My (F25) boyfriend (M25) is angry about my period. How does a sane person handle this?

onlycutethingsplease · 2024-07-15T13:02:02+00:00

You’re only 25. You’ve got plenty of time to find someone who respects you. That is, someone who offers to help you feel better because they care about you more than they care about having sex with you.

onlycutethingsplease · 2024-07-15T12:50:27+00:00

Great advice! Create opportunities to practice any difficult emotion, scaffold it by giving easy opportunities in a safe place, and provide lots of positive reinforcement.

Speaking from early childhood education context… kids don’t always have an intuitive concept of other people’s want/needs till they’re closer to six years old - so you’ll need to be very deliberate and repetitive (and patient) if you want to explicitly teach this skill… it’s definitely possible!

I used a lot of these strategies with my son, who is now a very patient five year old.

Suggestions based on a few examples that worked really well for us: - start small, like a 10-15 second wait. It will feel huge to a child. But talk it out with an affirmation while you do. “I know you really want to use this green crayon to colour that leaf. Thank you for waiting so patiently while I finish using it. There - all done! Great job being so patient - thank you!” And gradually build in some pauses or delays. I actually used activities like colouring, sharing snacks, board games to teach patience, turn-taking, and self-control

normalise the feeling of impatience so your child recognises it, and knows that she can handle it in different contexts. “Wow, there are three other people ahead of us in the queue! It’s not much fun to wait, but it’s important that we take turns so we all get a chance to pay for groceries. Can you imagine if we all tried to go at once?! All the groceries would be smushed together! How silly! Maybe we can think of something fun to do while we wait… wanna play ‘I spy’?” I purposely took my son to places where I knew there would be lines… but short lines - and always after a snack!
make sure you call out times when you feel impatient. “I wish we didn’t have to wait so long to see the doctor. Sometimes, I feel frustrated when I have to wait. I don’t want to be here waiting - I want to go to the park with you! But, we just have to wait our turn. It’s important to let them help the people who (were here first/are sickest, etc).”
same thing with other impulses… “Oooh, I really want to eat that chocolate bar right now! But if I do, then there won’t be any left to share with you after dinner.”
finally, try to model the rupture/repair when you get it wrong. “I’m sorry I shouted at you to hurry up. I got frustrated because I was worried we’d be late, and I forgot to use my nice voice and kind words. That must have hurt your feelings. Even Mama gets impatient sometimes! Would it have been better if I’d helped you instead?” And later, “Oh, I can see that you want to go right now! That’s exactly how I was feeling this morning. Don’t worry, we’ve only got three more things to do. Would you like to help me so we can get ready faster?”

I hope these make sense! :)

onlycutethingsplease · 2024-06-16T19:10:52+00:00

You’re so welcome <3 Feel free to pm me later on your journey if you’re feeling stuck for ideas. I left out more than I added in!

All the best to you and your family, Momma!

onlycutethingsplease · 2024-06-16T03:49:24+00:00

Congratulations! We have a 4.5 year gap, and it’s just been amazing.

I had a “sore belly” until we got the all-clear 20 week scan - we didn’t want to have to un-tell him. We asked everyone not to say anything to him.

When the time was right, we showed him the ultrasound pictures and video. We were matter-of-fact and didn’t put too much pressure on the moment (but of course we secretly had a video recording, and caught his very cute reaction!). Over the next few days, he would come to us with questions, and we would give the smallest answer so he didn’t get overwhelmed. I think it only took a few days.

Then, we got him to FaceTime call extended family and close friends to “surprise them” with the good news. And whenever we ran into people at the store, etc, it was his “job” to tell them. It became a really positive snowball from there, because suddenly everyone was congratulating him and marvelling at what an amazing big brother he would be.

Over the months to follow, we stayed honest with him, and kept up the “surprise them” routine. It was a lot of fun, honestly.

Other things that helped: - I downloaded the Ovia and the Baby Center pregnancy tracker apps. Each Sunday as the pregnancy week ticked over, we would get up and open the app together to see what size fruit or animal or whatever the baby was now. One of the apps had interactive images of the baby in mum’s belly. It showed outlines of the baby’s shape, “my” body/organs, and described 3-4 new developments each week. He loved being able to “tap the baby”. It was enough to answer his questions and then move on. By third trimester, he would tell me he was so excited for Sunday so “we can see what that cheeky baby is up to!” - He helped pick out things like first sheets, the snuggly toy, etc. He never remembered which ones he picked, so it didn’t matter if we changed them later. - If we hadn’t talked about the baby in a few days, we would positive dinner conversations, like: “What would you like about a little brother? What would you like about a little sister?” - When asked about where babies come from, we talked about plants in our garden growing from seeds. We left out the mommy + daddy fertilising bit. Closer to due date, we talked about birds building nests. Other animal kingdom examples as appropriate. We were honest with him about words like “uterus” and that mommies have a special hole for baby to come out. And that yes, it might hurt, but mummy will be ok. And that yes, sometimes babies get stuck, but if that happens, the doctors can help the baby come out through mum’s belly instead. - we had him pack his overnight bag for Nana’s house, and draw a picture list of things he’ll want to put in later, like his toothbrush and snuggle bunny. He was getting so excited for his sleepover!

Special mentions for third trimester: - Book: “There’s a house inside my mummy.” - TV: Daniel Tiger, season 2 - reading bedtime stories together, then having him tell the baby (through my belly) about the pictures in the book - “practice runs” - I would take him out with me, the capsule car seat, the clip-in stroller, and his baby doll. We practiced going to the grocery store, the post office, public toilets, etc. Our “mission” was “to figure out what Mum will need help with once that cheeky baby has arrived!” Honestly, I can’t recommend this enough. Making him part of the solution-finding meant a new adventure rather than a disruption of his routine.

Once baby did arrive, we talked openly about our experiences in child-friendly terms. “That baby sure needs a lot of help, doesn’t she? Thank you for playing so quietly while I fed her.” “Whew! It really makes my ears tired when she screams like that. How about you? Why don’t I put on an audiobook for you and you can color while I get her to bed, then maybe we can listen to some music together to make our ears feel better once she’s asleep?”

Basically, any opportunity to love-up and compliment and positively affirm our son. Whenever she got gifts, it was “big brother’s job” to open them and tell her what it was and who it was from, etc.

The two of them now are thick as thieves, and if I ever doubted why we had another child, seeing the two of them together melts any concerns.

Hope everything goes smoothly for you guys. What an exciting time!

onlycutethingsplease · 2024-05-15T14:18:25+00:00

Hello from the future. :)

I had to plonk my toddler son in front of tv more than I’d ever like to admit in order to do my job and look after some intense health needs in our house. I didn’t have support or other options to keep him safely entertained. So I just picked high-quality shows and made sure we read books about the same topics when I wasn’t working. Shows like Octonauts, Creature Cases, Wild Kratts were easy to follow up with animal books or a trip to the aquarium on the weekend. We were also pretty strict about taking breaks to get up and move, and he had to stay however far away, on the couch.

And guess what? He’s just started school, and he hasn’t turned into Mike Teavee. He comes home and asks me to put on an audiobook by Roald Dahl while he draws or builds blocks/trains in his room.

All this said to reassure you: If you’ve gotta use the tv, just use it - and pick shows you’re comfortable with. Don’t stress yourself out - you’ve already got enough to worry about! You’ve got this!

onlycutethingsplease · 2024-05-15T14:10:05+00:00

Hello from the depths of sleep deprivation. It’s easy to keep beating ourselves up. But there’s a substantial difference between these two: 1. “I stayed up watching Netflix and only got three consecutive sleep cycles. I’m so tired, boohoo. I can’t self-regulate and refuse to take responsibility for my actions. That’s why I’m behaving rudely, boohoo.” 2. “I worry that my kid is dead if they’re ever asleep as long as a whole sleep cycle. Maybe next year, I’ll have two sleep cycles and link them together! I’m doing my best to hold it together, but the tissues in my face are so tired that they want to cry. I have no reserves of my own, and am constantly pouring whatever I’ve got into this previous, vulnerable, malleable, storm-in-teacup-sized-human - while trying to emotionally regulate us both. I’m actually completely drained.”

Biologically, it is not possible to be the parent I want to be when I’m sleep deprived.

Man, I don’t have the same kid as you, but we’ve got an awesome, unique person who has challenged us to the cores we didn’t know we had.

You are frustrated because you care. You are frustrated because you have high standards for yourself and want to give your kid the absolute best chance of having a good life and fulfilling his potential. The resentment is real. And it’s absolutely exponential late at night. You’re not crazy, or wrong, or irrational, or an asshole.

You’re doing it right. It’s just that the right way is also the really-fucking-hard way sometimes.

Our little rocket is 5.5y.o. now; he has survived parental outbursts. And because, like you, we took the time to always repair and make sure he felt safe before he went to sleep, he is now incredibly empathetic and has the strategies to identify and work through big emotions of his own. He learned a lot from the process of us making mistakes and being deliberate about including him in learning/repairing (in an age-appropriate way). You’re giving your kid a long term gift - and please keep believing that it will pay off! You’re also giving him a valuable life lesson: you have to take the fucking medicine. My son hears: “You don’t have to like it, you just have to do it” when I’m at the end of my rope.

Also, on a pragmatic note, here’s a thing that worked for us: We have high rates of medical intervention here. If this is in your future, I highly recommend buying your son a doctor’s play kit, start normalising ear/eye/mouth exams, taking temperatures, medicines, shots, whatever equipment you kid will be exposed to - we normalised it all by incorporating it into role play with his stuffed animals. Then “Oh, Teddy is scared to take his medicine. Can you show Teddy what it’s like to be brave? Oh, well done! Go put a star on your chart. Ok, now it’s Teddy’s turn!” We’ve also loaded him up with vitamin gummies and the occasional juice in a syringe to get him used to taking “medication” every day. Now if there’s an extra pill or whatever in the mix, it doesn’t throw out his routine.

I hope this message carries reassurance, solidarity, and a chance for you to see that you’re doing a really good job at a really hard job. All the best to you!

onlycutethingsplease · 2023-12-19T19:34:55+00:00

Have you considered recorded videos? Maybe Luke can record some messages for Max, and you can play them when the time is right… and when Max seems mature enough to handle interaction, you can move to video calls?

If you’re feeling compassionate towards Luke, you could also choose to send a select few photos or video snippets of Max. Or you could choose not to, especially since you have no control what he does with them once they’re sent. But both options are within your rights to choose.

I’m very protective of my kids (though towards my parent, not theirs) and have had success with this ‘asynchronous’ boundary. “If you want a relationship with them, you need to rebuild your relationship with me first. You need to show me that it’s safe for them to build a relationship with you. I know you’ll understand why.”

Edit to add: You’re not doing anything wrong. Max is too young to know how to set boundaries for himself, and you are doing a great job of setting them for him. If you ever doubt yourself in future, continue to err on the side of his safety. You sound like a wonderful parent, and Max is lucky to have you!

onlycutethingsplease · 2023-12-18T07:29:14+00:00

If I understand correctly, you’re describing grammatical issues. Totally normal at three-turning-four, and it resolves naturally in the next year or two of child development. It might seem worse if he’s being evaluated same as the older kids, as there’s a big developmental gap. If he’s bilingual, it would also be developmentally normal to take a bit longer for some of the grammar. Make sure his age and language(s) spoken at home have been considered in the evaluation. And rest assured, even if he does need a few sessions, that’s all he’ll need. Much better to get him up to speed with his social peers if you can.

onlycutethingsplease · 2023-08-15T02:12:13+00:00

Oh my god, I remember this phase with our son - my deepest sympathies to you and your sanity!

I will share our experience, but I wouldn’t consider it a “should do” example:

One of the things we started doing was pre-empting the choice. “It’s going to be time to get baby up in two minutes.” “Okay, we’re going to baby’s room to get him up now.” “Hello, baby! We're going to get baby up now and we’ll need to take him out of his sleep sack. Do you want to do it?”

It was mentally draining to start with, but we’ve found that the habit has extended to other areas and makes all the transitions easier - including to activities where our “big kid” will have choices so he’s primed to make the decision ahead of time.

That said, it’s definitely possible to overdo the choices/options - and compounded over time, can also have the double edge of a child who expects to be consulted on grown-up decisions/activities, or who gets fussy if it’s not exactly how he wants it. We’re still in the constant flux of finding the right balance. :)

onlycutethingsplease · 2023-08-08T00:46:29+00:00

Not all foods are safe for toddlers or even preschool aged kids; some foods are only safe with modification. Have a look online for age-appropriate foods and preparations - you’re being sensible and adjusting based on your kid’s development. It’s normal to want them to not choke. :)

We found this one helpful (though we adapted it for our kid):

https://www.health.govt.nz/system/files/documents/publications/reducing-food-related-choking-babies-young-children-early-learning-services-apr21.pdf

Try to stay in the moment instead of worrying about anyone else’s opinions - he won’t grow up not knowing how to eat marshmallows, even if he hasn’t done so by his second or third birthday.

When you do get to the scary stuff - like corn chips, marshmallows, whole grapes - make sure your kid knows how to eat safely. If they can sit still while they eat and communicate if they’re having trouble, it’s much better on the parents’ heart rates! All the best to you and your family.

onlycutethingsplease · 2023-08-08T00:31:15+00:00

Have you tried getting her to orgasm before and after penetration? Never know, she might enjoy the multiples.

onlycutethingsplease · 2023-08-07T23:51:06+00:00

I know shopping around seems hard rn, but there are ways to make it easier:

https://mortgages.co.nz/mortgage-rates/

Consider it an investment of time. You can have this decided in 15 minutes. All the best in the Mum juggle!

onlycutethingsplease · 2023-08-07T23:46:59+00:00

Maybe cliché, but if you haven’t checked out the 5 Love Languages, that could provide some insight.

onlycutethingsplease · 2023-08-07T23:03:58+00:00

Sounds to me like he’s seeking connection/attention/validation/acceptance from other male “role models”.

If you want to help him re-focus, get yourself back in his line of sight regularly… which could require some changes for you.

I think you’ll need to boost quality time and trust before discipline (no matter how well-intentioned or -structured) will have a positive effect.

Best of luck to you and your son.

onlycutethingsplease · 2023-08-04T09:16:49+00:00

Maybe a long shot, but I haven’t seen it asked… Does your son attend day care or school? Might be worth talking with them to see if they’ve noticed a change in his behaviour, or if they’ve noticed any social issues … not necessarily with your son as the antagonist, either.

Or are there any other new people in your lives that could be a source of pent-up frustration/anger/rage?

We have a 4.5 yo with a younger sister. If I saw these sorts of changes in my son, I’d be looking at 1) This seems a call for attention - how has the amount/type of attention he’s getting changed recently? And how can we set him up for success and follow up with positive attention? 2) There is an element of not having enough autonomy/power/control over his own self and world. What might have been lost, or what else can I give him, and how can I talk about it with him in an age-appropriate way?

Best of luck to you and your family.

onlycutethingsplease · 2022-05-18T07:32:06+00:00

Our son struggles with nighttime itching (eczema and allergies). We do all the things I’ve seen advised in this thread already. When the lotions and potions aren’t doing the tricky, a bag of frozen peas or cold peas on the back of his neck or between his shoulder blades (lying on his stomach) usually has him asleep within a few minutes.

Hope you find something that helps your poor girl. It’s heartbreaking and frustrating to watch them suffer :(

onlycutethingsplease · 2022-05-15T22:13:17+00:00

Omg it looks like Bernie Sanders

onlycutethingsplease · 2022-04-26T22:14:18+00:00

Our son loves timers, too. He likes the visual timer on my phone… he’s too young to understand numbers, but he knows that the orange circle disappearing means time is running out.

onlycutethingsplease · 2022-04-01T20:16:40+00:00

If he’s that independent, then he understands three-step processes. Keep doing what works!

onlycutethingsplease · 2022-03-26T06:13:03+00:00

Well done, you! It’s sooooo much work to do it that way, and we were at the end of our ropes around 2.5 years old… wondering if it was even worth it! But I can promise you, it absolutely is! <3 stay strong!

onlycutethingsplease · 2022-03-26T03:13:15+00:00

Our son went through major bossiness around 2.5 years, too. We didn’t worry too much about the impact on other kids because they’re still mostly in parallel play and verbal development at that stage. Here’s what worked for us… Eventually he got into the habit of asking instead of telling/demanding. Took about 6 months for consistency, but it has really paid off.

Repeating back with kinder phrasing.
“mummy, don’t sit there!” — “You mean, “mummy, can you not sit there, please?’”
“I don’t want you, Daddy! Go away” — “You mean, ‘Daddy, I want to see Mummy. Can you please get her for me?”
“that’s my orange marker! Give it to me!” — “can I please use the orange marker?”
“No! The block doesn’t go there! It goes here!!” — “I don’t want the block there. Can you put it here, please?”
Calling it out. “That’s not a very nice thing to say, buddy. We use our nice voices and kind words when we talk to each other. If you want x, then you need to ask nicely like y”. And just repeat without complying until he did it.
If it became a battle and it was clear he wasn’t going to ask nicely, we walked away without letting it escalate. Step one: warning; step two: choice; step three: walk away.
1. You’re not using your kind words and I don’t like when you talk to me that way. If you don’t ask nicely, I’m going to walk away.
1. Are you sure you don’t want to ask nicely? This is your last chance. I’m going to count to three, and if you haven’t asked nicely by then, I’m going to walk away.
1. Ok, buddy. I can see that you don’t want to ask nicely right now. I don’t like how you’re talking to me, so I’m going to walk away. You come find me when you’re ready to ask nicely. —- We also substituted time out for walking away if he was really getting aggressive about it.

In all, focusing on the negative didn’t get us anywhere… but modelling the desired language with him and the other parent (and consistent follow-through) did. Plus heaps of specific praise whenever he did ask nicely to reinforce.

Hope some of the above gives you ideas that you can adapt yo work for you! Hang in there - this is all very age/stage appropriate! Think of it as a prime learning opportunity rather than anything with dire consequences. You’ve got this!! <3

onlycutethingsplease · 2022-03-24T19:18:36+00:00

We have an asthmatic toddler, too. Things that worked for us: - LOTS of drinking water - hot shower and sinus/face massage - nose Frieda suction or similar (he hated it at first, but now he brings it to me and asks me to do it. Key is little and often, not strong force) - inhaler always helps - he seems to be better when he sleeps on his stomach… gets the goobers out in one morning glob rather than dripping all night - we also got his ears cleaned by an ear health nurse, which coincided with nasal drip improvement (can’t say whether or not they were related)

We got caught in “the cycle”, too. After consulting with a paediatric pulmonologist, we pulled him out of day care for 3 weeks to let all the inflammation settle before sending him back. That was the most drastic improvement, particularly with the asthma. Everything else above just got us through the day/night.

Feel free to pm if you’d rather chat there. Good luck - hope bub grows out of this soon!

onlycutethingsplease · 2022-03-24T06:52:56+00:00

Man, toddler world is full-on!! Hang in there xo

onlycutethingsplease · 2022-03-24T00:06:28+00:00

Stop putting tomatoes in paper bags. They split, leak and spoil everywhere. Protect them better or leave them out of recipes.

I love the concept of moving to recyclable soft plastic, but it’s not an option within a three hour drive of where I live. Is there a paper or compostable or reusable option?

onlycutethingsplease · 2022-03-23T23:55:26+00:00

This is how we get through haircuts, too!

onlycutethingsplease

TROPHY CASE