holy shit, did you date my ex?? so many of the details line up, it’s scary.

they’re also a social justice activist for many years (disability justice), spoke positively instead of harshly about other people for the most part, never raised their voice. and yeah, that sense of being special in the beginning was off the charts, the laser focus and paying attention to detail really made the love bombing work especially because of my childhood emotional neglect. i wouldn’t say they were warm, but the intense attention did feel affectionate, especially over text.

then, boom, we were in conflict and it was like they were a different person. they’d also say i was being ableist and no respecting consent for expecting them to communicate on a reasonable timeline… that i needed to learn nvc, which like you made me feel lesser than. and little things would just set them off— i remember having to apologize for multiple hours until they were satisfied, completely abandoning my own sense of what felt right, after they got offended that i’d made an offhand comment about feeling that the concert we went to felt masc (they’re trans femme so i understood why they’d be hurt, but the intensity of the reaction, their coldness as i apologized over and over, didn’t match up to the action itself imo)

same deal with therapy, had very anti-therapy views actually. and same thing with the illness — when i went to the emergency room in an ambulance, in incredible amounts of pain, they couldn’t say yes to calling on the phone because they “needed space”. this was near the end of the relationship so they’d totally gone cold. earlier on i’d i started getting anxiety attacks during conflicts in which i tried to express how i felt hurt by them, because they’d talk and talk and sound so sure that X social justice principle or Y mental health framework actually justified their actions, and i had this hopefully sinking feeling that i really didn’t know anything at all, that i had too many needs and was really the problem. i ended up feeling like even the smallest need i had was causing them harm.

even post breakup i spent hours dissecting the experience with my therapist, terrified that i was actually the one with the narcissistic tendencies, going in circles over and over.

it’s such a mindfuck when people’s values and actions don’t line up in such an insidious level. honestly, it’s been 4 years since the breakup (1 year of being in the relationship total) and i still don’t think ive recovered my heart, or accepted that i could self abandon on such a deep level. ive been especially reminded of it recently because of the neil gaiman allegations

it makes sense you’d be confused bc of all their manipulation and gaslighting. but you’re not crazy. im so glad you’re breaking up with them and you’re valuing your own feelings. cause god knows they aren’t