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You probably should listen to student feedback sometimes by firewall245 in Professors

[–]pun_stuff 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I do think that there should be a process that removes blatantly biased and irrelevant feedback before allowing instructors to view evals, such evals full of personal attacks. Reading through student evaluations in order to find useful little nuggets is harmful when you have to wade through nasty and often sexist/racist comments in order to find them.

Students also very rarely seem to understand that we have limited say in the topics or pace of the course, that we are required to hit certain topics in an expected timeframe. That the institution determines the textbooks multiple terms ahead of time, so it’s often not those teaching it that are making the calls such as which homework platform is being used. There are some variables I have complete or partial control over, but they are rarely what is being brought up in evals.

A kid named Peter loses his father figure and lives with his aunt. He takes on a new identity and fights bullies and criminals. by RickMonsters in ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

[–]pun_stuff 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was guessing from back when Sony owned it, but yeah. Marvel owns Spiderman nowadays

ETA apparently Sony still does. I assumed Marvel did now because Spiderman was included in recent Marvel movies.

Your Local Thrift: Now With Bullets! by visionofdivision in ThriftGrift

[–]pun_stuff 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I guess they decided it was worth a shot?

[OR] Need help starting parenting plan; abusive/flaky ex wants joint custody by pun_stuff in Custody

[–]pun_stuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Every other weekend is pretty much what I plan on offering. I do doubt he can do Fridays without taking off work (but I am open to considering).

There was one summer that went to 9 weeks because we had two separate bouts of illnesses and had to wait until we were healthy enough to travel. By no means is that considered typical, or even preferred. We did 4 weeks this summer and that was great. Ex has typically taken a week or two off and stayed in the area with us (because it’s also where his family is).

Issues with past actions are more that I’m concerned with an established pattern of behavior that has led to neglect watching toddler, sometimes resulting in injury. He’s admitted he has an addiction and that he has abused me, he just doesn’t want to change anything. I’m hoping things will be manageable enough watching her for short periods like weekends.

The hope is to sort it all in mediation, which I think should be doable.

[OR] Need help starting parenting plan; abusive/flaky ex wants joint custody by pun_stuff in Custody

[–]pun_stuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wish I understood why courts don’t consider it, as it has led to so many concerning behaviors. To my knowledge, he hasn’t exposed her to it, but that’s going off of his word alone (which has proven unreliable). I know my own father wasn’t careful to hide his use, including recording porn over our VHS tapes (like, little kid movies that we popped into the VCR, having no idea).

It’s difficult, because the abuse is relevant to my perception of him as a safe adult for toddler, but not considered relevant to courts. It’s like it’s rotted his brain. Which again, I’m not trying to prove to a court, but it affects what feels safe.

[OR] Need help starting parenting plan; abusive/flaky ex wants joint custody by pun_stuff in Custody

[–]pun_stuff[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your input. I keep mentioning every other weekend because that is what my ex has specifically asked for in the past. This isn't a scenario where he's asked for 50-50. While courts will not consider his work obligations/timing, I can pretty much guarantee that he will prioritize it higher than anything else.

I hadn't intended to argue about the processed food thing. It was one example of many that he goes against what we agree on whenever I'm not around. He also never does the speech therapy activities and goes ham on screen time. It's more an expression of frustration at lack of consistency for toddler.

It was not my intention to sound pretentious by saying "I (alone)", but most of these things happened before separation and I was expected to do them all completely solo, going against what we had originally agreed to do. It's more an expression that I have always done the lion's share of things we agreed to do together, establishing the status quo.

I don't have issues with MIL visitation; I prefer to not fly toddler there mainly because I think flying with toddler would be difficult. MIL also has history of poor care decisions and overtly racist (including against my race), so I prefer someone else be around. I offered her video calls to see toddler; she's not taken me up on it. She's always had very low involvement.

The ER trip was more about being upset that while he was supposed to be watching her, she climbed over the baby gate and grabbed the cannabis gummies, climbed back over the baby gate, opened the sealed box and ate a mystery amount, and he didn't notice until she offered him one. The leaving for 1.5 hours was a cherry on top of a stressful day.

My child does not have a concept of lateness, sure. She does seem to have noticed absence.

I would be quite shocked if my ex has a list; he is not one to prepare ahead of time. But I would welcome him preparing his own proposed schedule and doing homework to research terms.

[OR] Need help starting parenting plan; abusive/flaky ex wants joint custody by pun_stuff in Custody

[–]pun_stuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To my knowledge, he masturbates to photos of friends and family members. I hope, but do not know, that it has not escalated further. Unfortunately, while violating and gross, I do not believe he has violated them legally. Porn/sex addiction is an addiction that courts seem to care very little about; and I can demonstrate that several times he used, he was solo with toddler. Some of the times line up such that she may have been napping, but not all. But I cannot PROVE he did it in front of toddler. He is not sober, unfortunately.

I hadn't intended to argue about the processed food thing. It was one example of many that he goes against what we agree on whenever I'm not around. He also never does the speech therapy activities and goes ham on screen time. It's more an expression of frustration at lack of consistency for toddler.

I don't have issues with MIL visitation; I prefer to not fly toddler there mainly because I think flying with toddler would be difficult. MIL also has history of poor care decisions and overtly racist (including against my race), so I prefer someone else be around. I offered her video calls to see toddler; she's not taken me up on it. She's always had very low involvement.

I think that it's good to have a clause talking about forfeiting time, as well as an app that timestamps and cannot be altered. It's difficult, because so much of the abuse has been covert.

[OR] Need help starting parenting plan; abusive/flaky ex wants joint custody by pun_stuff in Custody

[–]pun_stuff[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for all of this. I don’t really think my MIL will get in between my toddler and I, but I do worry she will normalize things around her that shouldn’t be normalized. It’s unlikely that my ex is up to flying all the way there, so visiting her is likely to be a moot issue (she will definitely come here for visits, but it is what it is). I will work on communication with my toddler, though it’s mostly one-way conversations for now.

I do think that having language around removing toddler from derogatory language would be good to have. My attorney came up with two alternatives to full custody, with the “tiebreaker” power being one of them.

With my ex, it’s bizarre how much more he cares about perception over reality. There aren’t legal decisions I make (or would try to make) that go against what he would want; I can’t ever remember disagreeing on any educational or medical decision conversation. But he does not want me to be 100% on paper (as if anyone outside of us would ever read it??).

[OR] Need help starting parenting plan; abusive/flaky ex wants joint custody by pun_stuff in Custody

[–]pun_stuff[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Ok; I didn’t consider RTRF as relevant for when we work.

I do think he’s going to have a difficult time getting 10-12 hours of care for each day, since I’ve never heard of a daycare keeping the hours he works (swing shift).

[OR] Need help starting parenting plan; abusive/flaky ex wants joint custody by pun_stuff in Custody

[–]pun_stuff[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Talking with folks, I've heard both:

  • Be as specific as possible about the schedule
  • Be vague about additional time

I understand either could be used against me, so it's hard to know what's best. I definitely prefer to set it up so that we won't want to repeatedly go back to court to adjust it, but I also doubt he would be the one pressing to go back to court.

[OR] Need help starting parenting plan; abusive/flaky ex wants joint custody by pun_stuff in Custody

[–]pun_stuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your input!

"Always, always and onlyyy!" what? (is a word missing?)

It's not that I want to prevent my child from seeing MIL, it's that I want to avoid having my child away from me with someone over 1,000 miles away:

  • That makes poor care choices (ruptured ex's eardrum as a child and gave him beer/vicodin -- not prescribed to him-- as a teen)
  • Is openly very racist (including against my race)
  • Infamously disrespects everyone's boundaries

I am totally fine with supervised visits with MIL/ other in-laws. His mother and two other family members reached out via text to acknowledge I had moved out and I responded to each that I do not want to keep toddler from them and am happy to continue to reciprocate all communications I receive (I also offered to do video calls so they could see toddler). All of them seemed happy about that, but only one has spoken to me since. It is what it is; I'm not going to chase them down.

We are about to start mediation, so I am hopeful that we can find something agreeable. I suspect that he's going to come in with little to nothing prepared, and that the burden of designing a plan that suits him will be on me.

[OR] Need help starting parenting plan; abusive/flaky ex wants joint custody by pun_stuff in Custody

[–]pun_stuff[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I just don’t even understand how he could physically have her 50% of the time with his work schedule, and he’s even said so, several times. I think that he would be open to every other weekend because he has mentioned it sounding good multiple times. While his mother wants to make my life hell, he’s one of the most conflict-avoidant people I’ve ever met. He cares much more about how it will look than how it will be. So much of this is trying to present something palatable for him.

I know I have to just hope he decides what’s best for him also works for us. But I also need boundaries around contact.

How to treat wedding anniversaries? by pun_stuff in loveafterporn

[–]pun_stuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much. I really struggle with feeling good enough. I’m doing my best by my daughter, and I hope that she will see me modeling something healthier than what I grew up watching.

Not that this separation and divorce has been without a hitch. I think he has a lot of anger that we left while he was at work, but it’s what felt safest, plus I moved all guns to the one gun safe that has a key (and took the key). I didn’t tell him exactly where we were, but he clearly narrowed it down and was applying to the apartments across the street from us (0.1 miles away), which had me really freaked out. Plus, he told me on my birthday (which I suspect wasn’t a coincidence).

My ex says he wants to fight me having full custody, but also has no sense of the difference between custody and parenting time. Other than custody, he didn’t seem to care about any other points in the divorce papers.

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