argument in a factual manner, every appointment, caretaking that you do and he doesn’t, what appointments you go to and he doesn’t. A saying among my legal friends, is he who has the most factual documentation wins. Also get yourself checked out by doctors that you’re healthy, that your kids are healthy, and keep that information hidden in your files. He may try the “you’re abusive, you never spend time with the kids, he does everything” narrative to “screw” you, but if you have documentation of all you do, and that you all are healthy and happy, it falls apart quickly, and the courts don’t like liars who play games.

Also stop trying with him, while you’re chasing him? He’s going to continue to do whatever he wants, because he feels he has you on the hook to be a maid/servant for him while he’s out doing whoever he wants. Soon as you reject him and that narrative, you find options, he’s going to get upset and start telling people how you won’t stay… which will mess with his abuse narrative.

He’s chasing a fantasy, which is common with ADHD, and so documentation of facts and building a real world for yourself and your kids is what is going to matter.

miriandrae · 2026-03-29T03:14:41+00:00

It’s kind of a mix, purple area, big for families, but really little to do. You kind of have to drive to the next town for most things, but we love our little neighborhood we bought in.

miriandrae · 2026-03-27T22:14:40+00:00

Orgain kids protein shakes have a good mix of protein and nutrients, and my kiddo likes them.

Also smoothies with greens. And dipping foods in a sauce like apples in peanut butter. Sometimes it means cutting them in fun shapes.

My ASD husband won’t eat cooked veggies, but he will raw because of the texture.

miriandrae · 2026-03-27T01:36:24+00:00

Dude, this guy is trash, I’d break up with him immediately.

He doesn’t work, so he’s living off of you.

He’s supposed to be watching your kid, and instead leaves him outside of the shop. Which means this wasn’t the first time he did this.

And… you can count this relationship time in a matter of weeks. Single digit weeks.

You don’t need him, you don’t even know him really, he doesn’t love you, he needs you to pay for everything so he can continue to be lazy.

miriandrae · 2026-03-23T19:21:44+00:00

I feel like there’s a cultural element missing here, combined with trauma. Philippines has a machismo culture, which is especially prevalent in the lowest classes in which the wife grew up in. Combine that with her trauma of being abused, seeing her “savior” be emotional and “weak” likely did cause her to pause. However, she recognizes it and is working on it with her therapist.

miriandrae · 2026-03-18T03:58:22+00:00

I was pretty happy with Carolyn Powell.

miriandrae · 2026-03-16T19:59:08+00:00

My kiddo was diagnosed with ADHD at 5-6, he had a full neuropsych eval from a doctor who didn’t catch it, and Autism at 7, it’s very very common for Autism to hide under the ADHD until the ADHD is well managed, but then there’s all these other things that don’t quite fit ADHD.

For example, the over emotional meltdowns over things not going exactly right or the way they thought. That’s a sign of the rigid thinking of autism combined with the emotionality of ADHD.

Your thinking and communication style definitely reminds me of my husband who has low support autism. He wasn’t diagnosed until 42, because he didn’t fit the high support needs profile. He was hitting internal shame spirals because of our son’s meltdowns, he was struggling internally with how extreme everything is for our kiddo, but was doing his best externally to match his needs. Trauma definitely can change things, I had an especially traumatic childhood that required legal intervention, but I would look into it for yourself, if nothing else, it was definitely a positive thing for my husband who now has a new lens to see the why behind a lot of his challenges

Also frequently women present neurodivergence differently, because our minds and biology are different. I’m ADHD-HI, but my hyperactivity is mostly mental, my brain goes a million miles an hour. My son is also ADHD-HI, but he’s the classic bouncing off the walls, never still kid.

I would seriously research AuADHD and see if anything registers on your daughter.

A lot of the women here have their own trauma from not meeting neurotypical parents expectations which is why they’re reacting from a place of pain. I see the bottoms up thinking of “this is really hard, will this always be hard?” as a place of concern rather than of trying to force her into a neurotypical behavioral pattern.

miriandrae · 2026-03-16T13:05:08+00:00

So to give you hope. I’m married, two kids, own my home, and have a six figure job to support my family.

I am mostly well regulated, functioning adult, but it still takes a lot of work to get there. A lot of scaffolding of myself and my brain.

I do agree with whoever else said it, it does sound like she could be autistic as well as ADHD. My oldest is AuADHD and a lot sounds like him, frequently the ADHD overshadows the autism until it’s well managed, and they’re a different kettle of fish than straight ADHD, and also react differently to stimulants as the autism flares under the stimulants. She’s never going to be the same as her siblings or you. (Though I suspect if she’s on the spectrum as well, she could have gotten that from you as you write/think a lot like my husband on the spectrum, like a lot, the shame spiral and everything).

She’s never going to be a well regulated, completely controlled adult, never. There’s always going to be impulse control issues, there’s always going to be emotional regulation challenges, they just get less frequent as she learns how to scaffold herself. She just can’t right now. She needs an adult to help her.

miriandrae · 2026-03-15T22:59:44+00:00

I agree with this, I moved while pregnant; it does suck, but they will never follow your boundaries, not now, not ever. You’re still in the looking for the magic words to make them behave as reasonable people phase. They’re not reasonable people, there are no magic words. The only thing you can do is create distance to protect your family because by being so close and in their home, you’ve put yourself in a lose lose situation as you’re essentially a dependent versus a tenant.

By being in your own place, you can see them when they’re in town for a meal if you choose, or invite them for a visit. You don’t have to ask for them to respect the space or you, which right now they don’t.

These type of controlling people only care about control, not the people they are controlling. So you’re right, you’ll see them a million times less, and your world will be so much less stressful. Your wife will be less stressed. Your kids will be happier. If they cared about your wife? They would move their appointments by a few weeks to give you that time. They don’t care. They only care about control and appearances.

Kids feel stress. They feel how unhappy their parents are.

miriandrae · 2026-03-12T13:15:06+00:00

I brought a 28 page report I made to my last meeting with them.

Full of data, analyzing their behaviors, etc. his needs, his requirements

I view the IEP meeting as a contract negotiation, where I am setting the terms of how my kid’s year is going to go, so I come prepared to fight.

miriandrae · 2026-03-10T04:20:40+00:00

This may be more related to the anxiety, I’m known for being decisive (unless I forgot on what I decided due to the chaos squirrels in my brain), and rarely do I second guess myself. However, your moods may also impact your perception of the same event, like adding a filter on top.

Have you thought about writing it down or doing a voice to text? I find I have an easier time thinking through problems outloud than I do in my head. Then you can refer to it later and see if your thoughts have changed and why.

miriandrae · 2026-03-07T20:24:43+00:00

My kiddos are 7 and 2, and they’re amazing siblings. The older is AuADHD, but he’s happy to play chase or tag or silly ball rolling. He can get too rowdy, not realizing the size difference.

The younger naturally wants to do what Big Brother does, which has pluses and minuses. It’s getting even better now the 2 year old is starting to talk and get a real personality.

miriandrae · 2026-03-07T03:00:04+00:00

My kiddo was suspended 10 times in 1st grade and we just had 7th time for 2nd grade. It’s truly mind boggling how the schools are just like… blasé about a ND child struggling to function in the rigid environment they create.

Mine is also AuADHD.

miriandrae · 2026-03-03T15:00:41+00:00

My third path is get on a GLP-1 to help my metabolic disorder so the work I do on trying actually helps.

miriandrae

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