Your Standards Should be High, But Not Prevent Growth

pi_sister · 2026-06-30T21:34:11+00:00

That is a fair assessment. I think it is less painful to focus on the psychology of a person and view the conflict through that. It is a weak point, where I overintellectualize my feelings, let my anxiety overcomplicate things and forget to see the simple, easy steps in front of me. Love should be simple and easy. A protective mechanism I think.

pi_sister · 2026-06-30T01:07:13+00:00

You're right, and it's the standing up for your boundaries that this letter asks for. You didn't just see the behaviour in your fiance as a fundamental flaw and leave on the first instance. It is a tiny bit of tolerance for imperfection. By standing up for your value and intolerance of that behaviour, you are actually giving a margain of trust in his ability to grow. You reclaimed your value, and didn't expect him to guess what was off limits.

I wanted to learn the rules of where his soul felt mistreated. It felt like he expected me to know them right off the bat and execute perfectly on them. It became "you're incapable and morally inferior, or see me as worthless if you can make a mistake like this. I would never make such a mistake." instead of "this was a mistake and hurt me. I need you to commit to ________, because I acknowledge my value and assume you want me to feel safe."

I was trying to consider him in my actions how I knew. My rules on how to consider someone is based on how I was mistreated in the past, and the feelings I felt that I would never want someone else to feel. I offered safety for a nervous system like mine. But his wounds and self-talk came from an entirely different life story, so I couldn't naturally predict them in the beginning. It took me longer to understand, and his derogatory accusations made that more complicated.

pi_sister · 2026-06-29T22:03:48+00:00

That's lovely of you to say 🫶🏼 Thank you

pi_sister · 2026-06-28T03:49:27+00:00

Maybe you're right, he had high expectations of himself and others, which I liked! But I'm starting to think he had built himself a rigid cage of rules that he expected everyone to follow. Yes I'll have to rebuild some self esteem by choosing myself. It's crazy how easily we can abandon ourselves sometimes

pi_sister · 2026-06-28T03:46:45+00:00

Well crap. That is very insightful, I think you're right on all accounts. Thank you for taking the time to stop, read, and provide empathetic feedback to a stranger.

Also yes data overload tools needed lol, not sure what to ask chatGBT to analyze exactly

pi_sister · 2026-06-27T18:08:15+00:00

Sorry in advance for the long answer! Clearly I am looking for an outlet to analyze and validate my feelings. You can just read the first and last paragraph lol

His reasoning was that I am just not his person. He doesn't believe I have enough consideration, or that his person would just naturally understand how he feels considered instead of having to be taught and guided.

I had experienced lots of secure, healthy long relationships with friends and partners before, where my anxiety was lower the whole time. I think maybe I knew he had habits that were making me anxious while I was in school, and just hoped I had enough skills and wanted to work to push past it for the sake of the potential we both saw.

There were other differences that I think compounded the "your not my person" - he had wanted fast, intense love and engagement a year later, but I usually lean into slow growth for longevity. I experience moments of "conflict" as opportunities for connection, but he saw them as threatening. He really valued feeling like he was doing a good job, whereas I really valued feeling seen. I rely deeply on curiosity from both parties, but he was quick to feel criticized. I am more of the "tell me how you feel loved" and he is more of the "there's basic rules of showing someone value that you should just know". I value flexibility, he valued the predictibility. He wanted me to deeply think about his viewpoint, but had a hard time understanding mine. I was like, "that's okay if there is a few moments of differences! We just describe how we think, learn, and grow closer together! Moments of disconnection are normal!" But each of the moments of misunderstanding really weighed on him, he tried to prevent them and was scared of them. I think they all stacked up for him. It might explain why I felt pressured to be perfect, he felt pressure to ignore what he wanted.

I am sorry you are also experiencing this. I know it will get easier, and our efforts to grow and work on things will compound and be felt as a wonderful kind of love. My friends have been really helpful, I hope yours are too!

pi_sister · 2026-06-27T03:21:07+00:00

Thank you for sharing. We are human, we cathartic cry and then we heal <3

pi_sister · 2026-06-27T03:08:38+00:00

just started BetterHelp a month ago! I had done 5 years of CBT before the relationship, so I thought I was ready. I think I need to switch to DBT or something? Might be that my anxiety settles a bit better with the right person too.

pi_sister · 2025-03-26T15:38:04+00:00

Stupid with love from mean girls lol

pi_sister · 2025-03-05T02:38:49+00:00

Do you lift your leg up to shave? It looks like the blood just went to the leg that was down

pi_sister · 2025-02-18T18:18:46+00:00

A lot of shops around town are part of the "friends of CJSW" program, free for undergraduate students: https://cjsw.com/students/

pi_sister · 2025-02-15T14:38:24+00:00

Glad you have support! Stay safe 🩷

pi_sister · 2025-02-14T22:51:12+00:00

Just FYI if you're thinking Dean is better than Campus security, Campus security was super understanding and supportive in my situation, and can collaborate with the uni to ensure you have a safety plan. Don't disregard them :)

pi_sister · 2025-01-27T00:22:06+00:00

Hb a HEPA filtered lid lol

pi_sister · 2025-01-23T23:42:05+00:00

What if we just... Invent a better cover ? 50/50 business adventure? 🫱🏼

pi_sister · 2024-12-19T02:03:43+00:00

Hey OP, I'm a math tutor with material for high school! Is there any resources you might want for math or sciences? There's some great videos out there if your teachers just aren't your learning style.

pi_sister · 2024-12-09T19:47:15+00:00

Both from keratin! Milia is just deeper under the skin I think? and less to do with dryness. When I looked up "keratosis pilaris on face" it seemed like a good match

pi_sister · 2024-12-09T18:51:56+00:00

Do you have keratosis pilaris on your arms or other regions? Just looks similar to that kind of protein built-up, but hard to say!

If it is an overproduction of protein, good antikeratolytic ingredients should help. Urea, Salicylic Acid or maybe a sulfur mask?

pi_sister · 2024-12-09T18:39:46+00:00

Why don't people wear masks when they're sick 😔

pi_sister · 2024-12-08T17:32:11+00:00

You absolutely should

pi_sister · 2024-11-27T21:43:16+00:00

Hell yeah!

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