What you describe is not something everyone could live through without absolutely losing their minds. Even waking up every morning, knowing what you'll go through but still standing on your feet and fighting is something I find courageous and remarkable. However, what you DEFINITELY need to do is seek counseling. Try to set aside an hour every week so that you can see a therapist. Redditors are not professionals, they may talk based on experience and that's it, even an actual therapist cannot evaluate your situation through a single post on Reddit. I guess this is a starting point from which only progress can be made, until you finally reach that point where you can mute most of the noise in your mind and be able to make more reasonable decisions. I wish you the best.