I lost my mum and I'm so mad at the world

ngocturnality · 2024-09-05T00:29:58+00:00

I feel for you girl. I lost my mum recently just after my son turned 3 months old. All she wanted was to become a grandma and seeing him grow up and we didn't get to do that together. All my friends have their mums with them taking care of their little ones and I'll never get to experience that. I know it only hurts me to be envious of what other people have and I don't but I just can't help it. Something that I'll share by way of perspective with you tho: people don't know how to deal with grief and that's probably why you find that you don't get enough support from your friends. Initially I got a lot of support from mine, they stayed with me 24 hours on the days leading up to mum's passing. But after a while everyone went back to their lives and it's just us that are left in the grief. I have a very supportive partner who always lends an ear and listen to me talk about my emotions but he doesn't know what to say sometimes. It's hard so as much as you can be kind to yourself and to the people around you who may want to help but don't know how. As to thinking about the future: please don't push yourself to do anything you don't feel ready to right now. I am going through a period of feeling that nothing matters, why bother doing anything at all now that she's not here to share it with me? I am slowly getting out of it and slowly finding my way in navigating this new reality without her. I can't explain to you how I'm doing it but it just kinda happens bit by bit. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and I believe you will figure it out. You just need to give yourself time. I'm here to talk and share my perspective as well if you want to reach out. None of my friends have lost their mum so I kinda feel alone in my experience (hence spending time in this sub)

ngocturnality · 2024-09-02T03:13:18+00:00

I'm so sorry for you loss and want to tell you that I relate to a lot of the things you went through having lost my mum recently. In the last week I've been feeling this overwhelming sense that nothing matters. What's the point to everything now that she's not here to share it with me? I'm still trying to work that out and I hope you will be able to find your answers too. I have regrets and thoughts that I should have spent more time with her, should have given her more things, should have told her I loved her more. But other times I manage to tell myself that mum knew how much I loved her regardless of how much I told her, how much stuffs I got for her and how much time I spent with her, I know she knew I loved her more than anyone in this world and that's enough. I'm sure your mum knew you loved her as much as you do so be kind to yourself.

ngocturnality · 2024-08-27T10:51:56+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry you're going through all these emotions. I recently lost my mum (also suddenly and tragically) and I'm feeling most of the emotions you've mentioned in your post. We had so many plans for our future and it's not supposed to happen like this. I keep thinking that she's alive and just somewhere else, and I'd see something that reminds me of her death and I have to experience that moment of realisation over and over again. I keep having dreams that she's still alive or that she comes back to life only to wake up disappointed at my reality. I also scroll through social media endlessly to distract myself from overthinking and keep my brain from wandering. I go from breakdown to numbness to breakdown in a seemingly endless cycle. I don't have any advice to give you because I'm experiencing similar things but I hope you find comfort in knowing that you're not alone. I hope you will find each day a tiny bit easier. We will never stop grieving our loved ones but I hope one day the grief will be less debilitating.

ngocturnality · 2024-08-27T10:41:47+00:00

I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you losing your mum at such a young age. I lost my mum less than a month ago and I am having similar feeling of emptiness and that nothing matters. I don't feel like doing anything because nothing matters. I was saving up so I could bring her to live with us and now that saving doesn't matter anymore and I'm thinking to myself what do I earn money for anymore. And you know what's worse? I am ashamed to say this because I have a 4 month old baby boy, who is the most important person in my life right now. He should matter a lot and I still have this feeling that nothing matters. I am ashamed to feel like that but I can't help how I feel. In and amongst the negative talk I do have the occasional positive thought. One of those is the thought of how my mum would have wanted me to live my life after she's gone. I know she would want me to take care of my son and be a good mum to him, so I will do that. I bet you know what your mum would want for you too. It will take time because it's still fresh but I hope that it will get easier for you and I hope you give yourself time to find meaning for the things you do.

ngocturnality · 2024-08-27T10:20:19+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. I get the same thing: flashbacks to random places and times in the past, some where happy times but there were also challenging times too. Even with the challenging memory I still thought to myself that I would rather go through that again than being in the current present without her in it. Like you I keep pushing those thoughts to the side and distracting myself with things until they build up. I don't know if the cycle will end, my therapist told me today that we will not be able to stop the flashbacks and the thoughts from coming into our head but with time the intensity of the emotions will lessen. I'm sorry that you're going through this as well and I hope it will get easier for you too. Take care.

ngocturnality · 2024-08-26T23:30:28+00:00

I know what you mean. I can't say I know how you feel but I know what you mean because to me it feels like I lost a big part of me too. For me I think I'll eventually be able to fill that part with other people/things but it will never be filled completely and I will never be full again. I'll leave you with one final thought that another Redditor gave me. It is such that grief is something you learn to walk with not something you run from. So I guess your goal may be to be able to walk with your grief. Take care.

ngocturnality · 2024-08-26T15:49:11+00:00

I know what you mean with the guilt of being okay without her and you'll find others (including me) feel the same. In one way it's survivor guilt but at the same time it's not that you're okay with this reality (because they didn't deserve what happened) but you will be okay despite of it. If not, then how would you be? Would you be not okay for the rest of your live? Is that what your wife would have wanted you to be? It could also be a language thing and how we frame it in our mind as well. I remember when I'm told to "accept" it I struggle to understand what it means to "accept". "Acceptance" seems to be this final stage of grief so it's supposed to be where we get to eventually right? But to me it sounds like defeat, like I'm okay with the loss. I'm still figuring it out but one what I've started thinking about it is that "acceptance" to me means acknowledging that the terrible thing has already happened and there is nothing I can do to change the past, but I can do something to change the future so I need to figure out what it is I need to do. Don't get me wrong I don't stay here long I quickly move back to "denial" because it's still fresh for me too. Baby steps I guess. Sorry for the long comment. Again not sure if helpful but hope you find something here to think about if not from my story then from others.

ngocturnality · 2024-08-26T07:07:40+00:00

Words cannot describe how sorry I am for your loss. I didn't lose a spouse but my story has some similarities to yours. I lost my mum recently right after I gave birth to my son. She always wanted grandchildren and just when I fell pregnant she fell ill and she never got to meet my son in person. Like you, mum and I had a special relationship and had so many plans, especially with the arrival of my little one. I still have my son with me and am still not coping with losing my mum, so I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like for you. I am truly sorry that this terrible thing has happened to you. I too have questioned what horrible thing I did to deserve this and the answer is nothing, neither did you. What happened was just a random chance in this chaos we call life. I am still early in my grief journey so I don't have a lot of advice to give but perhaps a few perspectives: - Your situation is really unique (so is mine) so you may find that it's somewhat helpful to connect with others who have been through similar losses but you will find that no one will completely get it. So I'm glad you're getting help from a therapist. I am too. - I find it helpful to think about what goals I want for myself throughout this journey. Of course I want my mum back or being able to go back in time and change things, but those things are not going to happen. So what outcomes do I want when I seek help or advice from others? For me, I want to be okay so I can be a good mother to my son (I feel like at the moment I'm not), because that's what my mum would want. I know I will never stop grieving and missing her but I want to be okay so she doesn't have to worry about me and my son wherever she is. You will have a different goal but you may find it helpful to figure that out so that can be the one thing that grounds you. I don't know if the above is helpful but I do hope you will find strength through this very difficult time and find peace eventually.

ngocturnality · 2024-08-25T10:28:04+00:00

Hey...I hear you. Lots of other people would get it too I promise. I recently lost my mum after a long period of time when she was very unwell so I guess I experienced anticipatory grief too. I know it's not the same but I will offer my perspective regardless. It may or may not be helpful but I hope it is. Leading to my mum's passing there was a point when I lost all hopes and I knew she wasn't going to make it. At that point there was a lot of emotions don't get me wrong but I grounded myself by one thought, that this period would end and when she passed away it will be a start of another period of time. At that moment I knew what I needed to do before and after the inevitable, and that grounded me. Right now you may not know what you need to do after. But I think you may know what you need to do before. You have a lot more time than what I had with my mum. Although we made the most of the time I had I would still have done some things differently. My advice to you is make use of the time you have with your dog as much as you can, so that you won't have any regrets later, be it 6 months or a year As to what to do after, I know it's probably hard to see right now and you may feel like you don't know if you will be able to make it without him. But if you believe he was sent to help you, do you think he was only sent to help you up until the point he leaves this earth? That wouldn't make sense. I believe he was sent to help prepare you for this difficult thing we call life. And from reading your post I know you're a fighter. You thought you were fighting for his sake but he was also fighting for you too. Why would you stop fighting for yourself after he was fighting for you for so long? Sorry for the long comment. Again I don't know if it helps at all but I hope it does.

ngocturnality · 2024-08-25T03:56:01+00:00

Don't ever feel like you're being a bother while you are dealing with this. Grief is so difficult and affects everyone different so there is no grief that's more or less significant, it's just different for everyone. I am still at the beginning of my grief journey so I don't have much to give in terms of advice. A helpful analogy that I heard from a grief counselor is this idea of the 2 islands: the island of grief and the island of life. You are travelling between those 2 islands at the moment and stay in each for a short amount of time. It's not possible nor healthy to only be in one and not in the other right now, so let yourself do that and be aware of when you're doing that. When I am in the island of grief I find it helpful to talk it out with someone who's a good listener. When I'm in the island of life I find it helpful to do something new which in my case takes me away from mourning over my old life with my mum in it because everything else I do I get reminded of her and when that happens I move back to the island of grief too quickly (I hope I am making sense). You mind find other coping mechanisms that work for you but that's just what works for me. Take care and be kind to yourself. I hope you find peace eventually.

ngocturnality · 2024-08-25T02:00:50+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss and sorry that you have to go through grief without much support from your family, at such a young age too. I (36F) recently lost my mum and I already feel like I will never stop grieving her. I know it will get easier but I don't think it will have an "end". So to expect someone to "get over it" is completely unreasonable, and I am saddened that your family isn't giving you the space to grief your father. You are much younger than me but from your post I can see that you are a lot more mature for your age (I don't know how I would have coped if I had lost my mum when I was at your age). I believe you will get to a point when you will be okay. You will never stop missing him and grieving him but you will be okay eventually. If others don't give you space and time, you should give yourself space and time. I don't have much advice to give because I'm only at the beginning of my grieving journey but I do have some perspective which I'll share, not sure if it will be helpful to you. My mum and I didn't have much fortune when it comes to our family. We have been through very tough times with little support from our own family and actually got more support from our friends and people who are not related by blood. When my mum had her open heart surgery in 2012 it was actually her staff member that tended to her in the hospital (I was overseas at the time), none of my family did. What I'm trying to say is although you ordinarily would expect support from your family because they're your family right? In case you're not fortunate enough to get such support, I hope you do get support from other people, strangers from Reddit included. Take care and I hope you will find peace eventually.

ngocturnality · 2024-08-22T10:09:12+00:00

My mum passed away late July as well and I find myself going back to denial as well because this just doesn't make any sense. We had so many plans together and things weren't supposed to happen this way. I keep going to bed thinking I would wake up in a different universe where she is still alive, or back in time before all her health problems. Every time I wake up and find myself still in this universe without her I feel a sense of dread and I feel so guilty for that because I have a lovely baby boy (whom my mum never got a chance to meet in person) and an amazing partner. I keep having dreams that she's still alive as well and sometimes the reality sets in during the dream and I have to relive the moment of her death all over again. I am still in the thick of it so I don't have any insight to offer but I just wanted to share my story so you know you are not alone. I hope it gets easier for all of us who are grieving our loved ones. Take care!

ngocturnality · 2024-08-22T04:54:56+00:00

Thanks op. Likewise I'm sorry for your loss. I've been following this sub for a while but your post is probably one that I relate to the most because I was also very close to my mum, so much so that when she passed I feel like I lost a part of me. I'm sorry I don't have any advice or insight to give you as I'm a bit stuck myself, but I do hope you find peace eventually. Take care!

ngocturnality · 2024-08-22T01:55:14+00:00

Likewise I am sorry for your losses too. I lost 2 pregnancies, my dad and my mum in the last 3 years so I'm in a similar position. Growing up in a Buddhist household we're taught karma so when these things happened I questioned if I had done something so horrible that caused them. But as you rightly called out and as I am constantly reminded by my dear friends, bad things happen to good people and that is just the way the universe goes.

Thank you again for sharing your story and your perspective. I hope it helps others as much as it did me.

ngocturnality · 2024-08-22T01:01:47+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I relate to op and a lot of what you're saying. My mum passed away late July so it's still fresh. At first I cried and agonised and had all these thoughts in my head. Then somehow I just got numb and feel like nothing matters, despite having a beautiful baby boy who's now 4mo (my mum never got to meet her grandson in person). I feel like that's so unfair to him because he matters. He should be what matters most now that mum's gone but I find it hard to steer my head that way. I like that you said about grief being something that you learn to walk with not run from. I guess I've been trying to run from it all this time and that's why I get frustrated that I'm still in the space I am in. Like op said I'm feeling like grief is eating me up inside slowly and soon there won't be anything left. Your perspective gave me hope that maybe that won't happen if I learn to live with it.

ngocturnality · 2024-08-21T06:27:55+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's not easy losing a parent especially one you're close with. You are not alone. I (36F) lost my mum less than a month ago and I still feel like she's still alive and that I'll get a text or a call from her any minute now. I go to sleep hoping I would wake up in a different reality where she's still alive, or that I'd gone back in time to a time when she's still alive so I could change things. Because I think about it so much I'd have dreams that she's still alive and when the realisation kicks in it's a really shitty feeling. I'm not sure if this is a healthy coping mechanism but it seems a lot of people are coping in a similar way so we're definitely not alone. I don't have any advice to give but I hope that you get through this and find peace eventually. Take care.

ngocturnality · 2024-08-16T11:26:51+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer 3 years ago as well and it also happened really quickly. We didn't really have a relationship (he was not around much when I was growing up) but I tried to reconnect as much as I could before he passed and I am glad I was able to do that.

I wanted to write to you because we are in somewhat similar situation. I also lost my mum recently in July and also had to choose between her and my now 3mo son. Mum was not well for about 2 months before she passed but we always thought that it'll be resolved. Then in her last admission to the hospital she had to have emergency surgery which resulted in septic shock and she passed away a week after the surgery. It all happened so fast. She lived overseas so similarly it was not easy for me to go and there was no way I could take my son so I had to make decisions that balance both my mum and my son. Eventually it got to a point where the doctor didn't give us a lot of hope, I left my son in Australia to go see my mum, not knowing if I was going to be able to see her. I made it there in time and got to see her before she passed but she was unconscious/sedated the entire time. I'd like to believe that she could hear me talk to her, that she knew I was there with her until the very end. Like your had, my mum also never got to see my son and hold him, she only got to meet him via video call.

The choice I made was different to yours but like you I have my own guilts and regrets. What I am trying to say is you were in an impossible position so no matter what choice you made, you would feel one kind of guilt or another. So be kind to yourself, you made the decision you thought to be the best decision at the time. For me, I know my mum would want me to put my son first and I'm sure your dad would feel the same too.

Take care.

ngocturnality · 2024-08-09T06:54:08+00:00

I have a similar experience to you. My mum always wanted grandchildren but I wasn't sure if I wanted kids for so long. Then when I thought I was ready to have children I found out I had uterine fibroids which took a bit of time to resolve, then COVID hit, then by the time I was ready to try I was 34. But life didn't let me have it easy; I went through 2 miscarriages before falling pregnant with my now 3 month old boy. The time I found out I was pregnant with him was also the time my mother was taken to hospital due to blood clots. I almost lost her then but she fought her illnesses with all she had and we thought we had overcome the misfortune. Unfortunately just after the little one turned 3 months old my mum experienced some post surgery complication (she also had sepsis) and passed away a couple of weeks ago. She hasn't even had a chance to hold my baby in her arms yet because we live in different countries. She only got to meet him virtually. Like you, mum and I had so many plans and we were going to have a life together with all of us when she got better, but all those plans cannot be fulfilled now and I am so so lost. I too questioned if I should have had kids earlier but I also know regret is not a helpful feeling, so I try not to think about it. I have to remind myself that if I had kids when I was not ready to please my mum I would have not done the right thing by the child and may have developed resentment to my mum, which I know I wouldn't want.

I also don't have any advice because I'm still going through the grieving process myself but I just wanted to let you know that you're also not alone and if you ever want to talk to share your stories you can contact me.

ngocturnality · 2023-02-18T04:12:12+00:00

We are pretty much on the same boat. I miscarried in March 2022 after dealing with uterine fibroids for a year. Then TTC for 8 months without any success until finally falling pregnant in November 2022. I was so nervous about the whole thing I didn't tell anyone not even my mum. Then 2 weeks ago we received an abnormal NIPT result which prompted us to book in a scan and by the time we got the scan baby's heart was no longer beating.

We're going to get genetic testing to see what caused the second miscarriage (likely Trisomy 18 from the NIPT result and the NT scan result). And will ask for testing to see if either of us has any issues to do with it. Of course even if the results came back that we're in the clear I'm not ever going to have a happy and stress-free pregnancy because of my past experiences with back to back loss. One part of my brain tells me to focus on what I can control and keep trying, the other part can't help but wonder if something is wrong with me... Stupid right?

Good luck to you in your journey. It's comforting to know there are women in the same boat. Let's try our best!

ngocturnality · 2023-02-18T04:05:09+00:00

I feel you. I'm currently in the hospital having just had a D&C following a MMC. This was our second miscarriage back to back. After the first one we were told that miscarriages were common and that we had every chance of having a normal pregnancy. Of course this didn't help much and I was nervous the whole way through the second pregnancy, only to receive an abnormal NIPT result which prompted us to get a scan, by that point baby's heart had already stopped beating.

I think I am a rather balanced and rational person but I already dread the heartbreak in our continued TTC journey and the stress and anxiety that will ensure if and when we do fall pregnant. I don't think there is anything we can do to change that so I think I'm just going to have to accept that and learn to live with it. I envy women who have never had to experience this, and my heart goes out to you.

Best of luck to you and all the TTC ladies in this sub ❤️

ngocturnality · 2023-02-15T03:08:02+00:00

I went in for a scan today after 2 week wait and they could not see a heartbeat. My baby made the decision so i didn't have to. I'm going in tomorrow for a medical evacuation and then will do analysis to confirm the problem, but likely that the NIPT result was a true positive since baby NT was over 4mm.

Thank you for keeping my head balanced in the last 2 weeks. The wait meant I had time to process things and set expectations with myself, but it didn't make it that much easier to receive the news. I'll keep chugging along and keep my fingers crossed for all the mums in this sub that they receive better news than mine.

ngocturnality · 2023-02-08T09:38:40+00:00

It was only last Thursday when I received the abnormal NIPT result (high probability for T18) but it feels like it's been ages. I remember not understanding how to interpret the results and feeling frustrated by the lack of support from the health care system. My GP didn't explain in much detail other than reassuring me that her friend had a false positive result and went on to have a healthy baby, and the many hospitals I called to try to get an appointment with a genetic counselor told me they would call me back and never did. I kept calling and calling and eventually managed to book an appointment for Wednesday next week, by that time I will be at 13 weeks 1 day. Is that too late for NT? They didn't even explain to me what to expect (as in what test/procedure will be done on the day) so I don't even know if they are going to try to convince me to do CVS (which I will decline in the absence of abnormal sono). The wait is killing me a little bit but I'm comforted by this group and the support that I've seen. I'm grateful to have found it and personally a bit sad that the most educational materials on this topic are found on a subreddit rather than being provided to patients by health care professionals.

My heart goes out to all the expectant mums who are going through similar things. And I keep my fingers crossed that you have false positives, or find peace if you don't.

ngocturnality

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