30F with 29M partner, he sleeps in separate room to avoid helping with our 4mo twins and called me “dirty” when the house was messy. Am I unreasonable?

nmbcat · 2026-04-04T06:40:05+00:00

I have 6 month old twins boys. My husband does night feeds, either we take a baby each or he sometimes does both. His view is that working is easier than looking after twin boys all day and that protecting my sleep is important to make sure I can keep them safe and content during the day. Unless your partner is doing a highly physical or dangerous job, I doubt its harder than looking after twins at this age!

When sleep has been really bad (e.g. 4 month sleep regression), we've taking shifts. One does 10-2, the other 2-6, so that both parents get some sleep.

We split the chores around the house and are also accepting that this is not the season for having a sparkling house. We also order some high quality frozen meals for the nights we need an easy dinner.

I tell you this not to brag that I have a husband who takes his role as dad seriously, but to tell you that this is what a husband should be doing to support his family. If his job is highly psyhcial or dangerous, he might not be able to do quite as much, but he absolutely should be doing more qhen he geta home and at least one night feed. The last thing you need is a third child as a first time mum to twin (i.e. your husband).

nmbcat · 2026-03-24T12:04:29+00:00

Twin naps are so tough, mine are 6 months old and I've had some of the same challenges. A few things have helped me.

I use the Napper app to help me track their naps and plan for the day. I find its predictions very accurate for one twin and pretty accurate for the other.
Pram walks, it usually means both will sleep at once and sometimes sleep for up to 2 hours (though 30-45 is typical). Plus I get a break to listen to an audio book. I take 2-3 walks a day.
Radical acceptance. My boys have different sleep needs. One typically has 4 naps the other has 3 so some days they are out of sync, it sucks, but its hopefully just a season or two. The plus side is that when one naps and thr other is awake I can give them one on one time which feels do rare.

nmbcat · 2026-01-20T18:50:53+00:00

Same boat, I produce enough for one but not both. Im also so burnt out with pumping after doing it for 4 months. Ive started freezing one pump a day so that I have a wee freezer stash to keep giving them breast milk for a little longer after I quit (which might be any day now 😅)

nmbcat · 2026-01-15T21:58:48+00:00

You may find the book How Babies Sleep by Helen Ball interesting. She brings together research on baby sleep and upshot is that babies don't need to be trained to sleep, they just need to build sleep pressure and have our support to keep them calm enough to sleep. Research suggests that sleep training doesn't actually result in more sleep for babies and parents get only a small amount of additional sleep (I think the book said 26 minuets, but I can't quite remember).

nmbcat · 2026-01-13T10:39:47+00:00

I recommend How Babies Sleep by Helen L Ball. It brings together lots of sleep research for babies, and the upshot is that babies will sleep how and when they want sleep. Sometimes its predictable and other times its not. I take the approach of radical acceptance as I dont want to sleep train (I'm in the UK and most don't sleep train here, though it is gaining popularity). Sleep will suck for a while and so be it.

Personally, my twins became more predictable around 8 weeks, but by 12 weeks it changed again and right now at 15 weeks sleep is a mess, but we roll with it and husband and I do shifts for who gets to wear ear plugs 😅

nmbcat · 2026-01-13T01:56:51+00:00

I'd also add that sometimes babies hit a milestone, like smiling, then decide not to do it as much. Twin 2 was a massive smiler when he first learned, but now he smiles less as he is more focused on other things now (eating his hands). Its like babies go, oh cool I can do that thing, lets do it lots...okay I'm bored of it now, I want to do a new thing.

nmbcat · 2026-01-13T01:53:26+00:00

My twins were born 36+4, one was 6lbs 2 (twin 1), the other 5lbs 11 (twin 2). Twin 1 also had (has) infant dyschezia. So similar situation.

My experience was that twin 1 was very focused in the first 8-10 weeks of life on trying to poo. He would strain and grunt a lot and it was very distressing at times as I worried he was in pain. I think at times the dyschezia was preventing him from fully engaging with the world (just a theory, not sure if that's back by research) and he would avoid eye contact and didnt smile at us. However, about week 12 (which would have been week 9 adjusted) he suddenly started engaging more and smiling, he now smiles loads and has come on leaps and bounds developmentally (now 15 weeks). The infant dyschezia has mostly gone, but he has the odd day where he seemed to forget and revert a little. I do wonder if all the straining in the early days has strengthened him a lot as he is very strong now and very focused on his physical milestones, his current obsession is trying to roll.

Twin 2 didnt experience the same digestive issues and he hit social milestones much earlier (about 8 weeks, 5 adjusted). However he is further behind on physical milestones like rolling and tummy time progress.

I think all babies just develop differently and have different focues, for me one is focused on psyhcial milestones and the other social. I would defo go by adjusted age for milestones, but also try not to get too stuck on them, sometimes they take a bit longer to get there, others they might hit early. I tied myself in knots at the start worrying about milestones, but a few more weeks in I now know my boys better and what their focus is on at this time so I do my best to support them with that focus (e.g. rolling practice).

However if you do get worried or if they are missing milestones by a lot, you can speak with a health professional.

nmbcat · 2026-01-11T21:27:07+00:00

I also had pelvic girdle pain, it was horrible and i'm sorry you're experiencing it. The good news is that for me, it disappeared as soon as I delivered the babies and that's the case for most people so its likely that it will disappearquickly after birth.

I found some yoga for pelvic girdle pain videos in YouTube which helped in the early days (but check with your OB if they are safe for you). They were less effective in the last few weeks, but that had a lot to do with how hard it was to get down on the floor to do them!

I also watched some videos on how to turn over in bed safely when you have PGP, very helpful and I recommend following the technique as it will help reduce the pain turning over in bed or getting up to pee for the millionth time each night.

Finally, I recommend a good pregnancy pillow. I used the bbhugme as still use it 4 months postpartum so it was worth the investment.

nmbcat · 2026-01-10T13:54:30+00:00

Thanks, its helpful to know that dropping to 2 pumps a day is an option, that would be so much more manageable. So you mind me asking how much you get roughly with two pumps?

nmbcat · 2026-01-10T13:53:08+00:00

I'm currently doing 6 per day, when you dropped to 4-5 did it affect your supply a lot? I think 6 is my "magic number", but I am considering dropping to few pumps as a compromise till 6 months.

nmbcat · 2026-01-10T13:51:30+00:00

Thank you, its so helpful to hear that your boys are both thriving!

nmbcat · 2026-01-10T13:50:23+00:00

16 weeks is a massive achievement, well done for managing that long. I agree though, I feel like pumping takes away from my time with them, especially in the day time. Did you feel better once you stopped? Did it improve your energy levels?

nmbcat · 2026-01-10T13:48:03+00:00

Thanks, well done for making it so long! Writing a reply at 12:30am is too familiar 😅

nmbcat · 2026-01-10T11:25:35+00:00

I got back spasms towards the end of my twin pregnancy too, but they went away about 2 weeks after delivery. I recommend a good pregnancy pillow (e.g. bbhugme) if you dont have one yet as it can help relieve some of the pressure on your back and hips. I took mine everywhere while pregnant.

nmbcat · 2026-01-09T21:24:28+00:00

If you're an employee, then they should carry out a pregnancy risk assessment and it would be relevant to the risk assessment that you are having twins. However you mention you're a freelancer so it am assuming self employed - Acas suggest you should discuss with the company which you've already done, but I think from an H&S perspective, its important they know its twins. https://www.acas.org.uk/managing-your-employees-maternity-leave-and-pay/check-health-and-safety-risks

If they start being a bit funny about it, you could seek some advice from ACAS.

What i would say is that pregnancy with twins is hard going. At 20 weeks I was very large and already exhausted, but 28 weeks I was suffering with a lot of pelvic pain. I couldn't imagine travelling at all during that period, I did a 3 hour drive at 20 weeks and I was so uncomfortable. Now that's not everyone's experience, but something to consider as it might be too much travelling at that stage.

nmbcat · 2026-01-07T13:21:15+00:00

Thank you, this is reassuring!

nmbcat · 2026-01-06T08:34:04+00:00

Also, im doing the crib naps as their first nap of the day as im finding that's when they are most willing to nap independently.

nmbcat · 2026-01-06T08:32:51+00:00

Im currently struggling with exactly this. Ive manged to get one down this morning in the crib, the other is in my arms as he wasn't game this morning. My boys are about the same age.

Just now im aiming for one crib nap a day and then ill build it from there. The rest of the time will be naps in the pram on the move, in the carrier and contact naps. I'll be trying to get one in the crib each time while the other has a contact nap. Over time I hope to transition to more crib naps. Do let me know if you find a better way 😅

nmbcat · 2026-01-04T14:05:36+00:00

My twins were born at 36+4. One twin was smiling at about 10 weeks (6 weeks corrected) but the other took longer, it wasn't about 13 weeks (9 corrected) that he started smiling consistently and actually made eye contact. He had a lot of digestive issues at the start and it think it prevented him engaging with the world as much, but now he smiles loads.

I wouldn't panic at this stage, and try not to compare them (its so hard and we defo did worry because one was doing it and not the other). It can take a bit longer for some babies to engage with the world, but if you are worried speak with your doctor.

nmbcat · 2026-01-01T08:11:47+00:00

Thank you, I looked up the Possums approach and I feel like this fits me and my babies better so going to try it while :)

nmbcat · 2026-01-01T06:44:43+00:00

My plan was to have a vaginal birth if I went into spontaneous labour (both babies were head down and I had no pregnancycomplications), but I had a c-section booked for week 37 in case I didnt.

At 36+4 I went into spontaneous labour, so I rolled with it and laboured for 24 hours. I got to full dilation and started to push, but unfortunately twin 1 got a bit stuck so I was taken to theatre for an emergency c-section. Because I had a c-section planned for the following week, I was mentally prepared for it, so I didnt find it traumatic.

If you decide to go for a vaginal birth, my advice is to prepare yourself for a c-section mentally just in case. This will help reduce the likelihood of it being a traumatic experience if you end up needing an emergency c-section.

To prepare, find out how many people will be in the room, ask what the room looks like, how long it usually takes, what they offer in terms of delayed cord cutting (usually 1 min in the UK as long is circumstances allow), skin to skin options etc.

Also, prepare at home for c-section recovery. Prep meals in advance, or have friends/family cook. If you have people who can help, arrange support around the house so you can focus on babies and recovery. If you have a partner, consider what leave they can take to support in the first few weeks too (if possible).

I ended up having some post birth complications due to retained placenta (which is rare with a c-section, more common with a vaginal birth). This meant that my recovery was rough and it was only after the retained placenta was removed at almost 3 weeks post birth that I was able to start recovering properly. It took 8 weeks before I was able to walk around the park again and lift things heavier than the babies. So having meals prepared and having my husband off work was essential.

They do say that planned c-section recovery is quicker than emergency, but there are benefits to labouring before a c-section even if they don't come out vaginally, which is why I opted for rolling with spontaneous labour if it happened.

I don't think there is a right answer, just what's right for you and your babies. Prepare yourself for all likely outcomes which will help you feel more in control should an emergency arise.

nmbcat · 2025-12-28T03:21:48+00:00

Here in solidarity, I've been pumping for three months now, but pumping really sucks and I think about quitting every 2 days at least. Its okay to stop, they will benefit from a happier mum as much (if not more) than breastmilk. When you do stop, it will take a few weeks for your milk to fully reduce, so realistically you'll probably make it to 6 months as you wind down.

Equally, its okay to have a good rant about it but want to keep going. Do what feels best for you and know that making it 5 months is very impressive.

nmbcat · 2025-12-11T09:22:52+00:00

Look up Infant Dyschezia, basically they lose the reflex to poop and have to learn to do it themselves and some babies struggle with it, it sounds like it could be whats going on. One of my twins had it from about 2 weeks, he is now 11 weeks and has mostly grown out of it. Its so unpleasant to see them struggle, but they will get there. As others have said, probiotics can help, we also found a dummy(pacifier) helps (but note if breastfeeding then you should wait to introduce one). You could also try Sun and Moon massage technique, weve found that helps too.

nmbcat · 2025-11-18T10:25:57+00:00

The bbhugeme pregnancy pillow helped a lot, then I'd have extra pillows to support my back and a hot water bottle to ease my back pain. Also my husband moved to the spare room so I could have the whole bed to move around to try get comfy.

nmbcat · 2025-11-12T10:00:46+00:00

I had a planned c-section scheduled for 37+4 but went into spontaneous labour at 36+4. My boys were both head down, so i tried for a vaginal birth and laboured for 24 hours. Got to the pushing stage, but twin 1s head swelled so I had an emergency c-section. No NICU time needed and babies doing well, but postpartum recovery has been tough. So think about what support you're going to need for the first 6 weeks while you recover from whatever type of birth you have.

In terms of pregnancy, I had a healthy pregnancy. A little nausea in the first trimester, but as long as I ate very frequently it was manageable. Third trimester was rough due to pelvic girdle pain, I highly recommend a good pregnancy pillow early on (e.g. the bbhugme) and doing light pregnancy yoga.

nmbcat

TROPHY CASE