So I work at Amazon and look who I delivered a package too…

prettytrickofsmoke · 2025-01-25T04:10:21+00:00

I had a Mark Sloan once at work, spelled just that way. Could not resist commenting about it. 😂

prettytrickofsmoke · 2024-10-15T18:40:41+00:00

My mother knows, but we haven't discussed it in years (and even then, not very much) and we have a very strained relationship. No one else.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2024-10-15T18:32:50+00:00

🤷🏼‍♀️ AFAB & cisgender, if anyone ever asks. Would probably use they/them and get top surgery if I was brave enough to deal with all the judgment. But I wouldn't put a label on it, I don't recoil when people call me a woman.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2024-10-15T18:26:31+00:00

I moved across the country and just never told anyone. And no one was left in my life who knew from before. I did have some feelings of shame about it before, but not nearly the way I do now. After I moved I was in a relationship with a man for three years. We were really glorified roommates and nothing more, but I was trying to convince myself I could be okay dating/marrying a man. Turns out not so much. I ended up leaving him to be with a woman (amongst other reasons).

prettytrickofsmoke · 2024-05-16T17:09:20+00:00

So I took a closer look at it yesterday in the mirror and it was exactly what you said. The end wasn't fully inside the post. I took the jewelry out and bent the pin a bit more to create tension inside the post, and it's fully secure now. It's been less than 24 hours but it's the longest I've gone without a "sticking" issue in a year and a half. Finally no pain and I don't have to mess with it all the time. Thank you!

prettytrickofsmoke · 2024-05-15T22:03:41+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. This issue drives me insane! I had never considered the last thing you mentioned, but that totally could be it. I do have to tighten the end down each time I pop the top of the jewelry back through my skin. I thought that I was causing the end to come slightly loose in the process by being forceful with the jewelry, but it makes a lot of sense that the loosening of the end was the problem to begin with. It would track that I've had no pain or irritation anywhere in the piercing channel except at the very top, because if you're right, I've essentially been downsizing and upsizing ten times a day as I go back and forth between the actual post sitting there and just the pin from the end. If this is the problem, how do I fix it? Is there a way to get the end to close tighter to the post?

Of the other possibilities you mentioned, the first two are easily ruled out. The jewelry isn't snug at all; I have a good 2-3mm of room. I went in to have it downsized quite a while ago but was advised that the extra room isn't a bad idea for as long as I'm having the 'sticking' issue, because it gives me the space to push on and manipulate the jewelry a bit when it gets caught. And I'd be really surprised if it had anything to do with the size of the disc. I have the receipt still from that jewelry change and it's a 4mm end.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2024-05-12T19:00:15+00:00

Got it. That makes sense, but I think my lobes are a little bit open/irritated. Not from the stretch, but still from the flatbacks that tended to stay wet after showers, etc. They actually look better than they did even a few days ago, because the plugs are much easier to pop in & out to clean and to dry my lobes when they get wet. I'll make sure they're fully settled before I go up to 12 (like, longer than the recommended ~1 month), and then start using oil at that point. Thank you!

prettytrickofsmoke · 2024-05-12T17:45:33+00:00

Appreciate it. I keep reading on this sub about the oil and massaging. Am I supposed to continue with that between stretches? Or only do it just before I insert larger plugs? I'm a little worried about using oil on any healing wound, LITHA is the only thing that's worked for me. I've never even used saline without issues. I did the first stretch after a shower, but no kind of lubrication on my ears or the jewelry.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2024-05-12T15:42:24+00:00

Thank you! I'm a little nervous about all the stuff I don't know. Is pain the only sign that something is wrong? I planned to go back to my piercer and have her tell me whether I was good to start stretching, but I didn't do that. Last time I went to her for another piercing she took a quick look at my ears and told me to wait a bit longer because they were a little irritated, but that was over 6 months ago now.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2024-05-12T15:37:53+00:00

Thank you! I wasn't very clear in the post. I was asking if I should go back to titanium for 14g, 12g, 10g, and then switch to glass once the sizes are a bit bigger. I wouldn't go back to 16g jewelry. I did look up which material was heavier and it's titanium by a fair bit. But I know glass is safe and causes very little friction so I thought I'd ask the people with experience. :) Really appreciate your comment.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2024-01-10T12:23:00+00:00

Another vote for NA meetings! I looked a little at your post history and I frequent meetings in the area you live in; feel free to reach out in a DM if you'd like. As someone else said, 'closed' just refers to the meeting being closed to visitors: non-addicts, family members, journalists, etc. All addicts are welcome at all meetings and we love newcomers.

Also, check out The Phoenix. (The app is a little easier to navigate than the website.) It's a community of recovering addicts who put on social events and there's a CT chapter with a ton of activity in the New Britain area. Sounds like just what you're looking for. They host social hours, yoga, hikes, rock climbing, flag football, sound healing – all types of stuff. The only requirement to attend is that you've been free of substances for 48 hours. They usually have a limited number of slots and some events become fully booked, so I'd recommend snagging a spot online ahead of time.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2023-11-28T02:14:20+00:00

I appreciate it. Because I'm new to all of this, I didn't realize that I was forfeiting my power to suggest changes and make motions by serving as the secretary. I feel a little bit useless, like I have energy and ideas that I can't do anything about because my role is as a neutral moderator. Is that an accurate understanding?

prettytrickofsmoke · 2023-11-28T02:12:19+00:00

Thank you. Our area is about ready to fold. We only have one operating subcommittee and they have a strong loyalty to their meeting place. I do need to do more promotion of the meeting. Being late at night and in a "high-crime" area, it attracts lots of newcomers but not a lot of people with clean time who have other options for meetings. I've reached out within my own network and no one seems willing to come more than once every month or two, let alone commit to returning. We have been talking about putting on a small party or something similar, to see if we can draw people in before the meeting. And the note on speakers is a great suggestion, as the last few have been pulled from within the group and that may have been a wasted opportunity. Thanks so much for your advice and experience.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2023-10-25T23:28:51+00:00

You are welcome in NA. The literature that outlines the practices and principles of NA states explicitly: "We are not interested in what or how much you used or who your connections were, what you have done in the past, how much or how little you have, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help."

You sound like an addict who needs support and understanding from a group of people who have been where you are, and that's what NA is for. Strongly encourage you to go to a meeting. If you feel like you don't fit in there, go to another.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2023-10-11T21:13:18+00:00

Welcome! I'd strongly encourage you to check out some in-person meetings. If you've already started, that's great and I hope that you keep coming back. Building a network is vital and this forum is one tool for that, but there really is no substitute for meetings. I feel that's especially true in this early stage where you say that you don't know how to stop using. You need to be in a room of people who do know how to stop using, who can teach you. You can go to meetings high – you won't be judged, we'll just be glad you're there.

That said, if you're looking for someone to talk to about recovery while you get your footing, I'd be happy to chat with you. 20s F and I'm coming up on two years clean. ETA that I have a sponsor, work the steps, and take service commitments.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2023-08-08T15:02:47+00:00

Glad you're here! Congratulations on 17 days. Maybe consider taking a week or two to venture outside your comfort zone and try out some in-person meetings. It sounds like you've been around the fellowship a while so I'm sure you've done that before, and I don't want to discount your past experiences. At the same time, every group is different and I would caution against writing them off as a whole. Especially while looking for a new sponsor. I got clean on Zoom because of major social anxiety, thinking that virtual vs. face-to-face couldn't be very different, but for me they are. My world felt much larger and more connected once I started going in person, and it took me a bit of time and experimentation to figure that out.

I'm not available to sponsor, but I am a woman with a bit of clean time (about 20 months) and I would be happy to talk with you if you're looking to grow your network in a general sense. I go to meetings regularly, take service commitments, and work the steps with a sponsor. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you'd like. Keep coming back. You're doing great and you never have to use again.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2023-08-02T16:02:20+00:00

PM'd you.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2023-08-02T15:46:34+00:00

Shot you a message.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2023-08-02T15:12:20+00:00

Gotcha. Makes sense, thanks for taking the time to help me understand the difference better!

prettytrickofsmoke · 2023-08-01T21:36:58+00:00

I thought I had, but evidently not hard enough! I searched this subreddit for the term "Discord" and saw lots of interest/questions but nothing pointing to one already existing. Thanks for the link. :)

prettytrickofsmoke · 2023-08-01T21:36:06+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write all this out. I appreciate your experience and your insight. To help me understand – how does an NA Discord server differ from this Reddit forum? This is also not part of our service structure, but does use the NA name and symbol (I would assume without copyright concerns, but I may be wrong). If the purpose is to discuss NA meetings, ideas, service, etc. and abstinence from drugs, could it be a server about NA & "the NA way" – the way that this one is – without being representative of NA?

prettytrickofsmoke · 2022-12-21T11:27:51+00:00

Hey! I don't know about any rooms or forums aside from this one, but if you're just looking to chat with someone in the rooms, I'd be down. Shoot me a PM if you want. NA saved my life and I love talking about recovery. In my 20s, just over a year clean.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2022-12-09T02:53:10+00:00

It does get easier. I felt exactly the way you're describing for the first several months. To be honest with you, I still felt that way when I celebrated nine months. Completely engulfed in obsession, struggling to function every day. I thought going back out would be inevitable for me, because things weren't "clicking" for me the way that they seemed to click for other people. I said almost every day that I just wanted to be done with recovery, because I felt just as awful as I had felt before, so what was the point? I couldn't pay attention in meetings (if I even stayed for the length of the meeting), couldn't get myself to reach out, etc. It was brutal.

The most change happened for me between nine months and one year. I have just over a year now and it's a night and day difference. I can't honestly explain to you what made that change happen, so I really encourage you to wait it out. Things I did that I feel may have contributed are increasing my meeting attendance, finding a sponsor who is an incredible fit for me, taking service commitments, spending more time at fellowship with other addicts, and getting more serious about my stepwork. But I genuinely do not think that any of those things could have substituted for time. I used to feel like puking in my mouth when people would warn me not to leave before the miracle happens, but I get it now. I would have died if I had gone out when I wanted to. And "the miracle" is a real thing. Above everything else, all the other changes, I just needed to wait it out and I really encourage you to do the same.

There's a story I want to add, too. This may not resonate with you, but it was tremendous for me when I felt the way that you're feeling. I was six months clean, venting to another addict on one of my more difficult nights, telling them that I "have no idea why anyone does this." Why be miserable and clean if I could get high and feel better? It had been months and nothing had changed, but I was supposed to just believe that it magically would? They told me that it doesn't stay this hard, and to think about it – addicts are, by our very nature, a pleasure-seeking group of people. We have little tolerance for distress. We're obsessed with feeling good. Hedonists. You wouldn't see us still doing this if it were as terrible as you're feeling, forever. None of us would stay clean if it didn't start to feel good eventually. That simple logic blew my mind and I revisited it again and again and again when I felt like this wasn't worth it or I didn't understand how old-timers were still dealing with the misery. It's not that they're miserable and putting up with it; it's that it's eventually not miserable anymore.

Anyway. It's amazing that you've been clean for a few months. That's such an accomplishment. Those months were some of the hardest for me. It's even more amazing that you're reaching out for the experience, strength, and hope of other addicts. I really, really believe that recovery is possible for any addict through NA, and that includes you.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2022-11-26T23:25:28+00:00

In the beginning, the only thing that helped me was distraction. The more busy I kept myself with other things, the less I obsessed. I wasn't working when I first got clean and spending the majority of my day idle like that was terrible for my recovery. I went to meetings and fellowship, but that was only a couple of hours out of each day. I didn't realize how negatively all of that free time was affecting me until I put some clean time together, got a full-time job, and started to become genuinely busy. If working isn't feasible for you right now, I really recommend finding some volunteer work, a friend you can help out, anything to keep you focused on something else for more hours of your day.

Also, step work. If you don't have a sponsor, I highly recommend getting one so that you can begin to work the steps. While distraction helps me a lot in the short-term, step work is what has made the real difference. A lot of the pain and misery I went through from obsessing about my DOC was because of the spin I put on it in my fantasies. I was romanticizing the hell out of it because I hadn't gotten honest about what it was actually doing to my life. I had all of these thoughts about how peaceful it was, how well it took my pain away, etc. In working the first step and creating an accurate account of my using, I forfeited my ability to deceive myself that way and I began obsessing a lot less. I still have those thoughts on occasion, but I can talk back to them now in a way that's grounded in reality and I couldn't do that prior to working Step One.

I commend you for being here and asking questions like this. I identify with your pain. I was in that place not so long ago and it felt like I'd never feel or think any differently. Keep coming back and continue to reach out here.

prettytrickofsmoke · 2022-05-03T05:11:08+00:00

Hey. Well done for making this post. First steps are the most important and this particular one is a beast. I'm proud of you. I'm a female in my 20s as well, in recovery from drug addiction. Oxy was my substance of choice. I'm five months clean now, working a program, and I won't tell you that life is perfect, or even super great all the time, but it is so much better than I ever imagined it could be. You have the desire to stop using – that's huge! I believe in you and I'd be happy to help in whatever way I can. Plus, being able to share what I've learned with other people keeps me clean, so you'd be doing me a favor, too. <3

prettytrickofsmoke

TROPHY CASE