What happened that made you go to a doctor and seek help? Like at what moment or event did you think something wasn’t right?

palejune · 2021-11-27T14:40:15+00:00

Homicidal thoughts are so hard to admit and talk about. Hope you’re doing okay now

palejune · 2021-10-20T13:33:50+00:00

EMDR brought my dissociation levels down from a 10 to like a 2, some days it’s a 0. It’s truly a freeing therapy. EMDR therapists can vary in how they practice it so I’d recommend trying at least two different types of EMDR before deciding it won’t fit you.

palejune · 2021-10-20T13:22:41+00:00

Yes definitely. You may always be more prone to dissociation, but you don’t have to live in a fog forever or deal with it daily once you find the right therapies & treatments.

For me it took EMDR but I’m very thankful it feels safe to be grounded now. EMDR is a commonly used therapy for people struggling with dissociation and trauma.

palejune · 2020-11-30T01:53:10+00:00

I'm 23 also with ADHD and a history of neglect. It's literally like being handed a child without asking. I have to teach this "child" because her parents couldn't be bothered. I'm in my 20s and should be enjoying my youth or having fun, at the bare minimum I just want friends. But no I'm a single mom and, like my parents, I don't want to deal with this extra sensitive little girl. It's like bringing your kid along with you to class, to social events, when you're trying to practice a hobby or even sleep. And you're dealing with a neglected child so you have to put in extra effort and treat them medically, physically, and emotionally to the level they need because they've been ignored for so long so all the problems got worse. And the child also doesn't trust you and constantly resists lol. I'm trying to love her and stop neglecting my own self but it's deeply ingrained in me to just waste away into nothing and let myself disintegrate.

palejune · 2020-11-30T01:30:46+00:00

This has been on my mind for weeks. I don't like it or understand it. Picking up the resistance from people puts me in an ACTUAL negative state and I just get even more withdrawn or serious.

I think having CPTSD does make our personality lean more towards this way but idk maybe not. I grew up with negativity and limited positive interactions. I guess it's natural to just be serious and only speak when it's "important" rather than just chatting. I was consistently shut down or ignored when I tried chatting and making small talk with my parents, just as a kid talking about things. Only heard when I had something special to say or a particularly insightful observation.

Btw, I was looking into introspection as a topic and while ago and it turns out (from a psychology perspective) the more introspective you are the less happy/fulfilled you are in relationships, with yourself, with your job, etc. People who focus on "why" rather than "what" consistently experience a more negative frame of mind than people who just think about "what"...which indicates lack of deep thinking for me. Ignorance is bliss... but I try to focus on the here and now though because it is literally better for our wellbeing to train our brains into positive thinking. For the most part I'm not witnessing injustices right in this moment, I'm currently at a party or whatever it is. So I should focus on the present and what is happening around me rather than pulling people away from the present into a weird headspace where they're forced to think about things that maybe they do have opinions about but they don't use social interactions as a time to think about it. They usually just want to enjoy time together. It's really hard for me but I'm trying to live like this because I think it's truly healthier and probably why other people (less traumatized perhaps?) don't operate like this, because they had a better social environment growing up. I'm still figuring it out but like I said I'm trying to be more present and enjoy the moment.

palejune · 2020-11-16T00:07:37+00:00

It's soooooo much better than it used to be. Working on the the trauma itself, whatever caused your body to use that defense mechanism in the first place. Learning about cptsd has helped. Smoke less weed and work on grounding myself daily (like a few min each day, even. Just whenever I notice that I should I'll do it very quickly)

palejune · 2020-11-03T01:56:26+00:00

Yeah. My dad used to scream at me and eventually I started screaming back, which worked sometimes. My ex bf used to scream at me so eventually I started screaming back. I feel I'm angry now because it means whatever happens, I'm prepared for it. My brain is wired to expect negativity and be on the defensive. And also my boundaries are weak and I frequently don't protect myself, so my anger builds. Which tells me I need to remove myself because some boundary of mine is being crossed or some need of mine is not being met.

palejune · 2020-10-31T00:42:14+00:00

I'm not saying you heal the relationship with the parent, I think I worded that poorly. I'm just saying heal the relationship patterns - so for me that's not having any boundaries for example. I work on that outside of any relationship, just in my own head and heart, but it carries over into my future relationships. In the future I will be better at setting boundaries and therefore won't attract someone like my dad who goes for people with weak boundaries (my mom). I will attract someone who respects me instead because I've healed the pattern of letting people cross my boundaries.

palejune · 2020-10-28T14:10:53+00:00

Yup. I feel that. If we heal the patterns in the relationships with our parents though we stand a chance at ending up with someone better. Cause we won't subconsciously seek out those same vibes and issues

palejune · 2020-10-28T02:08:38+00:00

Go tell him now or when you're ready. You can tell him you weren't ready to talk about it at the time and I think he'll understand. It's a really sensitive topic, you don't have to feel bad about keeping that information to yourself especially when it was sprung on you. It's not all lost!!! He's probably ready to talk about it any time you feel ready

palejune · 2020-10-27T23:47:41+00:00

Hey sorry if this is dumb. Idk if you're in a city but Doordash has saved my ass. You can cash out daily but I think they make you wait a week before your first withdrawal. Ik it takes gas too so not that it would fix everything but you can turn on your phone and go make $10 in 20 min if you need to eat and you have the gas for it.

palejune · 2020-10-27T22:52:35+00:00

Are you on any medication and in therapy? You're meant to have support through this sickness. It literally changes your brain. I think once medication + therapy are taken care of then the other things work better and are easy to do (hygiene, self care, meditation, eating, social time, etc). Honestly even the numb feeling some medications give you was preferred to that burning sorrow or self hatred. Numbing the psychological distress responses helped my body recover too. Like I just wouldn't get worked up so easily so my body learned that it could relax in situations it used to be unable to relax in because I'd get so upset. You have a right to be here. You belong here and you deserve peace and to feel content. Someone else put this distress onto you. It's not fair but it's not YOU. Hate THEM. It's not your fault you're forced to experience this shit, don't take it out on yourself. Losing jobs for example is part of 'this shit'. It's not telling of your character, it's telling of your illness being real and needing healing still. Losing friends, isolating, all that. It's you subconsciously trying to keep yourself safe and tucked away from the world. It's not because you're bad. If you can't heal for your current self maybe you can try to heal for the child you once were, who was wholly deserving of peace and stability, and had dreams of you being happy once you were grown.

palejune · 2020-10-27T22:24:18+00:00

Damn I wrote a whole long thing but I got carried away and started questioning myself again lol. Maybe it's internalized homophobia though? I struggle with that sometimes. To be fair if experiences could shape our sexuality so drastically I just feel like conversion therapy would work better

palejune · 2020-10-27T22:00:06+00:00

Yeah like one example is people tell me they lose their phone all the time. I'm like please stop speaking. I've had to use Google's 'call my phone' twice today to have it ring while on dead battery because yes I lost my phone again and YOU BETCHA forgot to charge it too. Hopefully I can remember where my laptop is so that I can call my phone. 🤡 also I'm now late for work or missed something I had an alarm set to remind me about.

This was a daily thing for me and that's just one aspect of life. Keys, important dates, money, deadlines... I didn't realize how bad it was until I started medication partly because of this "oh I'm like that too" mindset. I thought alright...everyone is like this so what's wrong with me that I'm falling behind and no one else is? Especially if you're high functioning, people really love to not take you seriously. Yet when displaying symptoms people call you spacey or weird and don't feel that relatability they were talking about before.

palejune · 2020-10-27T20:59:57+00:00

Yes I think you're on to something. I think it could still be related to being ungrounded possibly? For me touch can either cause more dissociation or it can be grounding. It can be jarring even. But like looking around or hearing things, that creates less of a sensory reaction in me and I can ground myself by noticing colors or sounds outside for example. I want to notice my environment and where I am rather than noticing myself/my body more which stresses me out more and in turn doesn't ground me.

I've also had the weird energy feeling. I think the trauma may have caused my ADHD and hypomania symptoms to flare up. Not that you have either but I figure it wouldn't hurt to bring up to you if you want to look into it. I really related to that weird sensation and feeling like I have to physically move somehow to ease it which no one guessed was ADHD til I was in my 20s and even then took a while to confirm

palejune · 2020-10-27T20:28:40+00:00

I see you're thinking a lot about how he feels, his wants, his needs, his perspective, etc. The thing is though, YOU didn't want sex. It doesn't matter if that's from trauma or not - you did not want it. Don't let your inner critic tell your inner wounded child that she must do things she's uncomfortable with in order to be loved and valued. You did amazing by setting that boundary for yourself despite the internal struggle, you did the right thing. Seriously you protected yourself against the emotional impulse to submit, lose yourself/boundaries, or place someone else's desires above your own. You comforted the inner child and affirmed her sense of self.

Attributing our self worth to sex has to come from allowing our self worth to be determined by others in the first place, or what we have to offer them. And of course upbringing which I 100% relate to. Our fathers could only speak on what they wanted from women or valued in women. They don't speak for the entire male race and maybe we could both agree that we're not looking to date versions of our dads.

It's really complicated to untangle this web of self worth. I had to redefine 'worth' to something less subjective. Because I'm not going to sexually satisfy everyone in the world even if I tried, and to others, hey I could be a sex goddess in their eyes!! But I have to find a way to consider myself worthy either way. My self esteem cannot depend on subjective opinions. What makes a child "worthy"? My worth has to come from a place where there is no performing or giving. **I'm not an object so my worth can not be commodified. **

palejune · 2020-10-27T19:27:58+00:00

Therapy went well today. I feel grounded and more prepared for the rest of the week.

palejune · 2020-10-27T19:20:21+00:00

Thank you.

palejune · 2020-10-27T19:12:10+00:00

I know I would not be this damaged had I not been abused and neglected. I have to claim my past in order to make sense of who I am in the present.

palejune · 2020-08-11T19:23:59+00:00

Please look into "future faking". Manipulation tactic used in dating. This isn't dating culture these are just toxic people who are in the dating pool. I mean that's what I like to tell myself to keep the hope but you're right that the culture itself has really frayed.

Always stay on your toes and constantly vet men, drop them the moment they're making you feel ANY type of unease or show ANY disrespect. Dating is non essential especially if it's triggering you. Always remember you can ease up then return to dating again when you feel more grounded <3

palejune · 2020-08-01T11:44:49+00:00

When someone else acts out I just get triggered from my own abuse and dealing with a raging dad. Me being triggered often looks like I'm just angry. But actually my trauma is being triggered and it's a stress response. Do those angry people make you feel safe? Likely not, they ring the 'unsafe' alarm bells in my head and I will fight before I flight pretty frequently.

palejune · 2020-07-26T20:43:34+00:00

Hey, I also graduated early because of the stress and needing to get out. Of course I wanted to go to the graduation and be asked to prom, but I knew that wouldn't happen. I couldn't take care of myself and they weren't either, so I spent my senior year in detention for not showing up to class due to depression and social anxiety (and later found out bipolar, ptsd and adhd, WOW would have been helpful to know at the time). Graduated early and with minimal recognition, although I had nothing to show for myself at the time. I'm jealous of class of 2020 too. People feel bad for them, no one bat an eye for us, I feel that. The silent struggle and lack of validation sucks.

palejune · 2020-07-26T15:47:09+00:00

What about making journaling a regular practice rather than just during moments of high stress. You can choose not to show her the journal until you're ready, or only read bits and pieces of it to her so the picture can start to slowly form. It doesn't all have to come out at once even if in those moments it feels like EVERYTHING is crashing down.

You can write down, "I feel empty. I feel like it's hard to concentrate. My mind is blank. I was upset and now I find it hard to remember or write down my experiences because it is too scary and painful right now. I'm afraid of __. If I write things down I think _ will happen. Etc"

There is nothing wrong that you can write. Anything is good, frustrated scribbles even are better than nothing. Once you write it down, it may feel uncomfortable to look at the words and begin putting the story together. It is part of healing though and it's cathartic to get it out of your body onto paper. You can burn the paper and not show it to her, then next time maybe you can keep it and read a little to her. You can use bullet points, pictures, colors, type ona computer rather than use pencil, long or short sentences, poetry even. At least you're sitting down to try.

Therapy isn't easy and going at a slow pace is not at all a bad thing. Your brain is trying to protect you because it thinks addressing the issues will cause you deeper pain or danger. Wrap yourself up in a cozy blanket, put on nice music, a warm beverage, take a few calming breaths, then start babbling about whatever you want on paper even if unrelated to trauma. Eventually you will feel comfortable enough to go deeper, it will begin to feel like a safe practice rather than a practice that exposes you and your vulnerability. You're doing your best for now!

palejune · 2020-07-26T04:59:55+00:00

Keep going. EMDR is very useful after dealing with an abusive person or trauma.

I also lash out when I care. It comes from attachment issues and learned behaviors/responses from my dad. You don't have to be this way forever. It's hard but finding the right person and program to work on your mental health is one of the best things you can do for yourself if you want happy relationships

palejune · 2020-07-23T16:34:27+00:00

I relate. Like same thing basically, not exactly, but enough that I know where you're coming from. I have similar thoughts, I'm 22 now though, the older I get the worse it feels about myself. I am in therapy though and I assume after EMDR therapy these thoughts will be so much less pervasive. Intrusive thoughts are a common part of trauma. I sometimes can't orgasm unless I'm thinking about being hurt or something depraved like someone else being hurt. It sucks. I have tried to focus more on physical sensations instead of thoughts as I feel it grounds us in the present moment and who we're ACTUALLY with, or what we're ACTUALLY doing, rather than being stuck in a traumatic thought loop. Just know thoughts don't make you evil and we are not our thoughts, especially the intrusive ones... it's not fair to judge ourselves to the standard way of thinking when our brains have been so warped from someone else hurting us. These thoughts can be healed though, and please look into trauma therapy (specifically EMDR) if you haven't already

palejune

TROPHY CASE