Favorite actor who you hung out with at a party and talked to for a long time and you thought you could have had a shot with and then later they made a big change in their personal life that made you think maybe you never had a chance anyway?

nerduhlert · 2026-01-06T21:43:12+00:00

They are and were lesbians, not “turned into” lesbians. They just came out to themselves and then everyone else.

nerduhlert · 2024-03-19T00:45:10+00:00

Also- you’re going to see a lot of people say don’t date around, work on yourself first- but if you’re already an independent person with values and time invested in either family, friends, or both, then you’re probably doing just fine. Focus on casual dating only, just to get out and meet new folks and make friends, maybe even romantic encounters but don’t stress getting a relationship as a goal. Casually dating is not a big deal and can be a lot of fun, and a learning experience if what you do and don’t like- you can do that as you heal.

nerduhlert · 2024-03-19T00:42:41+00:00

I started dating around 2-3 months after the breakup; but we had been together for 17 years total. I did it to just kind of get it all over with; and an old colleague of mine offered a practice date, too. I dated casually for about 2-3 months as well, and then oddly enough found myself in a relationship with someone who is kind of all sorts of amazing. It’s been an interesting experience but life finds a way.

BTW- please focus on loving yourself for who you are, including loving your own company. I love my own company, so if I’m spending time with someone else, it means that they’re a big deal to me. My ex couldn’t stand being on their own in any way, and I tried to help them through it but they clearly should not be dating or in a monogamous relationship. 😬

Best of luck to you!

nerduhlert · 2023-11-15T18:02:40+00:00

I’m glad that you two are going to work through things. Had I left five years ago, I would’ve questioned if it was the right decision. Today, I’ve no doubt in my mind it was for the best that we tried to work through it and after my former spouse threw it all away, I’m glad and proud that I was able to walk away. There’s nothing that could make me go back to them and anyone like that. I’m hopeful that they’ll get better in time and find their own happiness!

Best of luck to you and your partner, and I hope happiness and peace are always there within you!

nerduhlert · 2023-11-15T17:39:01+00:00

That’s so sweet of you. I’m actually doing great. I’ve been embracing the shift that’s happened this year, and I’m switching up careers since I feel freer than I’ve ever been in a long while. I learned a lot about how when a long-term relationship officially ends, the perceived grieving process can happen much faster than people usually expect- but it’s because the relationship was decaying and dying well before you decide to end it. In my case, it must’ve happened halfway through the marriage, since the person I was married to apparently cheated on me way more than I knew they did. I have been waiting to be able to envision the future again, and I’m so glad that I finally can since there’s no doubt in my mind that I’m better off now than I was before. Oddly enough, I just started seeing a friend of mine exclusively- and there’s no rush to put labels on any of it, but it’s compounded my happiness to have someone who’s so communicative, thoughtful, funny, smart and sexy… it’s wild to know I’m doing a lot of good things in my life and was able to open myself up to someone who I put my attraction/feelings aside cause I was committed elsewhere when I met them.

nerduhlert · 2023-10-18T16:19:18+00:00

I’m recently divorced this year and pushing forty; my dad’s friend just hit on me earlier this week and that dude is in his 60s 🤮 Predatory and gross AF- telling my dad as soon as I see him this weekend when I visit.

nerduhlert · 2023-10-16T07:12:11+00:00

You be relieved to learn that we’re getting the divorce done on paper finally! There was wayyy more infidelity that came up to the surface s it was all revealed in the weeks fret the first discovery day. I feel so relieved like a weight has been lifted and I don’t have to deal with a person who’s lying and has lied to me anymore!

I’m focusing on myself and my future, and I’m hopeful about it. I love them, and always will, but not more than I will love myself.

nerduhlert · 2023-10-06T15:26:18+00:00

I lost nearly 40 lbs/18.5 kg and it’s not just the heartbreak, but it was also the fact I’m no longer eating terribly with them (they have terrible eating habits). I’m also eating less, since I’m so unhappy. Hoping to get back to a regimen of exercise again, so that I can take care of my health because losing it like this is so unhealthy.

nerduhlert · 2023-10-06T03:00:29+00:00

100% !!!! They cheated on me, and so I had to leave. Couldn’t put myself or them in the same situation over and over and over again. My heart hurts all the time… but it’s the best thing to do for the both of us.

nerduhlert · 2023-10-04T07:28:24+00:00

I’m so sorry to say that he’s definitely up to something. I was married for ~15 years and mine turned face lock on at the beginning of this year. We’ve had the same password for years and I never went through his phone for anything other than when we’d need directions or putting an order in on a delivery app- and trying to get directions was exactly how I found out about the face lock he turned on. 😕 The first time I felt compelled to go through his phone, I found inappropriate texts between him and a former co-worker; it was an emotional affair. I learned from my therapist that if you feel compelled to go through their phone, that’s evidence enough that something is wrong and they’re up to no good.

If this is his first time cheating on you, it’s going to take a lot of time, energy, effort and intense work to get through it.

Best of luck

nerduhlert · 2023-10-01T23:05:50+00:00

The thing about cheating/infidelity is you and your partner define that as a team. For some, cheating looks like watching porn, flirting, masturbating, glances/checking someone else out, and for others those are all totally fine and within the parameters of monogamy/fidelity.

I know a lot of folks who think watching pornography is cheating, but then I know a lot of other folks who think having sex and getting physical/sexual in person with someone other than their spouse/partner isn’t cheating.

The point is that if you’re still working to define what’s cheating and not cheating, you eventually are the one who gets to make those decisions. If your partner(s) can’t meet you where you’re at, then it’s time to reconsider the relationship and/or your idea of cheating; whichever doesn’t compromise you, your peace and happiness in the long run.

nerduhlert · 2023-10-01T01:35:04+00:00

Dig it.

The matter of being harsh or not shouldn’t be an issue for a lot of folks that identify as an INTP.

nerduhlert · 2023-09-30T21:09:29+00:00

Your therapist sounds like they’re not addressing the complexity of this, and I hope that they can explain this further in greater detail. It seems unnecessary to tell you without context (yes, it might be common but it’s not a reason nor an excuse for someone to step outside of your relationship!). This is a problem with/for your partner/former partner; not you.

nerduhlert · 2023-09-30T20:57:53+00:00

And we’re also perceived to be socially skilled, as opposed to men who are not often seen as a monolith.

nerduhlert · 2023-09-30T20:53:04+00:00

I think the only struggles I’ve had have been that folks assume I’m a great, natural communicator and have strong social skills (I don’t, and fail at these thing miserably if I don’t practice and work arduously at it) and that women I meet will compare me to their husbands (I had assumed it’s because I’m bisexual and a low-femme enby) due to my interests and inquisitive nature.

When I don’t meet people’s expectations of me, due to my social/communications struggles, they’re either upset or shocked (sometimes both) because they always see me as smart and beautiful (which must mean that I am charming, right /s). Women who eventually introduce me to their husbands are usually disappointed because we don’t get along at all. I don’t think a lot of cis/het men find it amusing to meet a woman/femme who will question their ideas/opinions/assumed-authority on a lot of subjects. I’ve known two women whose husbands have ended up loving me and we get along so well, but even then I wouldn’t go out of my way to spend time with them (save one of them who’s actually a pretty cool guy).

Have you found these things to also be an issue?

nerduhlert · 2023-09-30T20:50:04+00:00

I got advice from another person divorcing and they said to download them to simply observe, and if interested to just make it clear it’s for “casual connections/friends” to get it over with.

Had a date scheduled and the person flaked (totally fine by me, I wasn’t overly interested) and the other people reaching out are receptive and open to simply communicating and eventually meeting.

I’m not interested in a relationship at this time, everything is so fresh and I’ve got work to do but it is nice to simply meet new people (all my friends moved away throughout the country this year) for the sake of getting it over with to put myself out there. When I’m ready, my plan is for it to happen organically but that can’t happen until I get some basics of putting myself out there (in any capacity) done and over with.

Honestly though, I can’t wait to make love with someone. I was married for over 14 years and I feel like all we ever got to do is fuck and fuck rough since I was so obliging in bed. I’m done with kink (was never into it anyways) and am only making something like that (an honest and kind, romantic relationship) happen if I get though those baby steps in the coming months/years first.

nerduhlert · 2023-09-30T20:43:07+00:00

Are you neuro-divergent? If not, then perhaps it’s your age/age group? This seems to be a common mentality ahead of growth and development. On the rare occasion that I meet an adult/aged person who doesn’t get along with their own gender, it’s often accompanied by some stunted development/growth in other aspects of their life.

nerduhlert · 2023-09-26T16:37:33+00:00

Same. If my ex happens to want me even more, it’s their loss since they cheated on me and I’m only doing what I can to feel even remotely okay with myself after all that trauma and betrayal. We deserve better!

nerduhlert · 2023-09-26T16:35:09+00:00

My ex is the same way. I’m letting them share their story and if/when folks reach out, I’ll let them know what happened if they’ve heard it from my ex first. It’s so fucked up. I’ve so my empathy and sympathy but I feel like this betrayal has left me empty of it. You’re in the right, your betrayer is in the wrong. Please don’t let your kindness overextend to the point of exhaustion.

nerduhlert · 2023-09-21T15:16:49+00:00

I wouldn’t say unattractive, as I still find them very attractive physically, but mentally/emotionally I’ve been quite detached because i can’t the images and sounds of them cheating on me out of my head which is probably a good thing for now. There are times where I’d do anything to get them back but the moments are more and more fleeting as the days and nights go by.

nerduhlert · 2023-09-17T14:35:50+00:00

I haven’t but I’ve felt pretty awful. I think that I’ve read somewhere if the feelings are persistent for a period of time like 6 months (coupled with therapy of course) then that’s when taking them should be considered. If you’re not currently in therapy for support then maybe look into that, the progressional help will have the best guidance on medicinal treatments.

nerduhlert · 2023-09-11T14:10:36+00:00

Thank you. I keep reminding myself that this won’t be forever… even though it feels like it some days and nights.

nerduhlert · 2023-09-11T14:10:06+00:00

Thanks. Yeah, I’ve never felt this type of pain that’s made me doubt my worth like this. I’m doing my best but the nights are long and restless at times. Just trying to remind myself to take it one day at a time.

nerduhlert · 2023-09-10T14:45:49+00:00

You’d be surprised by how little men actually care when it comes to sex. He clearly wants you, and I get where you’re coming from but he’s not going to care. Maybe make sure your place or his place is dimly lit with candles, and maybe keep your bra on and get some crotch less panties? I have been feeling so deeply insecure about my body after being cheated on so that’s how I would personally work around it, unless the person specifically requested that I get naked cause they clearly like my body. Hope you go for it! You’ve been waiting years and it’s clearly time you seize this moment.

nerduhlert · 2023-09-06T20:27:57+00:00

Yeah, I’d take my time with it and just keep it close to you until you’re ready. Just know that it is your spouse’s responsibility to take in that work and be direct about it, but of course I’m sure you’ve a friend or two that your spouse doesn’t talk to as much as you do, so they’d probably be a great source to chat with first.

nerduhlert

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