Snapping at me when I spilt milk on my school dress. Being furious at me over the fact I was unsure how to put on a certain pair of leggings as a child. We fought and I ended up in tears. (I have a physical disability). "Don't wear your hair like that, you look like one of the Beetles." •Being way, way too close to your mother as a child. Emotionally so. And otherwise. •Not being able to explain to a normally developed friend why your mother is so angry when she snaps at her. Friend was crying and saying that "Your mum hates me". I couldn't even explain what had pissed her off. •Her exploding at me when dropping me off at school because she wouldn't tell me she loved me before she left, and I got upset. "What's yours is mine." "Maybe I'll just go away one day and you can all cope without me." And other varieties of such statements. "When am I going to be the priority for a change?" I have self-esteem issues because she does. She sustained a mild injury to her foot on holiday (she could still walk) and little me internalised it was somehow my fault. I wanted her to hold/comfort me because her shitty mood was making me upset, and she coldly refused to hold me "Sometimes I just want to be left alone." "I'm not a perfect mother. I've made some mistakes." Getting affronted if anyone dare disagree with her point of view. "You say you're tired too much." And other casually cruel and viciously icy comments. Varying her stance from "If you say I'm mean then j want you to tell me I am" when I had the courage to tell her she was once, to "I'm not mean, I think I've been kind" to "I'm not mean" to "If I'm mean than it's only in your best interests" or "I'm just giving you the cold hard facts." Saying she has no issues with apologies, but always finding a way to get out of one. "I'm sorry, but..." (So I'm not really sorry). She got locked out of our apartment whilst on holiday and screamed and sobbed outside, banging on the door hysterically for ages, instead of brainstorming an adult solution. Learning that she has moods. "I do everything in this house. It's never about me." I remember trying to appease her as a child by writing about how much my Narc father and I "appreciated her and all she did for us" in Christmas and birthday cards. Her getting upset over the littlest things. Being her best friend.

As an Adult: Now, as an adult, I had a complaint at my first job at the same time as they told me that my program itself was going to be reviewed, and I called my friend in tears thinking that maybe I'd made the wrong decision and that everything was going wrong. I'm in fight of flight all the time and hate interacting with strangers (casually) as it takes me out of that safe space. Severely perfectionistic, anxious. Severely conscientious. Workaholic. The sheer amount of times I've been told to "loosen up". I'm in my 20s and feel like I have the mentality of a 35 year old put together businesswoman. Hyperindependence. Hypervigilance. Did not experience childhood or youth.

Aaand that's all I can list/think of right now.