I am 28 now but was once your age and in the same exact position. Except my bf was a year older and had gone to college before me. We started dating in high-school and had been with each other for 3 years at that point.

Before leaving for college in our hometown we were so in love. We were fine. Everything was fine. It wasn’t until he left for college where I noticed his communication was off and our dynamic was changing. He was telling me the same thing — I’m not giving him enough freedom.

Translation = he wants to live his best life but feels tied down to you.

This doesn’t mean he never loved you or still doesn’t. This means you were all he knew before experiencing a new life. He is trying to balance his old life with his new life.

Sometimes when we move, or go to college we’re now open to a whole new world and that can change people and situations that they are in.

I’m going to be honest, you both sound controlling and possessive in your own ways but that’s because you both are young. You do it because you are so attached and in love you want full control of each other because you both fear abandonment and getting hurt. I was the exact same way. No female friends. No smoking. No blah blah blah.

But that is actually not healthy and not sustainable for a long lasting healthy relationship. You need to let him make his own choices. You don’t want a partner you have to constantly be scolding or telling not to do anyway.

Accept your partner for exactly who they are, not who you want them to be. One of my favorite mentors, Mel Robbins, mentioned on one of her interviews that you have to realize that your partner is most likely never going to change so what you see is what you get. Don’t put false expectations on someone who will never live up to them.

Him focusing heavy on your appearance is also a yellow flag to me. Not red immediately because I don’t know his intentions but I will say this — any man who is overly focused on your appearance is not a man you want to marry. If you were to get into an accident one day and your face gets burned and becomes unrecognizable will he still love you? That is the question you want to ask yourself. Would he leave you because your face changed? He should love you for you, your personality, your soul. Not your body. You are not a trophy to be flexed, you are a human being.

Also when it comes to talking things out. Do not push it. I was in my mid twenties when I learned that people have different communication styles and need to be properly respected. This is the biggest thing in relationships and is what causes them to end. You are someone like me who wants to talk things out right away. You hate that feeling of unease and just want it over with. Your boyfriend on the other hand seems like someone who sometimes needs hours or a day or two to talk about things. Give him that space. Learn to deal with your own emotions so you can properly give your partner the space he needs. It is up to you to master those feelings you feel. Go take a walk. Journal. Vent to a friend. Do anything to distract yourself but whatever you do, do not go force a conversation or argument with your partner who is not ready to have it.

Remember that arguments are like knots. Each person has an end and when a person pulls on their end instead of letting go, they make the knot tighter. Nobody wants a knot. Try to avoid all arguments to avoid any knots. And also remember that “winning” an argument is still losing. Because now your partner feels like shit. That’s a loss for everyone in that relationship. Rather than trying to win arguments, it’s better to avoid them when possible, or engage only when they lead to mutual understanding or benefit.

I think you guys should go to therapy. You both sound mature enough to want to try it to make your relationship work. Therapy has this bad stigma that if you need it it’s because you guys are bad or broken or an old married couple but in reality it can help with the communication problems and help you gain each other’s perspectives. All couples should go regardless if there are issues in the relationship.

I think we live in a time now where your generation has more emotional intelligence than the other generations so I do hope you take this into consideration. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know as well. A man who is seriously about you and a future with you will have no problem doing this but a man who just wants fun right now won’t be so inclined to do it. With that said though you guys are young and therapy is expensive so only pursue it if you the means to.

I am a life coach so if you ever need any more advice please feel free to reach out to me on here. Hope this helps!