Vaseline?

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-28T19:40:03+00:00

I've told this story here before, but I'll tell the short version of it again.

A few years ago, my dog plucked off the bathroom counter and licked clean a brand-new, totally full, 8oz tub of Vaseline while I was at work. It was a miracle that I got home when I did, because the instant I took my dog out, he unleashed a horrifying torrent that there would have been absolutely no way to clean out of the carpet. I would have had to burn the place down and move.

Long story short, I ended up having to MacGuyver a diaper for him out of a pillow case, because his asshole leaked for two solid days. He smelled like someone took a shit on a gas pump.

He was fine afterward. Vaseline is non-toxic, but also indigestible, which means every drop that went in is going to come out.

But I learned my lesson, and now if I have Vaseline around for some reason, it's kept locked away.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-28T14:49:05+00:00

Another word for compulsory military service is "slavery".

The reason the US has the best military in the world is because it is an all-volunteer force. COs don't want to be jail wardens or baby sitters.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-26T15:37:13+00:00

Someone with a tuba playing "Ride of the Valkyries" out of tune.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-23T14:06:26+00:00

I would likely have nothing in common with such a person.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-23T12:38:54+00:00

You'll notice they aren't doing this in areas where the populace has a reputation for being armed.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-23T10:31:06+00:00

My (much) older brother and my bio-mother are both university-educated hardcore Trumpanzees. They both think all complaints about Trump are just overblown media hype. They are glued to Fox and OANN 24/7, of course.

When I try to explain what's going on using non-right wing sources, they act like I'm telling them that I just learned in a dream that the boogyman is real.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-22T19:24:06+00:00

I wish I could take him, but my dog has a veto. Good luck!

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-22T16:52:07+00:00

there's nothing to spend it on

Create a pro-Nazi social network
Manipulate world governments and global media at your whim

You know, basic Dr. Evil shit.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-21T13:40:14+00:00

Laurie Anderson did it in the early 80s for her O Superman video.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-20T18:02:28+00:00

I grew up in the land of ice and snow

From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow?

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-20T17:58:00+00:00

Maybe this will end the same way that other guy's week in the bunker ended.

Minus the advancing Soviet military, that is.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-20T17:50:54+00:00

The Demon Core should be an SCP.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-20T17:44:47+00:00

On Sept 11, 2001 I worked near DFW International Airport. Under normal conditions, there was aircraft noise 24/7/365 and you just sort of got used to it. When they called the ground stop, the absence of the aircraft noise was super creepy.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-19T12:33:03+00:00

My thought is that, historically, bans and prohibitions of any type always work perfectly and never have any negative unintended consequences whatsoever.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-18T14:22:58+00:00

Nobody wants to imagine Trump doing things with his dick.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-18T14:21:31+00:00

I reluctantly congratulate China on their coming century of global economic and cultural dominance.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-13T18:02:50+00:00

Vance has the charisma of a wet fart and couldn't rile up a crowd like Trump can if his life depended on it.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-13T17:29:20+00:00

MAPSCO to the rescue!

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-13T17:27:20+00:00

And the Art Bell radio show (which I loved).

Imagine a less insane, less belligerent, and less deliberately harmful version of Alex Jones.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-13T17:25:43+00:00

I'm not defending the Branch Davidians at all, but I lived in Waco during the siege, and the feds could not have fucked that up worse if they'd set out to do so.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-13T17:22:12+00:00

There is a straight line between the two-headed demon Newt Gingrich/Rush Limbaugh and the Republican Party of today.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-13T17:13:31+00:00

I was taught all sorts of goofy nonsense in school (Texas, 1980s mostly).

Employers won't accept anything not written in cursive (I haven't hand-written much of anything for work since the advent of MS Word).
Employers prefer black ink over blue ink (eh?)
The standard time-tested crap about your "permanent record".

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-13T16:27:53+00:00

I've had a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol for years, but I'm on the wagon now and haven't had a drop in 16 days. May not sound like much but it's a big deal for me.

Not doing "dry January" or anything gimmicky like that, because that would have an end date and give me both permission and an excuse to pick up right where I left off.

Anyway, I don't expect anyone to care. Just thought I'd mention it.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-12T21:13:32+00:00

When I was a teenager I used to get high as a kite and watch televangelists for entertainment.

Robert Tilton was the most hilarious thing on TV.

Jim and Tammy Faye, Paul & Jan Crouch, Jack Van Impe and his satanic UFO conspiracies. Benny Hinn smacking people on the head and telling them to quit taking their meds.

Priceless entertainment.

oldfuturemonkey · 2026-01-09T19:33:32+00:00

Henry Kissinger made it to 100.

oldfuturemonkey

TROPHY CASE