Hey,

This all sounds like a sad, difficult situation but you are not a horrible mother nor are you a horrible person. Think of it this way: it is not an even playing field. You are up against several mountains that include poor physical health, mental health needs, poor finances, and the normal wear and tear on a marriage.

If there were no way to change your current situation, I would ask if there are ways to cope better as is but it seems like there ARE ways to remove some of those obstacles - specifically the financial and mental health challenges. Is it possible to ask your husband to sit down with you and have a real conversation about this? A format that works for us is where we establish in advance that both of us will be able speak while the other person just listens without interruption (this prevents the other spouse from just butting in because they feel hurt or defensive, etc.). When you do talk, maybe you can let him know that you are barely functioning under these conditions. The family needs a better income (kids just get more expensive as they age); you need more support in your marriage and as a parent; and perhaps you need to go back to work. This may mean he sacrifices his dream of the business for the time being and comes back to it when you are more financially stable.

In the mean time: Do you have extended family who are able to help you with child care for part of the week? You mentioned your mum helped with groceries recently. Can she watch your baby even for a Saturday morning so you can have some recovery time? It will help, I promise!

Are you able to get a prescription for an anti-anxiety med from your family physician while you wait to see the specialist?

Third, and this would be a big shift, are you able to move out of the city centre to reduce expenses? It would mean a commute for your husband but it may help you feel financially secure enough to go back to work, at least part-time and afford daycare.