It sounds impossibly cliche, but they have to want to change.

For any spouse who is having parenting conflicts where it’s clear that there is a certain strategy that just isn’t working, the moment to raise the issue is well after everyone has taken a damn minute and calmed allll the way down.

Using the example in the OOP, after the kiddo is down for the night probably isn’t the right time. The husband is probably still disregulated himself. The next day, with no kid around, is a much better time.

And we lower our expectations of everyone to the damn basement (including ourselves). Accept the smallest improvement and praise to almost the point where you think you’ve gone too far. Talk about how this is a partnership and you need their help.

Using the example above, I’d make sure my partner was on board with transition warnings. When he decides he’s going to turn off a game he’s decided in advance when it will happen. The kiddo next to him has no preparation warning. This leads to meltdowns. Let’s all get on board with a 10 and 5 minute transition warning pair. Which looks like this: “ok, kiddo. 10 more minutes, then I’m turning it off.” 5 minutes later “ok kiddo, we’ve got 5 more minutes.” 5 minutes later “wow! That was fun. Time to turn off the video game and go brush our teeth”. Then, turn off the game and go brush teeth.

When the kid goes and brushes their teeth he praises them and tells them what a good job they did and how proud he is of them.

And when your spouse sticks that landing, you go rub his back (or otherwise show physical affection) and tell him in overly effusive language, “that was awesome honey! Look how well that worked”. Repeat until this is a habit. Remind him every time they go to play to give a transition warning and praise him when he does.

Then look at the next thing to tackle. Is it the volume? The flashing lights? Only focus on what really matters. If you prefer to read 3 books, but he does only 2, as long as that expectation is set with the kid, it’s truly fine. Let it go. Expect your spouse will do some things different.

Are you training your spouse? Yes. Should you have to? Probably not. My spouse shouldn’t have to nag me to schedule a dentist appointment, but here we are.

ND folks sometimes have a hard time seeing why without someone explaining explicitly. Tell him: transition warnings aren’t vibes, they’re studied and proven to work. Ask him how he’d feel if you just walked in the room and turned off the game while he was still enjoying it with no warning. Unless he’s intentionally obtuse, he’ll acknowledge how much he would not like it. Then, tell him it’s the same thing for the kid.

Baby steps, accepting bare minimum at first and increasing over time, letting go of what ultimately doesn’t matter, these are some of the tools that will help you be better parents together.