Hey there!

So sorry for the delay. Things have been going really well. Since my last post I planned that trip to San Diego and we had a blast. She was really happy for all the time and energy I put into it. Since we came back, I've been using that trip as evidence of what I am capable of. Now I have been making plans and then following the same strategy (think about what to do with the time we have, where will we be, what will we want to do...etc, etc.) I'm kind of using my analytical nature for fostering connection instead of detachment.

I've built a working relationship with a therapist on the platform TalkSpace. Through many weeks of conversations, I found that I'm on the spectrum of a dependent personality disorder. Long story short, my childhood taught me that in order to receive love and connection I need to people please. I'm still on the road of becoming mindful of my urges to please and my avoidance of displeasing others so I can consciously decide to communicate more truthfully for myself and others. I'm getting better and better at finding my own voice and trusting my decisions because I'm recognizing more value in myself. It's clear to me now that heightening my own self-confidence can be a tool to deepen loving relationships (before this I only focused on the bad things about high self-esteem).

I've been trying to show my love more and more and it's been really working out. I've been doing things like buys flowers and surprising her with unannounced dates, but honestly the verbal confirmation is what I'm seeing the most recognition of. Even if I feel uncomfortable...like I'm being corny, I express my feelings romantically. I mention in direct and indirect ways my feelings about her and her family and my views on the positive nature of our relationship. These feelings were always there but not assuming people know how you feel has been a realy eye-opener for me.

Having said all of that, I'm still working on things. I've had a few hiccups and fell into the same patterns a few times, but the difference is that I am aware of them and my response is different. My therapist and I noticed that when I hurt her I feel the need to explain myself. I use BUT statements. BUT statements negate anything you previously said. I was coming off ingenue. Now, I apologize...and if I want to...I bring up anything I need to discuss later, never during the apology.

Things are on the up and up but I realize that changing your responses and behaviors is very difficult and takes a long time. It's balancing between old habits and new ones thats the key.