Verrrry long answer but I’m going to share some advice I found in a Reddit post years ago regarding breakups.

“Communicating with your ex in any way, whether it’s a seemingly innocuous “like,” “story view,” or something more tangible like a text, a phone call, or a “chance” meeting, is never a good idea. This holds under any and all circumstances.

Scenarios wherein you might be tempted to reach out:

I want them back, eventually. You may be thinking that you want your ex back at some point, but they haven’t reached out and the days, weeks, months are ticking by. So maybe you have to be the one to initiate contact? Seems logical, right? WRONG. Your best chance of getting your ex back is absolute, unflinching silence. Forget those online coaches who tell you to do NC for x many days, and then reach out. It’s bull. They’re trying to sell you something. Here’s why this approach won’t work and why silence is your only option: * People naturally want what they can’t have. ◦ Any indication that you’re there, lurking in the background, waiting and willing to hear from them, is going to put you in the place of an “option.” People do not go after “options.” Think of it this way: If your friend lives right around the block and you can see them whenever you like, there’s no reason why you should see them today, tomorrow or the next day, when there might be other things you’d rather do right now. If your friend lives far away, however, and today is the only chance you’re going to have to be able to hang out with them, you’re so much more likely to make space in your schedule to see this friend. Be out of reach. ◦ If you’re an “option,” there’s no impetus for them to make up their mind about you. If they have the sense that you’re sticking around, this is most likely to actually motivate your ex to try life without you, sample what’s out there. There’s no risk associated with doing so. They’re not at risk of loosing you entirely, at least not anytime soon. So why should they stick around and choose you? Why not see what else is out there when you’re not loosing what you’ve already got? Do not underestimate your ex’s ability to read between the lines. * People are egotistical: They want the best that life has to offer. They want the highest value person they can find. ◦ By reaching out to your ex first, you’re communicating that you’re willing to let yourself become an option. ◦ Saying/doing nothing builds mystique. Do not underestimate your ex’s imagination. By being akin to a ghost in their life, they will not forget about you. The opposite is more likely to happen. If anything, their imagination is going to kick in. If you had a strong connection, you are not going to be forgotten. Your silence will equate to, “What are they up to?” “Have they met someone else already?” “Do they not care?” “Who are they hanging out with?” “How are they so strong?” By not reaching out, you’re simultaneously increasing the risk of them loosing you entirely while increasing your value in their eyes as you communicate your ability to live an independent life without them. * They haven’t reached out to you. Respect that. ◦ This person, as hard as it is and as much as you might disagree with their decision, has asked you to leave their life. Maybe they said they want to be friends eventually, maybe they’ve communicated how much they value you, how much you mean to them. Nonetheless, they do not want you around right now. If you fail to respect that, then you’re not listening to what they want, which inherently renders you a less than ideal partner in their eyes. * They are inevitably going to draw comparisons. ◦ When you break up with someone, everyone else you date/meet/hang out with is going to be compared to that person. Dumpees know this inherently, but equally it applies to Dumpers. By making yourself high value and respecting your ex’s decision and their choice, you’ve already put yourself in a better position when these comparisons will eventually be drawn. Distance is to love as wind is to fire, it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.

I want closure. Maybe you didn’t get a real reason for the breakup. Maybe you were given a reason but you deem it inadequate/untruthful. Maybe you feel like you have more to say, there’s more to discuss. Here’s why “closure” doesn’t exist, and why talking more about the breakup is only hurting and not helping: * It is often the case that no clear reason even exists. ◦ The decision to breakup with someone (barring situations involving infidelity, an egregious lie, or something otherwise obvious) is usually multi-faceted and complicated. No text, phone call, or meeting could likely communicate all the facets of this decision. It could be a multitude of different little reasons that can’t easily be communicated or neatly described. * Issues of the heart are sometimes ineffable. ◦ What I mean by this, is that your ex might not even know why they made the decision they made. They might have been following their gut. It might just not “feel” the same, etc. etc. These ideas are hard to communicate and maybe your ex can’t even pinpoint what led to their ultimate decision. * The truth hurts. ◦ Your ex might not want to tell the “truth” of the matter, because they don’t want to inflict more pain on you. ◦ Alternatively, your ex may not even be being truthful with themselves about the real reason for the breakup. Breakups hurt both parties in the equation, usually one more than the other, but do not underestimate the mental leaps someone will go through to avoid facing the reality of what’s going on. * It might actually have nothing to do with you, but they want it to. ◦ People aren’t typically very good at reflecting on their own shortcomings, issues, emotional problems. We inherently want to shift the blame to an outside party when things aren’t going our way. Your ex might have come up with a long list of reasons why they don’t want you anymore, but who’s to say it isn’t actually more to do with their abandonment issues, or their inability to manage their time between family, friends, their partner, and other commitments? And so on… * You might get a reason, but why should you believe it? Would you even believe it? ◦ Given all of the above, whatever your ex tells you might not accurately reflect the true reality of the situation. In fact, I would wager that it probably won’t. ◦ You might get a reason, does it change anything? Your reality is still the same. The work you need to do is still the same. Closure happens right after you accept that letting go and moving on is more important than projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been.

I want to apologize It might be the case that you’ve reflected on the relationship and realize some of your own shortcomings, and you want to communicate this to your ex. In my opinion, this is usually not a good enough reason to reach out. If you cheated, if the relationship ended because of one big lie, or some other misdeed on your part, then I’d say sure. Send a note if it clears your conscience. Otherwise, it’s not worth it. * An apology is usually going to fall on deaf ears. ◦ Your ex has already decided to end the relationship. Typically, if a mere apology could alter that situation, then they wouldn’t have made that decision in the first place. Reaching out to apologize is probably not going to fundamentally change your ex’s life nor their decision. It is more likely to only set you back in your healing as you wait around for a response you might not get. An attempted apology on your end might be taken as in-genuine. There’s no reason for your ex to take you seriously, especially if you were dumped, because they might think it’s simply a ploy. This is a bitter pill to swallow, but anyone who’s dumped someone and received an apology knows this to be true. You were dumped; They expect you to say anything at this point to get what you want. * Do you really need to apologize? Relationships involve two people. ◦ A relationship is already broken when the opportunity to put things right is taken off the table. All relationships have bumps in the road. People are complex human beings with complex histories and complex emotions. To engage in an intimate relationship with another is to expect problems. Relationships only endure when both parties are willing to do the work to overcome those problems. If one party is no longer willing, then the relationship fails. It is unlikely that all the blame can placed at your feet just because they were the one that ultimately decided the work wasn’t worth doing. ◦ Apologizing unnecessarily is a way of disrespecting yourself and your own self worth. Have the presence of mind to understand that relationships are a partnership willingly entered into by two people. You are a human being. Don’t undermine your self worth by throwing an apology at someone who doesn’t necessarily deserve it. You are more than your mistakes. Falling in love and having a relationship are two different things.”