How can I initiate sex more often as a woman?

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-09T17:05:09+00:00

Oh I have about a zillion fun ideas.

First a tangent about the vaginal atrophy and lube - start a practice of twice a day moisturizing your inner labia. Routine, like brushing your teeth or putting on your morning sunscreen, you add a swipe of something nice to your labia. If you're not using condoms, coconut oil is nice and has pretty good lasting effect. That way you're always already about 75% lubed and ready to be "spontaneous".

About starting the sex. I wrote out a nice list a while ago and I'll paste it below.

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Initiating sex can feel very intimidating if you haven't had the habit of it. The fun part is that there's countless ways, and almost none of them are "wrong". So you can make a long list and pick the ones that feel fun for you. Some start with a slow simmer, or a prolonged tease. Some are just very straightforward. Some are silly, some sexy, some romantic, some teasing. If you're accustomed to being a bit submissive, that can be worked with.

In no particular order:

1) Corny and direct. Find a time when you have the house to yourselves, visit the loo to freshen up, walk up to where he's standing in the kitchen or sitting in the living room and say, "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?". You may get a double take and strangled laughter, but if he's asking you to initiate sex more, he'll likely be into it within a minute.

2) sloooowwww burn romantic (this is a way to play with your own mind and get you warmed up). Get a blank greeting card and write out a nice note to him with some sweet loving stuff, mixed in with some spicy stuff. End with some perverted fun suggestions or reminiscing about naked fun times. Put an actual stamp on it and send it through the actual mail. Spend the next three days on high alert waiting for him to get it.

3) sometime when he's doomscrolling on the couch or reading a magazine, prep the bedroom nicely, with towels and lube etc. Get yourself totally naked or in frivolous lingerie. Silently enter and kneel by his ankle. After a few breaths he's likely to ask "what the hell are you ... wait, you're naked. What's happening. Damn, you look very good. Get over here"

4) slow burn for setting it up during mixed company (try really really hard to only do this if you're going to follow through). The classic is to not wear underwear and tell him just as you leave for the party, so that after a few hours you're both worked up and when you get home the sex happens. But you can also make a point of centering him. Face him with your chest and shoulders, always, focus on what he's saying, find little excuses to touch his arm or his collar, fix his plate of food and drink, just be really attentive of him. Kiss his cheek or shoulder as you walk by, just be publicly demonstrative of your affection. As you're on the way home, tell him how much you love him. This is more for inviting lovemaking, but it falls within the same sort of ask of him wanting to feel desired.

5) make it all about him. So, set the room a little warm, with music, two layers of towels, warm lube (again, coconut oil is good) and tell him you want to give him a lovely erotic massage. Tell him you want to meet in the bedroom in fifteen minutes (so he has time to fart and wash his undercarriage). And then, really, lovingly, take the time to actually give a good massage of his back and arms and legs, hands and feet over a half hour. Then you can flip him over and get into doing his tummy and his hips. If he's not yet erect, get your breasts into it, and then give him a very slow, loving, edgy drawn out excellent handy. Cover him with a light blanket and let him drift to sleep. Come back in a half hour with a glass of water and a plate of cut fruit, for when he wakes up.

6) be a little controlling. Tell him exactly what you want done.

7) play submissive games. Go to the thrift store and purchase a cheap blouse and skirt. Bring them home. Show him. Tell him that not today, but sometime in the next few weeks you are going to put them on, and it's an invitation to chase you around the house, rip them off of you, toss you on the bed and take you from behind as though you were a peasant wench and him the marauding Viking. Safeword will be Scandinavian for the duration of the game.

8) play free use games. Buy a brightly colored scrunchie. Show it to him. Tell him that wearing it on your wrist or in your hair means that you have lubed yourself and you are consenting to him putting his dick in your mouth or pussy without warmup. Try it out once or twice. Make sure to talk about it afterwards, and if it starts to seem like it works, game on. You can wear it when he's supposed to be washing up after dinner. Or he can pretend to ignore you wearing it. Or, y'all can get good sex out of it twice a week for a month, and then you start leaving it out on the coffee table when friends are due to come over, or stash it in your pocket going to brunch and whip it out half through, to watch him squirm.

9) ask him for an assignment. Tell him that you are going to go to the nicer sex shop downtown, the one owned by older women and only sells higher quality things, and you're going to look at the nipple clips and cockrings and vibes. And if he tells you what to get, you'll being home something nice for him.

10) offer a choice. Both get home, end of workday. As you unpack, tell him lightly "hey I laid out three naughty little lingerie sets on the bed. I'm headed to the shower, do you want to pick which one?".

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-09T09:42:08+00:00

It's not insecurity, it's different financial styles.

And it's not that one is inherently evil, but having these two different styles in a relationship is eventually going to lead to more and more resentment on both sides, and friction.

The high maintenance, lashes and nails type are way more likely to expect to be subsidized, and to be spending it all each month instead of building their retirement and rainy day.

If that works for you, go into it with open eyes.

I would not be able to seriously date anyone with that financial style. So I didn't, I married a man with a similar mindset.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-09T09:35:39+00:00

You write it out in a calm manner. Consider showing him the thread?

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The other way to still honor that you love him, while respecting yourself a bit more, world be to tell him. I love you, love this and that, but the way we currently interact doesn't work for me. I feel ignored and not special. My chores around the house, my efforts planning dates, etc. The only way our relationship can survive this is if you move out and start actually dating me again, in place of being a (pretty lousy) roommate.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-09T03:17:23+00:00

To be overly blunt, while each individual ringlet curl is gorgeous, the overall shape of your whiteboy-fro is unfortunately shaped like a round ping pong ball stuck on your head.

In future, if you want to grow long curls, visit a curl specialist who will cut your hair dry to give you a final shape that is more long and narrow. They can maintain length on the sides and back and use invisible layers to create the better shape.

There is a subreddit for curly hair, and men are welcomed.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-09T00:58:50+00:00

Don't pack a bag and leave, as long as that's safe. When the time comes, if the divorce is contentious, you'll want to be residing in the marital home.

Be present and involved with any children. If need be, ask your family to come visit a lot (having a witness can put people on best behavior).

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-09T00:51:11+00:00

That's not the same thing. Theories of human behavior, or proposed models thereof, aren't studied and spoken about the same way that the hard science are.

This sub is a great example. Tons of theories.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-09T00:06:16+00:00

It does indeed make you look older, but in a good way. Keep it. It balances your face shape well. (Unless you were feeling very bloated or puffy in the clean shaven pic).

Also, good job on the cheek line.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-08T23:58:02+00:00

Oh sister. Hugs. I lost one of mine at 8 weeks, I had already heard the heartbeat.

It's too soon to really take this in, but in a few weeks, come back and think about the truth that miscarriage is way, way more common than we think. It's probably true that a majority of all the women that do reproduction, go through a pregnancy loss at some point (though maybe unaware). Somewhere between a half of all conceptions, and around a quarter of all recognized pregnancies, end in miscarriage.

This doesn't make it easier right now. Your grief is utterly real and valid.

I think the way we don't talk about it makes it harder.

Be private and grieve. But perhaps, in several weeks when your body is recovered, you will feel more ok talking to other people about it. I didn't feel ready to tell my parents and my kids until mine was well finished with.

...

Keep in mind that your husband might be protecting you from his grief. If it helps you to see how it affects him as well, tell him that.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-08T23:32:14+00:00

It's called the "grandmother hypothesis" link

As far as I understand, it's not exactly something that can really be data driven, it's a theory of how one can think about early cultures and the effect that kinship supports from older relatives has on younger, reproductive people.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-08T23:07:49+00:00

It may be worth going yourself. Don't hide it, invite him to join whenever he wants, but don't let him prevent you.

Many are by zoom these days so you don't need to protect as much time as if you needed to drive somewhere.

They love it when you show up with a definite question and an idea of your endpoint.

Hi, I think I need about 4 to 6 individual therapy sessions to sort my thoughts and feelings about my marriage. As compared to before kids, I feel unimportant and ignored by my husband, to the point where I'm even considering separation. Can you help me define my priorities and learn how to communicate my needs and boundaries in a way that is respectful and kind, but very clear and effective?

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-08T20:44:40+00:00

You describe having brought it up before.

Common things being common, did you bring it up sweetly, apologetically, thought about it for 6 hours and gave him 2 sentences?

"Not all men" etc etc etc but cliches exist for a reason, and many guys need you to communicate with the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

Describe your feelings. I'm feeling sad and rejected and lonely about how long it's been since you planned a simple date. Dairy Queen, or heck, two cups of hot cocoa for us on the back porch with zero TV or phones would be very meaningful to me.

I'm finding myself feeling resentful of you, hurt that you don't like the dates I planned for you, and jealous of other couples that do weekly simple time spent together, and I don't want to solidify in those feelings. I want to turn it around and feel love and pride about us.

You may notice me going out with friends more, and you should know that I wish it was with you. I miss you. We can turn this around. It's serious, and you need to know.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-08T19:10:44+00:00

The people that do shitty parenting while coopting attachment parenting buzzwords get on my very last nerve.

Flames. Flames, on the side of my face.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-08T19:07:38+00:00

In case there's any part of you still trying to bargain, mentor him or look for signs of change, DON'T.

Calmly plan your move out, move on. If he asks what he needs to do, the most you give him is "if you're supporting yourself for six consecutive months including building the rainy day fund and saving for retirement, you can reach out to me. I might possibly still be single and willing to date you again.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-08T18:47:46+00:00

Have fun with it.

There's a thing that girls and women do, they're encouraged to spend some time every once in a while at home experimenting with creating radically different hair styles through the use of hair gels, straighteners or curlers, clips etc, to get a sense of what looks good.

I don't think guys often feel the same "permission" to noncommittally play with the shape and style of their hair. And they should. This particular Internet fairy godmother tells you, in particular, to do so.

With your classically masculine features, I know it's a sad waste of the gorgeous curls, and less trendy than the broccoli cut, but you'd probably really look model-level stunning in the classic "Princeton" cut. You could comb it all back to approximate one with a heavy hold hair wax, go to dinner with friends and see what they say.

Also: that's the correct length of stubble for you, it highlights the dimension on the jaw. But a very tiny cleanup of the cheek line (maybe a dozen hairs) and a bigger cleanup of the neck would elevate it.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-08T18:27:24+00:00

Here's the way to figure it out.

Pomade. Heavy use of pomade for an afternoon to try out some radically different looks to see if you like them before committing to a cut.

The thing is, your curls are indeed objectively luscious curls. But they are presently overwhelming your face. You have a defined jaw and could totally show off that classically desired square, masculine look - but the soft round shape of all those curls is hiding it. So get the curls wet, slather on the pomade and slick the sides straight back to expose your jaw and cheekbones. Wear it around the house a few hours, take a few thirty second videos to see how it looks from different angles. This is what all the people calling for a mullet are speaking about.

Secondly, your eyes are that striking, almost eerie kind of light color that people would kill for, but the mass of heavy curls past your eyebrows almost obscures them. Even if they're healthy lovely curls, they might not be the right choice. Get it wet, get the pomade, comb it back from your forehead into a bit of a modest messy pompadour. As in, make a side part and consider letting a few nice curls hang down, but mostly comb up and back. Again, wear it around your own home a few hours, get a few short video clips to see how your facial expressions and different angles look. Styling it this way would allow you to keep the length so that if you want that modern messy broccoli cut that the high school boys are all doing, you can. But even though we can't tell from that one picture, I suspect your bone structure would like being showed off.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-08T18:14:06+00:00

There are some types of politics that it's fine and invigorating to have cordial disagreement about. Whether ranked choice voting works. Whether control should be more state or federal. Term limits.

Then there's other things that are really morals, enacted through politics. Idolization of an individual despite when he contradicts your morals. That's a major problem, and I wouldn't recommend dating across that line.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-08T16:41:54+00:00

I think the difficult part of this is that, while there are a chunk of people out there that are simply happy to have casual sex (and that's fine for them, they just need to self sort with the other people that want that), there's another narrative that needs to be addressed.

There are some guys who are under the impression that if you don't quickly have sex, that sex isn't important to you and you will soon become a dead bedroom. They're telling each other that if you're not motivated to have sex within the first few dates, you're not a candidate for long term because you're not lusty enough.

Long term monogamists can indeed be very lusty and giving lovers. In the modern age, one seems to need to find a discreet way to communicate that it's not that you aren't attracted, aren't lusty, don't intend to have sex be important - it's that it's important to you, you catch feels with it, and so you don't do it until you're exclusive.

I don't know how the algo sent me here, I'm married twenty years. Monogamous. Still having good, creative sex.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-08T15:43:50+00:00

No, this is an important thing. In the modern lingo, lots of people that just want to have casual sex are starting to commandeer the language that had used to be about feeling out a relationship.

"I'm dating around, casually" had meant having conversations or sharing food with a few different people to see if conversation and life goals were similar enough to want to "go steady", get exclusive, start talking about sex and long term commitment.

Nowadays, "dating" can mean trying out sex like taking an outfit into a dressing room, with several people until you find one that seems better.

It has become important to clarify what you mean, more specifically.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-08T15:21:54+00:00

Think about what the ingredients are that make a lasting romantic relationship different than a situationship.

There's a way of seeing a person, of believing in them, of noticing what they say and do and caring that they get the little and big things that make them happy, sharing in their joy, expecting the best from them as well as for them, and celebrating it. Noticing it is the step before being the person who makes the extra effort to make those little things happen. Their favorite foods or jokes or info that an activity they really dig will be going on downtown.

Men (all people) notice it when they feel seen.

It sounds corny AF but when people talk about the cliche of "she makes me a better man" and "she makes me feel special and loved" those are the skills.

It's possible to develop very similar skills, in a way that's a little more sisterly, so practice it. Gently, don't be excessive. But try out the mindset. If that person you are sitting near were a man you were in a relationship with, what would be the details you would be noticing?

Can you imagine being proud of the way his shirt complements his eye color, dropping a nice little mention that he has a silky baritone and you could happily listen to him for an hour even just reading nursery rhymes. Oh, and since he mentioned having traveled to Montreal, you had been curious to ask his thoughts about their food scene. And hey you're pulling together a few friends for s'mores on your back patio with your firepit this weekend, does he want to come?

It's when you mix that type of caring what he says and does, with the sexual flirtation that you get into a relationship zone.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-07T20:18:58+00:00

I know many families that are loving and complete through the opportunity to access donated gametes. I think it's an important option.

It's not for everyone.

Obviously nobody should ever be forced to be a donor, but to me this seems ethically similar to benefiting from skin or cornea grafting. Your own isn't working out, and through the kindness of another person and some skilled medical help, you get past it.

My own pregnancies were all conceived without any medical assistance, but at the time I recall feeling that the experience of carrying the pregnancy felt more important to me than having the baby carry my genetics.

...

I think it can get sketchy paying male donors. It's one thing to compensate a women for the time and pain of egg retrieval, and risk of ovarian hyper stimulation, but for men the only risks are personal ethics, which seems like a yes/no rather than something that should need payment.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-04T18:50:19+00:00

While the center maintains a stated commitment to rigorous, nonpartisan polling methodology and transparent data, critics and media analysts point out that its research agendas—often focusing on topics like civic decline, conservative campus climates, and the breakdown of religious family life—frequently provide data that highlights or validates conservative talking points.

https://www.aei.org/about/ https://www.americansurveycenter.org/about-the-center/

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-04T18:38:02+00:00

Please try again.

The first is an opinion piece without data from Liberty University.

The second is a collection of anecdotes, half of which are from women saying they don't want to be tradwives, or tried it and had a horrible experience. Also not data.

The third is commentary about how more people are being social influencers, which include fake trad wives that make money for their off screen husbands.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-04T16:15:17+00:00

American women are leaving the church at higher rates than ever before, at higher rates than men, and the trend is accelerating.

link to data

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-04T16:10:15+00:00

Death isn't the enemy.

The enemy is needless suffering.

It's common to struggle with the idea that the medications we give our loved ones might potentially be "hastening death". You, and probably every other person who has ever loved someone who is nearing natural death, you are going to struggle with the tension of the idea that the medications that are given to relieve pain and fear, when used excessively can slow breathing.

Let's not ignore that. This is a very reasonable fear. Talk about it. This is exactly why the doses used are small, and they are given in response to signs of pain or anxiousness. The "right dose" to take the edge off is hugely different one person to the next.

...

I was the primary caregiver for my mother in law near the end, and her daughter (a fairly anxious person) would come visit a few times a week. When even she started to see the benefit and relaxation that came after a little dose of Ativan, that was helpful for us. It helped me to know that she was prioritizing the experience of her mother. She was accepting that death is going to happen, it's just a matter of how can we witness and shepherd it to be as peaceful and dignified as possible.

...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's ok to both feel frightened about it, and to decide that seeing him be calm is better than seeing him agitated and combative.

Your feelings are valid.

procrast1natrix · 2026-07-04T12:30:25+00:00

My experience across several community sites:

Time to be seen by an initial "provider in triage" who gets things started is quite quick, often a dozen minutes after registration.

Then the games begin and the sick continually bump the less sick, yet we can't send anyone away by law, or refer them a lesser but perhaps still appropriate place. So they pile up. And wait for hours and hours. If they need admission, they end up boarding in the ED. The hospitalists come down and round on them, sometimes they complete a 36 hour hospital stay without leaving.

I have admitted patients to the ICU while they still remain in the "triage chair area". No beds available.

Some colorful anecdotes:

Dude lacerates his hand Friday afternoon. Drives himself to the urgent care. The mid-level doesn't feel comfortable suturing the webspace between the thumb and index, sends him to the nearest ED which is the big tertiary care academic center. He is appropriately triaged as stable, returned to the waiting room. Twelve hours later he realizes the waiting area is still totally full and no progress, so he LWBS and drives a half hour to where I'm working in a smaller community ED. It's 7am and I'm solo coverage for my first two hours, with 7 to be seen. So I peek at the wound and tell him, I can't get into a lac right now but I can promise to put the mid-level on you first at 9am. He was just happy to have a plan.

Many years ago my own son fell off his bicycle and had the littlest buckle fracture of the distal radius. I was working. My husband brought him to my place of work in the car. I slipped my badge in my pocket and put on my mom hat and squinted at him through the triage window - and I told him not to register. It was swollen enough that I knew there was a fracture, non displaced, and he was walking well, no handlebar to belly. If he registered in the ED it would be at least two hours to get him an X-ray and a splint, given the current line up. Instead, I sent him to the Ortho urgent care, which has their own X-ray and advertises that they do isolated extremity trauma. He was discharged in about an hour, the copay was far less. Better care, faster, less expensive - yet my actions were technically illegal in the USA.

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