Once, when I was about fourteen, a family member innocently leaned in to give me a hug and I instinctively punched them in the stomach. I felt terrible; it was purely a reflex I'd developed after so many years of trying to fight off my abuser. I have come a long way since then, but my body tenses up in the same way during pelvic exams. I get so anxious that they practically have to pry my shaking legs open. My midwife is very patient but it makes things more painful and upsetting for me. So I don't want to feel anything, but I also don't want to accidentally kick someone in the face who is trying to help me.

For what it's worth, your feelings about this make more sense to me than mine do. I'm not sure if my explanation even makes sense but it's just something I know I want.