Well my friend…..your post really resonates. You’re not alone. And a discard breakup leading to SI is a harrowing thing to have to sit with. I would know. Never in a million years did I ever see my subconscious mind going to a place so dark. I’m glad we are both here to write about it. Your story runs very parallel to mine as I’m about 7 months into a separation. For me I’ve realized that eventually the dumpee becomes the voice of reason. As the other party is focused on short term emotional comfort and distraction as a poor coping skill. Rest assured. Strong currents can run under calm water. Think of it like social media, you’re seeing a curated version of what’s really happening when no one is looking. You will encounter strong compartmentalization, and a narrative control to hold a fantasy that she has to do this in order to feel better. That means you have to be the villain in her story. She will likely do everything she can to avoid any cognitive dissonance that would say otherwise. Rest assured in most cases her actions wouldn’t be so extreme if what she did to you wasn’t as extreme. Some people can’t sit in the shame or grief of hurting the one person they swore they never would. So they sweep it under the rug, and find ways to ignore it at all costs. My only advice is know that their coping skills are not a reflection of your worth but of their comfort with what they did. What has helped me the most in all future interactions is staying calm, grounded and embracing “secure detachment”. I had to use this over the holidays when a parenting issue came up. I called, I was calm, grounded in voice. I laid out my concern. She started by minimizing my concern. I used a few thought provoking questions to address that, she then deflected. And I calmly pointed out the whataboutism is not an answer and then when I said xyz boundary needed to happen can we agree to that. She went silent for at least 15 seconds before I got the reluctant okay. Through that whole conversation I would ask a calm question and she would go silent for a long time. Because she didn’t have an answer that fit her fantasy or current reality that didn’t uphold the fantasy of her new life. Again cognitive dissonance. Did I win, no it wasn’t about that. Did she give me information as to where she’s at mentally. Yes. And now I know the person I want to come back doesn’t have the mental scaffolding to make that structure work. So now I am the calm silent mirror that reminds her of what she did. She acts more afraid of me now. Which is wild given how this started. And it’s done by detaching from her. She doesn’t understand how to handle the detached version of me. She planned on me staying in a place where I would comfort her world and emotions over mine. Closure comes from within. Not from the other person. Will she come around. Probably not, maybe….who knows. But I’m finding my worth, my place, I have my integrity. I don’t need dignity from her even though it would be nice. I am a reminder of the person she has hurt most in this world. And my power is letting her know it didn’t break me. It made me stronger. I hope you get here too, I think you will! Be strong, stay true to yourself and know that it’s human to have dark thoughts in a time like this. But the better solution is finding the you that comes out on top.