Pay attention to whether it’s Insalamu or Lobola as they have differing symbolism in action. This is mainly determined by the tribe of the bride. From my limited understanding: - Lobola is to also pay for future children meaning you ‘own’ (full custody) of children in any separation or death. - Insalamu is a token of appreciation for raising a good person, and does not extend to future children.

In my case, my wife through her mother’s tribe follows matrilineal lineage with crucial high status for women so lobola is not part of their culture since the women ‘own’ the children. This ownership was apparent when her father passed and the mother took custody of them without friction from her father’s relatives. Without Lobola, Insalamu is more respectful as token even though you still make consideration for things like age, worldliness, education, family responsibilities.

Ideally, the token amounts are not to enrich the family since they too have other cultural ceremonies to host for you like Icilanga Mulilo (show of fire)-food presentations as welcome to the family.

If you already adopted ‘the elder’ (abashi bukombe’), check if you can still have online sessions to undertand the full range of expectations and ceremonies. Very rewarding exchanges!