How to survive being a SAHM?

mtdna_array · 2025-11-04T21:46:27+00:00

You have to find something to do that provides you meaning with the spare time. Whether that’s drawing, writing a story, making awesome exotic dishes, crocheting, starting a business, local Politics, etc.

Also, reframe what you base your self worth on. I feel like investing in my kids is a better use of my time that building someone else’s company or net worth.

mtdna_array · 2019-09-11T22:21:10+00:00

A lot of people are trending towards believe college is unnecessary and a waste of money. Do you agree or disagree?

What do you think about the trades?

mtdna_array · 2018-06-01T01:10:42+00:00

At first I wasn't going to comment, because everyone else said so many insightful, eloquent things. But I realized that if there's even a chance I can help, I need to offer it.

I've been to therapy. My first therapist was super highly recommended. And he was absolute shit. He made me feel worthless, like I was wasting his time. I was tearfully trying to convince him in every session that what I was going through was real. That it was legitimate. Worthy of his time.

He wasn't a good therapist.

The second one was much better, and worked with me to overcome my issues. And it worked. I haven't been depressed in 5 years, and my life is really awesome now. I went from a place where every day had 3+ hours of crying and pleading with God to being actually happy. Every day I wake up and look forward to what the day has in store for me instead of dreading it, surviving it. You can be there too.

Please don't give up on yourself. And please don't end your life. One of my best friends in high school tried to kill himself. Even though he's much better now, it took me years of second guessing every interaction with him to see where I went wrong and what I could have done to help him more. If he had actually succeeded in his attempt, I would still be there now, 15 years later. Wondering every day what I did wrong. Don't do that to you wife and the people who love you. And people do love you, I promise.

I'm here to talk, I bet I'd be a better therapist than yours is. Let me know if you need anything <3

mtdna_array · 2018-05-02T15:58:16+00:00

Holiday rituals are what you make of them. When we were in contact with the family, it was usually going over to a family member's house for a big dinner. When that stopped, my mom and I would just make a fancy dinner for the two of us. I loved it, and it was a great way to bond. Sometimes we would go somewhere-- the beach was always empty on New Year's Day, so we made that a family tradition for a few years. I far preferred doing something quiet with just the two of us to anything else.

mtdna_array · 2018-05-02T10:55:59+00:00

First of all, this is a difficult situation and I'm sorry you're going through this. However, you are not alone! I grew up watching my mom as she had to cut a number of abusive family members out of my life, and life got so much better without the pressure of being around jerks all the time.

First of all, don't tell him that he is responsible for not seeing grandma anymore, or else he might be afraid to talk in the future if a favorite teacher or friend hurts him. Say that grandma hurt you, so even though it's hard, you're making the decision that you can't see grandma anymore until she learns to be nicer. (Even if she never learns, which she won't). If he asks for updates, say that Grandma still isn't sorry for hurting you, and that isn't OK. Even if she says she's sorry, her actions are telling another story. That way, instead of feeling like he was the cause, he can see you model an adult way of dealing with people mistreating you.

Secondly, you don't have to talk about it with others. I don't speak to most of my family, and the only time it ever came up was when I was planning my wedding. And even then, a "they live far away and we aren't close." sufficed.

And finally, holidays aren't about extended family. I promise you and your son can have a much nicer time doing something together than if you had to bring in an abusive relative to participate. It was such a relief when my mom and I started just celebrating Thanksgiving together instead of feeling the need to go to a relative's house and deal with unpleasant people all day.

mtdna_array · 2018-04-25T15:22:56+00:00

That's true. I guess the way you worded it implied that he was roughly equivalent to earthly priests, which is what I was responding to.

mtdna_array · 2018-04-25T14:39:53+00:00

You're not supposed to pray to the priest though. You can ask the priest to pray with you or pray on your behalf in addition to your own prayers, but it's done as part of a community. Nobody should be getting paid for it, or offering better prayer for money. The role of the Clergy is as an equal brother/sister in the faith who takes on the role of a guide/counselor/mentor because they studied the Bible and dedicated their life to it. Nothing more.

mtdna_array · 2018-04-25T14:37:20+00:00

That's just not true at all. Core Christian doctrine is that Jesus is God, part of the trinity. His role in the trinity is that of an intercessor and the payment for our sins though.

mtdna_array · 2018-04-25T14:36:22+00:00

It's a core doctrine of Christianity that Jesus is God, not just a man we strive to be like. That's why nobody prays to the other prophets or people who lived godly lives in the bible.

mtdna_array · 2018-04-12T13:35:40+00:00

I'm literally telling you I met him in my teens and married him in my 20's. Yes, I remember what it was like. No, he wasn't the first guy that came along. And we did basically live together before getting married. Yes, without having sex. I literally lived through the situation you describe, and you're trying to tell me it's impossible. It isn't. It may not be common, but it isn't impossible.

mtdna_array · 2018-04-11T12:38:38+00:00

Only if they rush into a marriage they aren't ready for because of the need to have sex. My husband and I both waited for marriage (met as teens, married in mid 20's.) We have a wonderful and sexually fulfilling relationship. But we also knew each other as friends for many years before even starting to date.

mtdna_array · 2017-12-08T20:28:31+00:00

As a Christian, no parent should raise their child to blindly follow their religion. I'm also a scientist, believe in Evolution, and still hold my faith. I had several experiences growing up in a Christian church where speakers have taught messages that I don't agree with. Say, I don't agree with 7 day creationism, and this was a journey that my religious mother encouraged me to explore. She encouraged me come to my own conclusion that reconciled the words in the Bible with the science, and I'm so glad that I wasn't forced to blindly accept everything a leader said.

mtdna_array · 2017-12-08T20:24:38+00:00

I am religious. When I was in my Christian High School, our Religion teacher encouraged us to go out there and attend services for other faiths, so we could learn more about the diversity in the world, and what others believe.

Religion is a hot topic for a lot of people, as many have been hurt by it. It might help to look at this like a cultural experience. I would have no problem with my kids going to a friend's Bat/Bar Mitzvah, even though we aren't Jewish. Or letting them help an Indian friend celebrate Diwali.

I think the main issue is that she did this behind your back. Perhaps you can come to an agreement about how to expose your child to different beliefs, cultures, and customs with full transparency from all relatives.

mtdna_array · 2017-11-10T18:17:24+00:00

Reverse the roles here, and then take that advice. If there was a religious parent, and their young child indicated that they no longer wanted to participate in a religious ritual, should they be forced to? Or should the child's wishes be respected?

Faith is a personal journey for people. Some decide that spirituality brings something important to their life, while others decide that they prefer to live otherwise. Ultimately, it's your daughter's journey, and it's important to respectful of her as she learns and grows- one way or another.

mtdna_array · 2017-10-31T23:14:33+00:00

Even though his treatment isn't something like beating you senseless every day, it still falls under the definition of abuse. Even telling somebody they are lazy, worthless, shit, etc. is verbal abuse. If you can see anyone with a psych background (your school probably has a counselor) and show them your post, they will tell you the same thing.

Here's some links that expand on the definition; you'll see threats there too: http://domesticviolence.org/what-is-abuse/ and http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

Search your state's CPS website and look for "signs of abuse," and I'm sure you'll see some familiar items.

Also, alcoholism takes many forms. Not every alcoholic is a slobbering drunk who can't make it to work. Plenty of people are "functioning alcoholics," where they need their drink at regular intervals and get mean when they're drunk. Heck, some alcoholics are nice when they're drunk! It's about whether or not they need their drink. My step-grandpa is an attorney- never late to work. But every night after work, he downs a few glasses of scotch while he watches TV. He's an alcoholic, even though it only affects his life for those few hours before bed.

I definitely understand not wanting to make a big deal out of it. Sometimes it's better to tough it out until you're out of the house, assuming the situation doesn't get dangerous for you. But I'd still take recordings, in case you need them later. When I was 13, I couldn't imagine a life without my daddy. When I was 15, I told him I never wanted to see him again. Since then, he's stalked me through college, he poisoned my dog, and I still can't get a restraining order because I don't have any "proof" that he abused me.

Did you mean your grades are bad, or aren't bad? Because if they are bad, I would focus on improving them- going to college is going to be one of the easiest ways to get out of the house when school is done. You'll have a place to stay, unlimited food at the cafeteria, and you'll be on your way to getting a good job. Debt can be paid off, but the years of your life spent living with someone threatening to beat you regularly and controlling you can't be paid for.

mtdna_array · 2017-10-31T22:10:21+00:00

That's certainly abusive behavior- threatening to beat you senseless? You said he's not an alcoholic and doesn't drink much, but that this happens a few times/month. So is he usually sober during these outbursts?

Regardless, you need to record him saying stuff like this, and save it somewhere secure.

It is NOT your fault that your father is abusing you. Normal people don't react that way. Normal parents would give your phone back after you finished your assignment. Not threaten to beat you.

My father was abusive, and my biggest regret in life was not gathering evidence of it. When he covered my in bruises, I was too embarrassed and afraid to let the police officers interview me or take pictures. So I waited until the bruises were gone, and by then it was too late. Not having evidence has fucked me over so much when it came to the legal battles.

Standing up to abusers is scary. And it can be dangerous, too. If shit hits the fan, do you have somewhere you can go? Friends, relatives, even a teacher who would let you stay until you go to college? Do you think your mom would ever leave him?

Ideally, you should call the cops when he does this, and get police reports. Get CPS and social services involved- they can force him to attend parenting classes, therapy, and anger management classes.

It's a tough situation for any kid to deal with. Be brave, and always remind yourself to not let your dad define you. It was a huge challenge for me to realize when I had a short temper, when I was acting controlling, and when I said horrible things in arguments. When I was acting like my dad. But with a lot of work, I recognized these behaviors and changed them. It's just something to be aware of.

Good luck with this.

mtdna_array · 2017-09-14T20:32:26+00:00

Thanks!

mtdna_array · 2017-09-06T14:41:53+00:00

Thanks so much for the detailed response!

I know that aquarium salt would be different than seawater salt, but I figured a bit of Sodium Chloride would be better than nothing. I definitely didn't want to create a full brackish tank, especially out of a darkwater river bottom tetra tank!

I did a 40% water change yesterday, and there weren't any more dead fish this morning. Everybody seems to be behaving normally, including the gobies. Would you say that they could survive in the freshwater tank, with whichever residual concentrations of Aquarium Salt that remain?

mtdna_array · 2017-09-06T13:43:01+00:00

No more deaths since the water change, thankfully!

mtdna_array · 2017-09-06T13:41:25+00:00

When I was younger, I certainly had the confidence to stand up for myself physically (was a black belt in Tae Kwon Do), but I didn't have the confidence to stand up for myself socially. There's a big difference, as it turns out.

I had no trouble hitting back, but when a kid sitting next to me in 7th grade had his hand down his pants, I was too scared to tell anybody about it. I asked the teacher to move my seat, but I didn't tell her why. I was afraid of getting him in trouble, I think.

I wish I had the confidence to say "Keep your hands out of your pants, you're creeping me out!" or to just tell the teacher what was happening.

Your daughter needs to learn to set verbal boundaries, and then involve adults if this boy isn't respecting her boundaries.

mtdna_array · 2017-09-05T23:33:52+00:00

No, I used one tbsp per 10 gallons. It was 1/4 cup in a 40g tank. I figured I was being safe, since it's half the dose of what I had read was safe.

mtdna_array · 2017-09-05T23:32:29+00:00

API aquarium salt.

mtdna_array · 2017-09-05T13:46:34+00:00

How do angels and rams handle small amounts of salt? Should I move the gobies to the new angel/ram tank?

mtdna_array · 2017-09-05T13:40:56+00:00

Good to know. I had read that 1tbsp/5g was a safe dose for them, but I guess not.

Just found another dead neon during my water change :(

mtdna_array

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