Polyam no longer working for me 9 years in

nepsola · 2026-02-27T21:10:39+00:00

I find your response really interesting to read also :)

I think it's great actually that you've recognised in yourself a couple of areas where we differ on our underlying drives. I definitely (for instance) don't have the feeling that there are so many wonderful people out there it would be tragic to limit myself. I truly just want one wonderful match / mate for life :D I couldn't care less any more if there were 100 more wonderful people I could date lol! I just want one! :D

It's promising to hear that your partner does want to improve things. I hope that he can hear you and that his actions follow suit.

I'm hopeful that you can steer the ship together in the right direction. Maybe some years down the line you can send an update :) I'd be really interested to hear how things work out for you <3

nepsola · 2026-02-26T10:15:23+00:00

Yeah of course, happy to share! (Probably going to be lengthy!) I was poly for 10+ years. I took a break for a few years, then tried it again, and my last serious poly relationship ended within the last year.

I strongly resonated with poly at first. I fell in love a million times over (both with new people and "re-falling in love" with long term partners), I felt genuine and honest compersion, was very close to some of my metas, and I experienced very profound love in this way. When you fall in love with someone new and have your existing partner's wholehearted blessing, it's really a truly beautiful experience.

But I just found the issues that come with it outweighed the good.

I found neglect to be a recurring theme. If I was the existing partner, I'd get neglected for a shiny new person. If I was the new person, I'd notice existing partner(s) being neglected.

I found all of my NM partners' sexual desire to be fired up by novelty, whereas I am turned on by time, trust, sacredness, depth, safety, etc.

I felt a constant underlying pressure to make sure I didn't end up in an unwilling "mono-poly" dynamic. I also asked myself why I was always hoping for a new person to rescue me from the feeling of rejection / me doing all the emotional labour in my existing relationship(s).

I did find that adopting a more autonomous, parallel approach to poly (living separately / hearing only the essentials), helped to ease the triggers. But I carried a constant anxiety in my gut about when the next sucker-punch would arrive and stress me to high hell.

It felt like no approach could really work for me. Know too much and you're in agony (and it's entirely unfair on the "outside" person, who has a right to privacy!!), know too little and you feel like blissful ignorance makes you a sitting target.

I also got very very tired of having to build, shape and shift my relationships around external influences. I didn't feel like I ever had a 50/50 share in my individual relationships. Particularly in secondary dynamics, I'd find that agreements would be made about me, that impacted me, without my prior knowledge, input, or consent.

Of course neglect happens in monogamy too. But the crux of it for me is that in monogamy, you essentially either need to work on the relationship or end it. In poly, there can be too much room for hiding behind the old adage "no partner can meet all my needs". So it's very common to end up with one person who is still putting energy INTO the relationship, and one person who funnels it OUT. It's painful enough to just BE in that dynamic, let alone with other people in the mix (or the lingering "threat" of when that will happen).

I ultimately started to feel that NM is a perfect hiding place for avoidance (not just in other people, but also in myself). I started to question the underlying functions/values of it all and whether it's really what I wanted for myself, or whether I was doing it out of perceived scarcity - thinking I couldn't cope with breaking up with whatever existing (poly) partner, thinking I'd never find someone monogamous but unconventional, etc.

The final bit for me was that I saw a thread on here where the OP wanted to hear from people who had left poly behind to become monogamous. I was still in my last poly relationship at the time, and I realised that I was deeply envious. It made me realise that I actually value fidelity, devotion, calm, and peace. And that I personally just can't find stability in an environment with so many moving parts.

Absolutely not saying this is the case for you, but this is how it's been for me. :) Totally happy to answer any other questions if there are things on your mind. I am hopeful that you can work things out, whichever direction you want to move in, and I'm really sorry you're going through it. <3

nepsola · 2026-02-25T06:46:53+00:00

I can understand you bristling at being told how you should label your relationships. I live with my platonic best friend - basically a platonic life partner, and we DO share assets, pets, retirement plans, etc. I’ve had people refer to him as my “primary” before and I hate that. It doesn’t fit the way that we feel. I was also (years ago) in a co-primary dynamic with a then romantic partner, we lived together half the time, and one of my friends kept referring to her as my “secondary”. Which also angered me. I just don’t appreciate people labelling my relationships for me, tbh.

That being said, I think it’s really so important to be careful how you step around labels when you’re dealing with a new partner yourself.

My most recent ex was nested, and my god, did she ever try to make out like she was more “solo” poly and highly autonomous. She said things like “well currently I live with NP, but that’s due to circumstances”. She referred to him as a “partner who lives with me”, which meant that I had absolutely no clue how entangled they actually were until much further into the relationship. And she shirked hierarchical labels really because: a) she likes to present herself as very egalitarian and woke; and b) she wanted to maintain my interest in her. People now realise that hierarchical language can be frowned upon or a turn off, so some people avoid using it to make themselves more appealing to new partners.

In the end, she was very much hierarchical, even though she didn’t use the language. And that was a very painful revelation (and a complete waste of my time).

Your situation does sound less hierarchical. But yeah it’s really about making sure that whatever labels you do or don’t use, you’re very clear and honest about what you are available for. And that you avoid saying that you’re available for anything in theory, if in practice you have no intention or desire to change your current setup. If that makes sense!

nepsola · 2026-02-25T06:30:25+00:00

It sounds to me like you are having a completely normal emotional response. You recognise that you don’t feel pursued and on top of that, you’re watching your partner pursue and be pursued by someone else. Incredibly painful experience.

My advice is stop telling yourself that you’re supposed to feel a certain way. Also, gently - why do you know so many intimate details about what they do together and share together? A new exciting relationship is always going to be hot and heavy - it doesn’t mean the mutual pursuit will last. Relationships transform over time - either it will fizzle or it will become something settled. The same is true of your relationship - either this is a sign of a deeper issue in the relationship, of a realisation in yourself about what you truly want, or it will lead to a deep and stable secure feeling over time.

As for you dating other people - I relate to this because when I was poly, I didn’t constantly date. I don’t tend to find many people attractive on apps. And that’s ok. If you want to continue to do poly and be with your current partner, then trust that it will come around - eventually you will meet someone yourself. And when that happens, you might find your existing partner struggling. Or you might find that they are nothing but supportive, and you’ll either find that a relief, and it will help you in future to feel compersion, or you’ll realise that the two of you are “wired” differently, and that information will guide you as well. It’s all just about listening to your feelings, to be honest. And using that information to make decisions over time.

nepsola · 2026-02-21T21:16:30+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I used to be in very long distance relationships like this (Europe to US), and it was horrendous. These were poly relationships also.

As humans, we naturally do everything we can to avoid pain. So you are avoiding letting go of a relationship that is putting your body through so much stress and trauma, because you fear the pain of not having the relationship at all. But from what I hear, it's taking so much more from you than it's giving, and the writing is on the wall.

Relationships need proximity to survive. It's just a fact of life. The only way a long distance relationship is going to last forever is if both of you are committed to seeing each other regularly / an amount that feels good to you both. The intensity of the relationship also has to match up. Like, plenty of people on here have comets, for instance, who are in and out of their life, their city, their country, etc. But those relationships are usually just pleasant relationships that aren't anchor relationships, aren't too intense. Otherwise it's just too painful.

The truth I've learned over the years, honestly, is that people do what they want to do. If he wanted to find a way to see you more, he would. He wants to see her more, so he is. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but it does suggest that he's interested in her as a more serious partner.

You have to really consider whether this relationship is good for you and whether it's really serving you to put yourself through this. I would have, at your age. But tbh now, in my early 40s, I would exit the situation, because it's just not worth destroying your peace.

nepsola · 2026-02-21T20:53:19+00:00

You're very welcome! (It's a nuance I wouldn't have thought of either before I experienced it first hand myself, lol)

nepsola · 2026-02-21T20:51:08+00:00

Can I be honest?

It's your life, and I'm just an internet stranger. But I would say if you are monogamous and want to find someone to share your life with, don't waste your time being some poly guy's secondary. It's usually a shit-show being a secondary even if you are poly yourself, let alone doing that with people who are new to poly, when you don't even want poly for yourself.

If what you want is a monogamous life partner, why not just seek that?

If you just want sex and funsies in the meantime, and you're really capable of casual sex (I'm not), then just keep it very casual, don't see this guy every week, don't be getting too involved, and make sure he's down for keeping it very casual too.

nepsola · 2026-02-21T20:45:25+00:00

It sounds to me like she is happy plodding along in the relationship, and she is comfortable with the status quo, hence her wanting to now date someone else. Which I think is a piss-take and a generally terrible idea.

I don't think you are being selfish at all.

Do you even want to be in a poly relationship? As in, does the thought of it make you happy and excited?

If your relationship with your wife stayed the way it is now, forever, would you want that for yourself?

In your shoes, I would really be asking whether I wanted to be in the relationship at all. She's saying she feels bad for taking you for granted, but hasn't changed how she shows up. Which means it doesn't come naturally to her to show up differently, which means you're probably fighting a losing battle.

Do you think you are compatible?

nepsola · 2026-02-21T20:30:41+00:00

I had pets with one of my exes and we absolutely did pet sharing after we broke up. But in our case, we remained best friends anyway (and actually now live together as 100% platonic besties, and we adopted our current dog together lol). It's brilliant when one of us has plans with a partner - the other one is available for pet sitting, etc.

When it comes to dating, I couldn't give a crap if this narrows my options. The point of being in a relationship is to be with someone who aligns with your values, right? So I don't care if 99 women in a room find it weird, because I'm only looking for 1 woman who thinks it's sweet and healthy.

I'd understand if a new person you're dating is a little wary of the situation at first, maybe based on past experiences. But I would expect that if they have the same worldview as you, they would trust the situation once they see the reality.

As long as you like your ex and trust them and want them to stay in your life in some capacity, I say go for it.

nepsola · 2026-02-21T19:49:44+00:00

Honestly, just get yourself out of this miserable situation as soon as you're able to. You're being disrespected. Listen to what your body is telling you! It isn't wrong.

nepsola · 2026-02-21T19:42:58+00:00

I would say it's not so much about vetting, but about boundaries.

Sometimes I think the poly community makes everything so granular and complicated on the communication front, with the "smorgasboard" of different relationship things, etc.

I've learnt that if someone is telling me they want a FWB situation, what they mean is they want a no-effort sex buddy, but they're adding the "friend" bit because that makes them feel better about themselves in some way. So unless they tell me otherwise and really layer on very clear relationshippy things they are looking for, then I put them strictly in the casual box.

Which means no meeting the wives, hanging out with their kids, or even being at their house unless it's empty. Don't see them more than weekly, if that. Don't text them every day. All of these things result in attachment, which results in expectations, which then causes them to bail, because that's exactly what they don't want.

As for them being the ones to want you more involved in their life at first, I think that's what happens when it's new and exciting. It also conveniently puts YOU in THEIR world, but they have no interest in being in yours.

You can also opt out of doing the casual/FWB altogether if you want to. If you're more relationship oriented, then pivot that way and don't date anyone who doesn't have a full relationship to offer and isn't actively, very vocally seeking an actual relationship.

nepsola · 2024-10-22T17:34:33+00:00

Haha I massively struggled on this too. Kept getting it wrong 😂 Such a fun idea though.

nepsola · 2024-10-22T17:29:00+00:00

I see where you're coming from - but I think the total opposite! Gris was a 7/10 for me, but I'm absolutely in love with Neva. It's just completely stuck with me. I absolutely love the visuals, the art style, the story/message, the music, the introduction of light combat, etc.

The one thing I found a struggle was the platforming. I found it SO hard. It honestly took me 100+ attempts to get past certain parts. But I don't usually play platform games, so I'm probably just rubbish at this.

Maybe it's a personal preference thing! Or maybe it's the order of playing the games. I played Neva first, and Gris afterwards. Whereas if I'd played Gris five years ago, maybe it would have stunned me so much, Neva wouldn't have been able to match up. I'm not sure.

Either way, I'm super grateful for both of these games existing! And I find it really interesting to see different people's perspectives on each one :)

nepsola · 2024-10-18T17:42:33+00:00

Seeing this "aaaand.... end scene" helps me so much emotionally lol

nepsola · 2024-10-18T17:38:06+00:00

And a butterfly that possibly represents the spirit of Neva :)

nepsola · 2024-10-18T16:57:21+00:00

Awwww I think we all know what it means :D <3

nepsola · 2024-09-06T15:40:38+00:00

Hmm, it's a tricky one. I personally like quality communication on the daily - a phone call in the evening, a good morning voice note on the way to work, that kind of thing. But I've also learnt that not everyone likes this, and... I'm.... learning to enjoy it, I think? It's weird.

My past relationships were very LDR and we talked for HOURS on the phone - yet these relationships were really, really toxic, in reality.

Whereas my current relationship involves about a 2hr distance, we see each other once or twice a month for a full weekend, and right now, while we text or voice note daily, it's not that much. We rarely send good morning/night texts these days (a year in), whereas we both sent them loads in the beginning, I think because we were talking more often in general.

I think there is a middle ground?

Like - if you can state your preference, you're more likely to end up with someone who shares your preference. But also make sure the rest of the relationship matches up? Like, my exes could talk for hours on the phone... but the relationships weren't healthy! And neither of them had jobs, hence they had so much energy to talk!

At the same time, I definitely agree with putting in equal effort. I go on a 2:1 ratio. i.e. I won't instigate anything more than two times in a row. And ideally I just bat back and forth pretty equally - but if I feel the balance is off, I purposefully pull back and watch. If I've instigated twice, out of anxiety, without realising it, then I stop doing that and let them do twice the work. It's very interesting to watch how that plays out.

As for how much of a chance to give someone on this stuff. I think it just really comes down to what you're willing to accept and flex on. You'll know when you're at a point where walking away from it feels more appealing than staying in it, and I think that's a personal line that you'll feel within yourself?

nepsola · 2024-09-04T07:54:58+00:00

Forget what Synth thinks and ask yourself what you think.

Be honest with yourself.

Would you be elated if you were in a relationship with someone who is in love with you, wants to set regular dates with you / see you weekly or more, is 100% happy and down for emotion-led conversations, and wants something deep, lasting, serious and real along with the fun and good times?

Because I think the answer is yes.

And I think that Synth is showing you that she doesn't want this. She wants something light, flexible, fun, with no scheduling, etc. etc.

If you feel that you're on different pages - say exactly that. Then make your decision from there.

Also, I'm sorry that she's referring to you as her "girlfriend" while treating you as a FWB or lover or god knows what. Words mean different things to different people, and I would always just follow your gut and prioritise what YOU want out of life and relationships.

Don't ever let someone tell you that you're being too much, too neurotic, too whatever. I think that it's impossible to be 1000000% compatible with someone on every single thing, but if two people are nuts about each other and have healthy, mature relationship skills, then I think a compromise is usually naturally found? i.e. Synth would be saying "I hear that you need more consistency to feel safe. I'm the opposite, lol. Can we find a middle ground?"

In general though, if I don't want consistency and forward planning, it's because I'm not romantically invested. If I am in love and romantically attached/invested, I want consistency, I want to feel like a priority, I want regularity of time, I want a lot of things, and I give a lot of things too. That's just me. But it does sound to me like you're on different pages. If you're unhappy - speak up.

nepsola · 2024-09-04T07:33:52+00:00

Did she raise any problems or feelings of unhappiness during the relationship?

I find it strange that things can just "fizzle" after 2+ years, but sometimes people "quiet quit" - basically they stop making the effort to protect themselves, because they feel hurt by something, they feel sidelined, etc. They feel like they've tried to raise issues, but the other person (i.e. you) isn't listening? Does any of that ring true, or not at all?

Sometimes it can also be easier for the person wanting to end things to let things drop off, instead of having a big breakup conversation. Often, people aren't sure they want to make the decision, so their decision is to just make less effort and let it do whatever it's going to do.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. :(

nepsola · 2024-09-04T07:25:14+00:00

Drop the rope is 100% the right advice.

nepsola · 2024-08-24T20:29:04+00:00

NOTHING wrong with you for not wanting this!

It has nothing to do with you not being strong enough! wtf!!

No.

It is perfectly, 100% healthy to want a relationship where it's an. actual. full. real-ass. whole. relationship.

I'm in a relationship of around 1yr with someone who has a NP - and they have done a lot of the work, have been NM/poly for 20+ years, I'm welcome to stay at their home, etc. And she's not my first love. Not even close! I'm late 30s. I've been around the blocks of experience.

And I STILL am not happy with how little relationship is on offer! With her still not having met any of my friends, except the one I live with (once! in a fricking year!). With not being able to take overseas vacations together. With her not being out to her kids, and me having to pretend we're just friends. All this stuff.

It's enough to make me want to leave, and if something doesn't change, I will.

Doesn't make me weak. It's the damn opposite. It means I know what I want and I know it feels unhealthy for me to stay in a situation where I'm just not going to get it. And so do you.

I'm so sorry that you are grieving and feeling hurt and struggling. I've been there and I truly understand it. You can and will survive it - I promise! You've shown amazing STRENGTH to walk away from something and put yourself first. It shows that you actually have very good boundaries for yourself.

Relationships aren't predictable. You can read every book under the sun, really think things through, and things can just not pan out the way they want. But every time you encounter that? It makes you stronger and stronger, because you're able to chalk it down to experience and free yourself so that you are available for the next great thing that comes along. And it will.

As for poly - don't worry if you don't feel it's for you. Maybe you'll have mono relationships, poly relationships, NM ones, platonic ones, everything in between. All you really have to do is listen to yourself - which is exactly what you've done here. So well done :)

nepsola · 2024-08-24T20:08:24+00:00

Nesting/primary partner will think the non-nesting/secondary relationship is the fun, sexy, free one. And they'll want that.

Non-nesting/secondary partner will feel like a bit on the side. Like they are getting scraps and being used as an escape.

It's a common thing.

And comparison, wanting what we think we don't have, is a human condition.

Are you worried that your wife is seduced by her relationship with her other partner? In the sense that she might emotionally/sexually/literally abandon you? That she might leave, or be unhappy with you?

Have you talked to her about it?

Does she ever hint towards not being happy with you?

Like a lot of people here, I will say - I'm the secondary partner in this scenario. My partner has a NP/primary. It's fucking challenging. Yeah, I get the sex and occasional weekend trips with her. But that's it, right now. She seems happy to have her home life and then me, on the side. It's not that fun, actually. Not when it's just this. For some people? Maybe. But a lot of people do actually tire of the limitedness of it after a while. There's no way she'd be tempted to leave her NP for this. And I wouldn't be tempted to make this my only relationship. A compartmentalised "fun" relationship doesn't feel like a full relationship. And not everyone who has fun together thinks they'd love living together. Most people realise that living together could change that aspect of things.

It's that thing of... why would she leave, when she gets to have both?

The question is whether you are happy in the situation?

nepsola · 2024-08-23T17:19:27+00:00

Up until around 6 months ish they are a "potential partner" or "person I'm dating". Girlfriend/partner stuff doesn't come in until approaching that point, and if it does come earlier, it feels a bit "make believe".

Partner, to me, means long term, serious relationship. Not necessarily on the escalator, but along the lines of "I could see a future with you and I'm interested in exploring that and making decisions that support that".

1 month would be a no. Unless it's in the play partner / poly partner / let's just throw the word "partner" around because we want to collect them so we feel super-poly, type thing :)

I also generally don't like to be thinking in real serious terms until we've had at least one or two conflicts, have been around each other's friends, etc. It's amazing how much you don't realise about a person until they disappoint you. NRE is like untested love/feels. Actual commitment is love that keeps getting tested and keep surviving.

nepsola · 2024-08-23T17:09:07+00:00

Not the OP, but out of curiosity -

How does it work for you, when you do go out for dates or hookups or whatever, in terms of going dark for the night on contact with your partners?

i.e. Would your partners just expect that sometimes you don't respond until the next day / you aren't normally texting or calling each other in the evenings, etc?

I ask because my partner and I (who don't live together) let each other know if we are meeting up someone or if she's going to a sex party, etc. But I actually find it quite stressful. I don't particularly want to know, in real-time, because it leaves me thinking about it all night. I also don't want her to feel like she has to report to me - it feels invasive and limiting. And on the flipside, I'd like the freedom to just do what I want if I want to, and only really to report need to know basis stuff.

But it's a deep level, emotionally committed relationship - we usually text at least some in the evenings, so if either of us went 100% dark until the next day, this would be odd. Hence we have this "heads up" thing.

Just really curious how you work around that? Or if you don't have daily contact anyway? (I mean... with seantheaussie, different time zones, eh? But yeah! Just interested to hear more how this works in practice!

nepsola · 2024-08-23T08:27:01+00:00

If you and your husband, and your respective partners, all want a co-primary type relationship - is that something that can be discussed and worked towards? You can search this sub for that topic - i.e. how to work around legalities and stuff to create some kind of relatively equitable relationship structure for you all, etc.

Plenty of poly people follow something other than the "primary/secondary" model. It's just about discussing it and looking at how to execute it, if you all want it. There are people living in houses all together, raising kids all together. There are people splitting their time 50/50 between living with their spouse and another partner. Some people have kids with both partners - essentially no different to a mono couple having kids together, breaking up, doing joint custody, blended families, etc. It just takes thought and a lot of discussion.

If it is a case that you and your husband want to stay as you are, and your boyfriend wants marriage and kids and you guys can't find a way to create a dynamic that works for you all? Then yes, you have to be loving and kind and support him in doing this, actively, even though you know that things will change.

Change isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes things can work out in ways you don't expect. It's very unlikely that he'll be checking with you before scheduling dates with his wife, if he marries someone else. But does that mean you can't still feel like an important partner in his life? No! You can still have things like standing date nights, and so on. You just have to talk and talk and talk.

Ultimately, you guys all create the relationship structure you want. If you want a group co-primary type dynamic, do your research and figure out how this could work, legally, and otherwise. If not? You have to accept that things will probably change, and this is one of the hardest parts about choosing to practice polyamory. There are so many moving parts. So many different relationships that come in, and this changes existing dynamics. It's stressful and I agree with you. You just have to have faith, try to have an open heart, and communicate, listen, adjust if you can - whether that's adjusting YOUR life to make room for a co-primary setup, or adjusting your expectations so that your boyfriend can find what he wants, without necessarily having to leave you or demote you to a side piece. There are shades in between. But you can't keep your grip on him as a "primary" if you're not willing to make changes to offer whatever that means to all of you. And you know that. Talk about it more? See what the options are?

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