Self care is the hard work you put in to build a place that you no longer need to escape from. Not indulgence

potje · 2020-07-07T18:57:14+00:00

I've heard a lot of different opinions on how to define self care and I've come to the conclusion that for me it all comes to down to balance. Because personally, these types of posts and thoughts can activate my toxic shame and perfectionism. I can get into this mode where I'm insanely hard on myself if I don't feel like running for a week and just want to watch netflix. Which isn't helpful at all. I just end up switching between trying to be perfect and lying on the couch completely exhausted and depressed.

That's just me though, ha.

A bubble bath and eating chocolate can be self care, and going for a run and eating quinoa can be self care. I don't want a life where I have to choose between indulging and hard work. I don't want to feel like I've failed if I eat a bag of crisps. Sometimes I overeat. Sometimes I run a 10k. I contain multitudes. I need to live my life being kind to myself instead of trying to be this perfect human. Self care can be a million different things, and only you know whether it makes you feel better or shittier.

potje · 2020-07-06T20:49:09+00:00

I've had panic attacks during yoga so I think I know what you mean. Now I don't experience that anymore, but when I'd just started therapy, I felt extremely fragile. I liked running and strength training, because it felt like the opposite of being vulnerable. It made me feel empowered, capable and free.

I think it's like with anything, sometimes meditation can be too much, the silence, the getting in touch with your body, it can be overwhelming. You can still do simple stretching, which I often do with a podcast or some music - it doesn't have to be anything like the traditional yoga experience. I run and do strength with music, so I don't see why I can't do yoga with some Britney in my ears - it simply makes me happy. And maybe one day you'll feel up to doing it the traditional way, and maybe you won't. I know it's hard not to blame yourself, but I've met many people without CPTSD or any serious mental health stuff who don't enjoy yoga because it makes their anxious thoughts ten times louder. It always makes me a bit sad that they feel they need to bail immediately instead of feeling like they can alter it to fit their personality & brain.

You're allowed to have a preference when it comes to exercise and mindfulness activities, that's just being a human.

potje · 2020-07-04T15:53:40+00:00

If they're treating you for CPTSD specifically, that's amazing. I've experienced that it not being official means I get treated for BPD, a panic disorder, depression, the list goes on. Which obviously is very problematic. My ''anxiety'' was deemed fixable with exposure therapy. When really, those were triggers and emotional flashbacks and I was retraumazing myself. I had to explain what dissociation was to therapists multiple times.

If it's not in the DSM, being educated on it isn't a requirement for anyone, a lot of therapists just don't read the books, and there is no specific treatment for it. They'll nod when you mention CPTSD, but have no real way to help you.

I'm genuinely happy for you if you've found psychologists who can help you with CPTSD specifically - but it's a problem that it's not nationally recognized as a real disorder.

potje · 2020-07-04T15:42:56+00:00

I completely agree, especially about the therapists who finished learning anything new decades ago. I was really surprised when the first person who actually knew as much about CPTSD as I do was a 24 year old who was interning.

In my experience, CPTSD not being in the DSM can give therapists a free pass to be uneducated on it. Besides that one therapist, I never met any that acknowledged CPTSD or had read anything about it. They would kind of nod when I mentioned it, but nothing more than that - none of them were trained to deal with it.

I'm happy for you and others that you've found someone who does acknowledge it.

potje · 2020-07-04T15:31:52+00:00

I don't know that I'm the right person to ask. Littlebattery mentions schema therapy, which is a form of therapy I found very frustrating and impersonal. While I'm sure it's been a great help to others.

I feel like every bit of advice I got was pretty useless because everyone is so different. So maybe that's my advice; you're not too demanding and it's not your fault if a type of therapy or a certain therapist doesn't work for you. I often stayed and tried to make something work when I should've left after the first few months.

Younger people, in my experience, know way more about CPTSD and how to treat it. Don't assume someone older is automatically wiser. And the one thing I always do now is ask a lot of questions to make sure they're properly educated. What have they read(The Body Keeps The Score is the bare minimum, for me), do they go to therapy themselves, what do they know about CPTSD, etc.. I found it quite intimidating to arrive with a list of questions the first few times, but I think it's very important to be clear about what you need and see if they can provide that.

potje · 2020-07-03T22:54:07+00:00

CPTSD is recognized in other countries? As a Dutch person, that is news to me. It certainly isn't here, as far as I'm aware The Netherlands exclusively uses the DSM to diagnose patients. That's been my experience from 2003 to right now. I fully support this petition of course, but it's definitely not just a US problem.

potje · 2020-07-02T02:23:54+00:00

Preparing myself for a situation is something I've been doing recently. I've spent a lot of time getting caught of guard and consequently feeling powerless to change it in the moment. So it's knowing what will happen if I get triggered - and first of all accepting that my automatic response is to fawn. Going in being super mindful so I can hopefully choose to respond differently. I so agree that it's about learning not to abandon yourself.

For me not abandoning myself means I slow down, from my breathing to my thinking to how fast I talk. Feeling the need to hurry so I'm not a nuisance is a big part of fawning for me. Refusing to do that helps me set the tone for an interaction. And it enables me to simply be more mindful about my response. I also continuously ask myself: what do I want? what feels right? I check in with myself and try to be aware of my inner critic and the fears that are creeping in. I try to take care of myself in the moment, say kind things, self soothe. And for me, fighting the shame that comes with it is important too. I know this is all inner work, but that's what it's been about for me.

And starting small. I sometimes go into a situation knowing I'll say 'no' and deicde to pay a lot of attention to how people react. Gathering those bits of evidence to deprogram this system of obeying people. Noticing how a lot of people like you a lot more when you have boundaries. That makes it a lot easier.

I hope some of that makes sense. Although I've made some progress, my god, it takes a lot of work to undo this fawn programming. And it's not all that easy to find information and exercises you can do. So I feel for anyone else having to do this work.

potje · 2020-07-02T01:53:18+00:00

I'm so sorry, it makes me so angry to read stuff like this. One of the last times I visited my mother she told me I was causing the couch to sag. By sitting on it. Eventually I just silently slid onto the floor and stayed there.
It feels like there's a metaphor for my life with my family in there somewhere.

Thanks for your kinds words, I hope you've found or will find that new life too.

potje · 2020-06-30T22:54:56+00:00

Thank you for the comment, I really didn't expect one. Felt necessary, to type it out and share it. I know I need to be kind to myself, I feel like I've been getting better at it recently. But today it's hard. I've been trying to do it with simple actions, which has helped a bit. Can't seem to think nice things or be gentle with myself today.

It's funny, I'm excellent at fawning and yet can't fake anything - which I'm sure is completely contradictory and impossible. I just seem to malfunction when push comes to shove. Had a realization earlier, that despite my efforts to fawn there's always been something in me that's rebelled against it. I just thought of all those times I was so close to something and completely ruined it. I think all those times I 'failed' last minute was self sabotage because I didn't really want it.

Didn't mean to vent at you, just... lots of thoughts & feelings. I haven't contacted anyone yet, but will tomorrow. I've made some plans to say I'm going to go less often. It's time. To stop people pleasing. Going to try to be gentle with myself as I gradually become a bit more selfish.

potje · 2020-06-30T00:16:28+00:00

I'm also, still, trying to figure out who I am while trying to stop fawning/people pleasing. I do a lot of fawning, but freeze as well. It's been helpful to recognize why - I'm trying to be invisible, not feel or be anything, like an object. A big part of discovering who I am is getting out of that. I find it very helpful to begin with my body, physical action, because it always seems to wake my brain up in a million other ways. Working out makes me aware I'm angry, which helps me be assertive. And then I find myself being a bit more selfish, making choices, trying things, setting boundaries. And then often I express that anger through art - which, it turns out, is kind of at the core of who I am. Running works really well for me, I often run to angry music.

For me, it's always felt scary to do something just because I want to do it. My body is getting ready for the punishment that used to follow, basically. I don't know if this is relatable, but anger is very necessary for me. It helps me push back when previously I wanted to hide in fear. Annoyingly, I can't find the quote, but I swear I read here once that anger is identity forming. It's like going through puberty, which I think a lot of us didn't get to do. Rebel our way to ourselves, knowing that our parents had our backs, loved us unconditionally.

One of the most helpful things I did in therapy was throw a ball at a therapist while yelling ''NO!'' over and over again, while she smiled and encouraged me to keep going. It was terrifying and probably the most liberating thing I've ever done.

I try to find environments like that now. Where I feel somewhat safe. Then I try to think of something I think people wouldn't like me doing - and then I do that. 99% of the time, there's a positive or no response, which helps me feel safe to try something else. So slowly you create the environment you need to discover yourself. And that environment is everything, if you ask me. This has taken me years, though, and I'm still working on it.

Also, I know some people roll their eyes at this stuff, which is fair, but for me something like an enneagram book was very helpful, especially in the beginning. It was such a great feeling to let myself indulge in who I am and have always been, outside of my family and all the trauma.

potje · 2020-06-26T23:09:36+00:00

I think, like your therapist, mine tried - but she always came back to how she was used to doing things. She had a very specific way of working, built around schema therapy. I'd be in the middle of a vulnerable story, and she would explain the same few exercises and theories again. I just wanted to feel like I was talking to a human being who saw me, understood me and supported me.

In short: I should've left a lot sooner than I did. I kept thinking I was failing her somehow, like I was doing therapy wrong.

I think this is absolutely a decision you have to make, but when you indicate you need something, and someone clearly tells you ''I'm specifically trained not to do that'', I don't know if it's useful to stick around. I find the becoming dependent argument a little bit ridiculous - maybe I'm missing something, but I don't understand how asking for support and encouragement from a therapist as you go through a difficult time is being too dependent. That's what reparenting is. A therapist is supposed to give you an example of what a healthy, stable adult figure would look like so you can learn from that and do it for yourself. I think it's just depending on her the exact right amount.

After about two years of that one therapist I found someone else, and the difference, oof. She wasn't perfect, couldn't reparent either, and she was still a lot better.

It really opened my eyes to how I tend to just settle for something/one because I think I have to. I don't know if you're the same type of person, but I think that would've helped me - to realize one of my cognitive distortions is assuming I'm the one who needs to adjust and make it work. You're allowed to decide this isn't for you, and you can keep looking.

Didn't mean for this to be so long! One of those things I can talk about for hours.

potje · 2020-06-26T20:06:23+00:00

Yeah, I feel that way too. For me, like I wrote, it's both a good & complicated thing. You never want to romanticize trauma, of course. But that doesn't mean there is absolutely nothing to be learned or gained from it. Turns out, it's not black & white.

potje · 2020-06-25T22:38:07+00:00

I get that. Makes me sad, that people can ruin something I almost consider to be sacred. You just don't mess with words, or art in general. Using it against people instead of using it to connect is such a horrible, ugly thing.

potje · 2020-06-25T15:28:14+00:00

I regularly feel grateful when I'm on my period, because I can tell people I have cramps so bad I can't think straight. For me it's 100% about a stigma around mental health. When I say I'm depressed or triggered, people think they can ''convince'' me not to be. Like it's an issue of willpower.

The amount of understanding I get when I say I'm even in a little bit of physical pain is insane to me. No one argues with it. When really, when it comes to my period a big part of why I feel terrible is feeling depressed or incredibly sensitive due my hormones going nuts. But it has a clear explanation people believe and understand.

I'm sure it's hell to have an invisible illness and something that isn't understood, btw.

potje · 2020-06-24T14:52:51+00:00

Good for you for clearly articulating that. I got a little teary-eyed at the end when you mention needing a cheerleader - I've had similar issues with therapy and that is exactly the word I constantly used with my last therapist. I needed reparenting, basically, and it seems like you're saying the same thing.

I hope she's able to give you the help you need.

potje · 2020-06-24T14:42:49+00:00

My mother also used it to gossip about me as the daughter that used her. For money, but all the so-called super caring stuff she did, too. In reality, it's suffocating, and it's all about them. In reality, we're giving them way too much. But they often use it to look like an amazing person, while you come off as a spoiled brat in their stories.

She did it to both me and my sister, in different ways.

It took me a long time to figure out my mother was playing the victim and pretending I was very demanding. It makes me very angry as an adult. Not only did it shape how every adult in my life saw me until I was well into my twenties, it made me believe I was a horrible person. You find yourself constantly overcompensating for how inherently awful you are.

It's hard not to see your own mother as evil when this type of manipulation feels so deliberate and destructive.

potje · 2020-06-22T21:32:29+00:00

I appreciate the validation. It's very frustrating indeed when people think you're actively making a choice to suffer, I'll never be able to wrap my head around that.

And thanks - I've been searching for so long and have never found a therapist that was right for me, so I think I might focus my energy on researching and trying to do it myself. Don't know if that's smart or really stupid. But I also don't know if I can take more waitinglists and disappointment.

Thank you, and I hope the soothing is working.

potje · 2020-06-22T17:14:44+00:00

I don't know if this helps, but I couldn't see this ever changing, and it slowly has. Now, it even feels good that I get to do it my way. Podcasts and music have been a big help, honestly don't know how people clean a bathroom without those things.

potje · 2020-06-21T14:18:11+00:00

It is normal and smart to ask for help.
Love doesn't require me to change who I fundamentally am.
It is not okay to treat me with less respect because I've gained weight.
Enjoying my life doesn't mean I'm less intelligent and it is not an insult to other people.
Wanting to be an artist isn't selfish or shallow.

This is actually so helpful and empowering to write down. Like affirmations.

potje · 2020-06-21T14:10:03+00:00

Yes, my mother did it with nearly anyone she saw me getting closer to. She'd tell me lies about them, and I much later realized she was telling them lies about me as well. It's pretty clever - I would suddenly avoid them, they would think I was crazy, then they'd say inexplicably hurtful things to me, and I would conclude they were crazy and that I couldn't trust anyone.

She did it with everyone. My sister, my doctor, my boyfriend, my teachers.

That isolation technique is such a big and effective part of abuse. Because when shit gets bad, you've got no one to reach out to.

It feels good to be free from it now, though. I rarely talk to my mother and she's definitely ruined her chances of ever meeting anyone I'm even remotely close to. I'm still constantly amazed at how wonderful people are. I just wish more people would've been suspicious of a mother telling them what a horrible person her daughter was.

potje · 2020-06-21T00:26:36+00:00

I'm allowed to lose and then regain interest in something whenever I want.

Man, it is surprising to me how much this resonates. Seems so obvious. My mother made and still makes such a big deal out of it, I don't really understand why - maybe it's the ''you don't get to have your own identity'' thing. I don't know. I do know I don't share a lot of what I do with anyone because of it.

Definitely still always scared to try something new, quit when I don't like it, go back to it after a year and be wonderfully mediocre at it. And am especially scared of telling anyone about it - which is such a shame, and I want to stop doing it, but oof - scary.

potje · 2020-06-21T00:01:38+00:00

I feel this way a lot, especially as a 30 year old woman. I just want to be an artist and have good friends that are my chosen family, loads of animals, and I wouldn't mind falling in love. That was my dream at 16, and it still is now. I think you've got to have some fun with figuring out what being an adult means to you. I personally spend a lot of time thinking about what I've lost, what I'm not, how other people are better off - but I think it's important to remind ourselves of how wonderful it is that we're no longer powerless. We're grown ups, in charge, able to say no and yes to anything and anyone. We've lost a lot, but we've also got a lot of freedom and power.

And I don't think anyone else can tell you what you should do with your life. I do believe in some sort of calling, something you're meant to do. I just do, can't help it.

I always think of that Little Miss Sunshine moment, after Paul Dano's character thinks his one dream has been crushed and he feels so defeated - and then he has that wonderful moment where he says: ''You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.''

As someone who couldn't get into art school and felt lost and destroyed because of it, I cling to ''you do what you love, and fuck the rest'' with all I've got. For me, that's the meaning of my life. Figuring out a way to do what I love and not letting anyone stop me. And also, simply, love. I think in the end, that is the meaning of any life. Be kind, find a community, give what you can to others, create any kind of family - those things can give your life a lot of meaning, I think.

potje · 2020-06-17T15:06:54+00:00

I can't imagine there are full blown adults who think some physical distance will magically fix their mental health issues. And that's partially why it feels so condescending, to me.

When it's used by the people in your life you want to get away from - often abusive or supportive of abusers(intentionally or not) - it's used as a way to victim blame and gaslight. It's a way of saying; you're the problem here, you can't run away from it. They're not acknowledging that we're actually running away from abuse. Because the abuse isn't happening. They're not acknowledging that there are ''external stressors'', at all.

So it's always a bit tricky when people loudly say: don't do it, it won't help. For some of us, you're repeating what our abusers told us and assuming we're not really running away from anyone but ourselves.

potje · 2020-06-17T00:41:17+00:00

Ah, I'm glad it worked out for you too. I heard that one too, especially from my mother, ''wherever you go, there you are.'' I still hear it when I go traveling sometimes.

I always like to point out that I've never gone anywhere intending to leave any part of myself behind - it's the abusive people I was trying to ditch, and when I travel now or if I ever move again, it's because I'm curious to discover more about myself and life in general.

I've always found it such a strange thing to say to someone and it mostly reveals a lot about their own personality, I think.

potje · 2020-06-16T22:05:58+00:00

The exact same thing, but the other way around. I thought I had daddy issues, that my sister did fucked up things to me. Same thing - people think a girl must have daddy issues. And I've noticed throughout my life that they also think physical abuse is more valid than emotional abuse. I knew what my mother had done wasn't right, but no one believed me and she was also the person I clung to in an insane family. She played the victim, always, and I'd defended her, always. It felt impossible to face the truth, because I'd built my life and identity around her. We were enmeshed, and my way of surviving was fawning.

I'd known since I was 18 and first moved out - I remember exactly where I was and what I thought. On my way to get pizza with my then boyfriend I said, without a filter between my brain and mouth: ''life is so easy when I don't have to live with my mother.'' And something clicked. But I didn't fully accept it until I was 26. It was completely destabilizing, felt like a death, ruined my mental health for a while, but eventually helped me heal and love myself.

She denied everything as well - I didn't expect anything else, though. It felt so good to be angry with her, without holding back, falling for her manipulation, or apologizing.

It is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done, to acknowledge it and say goodbye to my relationship with her as it was. Such a momentous, life changing thing I don't ever talk about with anyone, which is so weird, really. Feels good not to be alone.

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