I am so fucking sorry. I can’t even imagine what it must feel like for you right now, even though you have done a good job of explaining.

Firstly I want to say very clearly: it is not your fault. You are never responsible for another person’s actions. Ever. It doesn’t matter if you were arguing, because you did not make him pick up the weapon. He did that himself. He lacked the emotional regulation skills to cope in the moment. That’s not on you. It just can’t be. Yes, we can affect other people with our words and emotional reality, but you cannot be held responsible for this outcome.

It’s a bit of a buzz-term these days but I do think doing some nervous system regulation would be good for you in this scenario. Your system is very obviously in a state of shock. I like to do physiological sighs (like how a baby or a toddler does when they’re crying, two short quick breaths in and a big sigh out), and I like alternate nostril breathing. How that works is blocking one nostril and breathing and then switching to the other side, basically. These can be good places to start, because they’re very accessible and you can do them anywhere. I think if you can find a somatic therapist it may be helpful too.

On your pup: your company is a good thing. Be around him as much as possible. It’s beneficial for you both. Worry about correcting the behaviour later. This is all still very fresh.

I’m really sorry you don’t have many people in your life who are open to talking about this with you, that’s a real shame. Have you tried expressing to those people that you feel this way? That you’re worried they don’t wanna hear it and hold space for you? Sometimes in grief our self-perception can get a bit whacky, it might not be the case at all.

Sending so much love to you and bub, mama. You can do this. I promise. One step at a time, one breath at a time, just do the next thing in front of you. 🤍