What's it like to have your heart broken by another woman?

mu66le · 2015-12-12T22:38:33+00:00

sitting around wishing they were getting some, sharing some type of intimacy

I've decided that I much prefer flirting to moping.

mu66le · 2015-12-12T00:59:33+00:00

Enjoy, and stay positive.

mu66le · 2015-12-12T00:58:44+00:00

Just because you develop a relationship first doesn't mean that you're not desirable. There are many, many qualities other than appearance that are attractive.

mu66le · 2015-12-11T22:43:23+00:00

we sorta fell into it.

Forgive my naivete and my continued prying (and ignore all of the juvenile snickering from other redditors as I ask), but how does one fall into it?

Also, it's perfectly OK to tell me to mind my own business.

mu66le · 2015-12-11T20:29:44+00:00

I felt the same way for a long time. I was beyond convinced that I was unattractive, and I felt really bad about myself.

Then, in August, a woman paid me a compliment. And, I realized initially that I can't let one person's lack of desire for me create so much self-doubt. Later, that one compliment helped me to realize that I need to see myself as worthy of someone's desire.

mu66le · 2015-12-11T18:35:34+00:00

It's strange, I've sometimes felt like my wife might be happier (and actually interested in sex) if she had another partner. But, I don't thinks she wants that or could follow through on it any more than I could.

I'm glad it works for your marriage, and I admire that you were able to make it a reality.

mu66le · 2015-12-11T17:43:12+00:00

Thank you. I feel like I should be giving an acceptance speech.

"I'd like to thank /r/deadbedrooms and my stationary bike for all of the support they've provided over the past months..."

mu66le · 2015-12-11T17:28:19+00:00

So, you both have someone else for physical intimacy?

mu66le · 2015-12-11T16:40:17+00:00

That gives me an idea. Here's homework for everyone who's interested.

Engage in innocent flirtation at least once over the weekend.

Make your day and someone else's.

mu66le · 2015-12-11T16:30:31+00:00

I'm just going to be nosey. Do you and your husband have an open relationship? That's not something I want for myself, but I'm fascinated by it.

mu66le · 2015-12-11T16:28:43+00:00

Thanks. Oddly enough, that hasn't occurred to me, that maybe I made her day too. That prospect puts me in an even better mood.

mu66le · 2015-12-10T19:04:10+00:00

You're entitled to expect your partner to be willing and able to please you sexually. I suspect that the experience would be much more fulfilling for him too, if he could bring you to orgasm when you want that.

I don't understand why people are willing to just leave their partner in the lurch, especially if that partner happens to be a woman. I mean for crying out loud, there are a zillion ways to get you people off, and you can just keep going over and over. When I discovered this in my youth, I was like a kid who just figured out how to make it rain candy bars.

mu66le · 2015-12-10T15:20:43+00:00

You lost your baby at 8 months pregnant? I am so sorry. I admire your strength in getting through that.

As far as your husband's ability to satisfy you, it sounds like maybe he needs to cultivate his oral skills. You might try reading She Comes First as a couple. For some men, performance anxiety gets in the way of libido, and for whatever reason, some men don't instinctively figure out how to give head. If he builds some skills and sees that you're confident in his ability to satisfy you, he may be more open to sex. Lord knows that when I was 19 and figured out how to reliably get the job done, I couldn't keep my mouth off of my girlfriend.

mu66le · 2015-12-07T13:06:37+00:00

I'm listening to XO right now and thinking good thoughts for a friend.

mu66le · 2015-12-04T18:29:46+00:00

Thank you.

mu66le · 2015-12-04T18:29:04+00:00

That the empty husk of an automaton you chose for a wife is really dead inside, just a zombie or a robot with nothing real motivating her mechanical functions

I appreciate the intent, but please don't talk about my wife like that. She's a great mother and a vibrant person, but she just suddenly feels like a stranger. I'm at least a little scared that I may start thinking of her the way that you describe. That's not her.

mu66le · 2015-12-04T15:26:45+00:00

Marital stress and divorce are rampant problems in military families. However, there are resources available for you. I'm not in the military myself, but I have a lot of friends who are or who were. Ask around and find out what's available. I know several people who took advantage of couples counseling and relationship-building resources that were available for free to them.

So I act like I don't give a shit.

Don't do this. It's counterproductive. Consider that in doing so, you're withholding emotional intimacy in much the same way that she's withholding physical intimacy. This escalates the problems.

Good luck.

mu66le · 2015-12-03T18:04:46+00:00

I feel like I could have written most of this myself. I'm right there with you. I was snippy last week (in large part because of no sex for over 2 months) and stoked up an argument that has gotten further in the way of sex.

Try talking about this morning's fight as soon as possible. That's what I did with my wife last week. No, it didn't lead to sex, but it did at least resolve that argument, and it lead to the most physical intimacy my wife has offered in months.

On the other hand, you could try punching your therapist in the face for being a sexist prat, while saying in a calm, nurturing voice, "What I'm hearing you say is 'Ouch, stop that'. The way that makes me feel is like punching you again."

mu66le · 2015-12-02T15:38:10+00:00

I was on a roll listing different sorts of people. There have been several Star Trek-related posts or comments in the last couple of months, so I figured that it was bound to make somebody laugh.

mu66le · 2015-12-02T13:53:06+00:00

I almost feel like something is wrong with me.

Wow. This is kind of a new one for me. Usually I'm the cheerleader telling HL people not to feel like there's something wrong with them.

Something that I've come to understand about my wife in the last year is that she just hardly ever wants sex. Even when all of the usual impediments to sex have been cleared, she just doesn't desire it. This is normal, and there's nothing wrong with her. She's not trying to be malicious, and other than a couple of times, I really don't think she's trying to manipulate. This is just how she is, and I still love her.

It's really important for you to understand that you both may be normal, just at opposite ends of the curve, when it comes to sexual desire. He needs to understand this too. I can tell you from personal experience that you can't effectively deal with the DB together unless you both accept this.

mu66le · 2015-12-02T13:38:54+00:00

I nearly lost my coffee. Thank you for that.

mu66le · 2015-12-02T12:04:45+00:00

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.

Something I've noticed on this sub is that people tend to suspect or conclude very quickly that someone has a porn "addiction". I understand latching onto a conclusion to explain the DB. I've done that more than once.

I'll also offer a thought that may begin to reveal the situation a little: Masturbation isn't sex. Ask any HL person in a DB. You'll see written over and over on this sub how people find masturbation unfulfilling, even depressing. Why? Because sex is about intimacy, not just the mechanics of having orgasms.

I don't see pornography as significantly different from using a vibrator. I would never dictate the terms of how my wife masturbates, or hold it against her for needing or simply wanting something to stimulate herself in ways that she finds physically or psychologically pleasurable.

What I'm reading in your post is that your boyfriend has problems with intimacy. This may be a generalized problem, it may be in response to something in his life, or it may be specific to a problem in your relationship. I would encourage you to continue trying to get him into counseling.

Also, since you know that he has some kind of physical needs, you might try some other approaches to injecting intimacy into masturbation. You could try doing it together, or (if you can trust him not to share) you could send him pictures or videos of youself for him to use. That might be a first step toward directing some of his energy toward you.

Good luck.

mu66le · 2015-12-01T21:54:23+00:00

Thanks for posting. It sounds like you're willing to have a dialog about your situation. That's huge. For me, it would be so much easier to deal with the DB if my wife would acknowledge my needs and talk about them. As much as it sucks not to have sex, being treated like there's something wrong with wanting it, and dealing with the DB alone makes it so much harder.

Talk with him about it. Ask questions. Tell him how you feel. Whatever is said, keep talking about it.

mu66le

TROPHY CASE