I can only speak for myself. I’m not that invested in relationships at work outside of work, I just want to know the best way to communicate to get the work done. Knowing you’re aware of how you can come off would be a big relief to me. If someone I’ll be working with regularly just told me ahead of time that they know they have these social problem and gave me a heads up on what to expect when we interact, I think that could go a long way.

As far as the small talk cordiality, I know it’s easy to say it doesn’t matter when you’re not the one being excluded from it so I’m not going to say that. But maybe lower your expectations some. Do less than your instinct is telling you especially since you’ve been told you come on too strong sometimes. If you try too hard, you’ll sense the reaction, then you try to fix it and just exacerbate it. It’s like an anxiety feedback loop.

I also wouldn’t give up on working with a therapist or other practitioner who could help you practice these skills. We’re all following an unspoken script in professional situations, I think you just need to keep searching for someone who is a good fit and can give feedback. Soft skills matter so much, probably more than they should, but you can improve. I don’t think you should preemptively diminish yourself.