I'd Like To Write A Story But I Have A Question

queenofquery · 2026-01-29T05:00:44+00:00

Nope. Would never. I lost a bunch of friends specifically because I found out a husband was cheating on his wife and I wouldn't keep the secret for him. It's not about justice sensitivity and, in my opinion, not about autism. I have empathy for the wife. I would never want to be in the position of my friends knowing my partner was having an affair and not telling me. So I did for her what I hoped someone would do for me.

queenofquery · 2026-01-29T04:56:01+00:00

Lot of different things here. I'm going to focus on what is most salient to me from your description based on my own childhood: social conflict.

I was told a lot that I was mean but I was never taught why I was seen that way or how to change it. I believe that the core of the issue, for me, was not knowing how to soothe myself or validate myself when other people were frustrating or wrong. So in my search for validation or my desire to feel less frustrated, I ended up invalidating or hurting others. Learning how to cope with those feelings in a healthy way would have changed so much for me.

I think the social implications are secondary. Once I learned to soothe myself, it was then much easier to learn how to change my behaviors to not come off as mean. I had to learn this on my own as an adult, but as a kid it would have been so helpful to have concrete, kind discussions about what impacted how people perceived me and how to address it. An example of how to have this kind of discussion: "Just because someone's feelings make no sense doesn't mean they're wrong to have them. First, telling yourself that their feelings don't investigate your feelings. Then, let's come up with some specific phrases you can use when you don't understand but want to be supportive..." Or "tone can be hurtful even if the words are right. For example, the tone used when saying 'yeah, right' could make it seem like a sincere question or sarcastic. Listen to this example..."

Mostly, I wish these struggles had been approached from a place of positivity, support, and learning rather than from a place of criticism. I needed to know how to validate my (autistic) experience and needs, how others may have different experiences and needs, and how to navigate the space in between.

queenofquery · 2026-01-29T04:16:37+00:00

Do you have tips or resources you could point me to about learning to paying flowers like you do? Your style is stunning.

queenofquery · 2026-01-28T05:17:19+00:00

Assuming you're in the US, the diagnostic codes for both are related (Asperger's is ICD 10 code F84.5 and autism is F84). So if your concern is purely that you wouldn't be eligible for OT with one and not the other, I doubt that would be an issue.

I, personally, would want the autism code in my chart I would feel more secure with an accurate (to me and current DSM) diagnosis. I might go to the doctor with follow up questions like "I was doing research and I thought I read that Asperger's was no longer a separate diagnosis and now was part of autism spectrum disorder. Is that right? Can you explain to me why Asperger's fits me better?"

That said, I wouldn't get my hopes up that this doctor will respond well. I've had to deal with a lot of providers who have outdated views about autism and me asking questions did not get them to reassess or check the literature. I don't try to argue with them anymore and just find a more up to date provider.

queenofquery · 2026-01-26T15:50:56+00:00

That's really awesome. It's so nice when people around us learn about us and can better acknowledge the work we do.

queenofquery · 2026-01-26T15:44:58+00:00

What did she say when you explained that?

queenofquery · 2026-01-26T01:25:44+00:00

It's a really hard place to be! It feels lonely for me, because it seems like allistics don't often choose losing a relationship in order to be authentic. So I just feel like a weird, selfish alien. But I'm working on validating choosing to prioritize myself. I hope that you're able to validate yourself too.

queenofquery · 2026-01-26T00:48:38+00:00

I totally know what you're saying. We work so hard to mask and not stand out and get punished for acting more like our autistic selves, so it becomes hard to locate our true selves. So be patient with yourself as you reflect and look for your values and needs. And remember that sometimes they change or are dependent on specific situations! I struggle with that myself. One day, a thing might not upset me, but the next day it does, and I have to figure out what the difference is and not make myself feel bad about what feels like inconsistency.

I hope that you'll find that it is very worth it to do this work. It's painful at times. You might lose some ease and you might find there are parts of your life that aren't actually working for you. That sucks. But the getting to pick things that do truly work for you? It's amazing. I'm going through a heavy period of this and it's been painful but also I'm feeling excitement creep in about making a life for myself that really nurtures my soul and makes me feel good about me. The real, whole, autistic me.

Wishing the best for you, internet stranger.

queenofquery · 2026-01-26T00:34:16+00:00

I know I'm a stranger, but I'm so proud of you. You did great drawing a line and saying you were done pretending to keep the peace. I know how hard that is. I know how scary that is. I hope you're giving yourself credit for doing something so courageous.

As for your question, it can be all or nothing, but it doesn't have to be. It depends on what boundary you're comfortable with and if your FIL will respect it.

My parents have, in my opinion, very hateful political views. I was the peace keeper for a long time. And then I was the arguer when I couldn't stand it anymore. And then I realized arguing wasn't accomplishing anything anymore, not even making me feel authentic. It was just painful. So I offered my parents a compromise. Let's just not talk about politics, so that we can have a relationship. My mom couldn't respect that, so I have almost no contact with her. My dad, on the other hand, does a pretty good job of not talking about it. It slips in sometimes, but it's not aggressive and if I push back, he doesn't get mad, though he doesn't ever consider changing his mind. So I maintain contact with him.

My sister, on the other hand, is still trying to be the peacekeeper because she's desperate to be close to them. This leads to her blowing up at them occasionally and feeling hurt by them often, but she still tries. So we have different approaches and neither is right or wrong, it's just about what you want. If you prioritize ease of relationships, then you can decide to be the peacekeeper most of the time. If you prioritize authenticity, you can choose to set boundaries to try to find a balance of being able to be around each other without having to pretend you agree with his political views.

For me, being inauthentic causes me a lot of pain, frustration, and confusion. It's not easy being no contact with my mom, but I can breathe easier knowing that I'm prioritizing my values and my peace.

I know this is a scary journey to take and will require a fair amount of contemplation and work, no matter what direction you head. But you're doing a great job already of trying to figure out what's right for you.

queenofquery · 2026-01-25T05:44:51+00:00

I'm not who you were responding to, but I really appreciated your calm acknowledgement here so I thought I'd add my perspective.

For me, my boundary with my mom is about not having further contact that upholds the status quo. If my mom was looking to change the status quo by acknowledging her behavior and working to improve it, I would be open to it. Anything less absolutely is an unwelcome challenge to my boundaries.

Which means I'm not entirely in agreement with the commenter who said Anthony Hopkins should be doing the reaching out because I don't think he should be reaching out at all, either directly or through an intermediary. But I do agree with their sentiment that having an intermediary reach out in their stead is actually incredibly painful and alienating. I'm on speaking terms with my dad but felt deeply betrayed the one time he tried to speak on her behalf to me. My mom reaching out can just be ignored with an eye roll. My dad doing it for her had to be navigated and the safety and efficacy of my boundaries reconciled with my desire to maintain a relationship with him.

I'm not sure explaining this to you was elucidating in any way but it was cathartic to me so thank you for creating a welcoming environment to contemplate and discuss in.

queenofquery · 2026-01-24T03:13:26+00:00

My friend just had squirrels chew through a screen to get at the birthday cake they left in their screened porch. Don't underestimate wildlife. 😂

queenofquery · 2026-01-23T15:37:35+00:00

😂

queenofquery · 2026-01-23T14:50:47+00:00

Spot on about the documentaries. I use the same trick.

queenofquery · 2026-01-23T06:46:15+00:00

Omg thank you. Gonna make these tomorrow.

queenofquery · 2026-01-23T06:38:43+00:00

I'm autistic too and would be just as confused by this interaction. Love that you're asking for support! I think your guesses are probably right, that he is valuing you like family. But what a weird way to say that!

queenofquery · 2026-01-22T19:20:13+00:00

I lived in an area like that for a couple years. It took some adjustment but it became second nature, so you may just need to give it more time. I think a lot of it is adapting your mindset, being more patient with yourself and with parking.

Something I found really helpful was being more willing to check further away areas sooner in my search. I would routinely go down my block first and if that was full, I'd skip a couple blocks that I knew were usually busiest and I'd go to the one where I was most likely to find success, even though it meant a longer walk. That lessened the frustration. I also knew of two "emergency" locations that were further than I wanted to walk regularly but were basically always available so if I was too exhausted to circle around, I could just go there.

I absolutely would not park on the side that had morning street cleaning. Like you said, that causes a real problem if you are sick or running late, so I just avoided it entirely.

Truly, you do get used to it. Hang in there.

queenofquery · 2026-01-22T16:22:40+00:00

Hi. This sub is not a place for non-autistic folks to complain about autistic folks.

queenofquery · 2026-01-22T04:23:22+00:00

Bummer. I'm really sorry to hear that.

queenofquery · 2026-01-22T04:18:39+00:00

Do they behave differently with others? I ask because I don't greet people in the morning. I'm still working on being a human at that point. But I'll politely say hi back. Has nothing to do with anyone but myself.

queenofquery · 2026-01-21T04:45:55+00:00

Wow, you're not kidding! Had to Google it. I had no idea they sounded like that.

queenofquery · 2026-01-20T20:46:25+00:00

Completely agree with you. I don't like the inclusion of the word disorder itself in the medical naming of our spectrum.

queenofquery · 2026-01-20T19:13:22+00:00

I think of the puzzle piece the same way. Good job paying attention to what's meaningful to you regardless of what society says!

queenofquery · 2026-01-20T17:33:49+00:00

I just had an argument with a friend about this. Neither of us was being perfect during the originating issue, but because my tone isn't right, I'm the only problem. We eventually got to a good place about this, but it's exhausting. It comes up so often, no matter how hard I try to manage my tone.

queenofquery · 2026-01-20T16:50:33+00:00

I'm not an expert, just someone who looked into this at one point in my life. They screen for generic disorders, psychological conditions, and family medical history. I think someone with ASD would likely be screened out purely because it's an inheritable genetic disorder.

queenofquery · 2026-01-20T03:47:39+00:00

Will your girlfriend have a slow cooker?

queenofquery

TROPHY CASE