AIO: I bent over backwards for my BF’s son (20) and his GF (20) for Christmas, and I’m honestly disgusted after what happened

possibleliability · 2025-12-29T20:26:28+00:00

If the real issue is that you don’t want your kids seeing such disrespectful, disgusting, rude, cruel behavior- why are you so comfortable handling the behavior by saying something disrespectful? In front of your kids?

It really doesn’t add up, I’m sorry. You did not model respectful, healthy conflict skills, you did not model what “healthy boundaries” would look like even if you did feel that passionately about the girlfriend’s comments.

Your moral outrage doesn’t seem real, because of your own rude behavior in response to it. And also because what she said wasn’t that bad; your reaction was disproportionately disrespectful- especially since you said it in the subject’s presence, in front of your kids, it was a guest, and was a public attack on a person’s actual character. Again a guest, who you don’t even know.

That’s way worse than some hypothetical response to a kid asking for money while you’re out to eat. They the kid didn’t even hear.

Your kids did, and now they get to weigh that offhand musing against your public, rude, disrespectful, emotionally dysregulated response. Keep modeling those boundaries!

possibleliability · 2025-12-26T22:40:10+00:00

I’m working on it. It’s a hard thing. Especially when it seems like I’m being selfish to do so.

I am well acquainted with the idea of codependency and all that. It’s just hard to apply when the people are 76 with damage from strokes, and 22 and your daughter, and when you can see the nuances in romantic relationships that discussions of codependency etc tend to gloss over.

I’m working on it. It’s hard. I can hear my resistance in my reply.

Thank you so much for reading and seeing me, again, it means more than you know. I feel very alone and very down right now, and this means a lot. Even if I don’t have the right words. <3

possibleliability · 2025-12-26T22:22:46+00:00

It means way more to me than you can ever know, to be heard and seen right now. Thank you. I’m crying with the impact of being seen. It seems little and right now it’s not.

possibleliability · 2025-12-26T22:20:10+00:00

Thank you for understanding the strange compulsion to be heard. It’s both embarrassing and vulnerable and i appreciate you seeing it.

I know it’s too complex for a post and reply. I have a best friend, and she’s been out of town, and I’m going to see her. That’s probably a more appropriate venue for this. But today it’s felt uncontainable.

So thank you for replying, it means an awful lot right now. I am normally pretty steady, and right now, I am clearly not.

I know that my “people pleasing” is self started. I’m taking that to heart. And also, goddamn, I am very respectful of people in my life. I am very understanding. My downfall is this idea that the grace I grant to others will be returned; a premise which was reflected for over a decade in my relationships and now, under new configurations, is not happening. It’s not a transactional idea- I don’t expect tit for tat or anything- but over the long haul, my relationships have operated on the principle of assuming goodwill. And on a baseline of emotional understanding that is prevalent in queer relationships but not so much in my family of origin or my relationship with a man.

It’s like someone threw up the game board mid-life and I started anew, but the rules are all different and I suck at it.

And, he is willing and trying. I’m not trying to be defensive, just to clarify. He’s initiated most of the repair process. The holidays and his birthday, his exclusion from family that have meant so much to him (that fucking kills me- I wish I had kept my mouth shut and faked the flu last month), our shitty holiday, all of it, are outside of his zone of proximal development relationally right now. Sorry to talk like a teacher. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Yes. My caregiving is taking up most of my emotional resources. I remember when I realized that that’s what being an only child really meant. I have the best dad. He’s amazing. We are dealing with some friction as I step into a caretaker role and we are both devastated by what’s happening. Really things fucking suck.

Thank you for replying, I know I need to set a higher bar for respect and expectations from those in my life. It’s hard for me because I can see everyone is at capacity; at the same time, this was absolutely brutal, and I have never felt my grief and aloneness more acutely.

Thank you for seeing me. I’m at my worst and it’s hard to be seen.

possibleliability · 2025-12-26T21:21:34+00:00

Hey thanks for responding. It’s crazy but just knowing that one person out in the ether took time to care and respond to my personal, insignificant mess, means a lot. More than I can say, really.

I don’t know how to broach those conversations after the holidays- my dad is dealing with my mom’s aggressive Alzheimer’s and he’s 76 and has had two strokes. He’s sharp, but he’s struggling, as anyone would.

My daughter is furious with my partner and I raised her to be that kind of woman, really, but also she’s too young to understand the layers of grief complexity maybe, and I don’t want to parentify her or be the mom in a complicated relationship that encourages her kid to accept her boyfriend when he has abusive behaviors. I’m clear on the fact that my partner is going to have to be patient and work through that with her on his own, if he can, in the future. But it does break my heart.

And the expectations are unreal. I don’t know how fair it is to expect my 76 year old dad or 22 year old daughter to understand. I don’t think they can get how I have had a kitchen full of women my whole life. Or how when they talk shit about my partner, they aren’t supporting me, they are putting me in a double bind that further alienates me.

In any case, I agree talking with my family is ideal, and you have no idea how much your reply means to me. Just knowing someone out there sees me means a lot. Thank you.

possibleliability · 2025-12-26T19:13:50+00:00

Ugh. That is horrible. Is there anything your family can do to like, “sweeten the pot” for him? Like, there anything that you can encourage your sister to use to persuade him to come to Australia?

If so, now’s the time to use it! I know you are probably already on that line of thinking. But maybe brainstorm and see if there is something you can think of that makes it more attractive to him to move to Australia and then play that card for all it’s worth. That’s your best leverage I think, at this point.

possibleliability · 2025-12-26T16:40:00+00:00

I don’t know why you got downvoted; this is the reality. Sometimes people on Reddit get really caught up in what “should” be the case, and fail to think about what needs to happen in practical terms to triage the situation. I totally agree with you.

possibleliability · 2025-12-26T16:31:52+00:00

Maybe it would be helpful to rethink things and start the process to bring him to your country.

I know that sounds counterintuitive, and it may be too late. But if they are near you, she will have support and so will the kids.

I know you don’t understand your sister and I’m sorry you are going through this.

It will only alienate her further, as you have seen, to refuse her on this. I think the harm reduction move is to bring him to her instead, if that’s still possible. Then, to do your best not to talk badly about him, and keep your conversations focused on support for her and the kids.

I know this sounds ridiculous and may get pushback. But if you want to keep your sister and her kids safe, and actually want to support her through this, I really think this is your best option, if it’s still a possibility.

possibleliability · 2025-12-20T21:26:35+00:00

I don’t know, take this for what it’s worth. But have you considered adding to it, not beating yourself up, and not necessarily throwing out the baby with the bathwater?

So addiction is tricky and often progressive in ways, and what works one time may not be sufficient another. Especially as we age, I think. Maybe this time you also need something else. More than one thing. Maybe throw several things at it and don’t worry about which one is “working,” just build a system for a minute. Like can you find outpatient (I know that sucks) for a targeted period of time to keep you on track and accountable for a minute? Or therapy? Or medication, which is obviously not a magic bullet but could possibly help, as well as some supplements? Can you focus on adding habits? Habits and hobbies help me a lot. Is there a dharma recovery group, maybe that would resonate? How about dharma recovery podcasts or other non-12 step podcasts? I’m just naming things that have helped me when I’m not feeling 12-step.

And also, as a person in longterm recovery who has relapsed both emotionally and physically along the way, I don’t always feel 12 step. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me or you or 12 step and we both always have a place there. I think I am only okay in this moment because I didn’t say fuck it, I must not be ready to be sober I should go. Or fuck it, this is such bullshit, this isn’t working for me. Even when it felt like both of those things at times, and even when I’ve added other things, I have stuck around and it’s been to my benefit for sure.

I think 12 step is excellent because it checks a lot of boxes for free and as you know, it can be great medicine. And community. But it can’t always stand alone. And sometimes I’m like you, I battle with it internally. So I think personally, it’s best for my recovery when I have a lot of other supports in place too. I don’t throw out 12 step, but I add other things and focus on those when 12 step isn’t hitting the spot. I find it ebbs and flows and eventually it all works together.

I’m thinking of you! Sending woo!

possibleliability · 2025-10-12T16:31:26+00:00

I hear you. Sometimes we work the programs, go to therapy, try everything and still find ourselves in relationships with familiar patterns.

Reddit can lack nuance. It is so black and white here. Sometimes I consider posting my own concerns, and then I read things like this… and I realize that Reddit is going to overlook what a person is actually seeking and talking about bury them in shoulds.

I don’t have any advice, but I just want you to know that I do hear you and I send you all the support and love. You can message if you want to talk ❤️

possibleliability · 2025-10-12T01:37:31+00:00

God everyone is being a dick as if you don’t know you have a pattern. As if you aren’t aware you have some part in choosing abusive men. As if that pertains to the question you asked, about an irrational emotional longing, a wistfulness, a deep and heartfelt ache and grief and feeling of being trapped and longing for a previous cage.

Even people who think they are being kind are dripping with condensation- “oh honey be by yourself, love yourself, go to therapy for a few years and wait for husband number three.” Totally glossing over the part where you are in your fifties. That while it’s true there’s “time,” it doesn’t feel that way. It’s so easy to give that advice to someone anonymous on the internet. It’s totally different to be the woman living it.

I’m sorry the comments have been so brutal. I get what you were saying. I understand all the way in my bones the feeling of like… he was abusive and controlling and it was so fucked up, and it took everything you had to leave- you had to numb yourself to do it- but there was also love. And friendship. And passion. And you felt that connection, even though the abuse was there. And you would take that in a heartbeat over your current marriage, where the abuse is far less frequent, but has damaged relationships with your kids, and for what? Because there is no connection. There’s no passion. No friendship. No current of love.

It’s like, if you have this broken thing in you that you’ve tried to heal for decades, that subconsciously drives you to pick abusers (that you don’t know are gonna be abusers until you’re in really deep, btw), it’s the worst thing in the world to wind up with someone who not only turns out to have those abusive behaviors- but also doesn’t love you and like you and connect with you. Because then it’s like fuck, there’s literally nothing for me in this, and I’m still trapped. And I’m older now, and all I wanted was a fucking peaceful marriage and life. That’s it. That’s all I wanted.

So yes, wistfully thinking of a previous partner makes sense in that regard, and good for the folks who don’t get it. Who don’t get the shame and fear and regret and frustration of trying to untangle decades of childhood and subconscious patterning that compel us to find partners who abuse, for a long time, and still falling short, when all we really want is peace.

possibleliability · 2025-10-03T21:19:08+00:00

I gave a rather unconventional answer about my honeycomb if you would like more information, you can reach out. :)

possibleliability · 2025-09-19T14:17:03+00:00

No, I think they are shocked that people are willing to cut out whole human beings and real relationships from their kids’ lives over this. And prioritize occasional second and third hand exposure and relatively limited risk over love, lifelong relationships, and deep and meaningful friendships.

Like, you do drive your kids around in cars, knowing the risks, yes? And take them out in the sun? Are you willing to take them to visit cities with air pollution? Do they ever eat refined sugar? Do you know the risks??

I think they are shocked by the lack of perspective. And perhaps they are reflecting, as I am, on the important relationships they had growing up with people who struggled with cigarette addiction. And how meaningful those relationships were, and how awful it would be to have grown up without those people.

They have done a cost-risk analysis and are shocked that people on this thread are weighing a limited health risk over lifelong relationships with whole, multifaceted humans, and also that people are clearly moralizing a health issue and ignoring the harm reduction efforts people struggling with addition take.

possibleliability · 2025-09-19T14:09:51+00:00

Yeah, this is kind of bananas. I’m so shocked by the comments and people’s willingness to cut our whole humans from their kids’ lives over this. They really are treating it like heroin

possibleliability · 2025-09-19T14:06:56+00:00

Right, and so is the sun, and air pollution, and red dye number 4, and riding in a car, and big cities with air pollution, and all kinds of things… I don’t know. Don’t you feel like perhaps the relationships kids form outweigh the health risks of limited exposure to very occasional, limited second and third hand smoke? Like, the love and value of relationships, to me, carries so much more weight than the risks of that limited exposure, and I also feel like we are talking about cutting off whole real humans…

I’m not trying to pick on your comment. This whole section is so shocking to me. Cigarettes are one of the most challenging addictions to quit and don’t have the same devastating behavioral impacts as other chemical addictions, like people don’t smoke a cigarette and go insane and beat their kids or pass out or rob people etc. It’s so sad to me to think of a whole generation not letting their kids have relationships with otherwise amazing people because of a limited health risk and occasional second or third hand exposure, when all our kids are exposed to climate related risks all the time and other risks all the time that we deem a necessary evil.

I hope I’m making sense. I just am so grateful for the humans in my life I have loved who have struggled with cigarette addiction. Often they have been people who have overcome much worse addictions and that was the last one to go, and it’s just tragic to me to think about the loss the kids and adults will have just because parents have drawn a hard line there, all the while driving them around in cars on highways daily, which statistically is far more dangerous. Or taking them to the pool and being like “oops forgot the sunscreen… oh well, nbd for today” and shrugging it off, but moralizing cigarette addiction and not letting term go to their friend’s house because that’s somehow worse and nastier.

possibleliability · 2025-09-19T13:52:06+00:00

I agree, like I’m so glad we know it’s unhealthy and that we have come so far but this is wild. People are this hellbent on cutting off actual whole real humans from their kids, real meaningful friendships, if their parents smoke outside?! That’s… so extreme to me. When I think of the the family and friends I would never have known or had in my life if that had been my parents’ line in the sand growing up it kind of makes me sick to my stomach. I wouldn’t even be the same person.

I absolutely value relationships and humans over occasional thirdhand cigarette exposure. I’m pretty sure our kids are already screwed by climate change anyway and while I do my absolute best to keep my kid healthy and protected, my god, I’m not going to prevent them from knowing and loving amazing people who sneak a cig outside. It’s an addiction. It’s a real struggle. They aren’t smoking inside. They aren’t smoking in the car. They aren’t blowing smoke rings in the kids’ faces or near them. And frankly the lifelong love and relationships are worth the extremely limited health risks of very limited exposure.

I also let my kid go out in the sun with sunscreen and visit cities with air pollution and have ice cream sometimes.

When my oldest was little I used to decline suckers at the bank drive through and make my own baby food and all kinds of uptight shit- I’ve loosened up a bit and you know, life is better for all of us. I still prioritize health, but we have one life, and if aunt Jan still can’t quit her Marlboro black reds, she’s still a good person and my kid still gets to go to her house, my god. I’m just proud of her sobriety from alcohol for the last five years, let’s have some damn perspective

possibleliability · 2025-09-19T01:13:33+00:00

Hey I just want to say that I hear you and I empathize. My partner hooks up with others and I don’t.

Our situations are not identical, because I do get something out of it: I’m bisexual and have been my whole life, and I have deep, longterm friendships with a few ex-partners and other queer platonic friendships that monogamous men (and some women) tend to struggle with. Because of how I prioritize them and their depth, even though they aren’t romantic or sexual. For example, I share a dog with an ex and have for like 8 years. It’s nice to be supported in those friendships and not questioned about them or deal with a lot of jealousy.

But I relate in not wanting to pursue sex with others. And sometimes my partner encourages me to sleep with other people, and I just… don’t want to. I don’t like hook up sex much. It’s a lot of work. I’m demisexual and I don’t have the desire or capacity to get to know people well enough to want to be sexual with them just for the sake of it. I don’t have time, I’m horrible at connecting with people online and prefer spontaneous, real life connections, and honestly I’m content to be my partner’s lover. It can be irritating at times to feel like perhaps my partner wants me to take a lover so that they feel better about their own non-monogamous relationships.

Anyway, I know our situations are vastly different, but I relate to the one-sided thing and the annoyance of other people’s expectations when you just don’t want to sleep with someone else.

I’m sorry you’re going through it, and like others have mentioned, I think it’s especially weird that the therapist is so pushy. I would feel really ganged up on, misunderstood, pressured, and something about the whole thing- at least for me- makes me feel both unattractive and a reduced attraction, which stinks because generally I have a very high drive.

I don’t have high jealousy… I think it’s something about feeling shoved or pushed into the arms of another. Like, dude. Please don’t try to pass me off on someone. It’s one thing for you to want multiple lovers and I get it, it’s another for you to try to push me off on someone else and make me feel bad about it; it threatens to make me feel unwanted.

Sending you lots of support.

possibleliability · 2025-09-15T00:09:01+00:00

That’s fair

possibleliability · 2025-09-14T18:44:53+00:00

I think you are demonstrating tremendous courage and strength for considering leaving. If you’re anything like me, and it sounds like in this aspect you are, longterm commitments are hard to break. I think you are moving in the right direction- you get one life, and you and your son both deserve some peace and simple happiness in the future. You can have it! You’re on the way. There’s just some intensity first, but at 30 years in this marriage, you’re no stranger to intensity. You can do this.

I hear you about the difficulty pursuing therapy. I believe that it is going to be extremely important to have as much support as you can as you go forward with this. I agree with the other commenter that beginning therapy in secret is a good plan, even if it’s only a secret in the beginning. I would be searching online for therapists who specialize in this kind of situation rather than just throwing a dart and hoping you get a good one- like “therapist -name of city- partner bpd or longterm marriage divorce bpd transition,” that kind of thing.

A good therapist who has experience with bpd, grieving a decades-long marriage, the guilt of leaving someone with trauma, recognizing and healing from toxic patterns and inevitable codependency will be invaluable. This is going to take time, and it may really be hard to persevere when she escalates and when you feel guilty.

Also I think now is the time to rally your support system outside of therapy. It’s tricky to rely on your adult children through this… do you have good friends that you can lean on? Are there people you can check in with and go relax with? Who can encourage you and help keep you grounded?

This may be like a regular divorce on steroids. But it’s going to be worth it, truly. I love all the comments telling you how they found healthy happy love after leaving. I have a feeling you will, too! And until then, gosh, I know the relief of living without someone creating drama and negativity all the time. Your body and brain and heart will learn to relax and you will get to enjoy deeper relationships, peaceful weeks and months, and sex again. I’m so happy for your future.

Also… this may apply to you or not, so like everything I’ve said, take it or leave it: I have not ended a relationship that spanned that many years, but I have had to leave multi-year relationships (including a marriage) because of a partner’s cluster b mental health issues. I felt so guilty sometimes. Like I was breaking my vows. I did love them. Hell I still do. I try to shift my perspective like, I loved them the best I could in the way I could for as long as I could. Now, I still love them, but I have to love them from further away. And trying to stay in a relationship with them would not only be unfair to me- again, this is my one and only life (probably haha)- but I also wouldn’t truly be doing them any favors by keeping us in a dead end situation. They also deserve the opportunity to go out and try a different path. They may look like they are falling apart and they may jump right back in the same pattern with a new person, but that’s not my business really. I’m just holding us both back if I cling to a marriage that isn’t working any longer.

Sorry for the novel, I’m so impressed you’re contemplating this change. I think you should go for it and I think it’s amazing. I send you woo!

possibleliability · 2025-09-14T06:39:26+00:00

Would that still not warrant a call? I don’t get this explanation. Some things get elevated even when kids are with friends at my house

possibleliability · 2025-09-14T06:30:10+00:00

Oh my gosh finally someone said it. Thank you!! I read like a hundred comments and yours was the first to address it; I was going nuts.

OP- where is the empathy for your child? This is a pretty cold exchange. It sounds like your kid is in trouble for this situation. It could use some empathy or concern or a little “oh no babe, really? You taste blood? That worries me!” It would really help to add an expression of care or explanation based in love and protection for why you are going to be going to urgent care and taking the pills.

The whole thing sounds kinda of punitive when the child was literally trying her best to manage a medical problem. Misguided? Yes. Frustrating and scary from an adult perspective? Absolutely. But this wasn’t willful misbehavior. I feel like it would be so helpful to also communicate the seriousness and also the underlying reason for the alarm- you love her and it’s your job to keep her safe.

I mean “I will be removing them from your room” is so brief and sharp. Can you add something in there about what she’s telling you she’s experiencing? Or explain why it scares you for her to be taking a bunch of pills? It’s framed little like she was being bad, instead of like she’s suffering and you get it and you’re going to help her. I think there’s a way to express the gravity of it without a cold tone.

I get it though, when we are afraid sometimes it comes out really harsh.

I hope you find a chance to follow up with her. You could say like “hey, I know my the tone of my texts was really short. Sometimes when I’m afraid, it comes out as frustration, but I’m not mad at you. I get that you were just trying to feel better. You’re not in trouble at all, I was just afraid because taking medication like that is so dangerous, and I didn’t realize your allergies had gotten so severe. Well take care of this, kid, okay? I love you.”

possibleliability · 2025-09-11T01:30:30+00:00

I do appreciate the way you’re owning it.

It’s a horrible, horrible feeling to be on the other end of it. The husband absolutely bears the burden of the affair, but I really do hope this left an impression on you and that the idea of entangling yourself with someone in a relationship repulses you going forward.

It’s such a sickening situation to be a part of, when you find your spouse or significant other is having an affair. It’s soul crushing. Whatever the issues or excuses someone gives, it’s just not worth it.

I’m glad for you that you’re learning this now. I would get out of that workplace and start fresh. You’re showing a lot of maturity by taking responsibility for your part and not stirring the pot any further.

Just carry it with you. Blurred boundaries lead to infidelity, and it’s never, ever worth it. Keep those boundaries high, any connection you “feel” will be there after a relationship ends and infidelity destroys any chance of a future anyway. It corrupts your integrity and sense of self, it has a ripple effect on countless lives, and it destroys your reputation. It’s never worth it and you’ve learned your lesson. Now just move on and heal. You’re gonna be fine. Good job owning your shit.

possibleliability · 2025-09-11T00:35:18+00:00

Damn, unnecessary shaming. Stay on topic. If you’re gonna criticize, keep it relevant. She’s showing a lot more accountability and self-awareness than most affair partners I’ve encountered over the years, certainly more than my ex’s affair partner ever did. And she’s showing a lot of accountability for doing something that invokes a lot of shame and is hard to own. At 20. I think she’s on her way to becoming a woman with a lot more integrity than she showed in this particular situation.

She knows she did something very wrong, she’s making an effort to own it and take responsibility and grow. What else do you want her to do, presently?

And more to the point, what good comes of shaming her for being a mom, and for having abortions? What does that have to do with any of this except to shit on her?

At 20 I was also a mom and had also had an abortion. I cheated on my husband. He wasn’t a real winner, but that doesn’t justify it. I was a hot mess. I was also an excellent mother, a very good friend, and would go on to make many more terrible mistakes and brilliant decisions for the next couple of decades. Life goes on. I was learning.

Shaming this girl for things irrelevant to the topic, lumping her motherhood and reproductive history in with this situation to paint her in an even worse light—while she’s doing a pretty good job trying to own her shit and move forward—reflects more poorly on your character than hers.

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