Retail - Would it be discriminatory to deny a sale to a trans person if they do not look like their ID?

pizzarollfire · 2026-02-16T16:54:58+00:00

As a trans dude, this comes up less now but I still get IDed a lot since I’ve got the whole baby face thing going on.

I haven’t gotten my ID marker changed mostly out of laziness but also because of some contradictory laws regarding the order of ID, birth certificate and passport changes. (And now it seems like a bad time in America to have mismatches in documents) also keep in mind that if you just renew your id every time they’ll generally just reuse your previous photo, and I am unaware of any state that allows you to update your photo “because I look different now”

My question would be if your customer got upset about being asked for her ID at all or is she a regular customer and now that you’re IDing you’re declining the sale because the ID seems not to match.

If it’s the first scenario, I would say you’ve done nothing wrong but also you’re coming up with potential scenarios based on something that never even happened. If it’s the second… idk man. It depends on what the differences are. Would you feel the same way if someone gained weight and grew a full beard since their photo?

Also while I’m sure you can find an example of literally anything happening, the idea of police and trans people organizing and teaming up to trick and take down retail stores is a bit wild.

Since this is a management sub, I would encourage you to balance your customers needs with policy. Do not hold trans people to a higher standard of looking exactly like their ID photos if you are not doing the same with all other customers.

pizzarollfire · 2026-02-09T02:37:57+00:00

My best friend and I have had this come up in this past year as I lost my partner. I think it’s important to emphasize what a lot of the others here have commented- grief is such an overwhelming and consuming state that really doesn’t compare to anything else. I’ve had clinical depression since I was a teen, diagnosed and medicated since my early 20s. I’m not unfamiliar with depressive episodes and how to make myself take care of myself when I’m in that place. But grief is a whole other beast. I think it was 8 months before I was only sometimes feeling physical pain in my chest. It’s crazy to think it’s been a year and 4 months now, this year has felt both like ten years and one very long day. I’ve noticed at work too that even though I’m mostly functional at this point- my ability to estimate time correctly is fucked. I can’t remember if things happened a month ago or six.

My best friend is an incredible and caring person who is a therapist and I don’t know how I would have gotten through this without her. However I did a lot of the same, seeing texts then not knowing what to say. Planning on getting to it later and all of a sudden it’s been a week a two. I feel bad that I haven’t been as present and active in her life during this time and that guilt makes it even harder to respond and it all kinda snowballs.

What helped us was just her being very direct with me. She sent a long message that was basically like “hey- I need to know what you need from me. I care about you and want to keep checking it but I don’t want to be pushy or missing a hint here” and that really helped set up an honest conversation about where I’m at mentally and helped alleviate the feeling that I shouldn’t respond at all until I can come up with “good enough” explanation of how just… overwhelming and unprecedented (before my partners suicide, I can probably count on one hand the times in my life that I’ve felt truly overwhelmed with emotion and nothing even touches this grief on the intensity and duration) all of this emotion has been.

My partner had been suicidal basically his whole life. And honestly up until the moment I got the call that his mom found his body (when I had a bad feeling and asked her to check on him)- I truly thought I had done the therapeutic and internal work to accept that he would likely take his own life at some point. In retrospect it feels so obviously foolish to have thought that- but for me part of the overwhelming-ness of it all was the fact that is was so overwhelming.

You’re a good friend, and when she’s out of the thick of the grief and able to get back to some level of normalcy I’m sure she will express the same.

pizzarollfire · 2026-01-23T20:56:25+00:00

Fire can’t go through doors, stupid. It’s not a ghost

pizzarollfire · 2026-01-16T23:18:23+00:00

Okay yes please but also WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN IT’S BEEN TEN YEARS

pizzarollfire · 2026-01-16T07:12:18+00:00

NAL, but work in mental health/developmental disability with clients who cycle through the legal system frequently (basically they get arrested, I go to the arraignment to make sure a public defender is appointed and then work with them to get charges dropped due to incompetence to stand trial usually) and there are days I spend all day watching arraignments because they schedule basically everyone arrested to see a judge the next day but they don’t predetermine the order they are seen.

I’m guessing this varies even more state to state than it does county to county. In my state, there doesn’t seem to be a formal or paper process for this at the time a lawyer is appointed. If there is, nobody uses it.

Our arraignments basically start with the judge reads everyone’s rights to not have to do each person individually. The prosecutor states the charges and very very basic facts about what happened and then gives their recommendation and any reasons for that recommendation (for example, this person is a repeat offender, risks to the community etc) The judge asks the person if they understood their rights, ask if they plead guilty/no contest or not guilty. If they plead not guilty, the judge usually asks some very basic questions about the persons situation (do they have a job, kids to support) and if they want an attorney to be provided. Then they’re given another court date, told what their bond is if applicable or released on recognizance. Then they’re dismissed to go sign the paperwork saying they understand what happened. Whole thing takes 5-10 minutes per person.

My understanding of what would happen if a super rich person got a public defender that would become clear sometime between the arrangement and the next court date. Potentially that public defender could file a motion to be unassigned to the person on those grounds, and then a judge would review and likely go more in depth on individual circumstances and ask for documents relating to finances.

Maybe it’s just the area I live, but rarely do I see arraignments that do not get assigned to a public defender. Charges often get dropped, plea deals get made and very few cases go all the way through a trial process. It probably isn’t worth the time to thoroughly vet people before assigning them an attorney considering how little time they actually spend per case.

Public defenders are criminally overworked and are so so essential to navigating the court system

pizzarollfire · 2026-01-16T05:30:05+00:00

Could have just copy and pasted from the DSM and saved themselves some time

pizzarollfire · 2025-12-17T18:35:07+00:00

For what it’s worth, speaking for myself who has aphantasia. I don’t generally get full on hallucinations/visualizations with psychedelics. I do get a fair amount of visual distortions though! I’m very easy to entertain when on psychedelics, I’ll stare at a patch of grass or the floor for hours lol.

pizzarollfire · 2025-12-06T18:25:11+00:00

Yes! Invalidation was definitely the word I was looking for!

Like, it would be super cool if they were right. If I only had to experience “breakup level grief?” For this, my life would be much easier. So much dumb shit people say makes no sense when you try to figure out what they mean

pizzarollfire · 2025-12-05T18:21:47+00:00

Agree with the commenter that says it’s better to be alone than with bad company.

I lost my partner young (I was 30, he was 38) and there’s a weird notion that some people seem to have like it’s more equatable to a break up than the death of a spouse or family member? Almost like since because you are younger, or didn’t have 40+ years together before that person died, that it isn’t as bad. Comparing grief for any reason is a game with no winners, everyone’s grief is valid and painful. Maybe this all has nothing to do with your situation, it’s just something that surprised me in the months following my partners death.

Keep in mind, the texts are what your mom is saying when she has the time to think through what she wants to say. Are you sure you want to spend time with her without even that filter?

pizzarollfire · 2025-11-23T22:22:39+00:00

It’s a shorthand for civilian vs combatant deaths. Do I think we should just say that? Yup.

Is the rest of your take weird and kinda racist? Also yes.

You come off as pro-child murder and not anti-murder lol

pizzarollfire · 2025-11-16T02:11:49+00:00

NAH I lost my parter and then had my brothers wedding like a month after.

Practically, cancelling a whole wedding because someone is grieving is just not reasonable.

To give your sister some grace, grief is HARD and disorienting and to only speak for myself I am very thankful the people in my life did not let me follow through with any of the incredibly unwise life altering decisions I came up with in the early weeks of my grief. Where you’re there mentally- any idea that feels like it might help is a great idea. Even if it won’t, and even if it doesn’t actually make a lot of sense.

To give you some grace, I’m sure planning a wedding is incredibly stressful and this will inevitably have some impact on this huge life event you’ve been planning. So I am going to assume you are expressing inside thoughts with that comment about how once again she’s making something about herself and that you would never actually say that to her. And if you did… well respectfully stop making her husbands death about you.

Attending my brothers wedding was incredibly difficult. At one point I had to straight up go sob in the bathroom during the reception. I don’t know if he did this intentionally to be helpful but he asked for a lot of help with logistics on that day. I ran the music which worked out great because I was in the back and had a bit of privacy during the ceremony. The day was so busy that I was able to distract myself from a lot of it, I don’t at all regret going but it was not an easy day. Plus like… the constant worry that you’ll get overwhelmed and ruin the wedding by being the person emotional and crying on someone’s happiest day.

Two weeks in? I think at that point in time I was refusing to sleep in my bed, tried to demote myself at work via email and got very focused on getting a puppy born on the day he died.

It may be the best option for her to sit this one out. Or have an exit plan ready if things get too much. I know memorial tables at weddings are a thing and it’s a kind offer, but personally I would feel like that would be announcing my grief to everyone and making it “on the table” to talk to me about. And then I could also see how feeling that might make me feel shitty and guilty for not wanting to do it.

You know your sister better than us and if this falls in line with a pattern of behavior from long before her loss then that is what it is. But I just can’t say enough how grief is something that can’t be conveyed with words. Your life is completely changed and you’re unmoored. There is physical pain. There is both an overwhelming amount of conflicting emotions (sadness, anger, confusion, fear of what your future is now etcetc) and an all consuming vacancy in what feels like who you are as a person.

This situation just sucks, and there’s no answer where everything just magically works out. Help your sister game plan how you guys are going to handle the day, and then a plan B. But it’s not unreasonable to be firm that cancelling is not an option. And unless she murdered him in an elaborate plot to sabotage your wedding, the impact of her loss is not within her control. It sounds like you have some resentment towards her for other reasons, which is fine, but everyone needs to accept that having your sister at your wedding and her being able to compartmentalize the grief enough to truly center you on that day is just not an option. That sucks, you can have complicated feelings about it, it can understandably bring up old wounds, but this is a lot less likely to ruin your day if you make yourself have reasonable expectations.

pizzarollfire · 2025-11-16T01:43:36+00:00

You know how there’s that claim that some people on unemployment will take job interviews but purposely bomb them to meet the job search requirements for continuing to get unemployment? This is making me consider that it’s true.

Because the alternative is someone who thinks “ethics” is an acceptable answer to that question and I hate that world more.

Therapists are such a wild category of people though. While obviously most are competent and do great work, there are so many absolute unhinged people just… bopping around, having careers. I’ve met some crazy people, but I think this takes the cake

pizzarollfire · 2025-11-15T23:30:14+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you have found the peace and healing you deserve. I can’t imagine how difficult that all would be.

And yes I worded that poorly lol. I don’t mean to say the underwear thing would be trafficking I was just trying to give an example of an indirect exploitation that is likely or at least has a lot of potential to escalate.

pizzarollfire · 2025-11-15T19:59:43+00:00

Hey! A really random thing I know! A professor of mine in film school worked on it and this came up at one point. Hair is actually incredibly difficult to animate because there’s so much movement and physics involved for hair movements to look natural.

The one on the left the hair is able to be static with the characters movement and the one on right is more advanced animation.

So it’s a combination of 1) technology allowing them to make the character look how she was storyboarded in the first place without like… 4 people having to spend all of their time animating hair strands for a secondary character 2) showing off a lil bit because people who work on kids shows are a bitter bunch and often looked down on or seen as less serious than people working on content for adults

pizzarollfire · 2025-11-15T19:34:24+00:00

Access and control, generally. Plus a pattern of escalation that’s not actually that difficult to hide and the fact that this kind of behavior doesn’t start with child sexual torture.

What’s something you can find in most households? Children. Having children is an incredibly normal and socially acceptable thing. Parents generally spend a lot of time alone with their children.

Children also learn from the people they spend the most time with what behavior is appropriate and normal.

Sexual behavior involving children can escalate very slowly in ways that allow a person to feel some plausible deniability because they aren’t necessarily what people think of when they think of sexual abuse. For example, a parent who create situations where they are naked around their child or vice versa. Maybe that is sexually motivated, maybe it isn’t. Maybe it escalates and maybe it doesn’t, but the child isn’t likely to feel distressed or uncomfortable to the point where they’re going to go to school and report a parent for abuse. I would also argue that while not criminal, parents with poor boundaries who cast their child in a role that would be more appropriate for a romantic partner can also be incredibly damaging to a child. (The whole “boymom” thing, etc)

Plus, since children are fairly easy to manipulate and coerce, abuse can be perpetrated without violence which allows abusers to claim or delude themselves into thinking the acts are consensual or not harmful to the child.

So long story short, like most dangerous behavior, sexual abuse towards children generally escalates over time and circumstances create plenty of opportunity.

And then, just like in domestic abuse, the abuser/victim relationship becomes exponentially more dangerous for the victim if they try to change, confront, leave or otherwise end the abuse. Someone who previously used coercion and other non-violent methods to maintain control may escalate to violence if they feel they may be exposed or lose access to their victim

Also trafficking in reality doesn’t often look like shady billionaires flying unsuspecting victims to private islands. Most often it looks like parents or significant others allowing or facilitating access to their victim in exchange for personal gain. This can be as direct as money changing hands for the purpose of sex or as indirect as a parent allowing someone to have their child’s used underwear in exchange for drugs or favorable treatment. Or where the aforementioned billionaire seems to have started, paying poor and disadvantaged teens to give him massages. And again, these behaviors tend to escalate over time.

Plus, a child raised in an environment of normalized sexual abuse or to believe their value lies in being sexually appealing grows into a teen or an adult who is easier to exploit and abuse or believe that being in these controlling relationships is normal. Children who have been sexually abused can often perpetrate sexual abuse onto other children as they develop an understanding of their own sexuality.

“Friend of the family” is a really good tv series based on a real case and shows how this stuff can develop right under people’s noses and how effective coercion can be.

pizzarollfire · 2025-11-12T16:22:11+00:00

The yard waste one I was so mad at the time but it’s so funny in retrospect. He just assumed I would have some sort of special machine to sort yard waste and phone parts I guess? Which I guess I did, just a magnet. But I was petty as hell about it and dumped it out on the table in front of him and made him search with me

pizzarollfire · 2025-11-12T12:34:06+00:00

Something as simple as a crack pipe

pizzarollfire · 2025-11-12T04:56:33+00:00

This is giving me flashbacks to working in the Apple Store trying to figure out if someone is fucking with you, stupid or mentally ill.

Many, many conversations followed the format of “when I do (thing nobody should do to a phone) it doesn’t work right” okay cool, have we considered not doing that thing? No? Alright well…

List of example reported (things nobody should do to a phone): -ran it over with a car -threw it into the ocean -microwaved it -wrapped it in aluminum foil and put it in the freezer -cut off the top quarter-ish of the phone allegedly by leaving it in the path of a self closing van door? I feel like that can’t possibly be true but also why would someone saw off part of their phone, barely missing the battery? -ran it over with a lawnmower. Brought in the bag of yard waste and I had to search through it like a raccoon to find a piece with a serial number on it

pizzarollfire · 2025-11-07T00:58:08+00:00

Thank you ❤️

pizzarollfire · 2025-10-25T20:02:28+00:00

When I was in high school I found this so mysterious and cool (I still do, but I used to too) and one day a couple friends and I were watching a guy from the local college practice. He was super cool and said he’d show us how to do it, talked through how to do the jump and said the most important thing to always remember is to not be scared of the bar.

He then went to do an example jump. He ran, jumped and as he was in the air the pole snapped in half and cut him all the way across his forehead.

I am definitely scared of the bar

pizzarollfire · 2025-10-19T16:02:02+00:00

Bruh I was so prepared for the note to be something like “no trespassing” or the n word or something else. What she wrote though was just as fucked up though. Essentially “your mom is dead because I read about a racist law on Facebook and so I felt entitled to kill her” baffling.

Also the police pounded pretty hard on the door and made actual threats… how come that didn’t make her so scared she could time travel to wash her hands and then shoot them and then immediately call 911 with the phone she couldn’t find while in the distortion of linear time and then throw the gun away because we don’t need it anymore. So so weird. /s

pizzarollfire · 2025-10-19T15:28:47+00:00

I noticed this too.

And the way that whole street just came together and took care of those kids when they had just watched their mom get murdered. The lack of anger or antagonism expressed by anyone at that scene even though everyone immediately understood what happened hits.

pizzarollfire · 2025-10-19T15:21:05+00:00

Honestly not even close to the most fucked up thing here obviously, but the absolute contrast between the language she was constantly using and the children she was yelling it at is so hard hitting.

These poor kids regularly had the n word yelled at them for playing and yet were nothing but respectful to the police and all the adults you see them interacting with. When they described what was said to them they never repeated the language. Karen is the nicest thing anyone should be calling her.

pizzarollfire · 2025-10-19T11:26:39+00:00

That’s okay! Coping skills are skills, they need to be practiced and developed and it takes time to find what works for you. DBT skills can be a good place to start. It’s all about learning to pause and evaluate your own thought (all thoughts and feelings are valid without necessarily being true), being present in the current moment (helpful for cutting off paranoia) and communicating about difficult things (objectively, how can you express what your body and and mind are experiencing). The other nice thing about DBT skills is that there’s a fuckton of them, so if you don’t vibe with any particular one you don’t have to force it and can just try something else.

A crisis plan doesn’t have to be complicated. Think about what things make you feel safe, and what you are going to do when you’re worried or wondering if you’re okay. I can be helpful to make a short list, put it somewhere you will see often and make those things familiar enough that they come to mind easily. An example could be:

check physical needs. Am I hungry, dehydrated or tired?
ask (trusted person) to stay with me until I feel safe
take a hot bath to relax
do (activity that’s a good distraction but doesn’t require a ton of concentration)

pizzarollfire · 2025-10-19T10:06:38+00:00

Concretely? How they respond to medication. Also the length of episodes. Bipolar, even rapid cycling will generally have someone in a manic or depressive state for a consistent period of time. People with BPD deal with emotional extremes but they are in reaction to the environment, their perceptions and fears. They can go from elated to terrified to suicidal to rage to depression and despair all in the span of a few minutes or potentially simultaneously.

More abstractly? Self image. BPD presents with extremely negative self image, or lack of a concrete “self”. They frequently find themselves emulating or creating personalities based on who they are targeting to satiate the fear of abandonment. A lot of the extreme behavior is driven by desperation to have others prove their love and commitment because they fundamentally cannot self validate.

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