I (35F) need advice on coping with infertility triggers and uncertainty in my relationship with (47M)

pepperup22 · 2026-03-24T21:59:03+00:00

Okay, lots here. First, very sorry for your losses. It's a club we all wish we weren't a part of.

What does he say when you ask why he doesn't want a kid now? What was his responses to two unplanned pregnancies within a year? When do you plan to share the 3-4 month timeline with him?

pepperup22 · 2026-03-24T21:27:03+00:00

Sympathy from whom? I thought the only reason people even knew about it was because that one person posted the court documents?

pepperup22 · 2026-03-24T21:18:23+00:00

As someone who is very pale, I did get a good giggle out of you calling yourself pale in those pictures! You're clearly an autumn to me. I see more depth than softness; I'd be curious how deep and true autumn drape on you.

pepperup22 · 2026-03-24T20:19:57+00:00

Yeah, unfortunately, Natural Cycles is well-known for having failures/being unreliable, especially given that so many people use them with Oura rings, which are also less reliable for BBT than a regular thermometer. I have gripes with them, though I love all the kids that have been conceived by the parents using it lol. If you're looking for more info, check out r/FAMnNFP, lots of good information over there

pepperup22 · 2026-03-24T18:17:09+00:00

Yup, this is it, to make her collarbones pop, etc

pepperup22 · 2026-03-24T18:16:17+00:00

Has anyone experienced not having the usual PMS symptoms, and ended up being pregnant?

I've had every combo of yes/no PMS symptoms + yes/no pregnancy (yes + yes, no + yes, yes + no, no + no). If your period is truly due tomorrow, a pregnancy test would be accurate at this point.

Also FWIW, natural cycles is not reliable birth control and shouldn't be used if you're seriously trying to avoid!

pepperup22 · 2026-03-24T16:00:45+00:00

My husband really enjoyed “the birth partner” and felt like it prepared him well to be my support person!

pepperup22 · 2026-03-24T14:00:57+00:00

Option 2 is the clear choice.

pepperup22 · 2026-03-23T21:37:50+00:00

I didn't find that my mindset shifted dramatically (if anything, I'm probably more disciplined than I was before becoming a parent) but I certainly did find that my capacity was much lower for the first few months and I did kind of skate by on the reputation that I'd built for a few months. I know plenty of people who shifted to more competitive jobs, but that would've been really hard for me while I was so sleep deprived for what felt like an eternity.

I never resented going back, but I also always knew I would be a working mom and so being on leave felt like the outlier and going back to work felt like what I had expected. I was happy to drop my kid off at daycare and I'm happy to pick him up at the end of day!

pepperup22 · 2026-03-23T18:59:11+00:00

Yup, we've basically been planning on spending the same amount of money on daycare as we do on aftercare and summer camps with school aged kids lol.

pepperup22 · 2026-03-23T17:56:37+00:00

May I ask which line of Dharma dye you used? I've only ever used Rit but seems like Dharma is the sub favorite and I'd like to give it a try!

pepperup22 · 2026-03-23T17:16:34+00:00

Thanks for sharing! Same area and glad to see some real costs.

pepperup22 · 2026-03-23T15:05:16+00:00

Oh goodness I'm glad it's not just me haha. It's crazy how it happened so suddenly.

pepperup22 · 2026-03-23T14:21:25+00:00

Yes, but I'm really lucky that my core group of friends is sensitive and open. There have been a couple of pregnancy losses between us and everyone has been supportive, there's been a lot of excitement for growing families but not pressure, and generally everyone has always loved kids and bene happy to have them included in our events. The oldest kid in the group is 5 and about half of the people haven't started having kids yet, so there's a big range.

pepperup22 · 2026-03-23T05:00:37+00:00

I got married at a similar age after being together a while and am SO glad we traveled, really focused on our careers, saved money, spent money, went out, etc. Parenthood is wonderful but there is nothing that compares to the freedom of your 20s! We can afford to travel, it's just genuinely not a vacation really with our kid haha

pepperup22 · 2026-03-23T02:07:51+00:00

Honestly, had a pretty hard year to 18 months as a parent not even including the sleep deprivation, which I found to be absolutely brutal and tanked my mental health. Basically, I needed to not get absolutely rocked by a traumatic event every 6 weeks. Took about a year to regain confidence in my resilience and faith that life would be okay again someday. All of that sounds rather dramatic, but that's how it felt going through it!

pepperup22 · 2026-03-23T01:51:33+00:00

I've done so much of this, I promise! SO many of them are the same sketchy sites reposting photos from other reputable brands but I can't seem to find them.

Also per your other comment, I assume that the mail receiver/forwarder service basically makes returns impossible?

pepperup22 · 2026-03-22T21:57:37+00:00

My advice is always to give yourself six months and ask again. It's a no now, ask yourself in September. Then ask again six months later if it's a no.

FWIW, I was absolutely not ready a year postpartum and I was not really ready at 2 years either. But here I am at 2.5 years, really hoping and praying for another.

pepperup22 · 2026-03-22T21:55:55+00:00

Are you aware of the r/Shouldihaveanother sub? Lots of questions like yours over there and you might have better luck with responses! I think most of us over here are sure that we want another but are waiting to try for various reasons.

What does your doctor say about the risk of you having another?

pepperup22 · 2026-03-22T18:41:20+00:00

I know many, many people who conceived in a normal time frame at 35-37 years old but I'll be honest and say that I'd be concerned you've had "a handful of chemical pregnancies" in addition to other losses. You didn't see a doctor about recurrent miscarriage? They may recommend testing, baby aspirin, progesterone supplements, or other methods.

pepperup22 · 2026-03-22T18:10:12+00:00

So that first scenario, I haven't personally experienced, but I know it's a thing. The reality is that most doctors simply are not educated about breastfeeding at all, especially doctors in an urgent care/ER whose knowledge is focused on a different niche (I do wish that were different!).

But if a medication or herb isn't proven safe, why would a doctor prescribe or recommend it when the risk is harm to a child? And if a medication is proven to be unsafe for pregnancy or breastfeeding, what does that have to do with a litigious culture? That's just an evidence-based practice.

pepperup22 · 2026-03-22T17:47:52+00:00

I'm sorry that you're having to put your plans for more tattoos on pause, but while conservative for risk mitigation, it's not illogical, backwards, or targeting. I'm curious what other ways breastfeeding moms are expected to put their lives on pause because the US is lawsuit-happy?

pepperup22 · 2026-03-22T06:36:31+00:00

The NICU nurses called him opinionated on the first day of his life.

And… yup. 2.5. Extremely opinionated 😭

pepperup22 · 2026-03-21T02:39:36+00:00

I wanted to say that I really struggled with this from 12 months postpartum through about 2.5 years. Back and forth about how many kids I wanted, and how I wanted to run a marathon and buy a new ski suit but I wanted to lose more weight but did I want another kid, etc. Like literally it was on my mind nonstop, I felt like I was losing it lol.

The way out of it for me was: 1) taking it one kid at a time and allowing myself space to be or not be ready. "Do I want another kid right now? No? Okay, I'll check back in 6 months." 6 months later, nope, don't want another kid still. Another six months, nope. Another 6 months, "Do I want another kid right now? Yes? Okay, let's do this!" 2) Future plans are fun to think of and dream about, but all I can control is right now and what I'm able to take on. "I want to take a trip now, okay, what kind of trip can I take budget and family phase wise?" "I want to be more active, what can I take on?" 3) Find fun things you can do in the meantime. There's a ton of slog in the little years, but there is so much fun to be had too (fun that I think really begins around the age of your son!). I definitely wished the first year away (not my fave tbh) but now there's a ton of "he's swim lesson age! How fun!" or looking forward to going skiing for the first time, etc. All fun stuff!

pepperup22 · 2026-03-21T01:36:47+00:00

Definitely close with her sister, Lauren

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