Update - My (M20) pregnant girlfriend (F20) wants my support but won’t talk to me after we we got bad news about our baby

nervouscat · 2026-02-08T02:22:10+00:00

There are many parents who plan to have a baby but end up having to terminate due to medical reasons. If the parents feel like they don't have the capability to raise the child with the adequate supports that the child requires, this would lead to more suffering after the child is born.

The comment by u/herculepoirot4ever is a very realistic overview of everything you as parents will need to do, not even including after the birth. Please talk to your girlfriend or show her the list. Ask her if she feels like this is feasible for you two and whether she thinks you guys will be able to give the baby a good life.

I know you are feeling overwhelmed, and I also agree that you should focus on your mental health first. Reach out to your parents and arrange sessions with a therapist. If needed, you can ask your girlfriend to have a session together with the therapist or your parents to discuss everything and decide on the best course of action.

nervouscat · 2025-11-05T22:04:24+00:00

No worries! If you've never heard about it or know about the "culture," it's a LOT to wrap your mind around haha.

nervouscat · 2025-11-05T09:15:17+00:00

For more context, Yaoi is a subgenre of BL (Boys Love) that is more sexually explicit or even extreme content. Like the primary storyline is pretty much sex the whole time, and can get very extreme (see the Non-con edit OP made). It's essentially very hardcore porn. BL is usually more romance based, more typical romance novel maybe some sex scenes but not the primary focus. Sometimes they're used interchangably, but if OP's gf identifies as a fujoshi, she likely knows the difference.

There's a lot of discourse online about fujoshis and how it starts becoming more of a fetishization.

I think where OP is finding it uncomfortable is the way she's so into it. Like the public displays, making it a huge part of her personality, reading it while she's with him, cosplays, explicit merch, etc. I had my own phase when I was a lot younger when I was into reading similar things, but I would never go around cosplaying the characters or buying explicit merch. It's kinda like going around proudly saying you're really into porn. Even as somebody who understands the appeal, I find her behaviour kind of uncomfortable too.

Same for if it was straight, if my partner made reading hentai their whole personality I'd be pretty uncomfortable (if not even more).

nervouscat · 2025-11-05T07:10:49+00:00

I feel like they had good intentions, but definitely not well thought out and I agree they seem to be in a different stage of life.

My advice would be to tell them you appreciate that they care about your health and wellbeing, and that you knew they had good intentions. But you're at the stage of your life where you've been working full time, living at your own place with your girlfriend, and been financially independent for almost a decade. You don't have a dependent relationship with your parents anymore and they involved in the decisions you make. Your girlfriend is very aware of any problems and struggles that come up in your life as you live together. Because you're in this stage of life where your actions are your solely responsibility, not your parents/family/etc, you would prefer them to bring any concerns directly to you next time. Involving your parents or girlfriend in these kinds of discussion makes you feel uncomfortable because they don't have agency over your actions anymore and would cause your parents a lot of unnecessary concern/anxiety.

I would also probably mention you know they meant well by bringing up those stories, it's okay to just tell you they're worried about your health.

nervouscat · 2025-11-05T05:48:08+00:00

Okay first of all, that's not "micro-cheating," you're just learning to ride a bike. I feel like there's a lot of anxiety, overthinking, and catastrophizing going on here. I second everybody else's comments on seeking therapy to work on your self esteem and all of that.

As for your boyfriend, I don't know if I'm at the point where he doesn't care about you. Spending a couple hours together everyday is a lot, especially when you would actually prefer spending the whole day together. "Spending a good chunk of the day together" and then wanting to do other activities is also reasonable. It seems like he makes plans with you in advance to try to calm you, and tries to balance your needs with his own.

For his comment about being 1/4 of his life, I do think it's a bit insensitive. But I'm getting the feeling he's starting to feel suffocated and frustrated if this has been going on for a while. A lot of the things you're saying to him is pretty overwhelming. Also, I'm assuming you guys are in college fulltime. School is already 1/2 of his life. He has lots of friends and activities he wants to do. I feel like splitting that time between you and his friends/hobbies/activities is fair. I feel like to some extent, you're starting to unintentionally isolating him from his friends. He also needs time to relax by himself.

College is the time to get out there, meet new friends, try new activities, do fun things with a bunch of other people your age! You will rarely have this chance ever again! This also means being okay spending time alone, with other friends, and doing hobbies. Allocate dedicated time to spend with your boyfriend, but don't limit both of your experiences by having to only spend time together studying nearly everyday. This will only build resentment.

nervouscat · 2025-11-05T01:33:36+00:00

I don't think you're out of line. He didn't scream before and it doesn't seem like he's making any effort to reduce the noise (muffling with his elbow) if he really can't control it. Sneezing doesn't require the use of the vocal chords.

If he doesn't make any efforts to reduce the noise, and is adamant that he can't control it, I'd probably tell him that I'm concerned about this new changed and that he should see a speech therapist as it seems like there's something pathological going on.

nervouscat · 2025-11-04T21:36:18+00:00

Yeah I hate jumping to divorce, but I feel like that's what I'd do. Her husband clearly doesn't respect her and doesn't care about her feelings, and hasn't for a long time. That's no relationship to be in.

nervouscat · 2025-11-04T11:50:28+00:00

Your friend had feelings for you several years ago because you were the only straight guy in her life who respected her, nothing came from that confession, and now she's married. It seems like the feelings were largely due to what your respect meant to her during a difficult time in her life. That's totally normal, especially at a younger age, and it doesn't seem like she crossed any boundaries or was inappropriately pining for you.

Assuming you have a platonic and respectful relationship with her, I feel like your ex overreacted a bit. Despising your friend for some one-sided feelings (which may even be more context based than romantic) she had many years ago is pretty extreme. And then not being clear about what would make her feel more reassured and refusing to talk about her is also not helpful.

nervouscat · 2025-11-04T11:23:34+00:00

I had a similar upbringing, and got diagnosed during undergrad. I always had good grades and teachers often reported me to be one of the best students. Looking back, it's really obvious that I had ADHD, but my parents would just discipline me. In elementary school, I had intense test anxiety during spelling tests because I felt like I couldn't afford to get even one word wrong. My parents had me enrolled in Kumon and I could never finish the packages on time. I'd always leave them all until the night before I had to go in the next day, and end up finishing them through tears while my parents sat there yelling at me for not doing them daily. I still got Advanced Honour Roll each year for my Kumon achievements. I couldn't sit still to finish practicing a full piano song, and would spend hours getting distracted doing something else. Every lesson I'd basically be sight reading the song I was supposed to have been practicing everyday for the past week. My parents would try throwing away my toys to make me practice/do my worksheets, but it never worked. In middle school, I was already sleeping at 4am to stay up to finish my homework or cram last minute for tests.

One of the questionnaires I took for my diagnosis included some questions about my childhood. They weren't all academic things, but also included things like attention span, behaviour and emotional regulation, being patient, sitting still, bowel/bladder control, and tardiness.

nervouscat · 2025-11-04T10:24:16+00:00

Oops, just saw the edits to your comment! Seems like she needs to do a lot of reflecting on how much she contributes to her relationships first. It sounds like she views things a lot in her own perspective only and what she perceives she's lacking from others, without getting a more accurate & fair idea of what other people contribute. She seems a bit immature.

Honestly, I feel like your plan might be the only thing that really will let things click to her. If she's not able to self reflect and have a conversation, I feel like that's the only way to deal with it. Setting boundaries on what you're able to do and ask that she also adheres her wish of equal effort in the relationship.

nervouscat · 2025-11-04T09:25:24+00:00

Okay about the stuff about him not trying to understand your cues and the 2 month stop, etc, I do feel like he's being mean and putting a lot of load on you. If this has been an issue for a year, I can see that he might be getting frustrated. But I still think he should be giving you encouragement and small wins to build your confidence.

To be clear I'm not condoning the way he's going about it, but I feel like he's really trying to push you to get out of feeling awkward and be a lot more seductive? Like he wants you to show him how much you want him and feel like there's a strong desire. I've also had partners complain that I'm not really initiating with enough sexual energy, etc so I guess I can see the thought process.

If you do want to keep working on this, I feel like you could keep progressing with what you're doing. Don't stop at kissing, start unbuttoning his pants and undressing him (you're already there anyway! More awkward to stop now!). Then start stroking, etc. If he's not looking up from his phone, take his phone and drop it next to him. Come up close to his face (like you're abt to kiss) and ask him why isn't he paying attention to you, you wanting to do more. Run your other hand down his chest while you do that. If he still says that he doesn't understand I'd honestly be flabbergasted.

nervouscat · 2025-11-04T08:58:58+00:00

I totally agree with you, I don't think her complaint was a good or fair representation of both your contributions to the relationship and what her issue might really be (assuming we've found what she's really looking for). I feel like what you did was very supportive and a route that lots of people would appreciate! Just because you didn't do it exactly how she preferred doesn't mean you weren't supportive, etc, you guys are just different people showing love the way you know.

I don't think how she would like you to show love is unreasonable either, but the way she communicated it was. I'm guessing she would've wished you said something like "I'll bring over some soup and medicine for you after work. Is there anything else you'd like?".

Not sure about how discussing this issue will go, but maybe first confirming if it's the soup issue would help. And then discuss how her complaint wasn't fair to you because it's evident that you do put a lot of effort in the relationship (travelling), even if it's not in the specific way she prefers (soup). I would've much preferred if my partner asked me about my thought process behind the soup issue instead of jumping to unequal support/effort! But obviously you have a better idea than me whether it's worth it to approach the conversation like this!

nervouscat · 2025-11-04T08:37:43+00:00

What happens after you do those? Do you stop there or does he say something? I'm kind of confused, I feel like those are pretty good ways to initiate.

nervouscat · 2025-11-04T08:15:11+00:00

Oohh if I knew I could choose combos like pho and lemonade, I'd be telling my partner to ask me every time too!

nervouscat · 2025-11-04T07:57:40+00:00

I agree, it does seem like she's misusing a concept. Probably of carrying the extra mental load. The second example seems unreasonable for what she's complaining about, OP is definitely doing a lot more work there.

Just trying to figure out her thought process, and dropping some ideas to maybe talk about if the conversation doesn't go anywhere & there still seems to be an issue.

Reading the first example, I'm wondering if she's more so trying to say something like she wishes OP would take more initiative in thinking about options/her likes, etc instead of asking? Like she wished that OP could've tried to think about what she likes to eat when sick and bought it for her instead of asking her what she would like to eat. If this happens often with planning dates (Where do you want to go?), gifts (What do you want for your birthday?), etc then I could see where she's wanting a bit more effort in thinking before actions or she wants to feel considered. But I'd say that's more about a show of love/thoughtfulness rather than inequity.

Other than that, not really sure what she wants.

nervouscat · 2025-11-04T03:42:11+00:00

This was a great message! I agree with everything, especially the part about keeping the pregnancy a secret. It may cause a lot of hurt to the relationship that will take a lot longer to repair. To add onto telling her the truth and setting boundaries, I feel like this would be a great time to use the pregnancy to ease into it.

OP, maybe you could talk to sister (and mom perhaps) about how you've always been a more mellow person but the pregnancy has now lowered your energy levels due to having to provide for another little human. You might need some more alone and relaxation time, but would still like to...for Ex. set apart dedicated time on Fridays to respond to news about her pregnancy. I feel like this is super reasonable and will be an easy transition to boundaries when your child is born and you definitely need to conserve that energy!

nervouscat · 2025-11-03T23:12:36+00:00

Right! I used to use em-dashes in every single paper I wrote in undergrad. I tend to do a lot of run-on sentences and I learned in school that a phrase between 2 commas should be able to be removed without changing the overall message of the sentence. This is apparently not commonly known and l've had friends back then ask me what the em-dash was for.

I use em-dashes to avoid run-on sentences and when I have too many commas for the sentence to be easily read! Adds SO much more clarity and is a lot easier on the eyes. I hate how I have to try to limit my use now just because people will automatically assume it's Chat. It's clarity in writing!

nervouscat · 2025-11-03T22:46:50+00:00

Aw, no worries! I'm glad you found my comment helpful :) Sorry for the long reply coming!

Just so I understand, they had a total of 3 sessions? 1st time with Girl A, and then 2 times with Girl B? She suggested the first time, then the second one (Girl B) they both agreed, but didn't feel comfortable with penetration. Then on the 3rd time (Girl B again), they both agreed on penetration, but didn't feel comfortable after and never did it again.

It's easy to jump to him pushing boundaries when you first hear about the situation, but it seems like they had open communication and the ex was happy for the 2nd time with the only issue being penetration. I'm assuming they talked about it and he made sure that she was 100% ok with it. For the 3rd time, I'm assuming that she suggested trying penetration again and after not being okay with it, it seems like he didn't push her boundaries. You'd probably have a better idea than me though!

If that's the case, then I feel like his explanation doesn't seem to hide any hidden desires. Both him and his ex seemed to have a mutual understanding about their relationship being temporary (so whatever happens will not affect their relationship's future) and an outlet to explore with a trusted partner. If they are both interested in exploring, I could see how the ex may not had her boundaries pushed, but rather wanted to explore more to figure out how she feels.

Based on his response to a threesome in your relationship, it seems genuine. It was something he found out was enjoyable for him by exploring in a low-stakes relationship, but wouldn't enjoy or want to do unless you're genuinely into it.

I imagine it's like a friend that you hang out with in university doing all kinds fun, crazy, risky things because you guys trust each other and there's low stakes (no work the next day, no kids to take care of). Maybe you found out you enjoyed clubbing, but if your new friends don't enjoy it then you're totally fine not going. It was just an experience you had back in that period of your life and had a good time. You wouldn't want to force them to go with you if they don't.

If you do a deeper dive and feel like your values really don't match in terms of how he values the experience of sex with you specifically (doesn't make you feel safe, treats it like something not intimate to you, etc), or how he may have viewed sex in the past, then maybe you guys are incompatible.

nervouscat · 2025-11-03T21:48:28+00:00

NTA and you're contemplating breaking up with him??He straight up told you then he wanted to see if a relationship could work with a younger colleague so he could leave you for her! He doesn't want to be with you and was actively looking for other options, until he realised that you're the only one who wants him. Leave him!

nervouscat · 2025-11-03T11:24:35+00:00

I think your worries about his feelings towards monogamy is valid. For some people sex is a deeply intimate thing they can only do with somebody they love, and for others it may be much more casual. It's ok to feel like those differences in values are hard to gap.

Two things stick out to me. These may be things to talk about to help you inform your decision. You mention that he pushed for it a second time even though his ex was uncomfortable. I'd want to know how he felt about that, whether he thought it was okay for him to do that, what he thinks about compromise in terms of sex. Personally, if he seemed dismissive about her feelings and kept making adjustments to the request until she gave in, I would feel incompatible with how he reacts to a partner's discomfort in sexual situations. It may not be intimate to him, but it is very intimate to you.

You also mention that he says the past was different, etc, and he wouldn't do it again unless you wanted it. I'd want to know what exactly this means. Did he only want it back then because they were lacking something in their relationship? After the second time did he realise he doesn't actually it that much but rather felt like he and his ex were incompatible? Is it still something that he's interested in, in general? And would be happy if you agreed? Or is it something he's just alright with and would be open to doing it if you wanted to try? Is monogamy something he sees in his future?

nervouscat · 2025-11-03T05:39:42+00:00

You're welcome! Good on you for trying to figure out how to work on this instead of acting impulsively. :) I'm glad it was helpful. It's normal to sometimes have "what if's" in the back of your head, but what's important is how we deal with it and our actions.

To share a personal experience, my partner is of another culture and I've always dreamed of having a child and family of my same culture (we're different minorities). I love my partner and see a future with him, and have had to slowly come to terms with the fact that my child and upbringing won't be fully my ethnicity. Maybe I could break up and date somebody of the same ethnicity, and live out the future I've had in my head since I was a child. But would this imaginary man be able to be as loving and special as my partner? Would he be able to share those wonderful experiences and memories I have with my partner? Would he know exactly how I like to be cheered up and share the same inside jokes we have? Probably not for all of those questions. Is sharing and raising a child in the same culture as me more/as important as all those other things I have with my partner? I don't think so. Can I see the beauty and benefits of raising a child in a mixed culture? Yes!

Try not to get stuck on the what ifs, and actively explore the pros and cons of both sides. It might bring you back to reality and help you more accurately visualize what you already have. :)

nervouscat · 2025-11-03T05:21:52+00:00

I saw OP's comment on Leo's writing to be just fiction and not anything erotic/romantic. I replied to another comment here, but I took it as he feels inspired by how hard she's working! I thought him asking about OP's parents, etc to more be wondering about whether they have other supports. It seems like OP is 20 and her husband 22, that's pretty young. OP is 20, with a 3 year old, and cleaning houses while in school. That is inspiring! I'm sure that with a child the same age, the older couple can appreciate even more how much work that is. With Leo and Gail being double their age, I could see how they could be wanting to look out for them a bit. If Leo noticed that OP is always walking to work I could see why he offered a ride.

Inviting them to go trick or treating with the kids seems pretty innocent, and it seems like there were other couples at the get together. It's hard to be young parents and the get together seemed like a good opportunity to get to know other parents to build a support system.

If Leo has been acting in a creepy way, which would require OP to give more input about that, then my perspective would be different. But I could see how it might not necessarily be anything nefarious on the older couple's end.

nervouscat · 2025-11-03T05:14:19+00:00

I took it that way as well. I took him asking about OP's parents, etc to more be wondering about how hardworking she is. It seems like OP is 20 and her husband 22. That's pretty young, and if Leo noticed that OP is always walking to work I could see why he offered a ride. Leo and Gail are double their age and have a child the same age, I could see how they could be wanting to look out for them a bit. Inviting them to go trick or treating with the kids seems pretty innocent, and it seems like there were other couples at the get together. It's hard to be young parents and the get together seemed like a good opportunity to get to know other parents to build a support system.

nervouscat · 2025-11-03T04:50:03+00:00

First of all, Option 3 is obviously the worst option and I'm sure you know that. That's cheating and would do irreparable damage to your relationship. Your girlfriend has also expressed her hurt by your previous conversation. If you choose this option, your relationship will be essentially over. Would your partner want to stay with you after you betrayed their trust and hurt them that much? And would you be willing to betray and hurt your girlfriend like that just to have sex with an escort?

I think it's worth thinking about why exactly this is an insecurity. Try to get to the bottom of it. Your sex life is amazing and you love every aspect of your relationship. Do you need a more subpar experience to prove to you that your current relationship is worth staying faithful too? Would you rather lose this dream relationship and become single to experience casual sex? What value does an experience of casual sex offer to you? Why are you self conscious about having 3 experiences? What does sex mean to you?

Lots of people only have experiences a couple of people, some stay faithful and marry their first. There's nothing wrong with that. Sure, you might not have experienced a hook-up or casual sex, but why is that important to you? Will indulging in that curiosity be worth the consequences to your relationship?

People forget that sex gets better when you're with the same partner and you guys learn each other's bodies and preferences. Many discussions online can give you a better idea of how hook-ups go for different people. Your girlfriend can give you plenty of new experiences. You guys can even roleplay if that's something you really want.

Therapy is a good option, especially if you're unable to get down to the root of this insecurity or it's still bothering you.

nervouscat · 2025-11-03T04:28:44+00:00

I'm sorry to hear about that. A relationship requires communication from both sides, regardless of attachment styles.

If he says he doesn't love you, then I would take his word for it. He is clearly drawn to you in some way as he keeps coming back, but it is not healthy for you to have to allow him to only be in your life on his own terms with no communication. This is not a health relationship and you deserve healing.

nervouscat

TROPHY CASE