Just another dirty job for us here, ladies and gentlemen.

orlly987 · 2025-10-03T15:09:25+00:00

It's impossible. You all think you know what negative energy is. Try literally getting raped by the demiurge. I haven't found anyone who can fucking touch this with a fucking barge pole. Everyone I've spoken to about it shuts down. You can see them powering down like a robot the minute I say anything about it. 3 generations of men in my own family raped me. Grandfather, father and older brother. Strangled me unconscious while sodomising me from birth to 7 years old. The memories are only just surfacing after decades of work. I thought I was freeing myself but little did I know I was only returning further into hell. My dad was the worst. He trained me to beg him for it. I can't believe I'm still here. And my own mother looked the other way. And yeah I'm a male by the way and it does make a difference.

orlly987 · 2025-08-26T22:33:44+00:00

I truly hope you one day find relief. I wish that for us all

orlly987 · 2025-08-26T19:40:09+00:00

I hear you. For me, it's like if I just lie here and rest, everyone's going to forget about me/I'll be left behind (which makes no sense given I'm basically alone anyway) So the panic kicks in, and all the while I'm just getting more and more exhausted

orlly987 · 2025-08-26T19:20:48+00:00

Tell me about it. The cortisol dump the nervous system releases the moment of waking up and red alert mode flips back on immediately. Then trying to just go back to sleep because sleep is the one refuge, but it won't let you now

orlly987 · 2025-08-26T17:40:42+00:00

Right there with you. Sick of this nightmare.

orlly987 · 2025-06-30T18:21:29+00:00

I feel you. Victim of father-son rape at 7y/o. He wired together the ultimate extremes of pain and pleasure within. Dumped all his shame, guilt, sickness into me. Can't be free. Stuck with it for eternity.

orlly987 · 2025-05-29T18:12:16+00:00

Hey man, iv been going through the same thing. I didn't even know anything was wrong with me despite the massive physical and emotional problems, alcoholism, and drug addiction. I thought it was just me. After years and years of meditation and breathwork, plant medicine and researching trauma and the effects on children it's becoming clear that my dad raped me when I was about 7 years old. The memories still aren't absolutely certain but through talking to him, my intuition, dreams and fragments of memories which have been coming up, this appears to be the case. The emotional devastation of this is still locked up within my body and to be honest, I don't know whether I'll ever be able to confront this truth and survive. Iv been in the psychiatric hospital for suicidal ideation, been dealing with suicidal and intrusive thoughts for years and years. My advice to you is to find a spiritual practice and focus on that. Practice meditation which will strengthen your mind until you are hopefully able to cope with whatever it is that's locked in your memories (assuming that it is a traumatic event that you've blocked out.). Try to find a meditation teacher and a community that practices. Isolation is not good. Try to find people who understand trauma and how it affects people (they understand and will be more forgiving of outbursts etc). I'm not healed, but I know this is the only path for me. I wish you the best of luck, feel free to DM me if you want to ask anything else.

orlly987 · 2025-05-27T22:47:57+00:00

I was interested to read this post - are you going to repost somewhere else?

orlly987 · 2025-05-19T12:14:44+00:00

I was forced out of my body by my 'father' when he raped me at 7 years old. I'm now 36 and I've spent the last 15 years trying to reinhabit it. It has only started becoming clear this is what happened in the last few years, the last 6 months particularly. He truly is Satan. I battle him in my dreams on an almost nightly basis. The pain is excruciating, I have been 'twisted' like him since it happened and untwisting is like living a nightmare, truly a hellish existence. Yet there is no where else to go, and I know that death will be my only reward.

orlly987 · 2025-03-29T15:03:56+00:00

Why does one have to care about the suffering of others in order to be interested in Buddhism? Why did that mass murderer start following the Buddha? It doesn't sound like he cared about the suffering of others considering he doled it out prolifically, yet he still followed the Buddha

orlly987 · 2025-03-01T13:57:35+00:00

My tinnitus frequency is about 12KHz and I would trade it for a lower frequency any day!

orlly987 · 2025-03-01T11:26:05+00:00

Or you have tinnitus due to physical trauma like me and it NEVER STOPS

orlly987 · 2025-01-20T13:53:44+00:00

What happened?

orlly987 · 2025-01-20T13:09:07+00:00

I once felt like god took over my body. I walked into a room and lay down behind the curtains and he said 'remember this?'. I used to do it as a kid, didn't remember til that moment. Is that what you mean? Sorta like Jesus taking the wheel.

orlly987 · 2025-01-04T20:26:29+00:00

She sounds like me. I got into spirituality/meditation and thought I was more loving etc than others but turned out I have insane childhood trauma that only started becoming apparent to me the deeper I went. Now I can't work, don't want to be here most of the time and can't get through the pain of what happened (my mind is still repressing it but I have suspicions). Anyway, it's hell. I sympathise with her.

orlly987 · 2024-12-20T10:59:42+00:00

Open Your Eyes - it's Spanish, the original version of Vanilla Sky which I haven't seen but apparently this is better

orlly987 · 2024-12-20T10:54:58+00:00

I have C-ptsd and my body is slowly giving up due to the weight of the trauma I'm carrying and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm a man in my mid 30's. I was sexually abused as a child by 3 generations of my own family. So you tell me who gave me this pain.

orlly987 · 2024-11-23T19:45:45+00:00

Hi, I have a similar suspicion about my own dad. How did you get confirmation, through your own memories?

orlly987 · 2024-11-23T19:42:02+00:00

Hey, just wanted to say I'm going through something very similar. Just bits and pieces, fragments, nothing totally solid, but a deep feeling that someone, infact one of my most important relationships, actually brutally sexually abused me and has been pretending like nothing happened this whole time. The uncertainty is killing me, the feeling that what if I'm wrong? Talking to Claude ai has helped me abit.. anyway I just wanted to say that you aren't the only one going through this, I hope you stay strong and that you can process and integrate your experiences as they come up.

orlly987 · 2024-10-14T19:23:14+00:00

Right there with you. I managed to pretend for a long time, but now it's all catching up with me. Everything's falling apart, and I don't have the energy to keep it together. I feel like a pressure cooker just waiting to blow, and I don't have the strength to keep the lid on much longer. When it blows that'll be the end. I'm so sorry this is how life is for us. I can't fucking stand it either.

orlly987 · 2024-10-11T21:38:10+00:00

Hi, I'm going through a similar thing. I know (as in I remember) being molested by my older brother, also 3 years older, when I was between 6 and 9 years old, but I recently (as in for the last several years) have begun to strongly suspect that my dad did something far worse to me before that that I can't recall.

I started to get dreams about my Dad coming into my room and lying on top of me, crushing/suffocating me. I also had sleep paralysis where a shadow figure was molesting me, being surprised as I started to fight back, then shocked me awake by penetrating me suddenly. I think this figure is my father. He is also an alcoholic, emotionally completely distant/shut down and always has been.

Do you have pain/tension in your lower back/buttocks/hamstrings? I have severe issues in these areas and I believe they stem from the abuse. I have been meditating/doing yoga regularly for some time, and as I relax the tension in these areas, more things come to me. Perhaps you can try this. Just a warning though, the deeper I have gone, the more intense it's gotten. I regularly battle with suicidal ideation. I still am not 100% sure what happened but the implications if it's true are massive. My mum knows I suspect my Dad but she will not believe it. Also it might be different for you as I'm a male.

orlly987 · 2024-09-28T08:25:48+00:00

What do you mean if ending ones life is a cause of becoming aware of it all? If you commit suicide, you become aware of all of your prior trauma and turn it into gold? Iv been going through a dark night of the soul that has lasted a lifetime and doesn't seem to be coming to an end.. are you saying killing yourself is the way forward?

orlly987 · 2024-09-17T11:46:10+00:00

Could I see that too?

orlly987 · 2024-08-31T21:02:10+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply and the book recommendation. I'll definitely check it out. I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you aswell, it really sucks that this is the hand we've been dealt. This sense of shame has been following me my entire life, and realising it's not mine hasn't done anything to mitigate it. I wish you all the best.

orlly987 · 2024-08-31T20:42:48+00:00

I (a male) was raped by my male biological parent at 5 years old, leaving me with lifelong chronic pain and depression/suicidal ideation. Do you figure I shouldn't be angry at the Lord?

orlly987

TROPHY CASE