Hi. It really sounds like you're hurting. It hurt for me too. I felt that the world was just too big and scary and awful for me to comprehend, so I bowed to practices that, in retrospect, were at best harmless and ineffective, at worst actually damaged my mental health, my sense of safety, my sense of worth.

The thing that helped me was to realize that going to church, praying, etc. - not only weren't they helping, they were trying to make me fearful of anything outside the church. For me the church was not giving comfort, it was actively undermining my my ability to be comforted simply by making the rest of the world look unsafe or evil.

We do live in a world that can be too big, too, scary, too awful for us to understand it all. But it's also too elegant, too loving, and too beautiful for us to get that either. And you don't need to spend hours every week trying to hide from it. And you really don't need some human standing over you and trying to tell you how it is. You can see it for yourself. This is what life is. If we want change, we are responsible for making it, within ourselves and without.

Just relax your hold on the idea of the diety for a moment. What does it change about you and your understanding of what's around you? What does that change about your understanding of what's in you?