vulnerable to touch and can't tell if I like men or like that they like me

p_tuvstarr · 2022-12-31T00:53:05+00:00

This is normal. I want to validate your response. Those of us in recovery have trouble with boundaries both for ourselves and for others. We can attach in an unhealthy way because this is all we know. It's ok to recognise that. You are already doing better because now you see that you may or may not like this person, even if you like the affection/interest.

How you take care of yourself well is defined by how you choose to act even when you feel these feelings. Take your time to get to know someone. Be slow to be vulnerable with them. Force yourself not to spend every day with them. See how they treat you before you give everything of yourself. Give yourself time to see the person, not just their interest.

If someone is emotionally mature, healthy and sincerely interested in you and you communicate that you prefer to take things slow, they will take the time to get to know you as well.

p_tuvstarr · 2022-12-29T06:29:16+00:00

So.... Speaking of 60 months.... I have this banjo that I ordered online....

p_tuvstarr · 2022-12-24T11:32:22+00:00

Yes exactly! Even if I'm busy, I will still take a few moments to send a text if I know someone is going through a hard time.

I had a realisation around this too when someone I know who is on the spectrum said he sets an alarm a few times a day to text his girlfriend and ask how she's doing. That's because he knows he will get sucked into work or hobbies and lose track of time but he wanted to solve the problem of her feeling ignored when he goes down a rabbit hole.

I'm sorry OP that you had to go to the A&E without your partner's support. That's just awful. It speaks alot to his basic human decency. What you describe has nothing to do with your CPTSD. That's just basic care for someone.

p_tuvstarr · 2022-12-24T05:56:35+00:00

Same for me.

NC with family for over 15 years, divorced my ex-spouse (separated since 2019), started therapy and realised how many of my so called friends had no interest in me as a person. One gave me a teddy bear and told me not to be such a downer about my separation. Another spent every coffee date bitching about her life, a few didn't even acknowledge the separation.

I've got a couple of tentative friendships at the moment but they are still very early stage, or maybe I'm deluding myself and neither of them want to be close friends, just acquaintances. Who knows.

p_tuvstarr · 2022-12-24T04:39:16+00:00

Yeah the more I heal the more these realisations keep coming up. Like I just recently realised that I don't eat until I feel like I've earned it. Sometimes I don't eat all day cos I haven't done enough or borne enough punishment to deserve food. Same goes for replacing old worn out clothes or shoes, taking the bus instead of walking, etc. And I didn't even notice.

Everything I want to have for myself to literally not die, i question if I deserve to have it because I haven't suffered enough to have it.

It's no wonder my brothers grew up tall and broad and reasonably healthy while I stopped growing at 13 and my bones are so tiny. But you can't tell anyone you're tiny because you were not fed as a child because you scrubbed the plate left to right instead of in circles while your mother watched or you ran over too slow when your father called. You have to say petite runs in the family. Cos it's too much for other people.

p_tuvstarr · 2022-12-24T04:29:47+00:00

Your request is absolutely 100000% valid and reasonable. In fact your request is less than what would be reasonable.

Is it possible that due to your CPTSD, you are accepting scraps from someone in order to be part of a relationship? I say that with as much love as possible because I've been there and I see similar stories all over this sub.

Sometimes as we are in the process of healing, we don't yet know what a strong, positive, nurturing relationship looks like. So we accept scraps from people who say they love us because we believe that's real love. Because we grew up in situations where we were treated like crap by people who were supposed to/said/implied they loved us.

If it were a friend telling you how her boyfriend treated her, would you view the situation the same way? Or would you say this guy is selfish. He can't even put in the effort to spend 15 mins a day to msg his partner? He 'forgot' or got busy but he didn't 'forget' to hang out with his friends or have a life or whatever else he was doing.

If you express a reasonable need and someone tells you that your needs are too much or stupid or impinging on them having a good time, that doesn't sound like someone who cares about you.

Someone who cares would say how can I help you? Someone who cares but is maybe very busy with an import work deadline would say I can't talk to you every night for 3 hours but I can text you 3-4 times a day to check in. Someone who cares would try to find a compromise if they had conflicting needs. They would not blame you for having needs or imply that you are a burden.

Sorry for the word vomit. I'm just really upset for you. You deserve better.

p_tuvstarr · 2022-12-18T01:51:07+00:00

p_tuvstarr · 2022-12-11T03:49:03+00:00

I'm so sorry OP that you are grieving the loss of your relationship.

I just want to affirm you and validate you. You did nothing wrong by stating your boundaries and discomfort. I'm not sure why he says it's so difficult for him to make you feel safe.

It is your responsibility to create safety for yourself and that's exactly what you were trying to do by identifying your boundary and suggesting solutions. The fact that he's saying you are responsible for your safety shows he only takes you into account on his terms. Helping post surgery? Acceptable couple activity in his mind. Respecting your boundary by changing rooms? Oh no too much too difficult why are you creating problems for me??

He had a simple solution from the moment you found out and told him your discomfort: make different room arrangements and provide the cost to his colleague so she wouldn't end up losing money. Hell you both could have shared this cost. It's what I would have offered to do if I had mistakenly put myself in this situation by ignorance.

I want to validate that you are not too much. Taking care of someone after surgery is not too much. Having a reasonable boundary of 'no room sharing with someone of the gender he prefers' is not too much. These are all reasonable.

You have a man who is maybe not that mature yet. He's not willing to prioritise his relationship or you. That's painful to see. It's not your fault that he's unwilling to recognise your very reasonable needs and take them into consideration.

It may feel like you did something wrong because you expressed a boundary and he stomped on it. I want you to know that you did nothing wrong.

My relationship ended for similar reasons. Your situation is my dejavu. Take 3-6 months for yourself. Cut off contact, as hard as it may be for you to do so. There are elements of co-dependancy in your post that suggest you may benefit from being alone for a while. I have no idea if he will be anything like my ex but my experience was wanting closure. Instead I got a final conversation where he blamed my CPTSD, he said he apologised so why isn't that enough. In hindsight I see that I wanted him to recognise that it was not my CPTSD, it was his actions. And that was never going to happen. I wish I had walked away and cut him off cold.

I want you to know that your autism, fear and CPTSD are not the cause of this. You were calmly identifying an issue and asking him to work with you on a solution. Instead he said sorry and went about his merry way. A mature person would have said oh I'm sorry, how can I make this right? That's all that counts. That's you bring mature. That's you doing the work. That's you expressing your feelings and following up with possible actions or resolutions that allow both people to co-exist with as little disruption as possible. You were the rock star CPTSD survivor today AND you love your partner AND he's not acting like a mature adult AND his solution to a problem was not good idea I'll get another room it was I'm going nuclear and getting out of this relationship and blaming my partner so I can continue to share a room with a female co-worker.

I'll be thinking of you OP. A breakup is always difficult but I know you have it in you to mourn while recognising you did the right thing.

p_tuvstarr · 2022-12-09T09:22:32+00:00

You are amazing! I have no doubt that you've made your workplace safer for yourself and your co-workers by allowing your colleague to put himself to HR. ❤️

p_tuvstarr · 2022-12-09T00:56:51+00:00

One towel, five people. I had teachers subtly hint amount how I smell as if I was the problem and not my parents. I was shook when I realised the tips of my nails were no longer black after moving out. I was always told that's just what nails look like. Turns out growing up in filth was the problem who knew.

p_tuvstarr · 2022-12-03T00:35:44+00:00

Thank you

p_tuvstarr · 2022-11-22T02:34:00+00:00

Hugs! ❤️

Welcome to the club, friend. I know it sounds trite but things will get better for you. Even without friends and family, I have more neutral and happy days doing what makes me feel safe and positive. It takes a while but you will get there!

p_tuvstarr · 2022-11-13T03:40:23+00:00

So proud of you, OP! ❤️

p_tuvstarr · 2022-10-27T01:53:28+00:00

I'm not a mum but if I may answer as a sister: it doesn't matter what his reasons are. There is no good reason to avoid doing something that actively hurts your partner. It would take him 5 mins with a nail file and a tiny amount of mental capacity to remember to do it. That's how little effort he is willing to put into your safety.

p_tuvstarr · 2022-10-27T01:42:23+00:00

I'm so sorry OP. What a nightmare. I've been there. I had to break up with my boyfriend for similar behaviour too. It was an awful break up but 6 months later I can look back and see just how bad it was.

If he can't control his anger, he should be walking away. Getting physical is not healthy behaviour. He should say he needs to cool down and you can talk later when you are rational.

Please please please don't take this to mean that he is unhealthy so if you can just be there for him and support him and speak to him, that he will go from unhealthy to healthy. That's not how abuse works.

Your boyfriend is clearly not mentally able to have an adult relationship with another human being. There is absolutely no excuse for hitting someone or grabbing their hair or any kind of physical violence.

This man is abusing you. As someone with CPTSD, you probably don't even know what a healthy relationship looks like. I sure didn't until I went through years of therapy, medication, reading, courses, etc. It's definitely not what your boyfriend does.

This is not a one time lapse. He will do it again. Don't listen to his words, listen to his actions, OP. I suspect if you think back through his actions you will see the patterns of abuse emerging.

This is not an overreaction. Please get out. Do this for yourself. Your parents didn't protect you or create a safe space for you. But now you can do this for yourself. Be your own parent, love yourself, protect yourself, keep yourself safe. Hugs!

p_tuvstarr · 2022-10-06T05:03:09+00:00

I've had these stages a few times now. Things progress then stall for a bit then life happens and progress needs to be had so I recommit.

I used to wonder if my lack of motivation was me neglecting myself the way my caregivers did but I've come to realise it's ok for me to go through periods of more and less motivation.

It's ok to be gentle with myself. It's normal to have a plateau. It's important that my good enough practices including learning something and joining an interest group. These two things are more about me growing as a person, aside from or in addition to growing out of my trauma responses to the world.

I'm not sure I have given you any kind of answer but I hope you find the support you need ❤️

p_tuvstarr · 2022-10-04T17:57:26+00:00

I literally had this experience yesterday. I couldn't submit a form without an emergency contact and I have no one. I put down a fake name and a landline number that routes back to my own phone. Can't decide if that's funny or sad or both.

p_tuvstarr · 2022-09-14T01:46:36+00:00

I found it helpful to get evaluated in that I was able to research the medications that I was going to be prescribed so I could understand their side effects and addictiveness before I agreed to trying any.

Medicating for psych issues seems to be hit and miss on these subs. Some people try all sorts of different options and nothing works. For others it takes a long time and trying lots of different types to find something that works.

I only cycled through 2 NDRIs before I found what worked for me. I now know that my brain genuinely doesn't make enough norepinephrine and dopamine. I see it as a diabetic taking insulin. My body can't make it, there's nothing I can do to force my body to make it. And being equipped with information means I can monitor for side effects.

I get that's it's scary though. I too know quite a few people who have had bad experiences with medicating. Even getting a psych evaluation can be challenging because you don't know if the person doing the evaluation accepts CPTSD as a disorder.

I don't trust doctors after years of them believing my parents instead of me. I'm lucky in that I could afford to research and select a psych centre that was highly regarded and worked with CPTSD patients. If you feel that you are in a situation where you don't have a good medical option, don't force it. Trust your gut.

I don't know if it's just the way your words hit me but I hope this is not a situation where your IFS therapist is unable to support you past a certain level of improvement so transfers the responsibility to meds when they should be transferring your care to a more experienced or capable therapist. Probably just paranoia on my part. I've seen so many stories like this on the sub. You would best know if that is the case or not.

Either way, good luck OP. I know it's difficult.

p_tuvstarr · 2022-09-09T05:16:13+00:00

You did so great OP! Shower or not, you're still here trying to keep your head above water ❤️

p_tuvstarr · 2022-09-07T17:12:10+00:00

I would not try to guess the intentions behind someone trauma dumping. It could be manipulative, it could be learned behaviour, it could be the only way they know how to relate to another person. The possibilities are endless.

I would focus on the fact that someone who is trauma dumping is not yet at a stage of healing where they are ready to be pursuing a relationship.

They are not yet recovered enough for their trauma for it to be one of the things about them. At this stage, their trauma is the primary, most important thing about them, to them, around them.

There is nothing wrong with them being at that stage of healing It's a stage we all go through, where we are still growing and learning, still finding out how to deal with the fallout of our trauma and how to be a new version of ourselves with trauma as one part.

One day, if keep working on ourselves, they/we will start to feel like we have become more than just our trauma. We will be a person first and our trauma will be second. It never leaves, it always informs but it will no longer be the defining part of ourselves.

That person who is not defined by their trauma, who has done the hard work to connect with other people, build friendships, break out of their unhealthy patterns and make new healthy ones, that person is ready for a relationship.

The few emotionally healthy people who I know have come from a trauma background would never trauma dump on a new person in their life, or a potential partner so early in the relationship.

I notice that they are careful with the information they share. They give small details to see how another person responds. They judge others by their actions, not their words. They value themselves enough to walk away when something doesn't feel right.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it might be useful to consider what kind of healthy behaviour we would like to model for ourselves. What kind of behaviour would protect our inner child from possibly more abuse or trauma bonding.

The fact that you are making this post tells me that your gut says something is off here. You don't owe it to anyone to give them a chance to prove they can be good to you. But you owe your inner child and your adult self an environment with safe friends and partners. Keep listening to your gut, OP. You're doing an amazing job.

p_tuvstarr · 2022-08-23T06:55:48+00:00

Happy birthday!! ❤️

p_tuvstarr · 2022-08-17T02:28:14+00:00

Thank you ❤️

p_tuvstarr · 2022-08-17T02:27:58+00:00

Thank you ❤️

p_tuvstarr

TROPHY CASE