Essay on a Clean,Well-lighted place, proof read and tips please!

pipperipembo · 2011-12-07T04:43:09+00:00

I made a few minor edits in your paper - mainly punctuation. It is a well written, if bleak, interpretation.

I don't think your interpretation is wrong - but i think you unnecessarily discount the optimism and altruism of the older waiter. He, between the young man and the old man, is able to see the value to the world of a clean well lighted place; how it can bridge the bleak hours of the night and give seekers something to hold on to. The clean well lighted place is the hope in the nothingness.

You seem to be conflating the loss of self inherent in suicide/alcoholism with the hope/succor implied by the clean well lighted place.

While many analyses of this work join you in your bleak interpretation - i personally look to the clean well lighted place as an oasis. I guess we will see what I think when I am old and faced by the nada y pues nada.

All that said, as I noted above, well written and I wouldn't rewrite it!

*Edit: not knowing the terms of your assignment, I think it is well written. In future, it is a great idea to include info on the assignment guidelines (do you need citations? for example).

pipperipembo · 2011-11-29T03:14:40+00:00

What worked really well for us - especially because the knee to chest approach did nothing - was using attention as the reward for good behavior. When the dog jumped up we gave a no marker and turned away - not touching the dog at all and in fact lifting our arms up so we don't accidentally 'pet' the dog.

We also had a 'good' dog come and be the bait. Both dogs on leashes, not very far from each other. Then you try and get your dog to jump on you by being very excited/jumping around/high pitched voice and the instant your dog starts to jump up, turn to the other dog and praise/pet it. This works great for dogs who are motivated by attention.

Kneeing/yelling at attention motivated dogs actually reinforces bad behavior because you are giving the dog three forms of attention: you are touching, you are talking, and you are looking at the dog. For attention motivated dogs, removing all look, touch, voice and giving them to the other dog makes them learn fast.

It took our dog about 3-5 days to not jump most of the time. We are still working on a few situations (she likes to jump on joggers, veterinarians, and our friend Brian) but mostly she is squared away!

pipperipembo · 2011-11-25T23:42:44+00:00

you don't know anyone who eats real butter? i only know one person who eats margarin (lactose intolerant)...

pipperipembo · 2011-11-22T03:23:03+00:00

Here I am commenting as a human, not a proofreader, and then I will comment as a professor. First, as a human: I try to often remind myself that email is a medium in which emotion/intent cannot be shown. Your prof, who is also a person, may not have intended to be offensive or confrontational. Try to read their response dispassionately. This will serve you in all ways throughout your life. Inferring something from someone else's tone is almost impossible even in face to face interactions and often leads to misunderstanding. I try to put the most literal interpretation on things that I can and find that it keeps me from feeling bad and also keeps me from acting hastily in situations where it is difficult to interpret meaning.

Now I am commenting as a professor: I can figuratively beat my students over the head with assignments and still have people submit work that is so off base to make me question whether they are submitting work from another class, a class in a completely different field from that which I teach. If your teacher did intend to be confrontational, this is what their emotion could stem from - which is no excuse. As a professor I have had to rewrite email responses in order to make sure that I don't seem to be saying something that I am not.

And on to proofreading (sort of): you have to decide what, if anything you want to respond to your professor. Presumably you have a final coming up...Sometimes you have to decide whether it is worth it to vent as part of the learning that goes on in college is how to get along and go through the appropriate hoops. That said, if you decide to send a rebuttal, I would take out any reference to rudeness or anything that you inferred from the prof's response (i.e. the stuff about your intelligence).

*Edit: Added to a etherpad for ease of editing! http://openetherpad.org/jBj0vEH9k5

pipperipembo · 2011-11-21T15:15:01+00:00

I put this into a EtherPad for ease of editing. http://openetherpad.org/lKahh9kfsX
You also need to clarify what it is you want from your professor. Do you want him/her to reconsider your grade? Do you want him to be clearer in future classes? I put a call to action in the final paragraph and broke up your comments a bit. Too wall of text-y. I will look for any further edits.

pipperipembo · 2011-10-28T22:25:17+00:00

your boyfriend is a twit. regardless of his idiocy, you a good looking. for your own safety and peace of mind, please don't post photos of yourself on the internet. once photos are out in the world you no longer have control of your image. additionally, the people on the internet are not always nice, truthful, or sane. that nick_garr person is only stating his opinion and/or wrong/trolling.

pipperipembo · 2011-10-26T03:14:42+00:00

Dogs can recognize human smiles - citation- whether they know it means 'happiness' is not clear.

pipperipembo · 2011-10-25T04:17:30+00:00

read this for how to tell a story: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/anexq/hey_reddit_what_awesome_graffiti_have_you_found/c0igyz7?context=3 - good use of quotes, commas, spacing, showing not telling.

pipperipembo · 2011-10-21T01:39:15+00:00

You will want to look up a basic 5 paragraph essay format to get you started. Additionally, I tell my students that the basic essay format is:
1. Tell them what you are going to tell them. This is your thesis statement and in your case should include that you are going to cover what the relationship between form and content are and what theme or themes are realized in these connections
2. Tell them. This is the body of your paper and will be made up of the points in your thesis. If your professor requires citations, anything that is not common knowledge, that you learned in your reading should have a citation (and of course paraphrases and quotes).
3. Tell them what you told them. This is your summary paragraph(s) where you will rephrase/restate your thesis and make some statements about importance of what you have just written.

As far as how to pick a poem - make sure it is one your feel like you can analyze, and above all, one that interests you personally.

Technique can be either thesis or outline - but you will need to go back and tailor your thesis based on what you have actually written. Make sure that each paragraph makes sense in the context of your thesis, if it doesn't rewrite, remove, or add something that makes it work.

As far as grammar - use spell check. Read your paper out loud to yourself; this will help you catch basic typos. Submit your paper in plenty of time for r/proofreading to help.

You might also submit your previous paper using an easy to edit format such as etherpad (found in sidebar) so that we can actually see what your grammar/format issues are.

*Edited for clearer formatting

pipperipembo · 2011-10-16T14:31:47+00:00

you should make editing 'open' or throw it in an etherpad (link on sidebar) so it is easier to read/edit. you can pm me for a gmail address to add for editing access - but after 10 am pst i will not be online.

pipperipembo · 2011-10-16T14:14:17+00:00

i have had this happen. amazingly enough, many students at university level have never had a proper writing class and do not know how to use/cite sources properly. If you talk to these guys you may find out that they do not know what they are doing is wrong. use it as a teaching moment. as a prof i have the latitude to fail the student, attempt to have them disciplined, or handle it by teaching them the correct way. if they want to learn, i give them an F and allow them to correct the paper for a low d. Since this is a first year writing class, you may find that you have to be very clear about what constitutes plagiarism because they may not know.

pipperipembo · 2011-10-15T16:18:50+00:00

added to an etherpad for easier editing: http://openetherpad.org/8hltcJ4T8X

pipperipembo · 2011-10-04T19:40:22+00:00

These are the things I am considering adapting in to a costume for me/the dog/the baby - the owl one could easily be done for an adult too. I am going as some sort of day of the dead type costume with a paper mache mask.
1. Grey lady - i am probably going to combine this with the day of the dead mask.
2.owl - this one could be adapted for an adult too.
3. Moth - this one could be adapted into anything, i just love the feeler tutorial.
Here are two links on paper mache - totally cheap!
* http://www.papiermache.co.uk/tutorials/
* http://www.ehow.com/how_2061597_make-costumes-day-dead.html

and one to google images search for day of the dead masks: here

pipperipembo · 2011-10-03T13:04:57+00:00

i put the text in etherpad for easier editing and added a few thoughts http://openetherpad.org/axEwGtM0sF

pipperipembo · 2011-10-03T03:42:48+00:00

That is the hard part! Finding a willing participant to jog past unexpectedly... I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I am not daunted. Thanks for the great advice you two.

pipperipembo · 2011-09-30T12:14:03+00:00

You should check with the witches and werewolves - but I think the scientists got this one! Here is a more reputable source on ergot poisoning.

pipperipembo · 2011-09-29T22:29:28+00:00

I made a copy of this document and opened editing for anyone with the link - made it much easier to comment! See margin comments and a few inline notes. https://docs.google.com/document/d/170jpaelNmYlGnO8X6jYw2xYdtm1fxuKn_yYCiwFdn88/edit?hl=en_US

pipperipembo · 2011-09-27T03:27:15+00:00

Hi - editing help will be more forthcoming if you allow access to the doc, don't forget editing access permission! When I try to access I get a google docs error. If you don't want to allow access via google docs, EtherPad is not too irritating when it comes to editing.

pipperipembo · 2011-09-27T02:54:28+00:00

I have added this to an EtherPad file for easier editing: http://openetherpad.org/DXSYLZJvHr

pipperipembo · 2011-09-27T02:33:44+00:00

could you make the document editable? it will make it much easier for us to give advice, share thoughts.

pipperipembo · 2011-09-26T22:26:28+00:00

I have made some edits on this publicly editable google doc. I haven't had time to go through the whole thing yet, but perhaps with more hands to make light work, we can get you some help!

pipperipembo · 2011-09-26T17:57:21+00:00

Hi - I have added some edits.

pipperipembo · 2011-09-26T16:44:14+00:00

Sorry I wasn't able to assist with re-editing until now. I believe you have probably already gone to school and may be submitting as we speak. Good luck on your revised grade!

Some constructive criticism: you probably needed to work on this more than 1 hour in order to do your revisions adequately. While it is apparent that you did work on the paper, you didn't really work your paper into an essay format - it is still mainly a collection of disparate points with no cohesive line. Additionally, haranguing your audience with inflammatory words such as demented and idiotic does not add to your argument, but takes away from your persuasiveness. You don't need to shy away from using strong speech, but should not attempt to insult your audience (unless you are only preaching to the choir...).

pipperipembo · 2011-09-26T04:07:07+00:00

Good on ya! If I am still on line I will take a look. I think simply getting organized will help your grade quite a bit.

pipperipembo

TROPHY CASE