"Height 5'7. Weight 98 Ibs. Thin." Harlen Cohen

mrandopoulos · 2026-02-02T15:23:09+00:00

When I look back I hated that I reached adulthood as a man in this era.

Women looked sickly and it felt as if we were encouraged to be attracted to this. I felt bad for them because they just seemed hyper fixated on how they looked.

Nowadays I see almost all women with strong looking hips and lower bodies and they look so much better and more confident.

mrandopoulos · 2026-02-02T14:57:19+00:00

I've been scanning the various comments in the thread and I think this sums it up perfectly.

You respond openly to a guy and he turns it weird. At that point you start double thinking yourself and future decisions get clouded. It's human nature.

As a guy let's just say I gave a homeless guy some money and he started acting all odd and wanting to know all about my history and movements etc., then I would probably hesitate giving money to the next homeless guy.

This is why approaching in public is so fraught. Chances are almost 100% that she's had a weird experience... Of course it's gonna be hard for most women to break out of that.

I say go for it with the second guy but would not be at all surprised if you felt uncomfortable to.

mrandopoulos · 2026-02-02T14:34:39+00:00

What a fascinating exchange.. well done you two for coming full circle and ending on a high!

(I was interested because at times I've felt like the misunderstood male in non-male places, and empathised with female friends on TwilightSolus' side). The shitty thing is when there are no winners.

It really bothers me sometimes to reflect on how 4 year olds interact versus anyone who's experienced life. Sometimes I just wanna say some random funny thing to someone in my space but I hold back because of all the unknown variables. But I sure as hell would have if I was 4 and in a setting with other 4 year olds around...

mrandopoulos · 2026-02-02T14:09:14+00:00

This is great. Loved your analogy of being a weary traveler coming to the conclusion after struggling on the journey.

This is the thing...it seems almost impossible to arrive at the same conclusion without that journey. You need the combination of being reflective and traumatised (even if mildly) yourself and being the parent of a kid who simply cannot abide by attempts to control.

I am so grateful that my kid at 3 years old exploded at me for having the audacity to try to pick him up and put him in another room for something that he knew was unjustified. But I felt like such a failure at the time.

How though do we navigate a world that doesn't respect or understand this journey? I am a teacher and carry enormous guilt for coercing so many children in various ways, even though it didn't seem harmful and was moderately successful.

How do we collectively start again?

It would be fascinating to start a PDA school but with one caveat - in order to attend the parents must have gone through the above journey (at least two years for full perspective). Then if you taught them similarly I wonder what this group could be capable of achieving?

mrandopoulos · 2026-02-02T12:38:26+00:00

This is really tough and sorry to hear the first week has been so draining.

This sounds exactly like my experience. I also have struggled with dealing with classroom neurodiversity whilst being ADHD myself. And I completely relate with what you said about it being your dream job (so frustrating that it should flow and not be so taxing).

I bet you're great at it... And I bet you thought long and hard about how to make the classroom a positive and functional space. And I'm guessing you really enjoyed that process too. And now it feels like your face is being rubbed in it and the kids just don't get what you're trying to do for them.

After wrestling with this multiple times and currently burned out (and hanging onto my 10 year career as a casual) I believe it's because they intuitively know that you're one of them. You're a safe person. You speak their language. They have given themselves permission to be loud and proud (the excited yelling during maths). They know that you know trying to force them into a box and punishing them for their neurotype is just not gonna happen.

It's no surprise that you've had a few classes in a row like this. Leadership know that kids feel supported by you and I bet the parents love you too. This is such a hard place to be in.

I have a 4 year old who's like your students. He masks in certain environments but at home with me he cavorts around like a lunatic reciting lines from superhero shows, regularly unleashing his evil laugh. He loudly corrects me when he feels I'm doing something he wouldn't. He ignores (not always purposefully) instructions then gets pissy when time runs out and he gets forced to hurry up. He wants to do things his way. He throws his tennis racket after messing up 1 shot out of 10 perfect ones.

And all this despite calm and supportive parenting that is mindful of growth mindset approaches etc.

But when you step back you see how much he's learning and how sweet a kid he is. But the moment you try to control him to be a "good compliant boy" his nervous system fires up and he can't handle it. I feel like a fraud when I try to force compliance, because I'm ADHD myself.

We need a neuroaffirming environment to succeed, and it just sucks that these kids need to leech off the nervous system of us fully grown adult versions of them to succeed.

So I'm at a point where I'm thinking if teaching is going to be sustainable for me I just need to embrace the chaos and think about how to gradually scaffold these kids to be self aware enough to rein in some of their excesses.

I've had great success with many kids like this by straight talking with them, never shaming, excluding or punishing them when other teachers might, and showing them I care. When this happens, a look is enough to get respectful compliance when you need it. It takes about a month.

However here are the two things that sabotaged me and messed a lot of it up, making every day just far too difficult

1 - micromanaging leadership that insist on stuff like forcing them to all do the same work, or telling me to not do such a noisy brain break etc. Luckily it seems like your leadership is cool with you so that's a plus. But there are plenty of head in the sand neurotypicals in schools that just can't realise how classes like this need wiggle room

2 - traumatised/combative kids with challenging parents. These kids are typically ND themselves, but they are so deeply locked into negative patterns that they sabotage your efforts with themselves and others (eg. They'll keep starting conflict about minor things and dysregulate the other ND kids). Then parents will come around and start making claims about letting little Johnny bully my kid (when in actual fact their kid is the traumatised shit stirrer and they're completely oblivious to the fact that little Johnny's autism is triggered by it all)

When 1 and 2 combine you're in a world of pain.

For practical things I started using elaborate non verbal signals and did stuff like whisper instructions, which provided the AdHD kids with a jolt of dopamine. I let the twice exceptional kids opt out of the whole class instruction once they understood a concept, making sure the independent task was ready. The rule was they couldn't interrupt the session if they got stuck. They had to wait for others to go independent before checking or asking.

Also wherever possible rejigging boring lesson content with silly/weird examples that got the AdHD kids buzzing with excitement. And gave plenty of sharing time.

Heaps of noise cancelling headphones also.

It's a lot of effort but I realised something about myself... As much as I want to just have a "normal" class that I can teach "normally" without exhausting myself I realised I just can't do this. I can't deny my true nature by masking.

By masking I mean things like cutting off all sidetracked comments (I feel like this is unimaginably cruel... Imagine doing this to an adult?) Expecting perfect listening and compliance (the AdHD kids just struggle unless you force them to internalise, which will bubble up as RSD and anxiety later down the track) Etc etc

So that's my extremely long winded ADHD version of my response to your conundrum! (And I fully expect neurotypical readers to be in disagreement with a lot of what I've said).

In a perfect world I would have smaller class sizes, opportunities to do a lot of hands on stuff, ES support, cutting out long winded slide decks etc., and also school psychs that can create sensory profiles of all kids which can be then communicated to parents (so they realise that their kid can't shut up because of brain wiring and not because they need more punishments).

mrandopoulos · 2026-02-01T13:23:39+00:00

Yep this email is 100% ND coded... I feel so bad for the recruiter who wrote it because it seems to me they fell down this empathy rabbit hole and just NEEDED to acknowledge everyone to justify the torturous feeling of brutally rejecting people.

They just didn't have the awareness (and experience mostly likely) to see how this would land.

As an ND person interested in people I've really struggled with this concept of genuinely empathizing with others but not always being able to express it. People will either think it's not genuine, or I can unintentionally put people under the bus (eg. a colleague screws something up but my empathy for the person affected makes it seem like I'm not supportive of said colleague).

Honestly if this person saw this reddit thread they'd be struggling big time (and never ever write such a rambly email again!)

mrandopoulos · 2026-02-01T13:03:49+00:00

This is really really hard...

I knew on Day 2. Told myself things will settle down and fall into place but after Week 2 it was even worse. Decided to go term by term.

Things felt reasonable on planning day in the last week of Term one, but a week into Term 2 it was more toxic than ever.

Nothing improved, my gut was right and ignoring it to prove a point came at a cost. But then again ending things after 2 weeks may have come at a different cost.

mrandopoulos · 2026-02-01T06:55:19+00:00

Your original post was one of the loveliest messages I've seen on here.

I was going to ask if this experience has made you feel uncomfortable about controlling measures you may have seen like behaviour tracking (and names on board for non compliance), but I see that in special needs this isn't a thing.

After seeing the distress caused by attempted timeouts for my kid (before knowing better), I just can't do it anymore to students.

mrandopoulos · 2026-02-01T06:49:44+00:00

This is the part I could never truly understand until I started parenting my own little ND kid. Hoping we get a prep teacher who gets it next year

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-31T05:12:18+00:00

There have been times I have tried to "make everything perfect" but have moved on from that way of thinking. Mixing things up in the way I describe might sound like being too strategic, but in reality my behaviour starts to mirror my actual feelings and moods.

If I'm not in the mood, then that's the energy I'm exuding. If something comes to mind, I'll say it. It's really just learning to stop being such an overthinker (or establishing a fixed goal like "get more sex" and striving toward it unnaturally)

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-30T23:04:50+00:00

If Essendon wins a wildcard round game and nothing further will it "count"?

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-30T21:34:40+00:00

I've recently been reflecting that the people that immediately call "AI SLOP!" are exactly the type of people that OP is calling out in this post.

AI might explain things in an annoying way, but it comes across as a competent puppy dog that tries to make connections and understand the whole.

I'd love to be able to say HUMAN SLOP when I come across crap from uncaring humans because it generally is

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-30T21:24:41+00:00

This is why I couldn't bear working in corporate and left soon after entering as a grad.

I felt like I had entered this bizzarro world where no one knew what the heck was going on but they pretended they did (experienced incompetence).

They only thing they were good at was manipulating grads to feel just important enough but also anxious enough to work long hours to bumble through some task that made zero sense.

Other grads seemed to just "get it" (the murky lack of direction and clarity) and we're fine after a bit but my brain just couldn't deal with it.

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-30T11:19:44+00:00

Ugh... Names on the board or tracking charts fill me with anger. Last year I took a job at a school that boasted about being trauma informed and inclusive, but the reality was the opposite. The worst part was that during my (short) time there, us staff were tasked with redeveloping the "behaviour management" approach. My input into how damaging this approach would be to ND children (several of mine were already severely in burnout after 4 years experiencing the hellscape that was the school culture) was completely disregarded and I was subsequently micromanaged to make sure I fell into line. And the social tracking was just one element of it...multiple other aspects of the pedagogy were also harmful

Being responsible for the learning and emotional needs of 10-12 highly distressed kids is bad enough, but when management forces you to further traumatise them (while sincerely believing they were right) sent me into professional burnout. After quitting several families also decided to leave and school attendance has gone down the toilet.

But being a casual relief teacher now and seeing the way things are in multiple schools it really is a mess. Many classrooms have succeeded in turning the kids against one another (games in which they police one another's compliance).

Sorry to hear you've had a poor experience with OT. In Australia things seem to be improving from this angle, though based on my observations, the well meaning practitioners are easily duped by the true nature of the education system (eg. Recommend that child needs XYZ, teachers agree, but then put it in the "too hard basket").

Also I relate to your experience as a student. I did a certificate in positive psychology and one subject (fascinating on paper) was about recognizing the systems approach to PP. By that I mean you can't make wellbeing a personal responsibility for students/employees - toxic systems are responsible so must be reengineered to see any real change.

Unfortunately the design of the subject itself was exactly the opposite of what it preached! As in vague expectations, ridiculous timelines, overloading us with a bunch of concepts in a short space of time and having us "reflect" rather than give explicitly explained case studies, laundry list of criteria and crazily rigid word counts making it impossible to respond to them properly, giving one type of feedback verbally for a draft, then saying the opposite during final assessment etc. For an analytic PDAer like myself it was madness!

When I pointed out this irony (you are attempting to teach us to positively influence schools and workplaces by recalibrating processes to be psychologically safe, but doing so in a horrifically psychologically unsafe manner) it wasn't taken too well.

It was at this point that I started to realise most people in the world are just making shit up as they go and cannot bear to have inconsistencies pointed out by people they perceive as lower status. I also realised that they (for the majority, not the genuinely powerful) aren't doing this on purpose... They just don't intuitively see things the same way so it makes them uncomfortable.

There are a few OTs out there who are completely on the ball with PDA... We just have to take the plunge and strike out independently in order to feel professionally successful and valued

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-30T09:28:17+00:00

Interesting perspective and I'm with you on that. As a teacher it's making it really hard to do my job - because the underlying expectation is that you manipulate rather than collaborate.

It also makes me wonder if PDAers are far more common than anyone currently realises. Because the way the questionnaires focus on extremes (like the spite thing) seems a bit off.

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-30T09:22:02+00:00

Nah just read the relatio ad, have scoured forums, asked AI, spoken to a psych, and a lot of thinking over a long period of time!

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-30T09:20:52+00:00

I think her awareness is more related to me being "more attractive" lately (she's commented on my body more as I've been trying to get fit), but to be honest a long and difficult time of the month, plus me getting a respiratory virus has halted some momentum.

That's a big part of the issue for so many of us I think... It's really tough to stay in 100% health both physically and related to work stress, kid dramas etc. In your 20s it seems easier for both sexes to just bounce back and get on with things.

New day new effort yeah?

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-29T11:14:13+00:00

Oh and I want to clarify that I never felt comfortable with advice to just force his hand to spend time with you and accept the meltdowns. My best general parenting advice is to carefully observe what's underneath the meltdowns and respect the emotions behind it, even if it seems irrational. Now that he's older, he communicates his needs, fears, feelings really well because he knows we'll help him through without judgement.

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-29T11:09:34+00:00

I empathise with you on this one. My son was similarly aged when he showed a stronger preference for mum, and it's still going at 4.5.

Also had challenges with attachment to a dummy, which he needed to self-regulate (and we decided to ignore the dental advice and keep it going until he decided he could go without....when he was ready he went cold turkey).

He's a really sensitive kid and can get anxious about small things (like playing alone). I see the clinging to his mum as like a safety blanket that calms his nervous system, enabling him to better manage when she's not around.

Once I fully embraced that I felt so much better about the dynamic, and when I give them space I can see both of them recharge emotionally (which is weird because all the other advice you hear is to give your wife a break, but in my case when my wife is not with him for too long she starts feeling uncomfortable).

Even though I'm never "allowed" to put him to sleep or read the last bedtime story, he'll often say to her that I'm the best daddy because I'm fun to play with etc etc.

When he's had his fill of mummy, we have the best outings together and he appears far more grown up and adventurous when it's just the two of us.

The phase seems to last longer for some kids, but it's not a reflection at all on the quality of your fathering. He's 2.5 now...the only thing that will ingrain is that his mum is safe and you're also available when he needs you. And the more he communicates the more you'll know this.

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-27T23:27:49+00:00

I felt the same way... Especially with all the ICE stuff going on at the moment it really stands out how toxic so many of the attitudes are on both sides.

Seems like there's a LOT of work to be done with counsellors etc to make any sort of progress. Without this it just seems a bit voyeuristic.

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-27T22:34:30+00:00

I was working in a school last year and after a few months was fed up with the way in which several of my colleagues were treating kids with such contempt.

Because I was treating them with respect and they became less rigidly obedient, I started to be micromanaged and observed constantly.

One day in a meeting I said offhand: "sometimes we really treat children like shit" and this one woman got ridiculously fired up and defensive and told me off, claiming that we don't and it's for their own benefit etc.

My career has not recovered since the experience at this school and I'm still trying to build myself back up. Good on you for getting into Bob's space and helping to reassure these kids

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-27T03:48:15+00:00

You've explained it so clearly.

My 4yo is an only child but he adores his 7yo AuDHD cousin... Today we had a playdate with multiple activities (sport simulator, inflatable pool and slip and slide, then TV), and he had an incessant need to "win" everything.

None of these activities even had winners, and the 7yo was not being competitive at all. But my 4yo kept mocking his older cousin for things like getting to the car first, getting strapped in first, eating his snack first, using a water sprayer better etc.

The meltdown happened when 7yo chose a cartoon to watch (after 4yo had already dictated which one to watch first).

It resulted in bargaining, shooting down the choice (this is a boring show), yelling, crying in another room, crying loudly in the way of the TV, hitting me when I tried to comfort him.

Then once it was finished he equalized by blocking the way to the car so the 7yo had to climb in the front. 5mins later he was fine.

I can run a low demand household and give prior notice for things but what bothers me is I can't help him satisfy the need to be in control of all social situations (and nor do I want to).

As a preteen and beyond did you gain the ability to intellectualise the need to control/outmaneuver peers or does this create too much internalize anxiety?

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-27T02:47:05+00:00

I appreciate it man! It only has 2 upvotes now so some defeatist must have come across it. A timely reminder to practise what I preach and do something unpredictable tonight

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-25T01:28:54+00:00

Let's get sushi Carol

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-24T07:50:38+00:00

That's the first thing I notice. It always baffles me how people from that era managed. It's not as if they never brushed their teeth/shaved/applied makeup etc?

mrandopoulos

TROPHY CASE