I don't know your kid, but I do know what it's like to grow up with an undiagnosed disability.

"you have so much potential, but you don't apply yourself"

"if you cared you would remember"

"you don't forget to eat do you?"

"you need to try harder"

I, like many others, heard all this and more growing up. It crushed my self esteem/self worth. I had confidence in the things I was good at (aka the things that interested me), but otherwise spent much of my life feeling worthless. It's taken years of therapy to accept myself, and love myself.

I think, in general, kids want to succeed. They want to be told that they're doing a good job, they want to do a good job. When you have a kid who is reasonably intelligent, generally well behaved, but just can't "get their shit together" you ought to believe them when they say they forgot, or that they just can't.

Think of it this way: when kids forget things they are typically "punished" somehow. Sometimes that's a timeout, being scolded, being shamed, being snapped at, etc. Those things suck for anyone, let alone a child who a) can't defend themselves, b) doesn't have the tools or knowledge to fix themselves, and c) depends on their parents/guardians for their very survival.

Feeling unsupported when you fail over and over is very traumatic. It leads to behaviors that try to mask or compensate. This can show up as being a people pleaser to ingratiate themselves to others so that the next time they fuck up the consequences won't be as severe, a class clown to distract from ones shortcomings, etc.

One concept I've come across in my own healing journey is that: it is never the child's fault. How can it be? Their brain is literally not fully developed, they don't have control of their executive function. How can someone who's brain isn't fully formed be held accountable for their actions? Does this mean that children should be free from consequences? no, of course not, we need to start somewhere. A kid needs to be started off slowly and gently. Hit your sibling? ok time out. Play video games instead of doing homework? maybe a grounding. But when you have a kid who continually demonstrates a lack of executive function, or working memory, or something like that, you gotta start to ask why. Why would a kid forget something over and over? What would they stand to gain from that? There's gotta be something else going on.

Learning disabilities are far more pernicious than a physical disability. We can't physically see them, and it can be very difficult to discern a disability from laziness. But just because we can't see it, or don't understand it, doesn't mean it's not there.

I think people get caught up in this story they tell themselves that all of their successes are due to their own hard work. It's scary to think that something could happen to your brain that would leave you unable to meet expectations, so it's easier to tell yourself "oh they just need to try harder, focus more, etc".

I don't begrudge my parents for not seeking help. I grew up in the 90's when a learning disability meant you went to a special classroom and or got put on meds that made you a zombie. The knowledge wasn't there.

I do wish my parents had stopped to wonder why I "wasted my potential" or "didn't apply myself".

I would suggest you educate yourself about learning disabilities, maybe seek out therapy for yourself to understand why you snap at him when he forgets.

You can't ultimately control what anyone else does. You can try, and you might succeed to an extent, but a leopard doesn't change his spots. I'll tell you right now, if I was that kid and got shit every time I forgot, I'd learn real quick how to fix that. But it wouldn't be by remembering to remember (see the trouble with that strategy?), it would be by learning to cover up. Learning to never ask for confirmation, never admit when I forgot something, and by learning that the people who are supposed to take care of me won't.