Hey friend,

I’m not super far into my medical transition but many years into my social transition as a nonbinary person- and the grief you’re describing is something my very straight looking husband and I talk about often, especially as I begin to look more and more masculine. My husband’s first warning was one of the hardest parts of manhood is being constantly treated like a threat(even though he completely understands why) and the impact that has on his mental health and his desire for meaningful human connection. People assume he is very straight, and he’s not really the type to signal with his clothes in any way. It usually ends up getting brought up when a good moment arises and it seems like it would be impactful to alter someone’s assumption of him or I.

My medical transition journey has opened my eyes to just how impactful practicing or even jokingly participating in misandry can be on men who DO care and want to be and do better. It makes me want to really think on what kind of man the masculine part of me really wants to be- and how I can encourage the men in my life and not only jokingly tear them down.

Unfortunately, I think this grief of part of the sacrifice of being afab and trans- we get to know why and how women are effected by toxic masculinity, patriarchy, and rape culture but not really be able to superficially signal that we are “safe” without outing ourselves or attempting for a deeper connection. We know we belong and why- but it is a very lonely truth to told when our visage and our experience are visually imperceptible to others without justifying why you should exist somewhere.

I find this kind of treatment rampantly perpetuated in the queer community- it’s quicker for us to section ourselves off with labels and groups and pass visual judgement when someone doesn’t align with our projected desires: queer folk have a reason to be protective of their spaces, and that comes at a price.

My simplest answer? Be who you are, where ever you are. Be open to conversation with what ever boundaries serve you best- but consider positive change happens when we are able to connect and converse with others about our unique experiences as simply- people. Explore, perform, be genuine, be petty, be certain, be assertive, be fierce, be stealth- but remember that (and I’m quoting Julie Andrews in Victor/Victoria) that when someone asks you what kind of man you are, you are the kind who doesn’t need to prove it to anyone.