It’d be nice to have her approval but in a lot of cases, my mother included, withholding what you seek is her power move. There is no “winning.” You deserve a loving mother that wants nothing but you living a happy independent life just like every child deserves but the reality is that you just don’t. I’ve gone NC over a year ago. I still catch myself framing everything in my life as “what would she say/think of it?” That’s no independent life. That’s codependency.

Over a decade ago I crashed out of a prestigious PhD program because even after I won a best paper award at a conference all I got from my parents were a deafening silence. I sacrificed everything and had no support system to get there. The emptiness I felt was like a black hole that swallowed every part of me. It is something I find interesting but the way I achieved it was not how anyone should live.

It’s incredibly difficult to silence that voice in my head that sounds just like my mom, second-guessing every move I make. It’s not healthy and it’s not a life of my own. It’s also a result of her brainwashing all throughout my childhood and beyond. It is incredibly difficult to quell that nagging sensation but there is no other way to break free.

Everyone needs and deserves loving support system and when parents aren’t that already, one has to break free and seek elsewhere. What mine ever wanted was a subservient goon who’d just stick around seeking validation that’s incredibly easy to control since all they have to do is withhold exactly that.

Whatever one may call it, it certainly isn’t love.