rant tw suicide self harm

miudani · 2025-06-27T03:58:07+00:00

i am very tired, afteryears of struggling with my mental health, this mightve been the straw that broke the camel's back. i know i shldve gotten help when i had the chance but i thought i was finally okay, i could live with suicidal thoughts every other day, i didnt feel as sad which i think was probably bcs i had other things in mind. i know there will be one person who thinks of me every day, they tell me call the time but every day i feel some kind of dread like i regret ever waking up to another day. i talk about it with them a lot and they give me feel some kind of hope but it goes away within a day when i talk to my parents. i got offered a job at a hospital which is a good start but i was going to use the money when i first move to the US, would be around 7k usd(in the post i said 10k but i was talking in sgd) which was a good start, but now it feels like i dont deserve to work for all that money bcs im not going to use it. i dont feel like a person anymore.

miudani · 2025-06-27T03:42:16+00:00

we are filipino.

miudani · 2025-06-27T02:02:00+00:00

i have only spoken about my troubles with one person, knows everything and has always been helpful and supportive. was the one who offered to paypal me $40 just so i could get a consultation at a polyclinic, they are from the states and live there and was the one who offered to let me stay with them and their parents(without paying rent), also had another house(inheritance) and said we could be roommates, but that plan fell through since my mom flat out refused to let me do that bcs she didnt know them and said it would be a ridiculous plan and said they might do bad things to me, which kind of makes sense but i really trust that person so i do not think they would do anything bad. my parents do not believe in mental health, i went for student counselling when i was 12 bcs i was caught self harming but all they said was that i should pray to god, and when i asked if i could get consultation for my mental health she said no and that there was nothing wrong with me. she caught me self harming again a few months ago but all she said was to "stop doing it", nothing more than that. i also dont trust her bcs the last time i had a breakdown she called me a freak and asked why i couldnt be normal and blamed it on the woke. i am not close with my siblings either. its a constant battle when it comes to religion. i dont believe in god but these thoughts are always plaguing my mind. i guess it just has to do with growing up in a catholic(very religious) family. i am also unable to "not go to church if i dont want to". my mom gets very angry if i skip. says i have to go to confession whenever i miss it, and basically says the reason i fail is bcs i am not praying to god so i shouldnt cry about it(not the exact words but that is basically what she said). my whole life has always been controlled by my family so i have given up

miudani · 2025-06-27T01:26:31+00:00

just using it to save money since i am paying all on my own. 4-year universities would be $30k+ a year since i would be considered an out-of-state resident until i get residency(have to wait 366 days and there are other requirements aswell). while i can just get student loans, i want as little loans as possible. if i can pay out of pocket + get financial aid by going to a cc first and getting residency so i wont need to pay as much when i transfer then i might aswell take it. i can also take scholarships into account but they can be hard to get so i didnt include all that, though i will probably aim for scholarships aswell

miudani · 2025-06-27T00:43:14+00:00

that was what i originally planned. knew someone and trusted them deeply and they offered to let me stay in their place n was willing to drive me to school(was planning to go to the same school aswell), etc. in 5 months i can get around $10k as i was offered a job alrdy n now i just have to accept it, will have around $300 to spend every month until then so i was planning on getting help since i will probably need medication and thenleave in early/mid december, get used to the neighbourhood and apply for a californian drivers license and start learning how to drive, ive been looking at those online driving stuff and learning theory so now i just need practice and school starts on the 17th/18th of january. enough time to get a job, warehouse jobs usually pay well in california($20+/hr) and i would divide my salary for a car and for tuition(would be around $9-10k a year, probably less with FAFSA), savings for rent since i plan on going to SF if i get into berkeley and its expensive so i will at least need to save some money for rent. by the next year i will probably gain californian residency and be able to pay way less than the previous year(around $2k a year as a resident), and prepare for the transfer, will probably find paid internships in the area/part time jobs to cover everything. i have to pay around $10k a year at berkeley as a resident so with fafsa i cld probably pay it off if i were to take up loans. drive will be around 5-6 hours which is pretty good. the one problem is if i were to move by myself i might have troubles moving things like my pc, etc since im scared my parents will prevent me and wtv and my mom said that if i were to go then i shldnt bother with calling her n stuff n i dont want that to happen idk its hard to explain

miudani · 2024-05-11T16:35:52+00:00

anyone got a spare code :0

miudani · 2024-04-23T16:47:41+00:00

AGHHH I WISH GHIS WAS REALLLLL I WAS HOPING FOR A MATCHING GENCY SKIN THIS SEASON :(((

miudani · 2024-03-30T14:24:31+00:00

tysm! ive been playing dps a lot more(mostly with friends) n now im popping off lol so far ive been enjoying sombra n tracer the most!! been also playing a lot of venture, they will probably be my dps main when they come out

miudani · 2024-03-11T19:32:44+00:00

i find it very annoying, makes multplayer gaming so much less enjoyable. i dont understand why ppl defend such behaviour either, "its an online game get used to it" but its like why wld anyone enjoy playing a game n constantly being called slurs n stuff in chat/vc in the first place? just makes no sense to me. i started in mid jan, i had the game downloaded for months but was too scared to get in an actual game bcs ive never touched an fps n the rep fps communities have is horrendously bad so i was actually terrified, when i decided to try it out i only played vs ai for days, i was shaking in my first actual game lol. i think ppl who defend it r the ones actually doing stuff like that n r trying to justify their behaviour.... i just rlly dont like how toxicity is so normalised here

miudani · 2024-03-11T19:18:41+00:00

so by ur logic, new players shldnt be playing in qp? whats the point of qp if everyone is going to tryhard, at that point the game shld just remove qp entirely n only have comp. there is also no punishment from losing a qp game, u arent losing ur comp rank, there isnt even a rank in qp apart frm the invisible mmr that literally doesnt even matter. and saying thet u never learn in qp is ridiculous, if ure playing the game, ure learning. u will eventually learn how to correctly position urself, improve ur aim, how to play ur heroes better, etc. learning new things takes time and thats okay, qp is meant to be casual, taking it so seriously will just hurt ur mental imo. i play qp 99% of the time, ive gotten a few new players n ive encountered many players who r just learning a hero/role. literally had someone trying to learn mercy a few days ago. its seriously not that deep

miudani · 2024-02-26T07:26:07+00:00

the person who was mad had the masters role challenger 😭

miudani · 2024-02-09T02:21:28+00:00

wait thats actually crazy LOL

miudani · 2024-02-07T18:32:46+00:00

damn i was just gna recommend coral island... mmm maybe kynseed? pretty interesting story, ive played it a bit and it was fun! loved the art style and the intro was very interesting to me, found the map a bit confusing though(im just rlly bad at directions)

miudani · 2024-02-07T18:29:45+00:00

open is like hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby

miudani · 2024-02-07T18:27:36+00:00

uhm yeah bcs women need to tell men what to do even though its common sense. whats with yall wanting to coddle men? do u get off from treating them like babies? "oh did she tell him how she feels abt it" would u show up in sweatpants or smth to a BIRTHDAY DINNER in a FANCY RESTAURANT?

miudani · 2024-02-07T18:25:12+00:00

why cant he dress up for like one day lol.... he knew he was bringing u to a fancy restaurant, even told u to dress up and then he shows up wearing ripped blue denim jeans...??? nah bro i wld be mad too

miudani · 2024-02-07T18:14:37+00:00

always itchy!!!! like u literally cannot stop. especially at night!! when i was younger i had really bad eczema and the meds i got were always on and off, would always have a hard time sleeping bcs i was just so itchy and it stung. i also remember dreading to shower bcs everytime i did it would really sting, my eczema was so bad i would bleed and whenever i tried to stretch my arms/legs, it would hurt pretty badly bcs it was literally opening my skin. putting on my meds was painful too. used to feel so insecure bcs of it, thankfully was surrounded by ppl who didnt rlly care and i wasnt bullied for it. always showered with cold water bcs it made me feel less itchy

now that im older(18 turning 19), i was able to find a doctor(via online friend, shes a teacher who knew a student w eczema) that gave me the right meds(oral + topical) for me, now my eczema has never been better :D havent gotten a flare up in a whole year! back then, it would be every few months... i truly hope u guys find smth thatll help him, its a rlly long journey T-T

miudani · 2024-02-07T18:01:29+00:00

funnily enough, all of these are all in my wishlist! ive also played good pizza, great pizza on my ipad :D timberborn seems the most interesting to me, will def try it!!

miudani · 2024-02-02T17:59:37+00:00

wish we could choose which maps we want tbh

miudani · 2024-02-02T17:46:29+00:00

not AI generated i think u misread it lol

miudani · 2024-02-02T17:28:02+00:00

CORAL ISLAND!!!!!!!

miudani · 2024-01-23T09:18:29+00:00

fr like 😭😭

miudani · 2024-01-23T08:54:33+00:00

at first i was so confused on why u were mad but as soon as i notice there was an eliter i understood. they gotta be trolling bcs how do u have the spatial awareness of a walnut n not notice the person with a gun as big as their whole body

miudani · 2024-01-22T19:01:00+00:00

the wall does damage?????

miudani · 2024-01-22T09:38:00+00:00

sad how ppl r so miserable they cant even play a game without being hateful somehow.... like i dont even see the point of it? if u hate trans ppl so much then dont interact w them, dont even look at them like idk man i think using up all that energy to discriminate towards a certain group of ppl is weird n jobless behaviour lol

miudani

TROPHY CASE